“Worst Night Ever” + Possible Torn Retina = Visit to ER for My Unhappy Wife

This is what my wife's inner child has felt like lately

(This is a continuation of my recent posts about my wife Catherine, who last week underwent a surgery for which she spent three days and two nights hospitalized. Now she’s home for two weeks healing.)

Cat’s fine. And she doesn‘t have a torn retina. But on Sunday morning, pale and soaked, she told me she’d just spent the worst night of her life.

Her life!

Cool. So I’m off the hook for that night I spent rolling around and vomiting on the living room floor from confusing vodka with lemonade.

Saturday and Saturday night were extremely rough on Cat. Her system was all kinds of bent. Her stomach distress kept her up all night Saturday, and by three the next afternoon we were thinking we needed to take her back to the hospital. So we called Urgent Care to get a nurse’s advice. And what did we learn? That Cat’ seriously dysfunctional stomach and chronic light-headedness weren’t nearly so much a concern as the big cloudy spot that had developed in the vision of her left eye.

“That sounds exactly like a detached retina,” said the nurse on the phone. “You need to go to the emergency room right now.”

So off we went to the hospital. Again.

Our emergency room doctor knew more about the human eyeball than I’ll never know about anything. It was stunning. While Cat sat on an examining table separated by a thin curtain from people she could hear she was glad weren’t her, Dr. Amazingly Competent busted out all kinds of optical exam equipment, and got busy.

Fifteen minutes later, he phoned the hospital’s ophthalmologist on call that weekend to report what he’d found, which we were all glad didn’t appear to be anything serious. And then, just to be sure it wasn’t anything serious, the most conscientious ophthalmologist in the Western World left his home to meet us at his office so he could give Cat a full eye exam.

On the evening of the Sunday following Thanksgiving, this guy stops his life just to be absolutely positive that Cat doesn’t have a detached retina—even though the emergency room doctor had left no doubt that she didn’t. Dr. Reuben Yoo nonetheless showed up his jogging suit just to make sure.

Who are these doctors and nurses who know so much, who care so deeply? The doctors who performed Cat’s operation were amazing. The nurses who cared for her during her stay at the hospital were amazing. The emergency care doctors and nurses were insanely perfect. Dr. Yoo rocked the entire universe for opening his office on the weekend just to be absolutely positive that Cat was all right.

Who are these people? How do they get that way? Who has those kind of brains? Who has that kind of stamina? Who dedicates their life to the physical well-being of others?

Anyway, Cat’s fine. Her eye is fine; her stomach is slowly but surely returning to normal. She’s still anemic from the blood lost during her operation, which of course keeps her light-headed, but that, too, is daily improving, and will be fully better in about a month.

I don’t know how I would have processed all this before I was Christian. But now it’s simple enough: I drop to my knees, and send up to God every last iota of gratitude in my soul.

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On “A Swingin’ Christmas,” Tony Bennett and His Daughter Sing Wildly Inappropriate Duet

Be afraid.

For the record, Tony Bennett is one of my all-time favorite singers. His tone; his arrangements; his phrasing, which is a never-ending revelation. The fact that he seems like such a completely decent fellow. All of it. I’m a huge fan.

For some 25 years now, Mr. Bennett’s classic 1968 Christmas album, Snowfall, has been cherished by my wife and I. When we play it for the first time each year we sit on our couch, hold hands, cry a bit. We love that album. It’s perfect.

So this year we were excited to learn that last year Mr. Bennett released his second Christmas album, A Swingin’ Christmas, featuring The Count Basie Big Band. Whoo-hoo! Had all the makings of a Shore household Christmas classic!

So my wife Cat and I bought Swingin’ Christmas, sat down, hit the play button, and absolutely reveled in every note of the album, right up until we realized that we were listening to Tony and his daughter Antonia Bennett singing a back-and-forth duet about how completely hot they are for each other.

Tony sings the opening stanza of “I’ve Got My Love To Keep My Warm” (hello? sound to anyone else, right off, like a song you might not want to sing with your daughter?), and it’s so perfect you melt. The guy’s wisely mellow chops could fell a sequoia.

For the second stanza, a solo woman’s voice kicked in.

“Cool!” I said to Cat. “A duet!” I didn’t know anyone but Tony sang on the album. But who could doubt this woman would be excellent? It’s not like Tony Bennett has to audition buskers for accompanists.

I was immediately disappointed, though, because this singer was doing that cutsey, super-coy, over-the-top sex-purr thing female vocalists sometimes do when they’re young or unsure or poorly managed or whatever.

I rolled my eyes. “What? A sex kitten? And could she lay it on any thicker? How lame.”

