8 Feb

Don’t Worry About An Agent or Editor Stealing Your Book

Posted by John Shore in Business of/How To, Writing. Tagged: , , , , , .

You probably shouldn't submit to this guy

In response to my post “Penguins,” My Blasphemous Christian Book, Finally Returns Home, I received a couple of emails from people wondering what a writer can do to protect his or her work from being stolen by a literary agent. I’m actually asked that pretty often, so I thought I’d take a moment to answer it here.

Before you send your manuscript or book proposal to an agent, be sure to first thoroughly research that agent, via the web and the usual writer’s guides. If you’re considering a legitimate agent, with a roster of real authors he or she represents, and a real track record of real books sold to real houses, don’t even worry about that agent stealing your work. A real agent can’t be bothered with that kind of nonsense. They’ve got their hands more than full dealing with all their business that’s not slimy or weird.

That said, there are creepy agents and editors out there, so it’s not totally inconceivable that what happened to me with Penguins will happen to you. (I’ve actually had two books stolen from me: in my naivety, I once sent a book proposal directly to a major publisher, who never responded—but who then did publish the exact book I sent them under the name of someone famous. Can’t get much stealier than that.) But you don’t really care if an agent or editor steals your book, because then only one of two things can happen. Either the version of  your book that they publish will be so much like your book that, once it’s published, you can sue them—or, in an attempt to hide their nefariousness, they will have so altered your book that your original work and their published rip-off of it won’t be alike enough to ever be confused—which means your book is still yours.

So don’t worry about an agent or editor stealing your book. If you’re a new writer who wants to publish a book, do your homework, learn how to write a good book proposal, find the right agent for you, and submit to that agent. Just make sure that you always keep a very clear paper trail off all correspondences between you and the agent or editor. I always do business by email, because I want that trail. But other than that, don’t worry about it. If you’re the kind of person who comes up with ideas so good people want to steal them, then you’re the kind of person who’s going to make it anyway.

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I have a mini-book available on Scribd.com for $5.99 entitled, How To Make a Living Writing.

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5 Feb

“Penguins,” My “Blasphemous” Christian Book, Finally Returns Home

Posted by John Shore in My Books, Writing. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

My first book, “Penguins, Pain and the Whole Shebang: Why I Do the Things I Do, by God” (as told to John Shore), is the only thing I’ve ever written that I think is perfect. (You never feel that way about anything you write–-especially years later.) The story of that book is so unbelievable that if I told it to you, you’d swear I made it up. It involves, for instance: Continue reading

2 Feb

What Muslim Could Be Offended By This?

Posted by John Shore in Christianity. Tagged: , , , , , , .

Not actually me.

(A Muslim reader of mine [who keeps a blog I like here], asked if I’d like to write a guest post on his blog. I’m going to! But first, I thought I’d run a warm-up post here, so that, with the help and input of you winos guys, I could hone my message. Lemme know if you think I’ve gotten it just about right. Here’s to the furthering of world peace and understanding!)

Hi, Muslims! My name is John Shore. I live in San Diego, California. San Diego is very far down in Southern California, almost where it meets Mexico. Please forgive this geographical detail if you already knew it. As an American, I naturally assume that nobody else in the world knows anything about geography, either.

Ha, ha, ha. That is a joke at the expense of me and my fellow countrypersons. We Americans are a very funny people. But it’s also true that most of us aren’t exactly nicknamed Rand-McNally. It’s not that we’re not interested in world geography. We are! It’s just that studying geography means spending a lot of time staring at maps and globes. And maps and globes don’t move very much. They just sit there, making you do all the work. But we Americans like things that move. That’s why we make so many movies. If they could ever figure out a way to turn geography lessons into a TV show starring Charlie Sheen, a beautiful woman in a bikini, and maybe a cute little monkey who rides a skateboard and/or smokes a cigar, then I’m sure that before long we Americans would be able to instantly find on a map the Strait of Magellan, or the Sea of Marmara, just like we were native Magellaneos or Marmararians.

But enough about geography. Let’s talk about what really matters in this world: People. We’re all one race. So why don’t you give your land to the part of our race that’s us? We’ll take great care of it, we promise. It’s better to give than receive, right? But why not test this theory out for yourself, and give us your land? You’ll feel great! Of course, we understand what a big step that might be for you. We’ve given up land before, and we still sometimes resent Canada. So what you should do, then, is take the first baby step toward giving. Start from the bottom up, and give us what’s beneath your land! You can keep the part on the top—the part with all that fun sand. But, out of our desire to be good neighbors and see you enjoy the benefits of giving, we are willing to take off your hands all that nasty, thick black gunk that’s beneath your land. What’s that stuff called, again? Broyle? Roil? Tar? Well, whatever it is, we’ll take it. And we know how glad you’ll be to get rid of it, too! Have you ever tried to get gloil out of your clothes? It’s just about impossible. You should just pass that problem along to us. We here in America have very good laundry detergents. We can handle it.

But enough about stubborn stain removal. Because clothes don’t make the man, do they? What makes a man is his heart. And what’s at the heart of most men? Religion. So let’s talk about religion, shall we? I can’t foresee any problems talking about religion with you, can you? No? Great!

Like most Americans, I am very sensitive to the religions of others. I understand that when it comes to talking to people about their religion, one must tread with the kind of great culture sensitivity and general conversational delicateness for which we Americans are so universally renowned.

Now