“That’s his daughter,” said Cat. As Cat’s humor tends to not run along the lines of incest jokes, I was forced to consider that she wasn’t kidding.

“Excuse me?” I said, as Antonia sang seductively about her heart being on fire, and the flames growing higher.

“His daughter,” deadpanned Cat. “That’s Tony Bennett’s daughter singing that.”

Marilyn Monroe couldn’t have poured any more come-hither sensuality into the lines, “Off with my overcoat; off with my gloves. I need no overcoat. I’m burning with love.” And then Tony comes back on, diggin’ the whole crazy scene. It’s unbelievable. How could anyone have let the great Tony Bennett put that song on his album? Surely someone at Sony went, “Wait—that’s his daughter?” Was there no one along the line who thought that “Jingle Bells” might have been a more appropriate song choice?

A Swingin’ Incestuous Christmas ruined Snowfall for us. How could we ever again enjoy Bennett singing “My Favorite Things,” or “Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town”?

How could anyone?

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When Trumpeting Angels Sound Just Like Passing Gas

After a frighteningly long operation and three days in the hospital my wife Cat and I have returned to our cozy and safe home. From the bottom of my heart let me again thank you for the prayers and love so many of you sent our way.

Cat’s well. She’s so well it’s almost bizarre. I’m actually jealous of how much energy she has. We returned home Thanksgiving night, and yesterday she spent hours in the kitchen cooking, took two long walks, accompanied me to Trader Joe’s and Staples, began decorating for Christmas, and did a bunch of other stuff I get exhausted just trying to remember.

Cat had to stay in the hospital an extra night because the doctors were concerned that she hadn’t yet shot around the room like a released balloon from all the gas passing out of her.

Hey. No one said being beautiful was pretty.

When they do major abdominal-area surgery on you, they fill you with carbon dioxide gas, which helps keeps your organs nice and fresh while they operate, or something. I dunno. But when they’re done playing the Organ Requiem on you, the doctors leave a bunch of that gas trapped inside your body. If you’re not a politician and so used to it, so much gas inside of you presents serious problems. It floats up to cause pain in your shoulders; it inhibits your breathing by pressing up hard against your lungs. Now you know why politicians always seem to be panting and shrugging.

Cat recycles; she takes reusable bags with her shopping. This is someone who cares about the environment.

“But what about my carbon footprint?” she said between gritted teeth. “What about the glaciers?”

“Just let ‘er rip, baby,” said the nurses. “Seriously. Or we’ll start putting a bunch of tubes in you.”

“But my husband’s right here in the room with me,” said Cat.

“I don’t mind!” I said. “I wanna see you shoot around the room!”

Finally Cat gave in. I believe several coastal communities along the Eastern Seaboard were flooded later that night.

As I peeled Cat off the ceiling, I said, “See? That wasn’t so bad.”

Ha, ha, ha.

Oh, but what a glorious sound it is, when the angels trump their tribute to the designs of God.

Now Cat’s home and healing. I only hope I can keep up with her while she convalesces.

 

(Photo of angel trumpeting God’s victory over death snagged off the completely interesting-looking site Curios Expeditions.)

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Think You Know Thanksgiving? You Don’t Know Squat, Squanto.

Pumpkin pi. GET IT? Pi? Pie?? GET IT??!! (Okay, the jokes get better from here.)

(Hey, all. Cat goes home today! I’ll write more later. [Once home I'll begin updating her status via Twitter; I invite you to follow me there.] In the meantime, here’s a fun little Thanksgiving quiz I posted right about this time last year.)

1. The Pilgrims were:
a.  an exceptionally boring rock band from Kidneypool, England.
b. a sure way to kill any party.
c. the least fashionable sailors ever.
d. Christians who fled England in rebellion against Henry VIII’s forbidding of pew cushions.

2. The first thing Indians thought upon meeting the Pilgrims was:
a. “Why are these people the color of our gums?”
b. “Sun. Black clothes. Cool! Human popovers!”
c. “Okay, these guys are turkeys.”
d. “Bummer. There goes the neighborhood.”

3. The Mayflower was:
a.. the name of the company that moved the Pilgrims from England to America.
b. the primary ingredient used by Pilgrims to make the May chocolate chip cookies.
c. a ship that got lost somewhere between the Thames river and Hawaii.
d. a pretty gay name for a boat.

4. The purpose of Thanksgiving is to commemorate:
a. the founding of the New World.
b. the losing of the New World.
c. the temporary misplacement of the New World.
d. the Pilgrims smoking their first peace-pipe with the Indians.
e. the Pilgrims discovering the Indians didn’t know tobacco from a lava lamp.

5. Plymouth Rock is significant because:
a. it’s the first organic musical form to give expression to the Pilgrim experience.
b. how many rocks get their own name?.
c. it’s the first place on the North American continent where the Pilgrims ruined their shins.
d. it’s what the Chrysler company tethered to its last idea for a decent car before hurling it into the ocean.

6. “Maize” is the Algonquin Indian word for:
a. No way out.
b. Not belonging to February, March, or April.
c. “He who awesomely dominates the center of the field.”
d. tired, boring, cliche, trite: corny.

7. At first the Pilgrims had a hard time surviving in America because:
a. Their humongous belt buckles prevented effective arrow ducking.
b. They refused to pay taxes.
c. It’s so demoralizing when the native population won’t stop making fun of your hat.
d. All their gunpowder was wet.

Happy Thanksgiving to you, and a most joyous holiday season.

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Why Can’t I Have Any Drugs?

How hard would it be to leave a bowl of these in the room?

(Update: 3:30 p.m. PST, 11/25/09. Cat won’t be going home tonight; we’ll be staying another night here at Club Med. She’s fine; she’s just not recovered enough to leave. So tomorrow’s a Thanksgiving we won’t forget!)

(This post is a continuation of my last four or five posts.)

Why won’t the nurses who are taking care of my wife give me drugs, too? For her they’re concocting Morphine Delight milkshakes, and filling her with Percocets like she’s Nummo, the Pain-Killing Pez dispenser. Meanwhile, I’m stuck popping Skittles from a vending machine in the parking garage. How is that fair? Continue reading

In A Hospital Waiting Room

(Update: 3:30 p.m. PST, 11/25/09. Cat won’t be going home tonight; we’ll be staying another night here at Club Med. She’s fine; she’s just not where she’d need to be to leave. So tomorrow’s a Thanksgiving we won’t forget!)

(To catch up if you wanna, please see my last three posts, of which this is a continuation.)

Just created this iPod playlist, “Waitin on Cat.” Here are the songs I found myself needing to hear for the next ten hours I’ll be in this waiting room:

Martha 4:03 Pret-A-Porter Various Artists
Fast Car 4:57 Tracy Chapman Tracy Chapman Continue reading

NOBODY PANIC!!!!!

(Update: 3:30 p.m. PST, 11/25/09. Cat won’t be going home tonight; we’ll be staying another night here at Club Med. She’s fine; she’s just not where she’d need to be to leave. So tomorrow’s a Thanksgiving we won’t forget!)

Wife Cat due at hospital this morning for operation at 7 o’clock. (Thanks for loving notes yesterday!!) Me, up. Check. Dressed. Check. Wearing lucky shoes. Check. Not feeling sacrilegious due to declaring the possession of lucky shoes. Check. Lined up and ready to go: laptop, Sedaris book, wallet, watch, glasses, camera, phone, DVD’s, headphones: check, check, check, allrightallready.

Breakfast of scrambled eggs with bell peppers and onions in stomach: check, even though bizarre cuz Cat can’t eat. (She’s upstairs showering with some weird Sani-Soap she had to lather up with Continue reading

Top 10 Things I’ll Worry About While My Wife is Getting Surgery Tomorrow

My inner worrier

As I yesterday wrote a bit about here, tomorrow my wife Catherine is going into the hospital for a little Major Surgery. I can already tell that while she’s under the knife, the top 10 things I’ll be in the waiting room worrying about will be:

1. The surgeon sneezing at a critical moment in the operation.

2. One of the nurses saying, “Hey. Where’s my other glove?” after the surgery is over.

3. Cat’s anesthesia wearing off about half-way through the operation.

4. Cat’s anesthesia never wearing off. Continue reading

My Wife Catherine’s Going in For a Major Operation This Tuesday, 7 a.m.

Yo, friends. In the most bloggiest of fashions (yay! remember when blogging meant keeping your friends and loved ones up on what was happening in your life, rather than what it means now, which is Write Completely Excellent Stand-Alone Column Pieces? Me, neither. But still), I am, in the quickest of morning moments, jettisoning All Things Punctuationally Proper (for one) to tell you that my dearly beloved wife Cat is, this Tuesday morning at 7 a.m., going under the knife. Continue reading

My Five Reasons For Not Having Children

Why don’t my wife Catherine and I have any children, you ask?

Actually, you totally didn‘t ask that. In the past two-and-a-half years, some 15,0000 comments have been left on this blog—and not once has anyone asked me why I don’t have kids.

Laggers. You know my life is an open book. I can’t imagine what you could ask me that I wouldn‘t answer.

Wait. Yes, I can. Continue reading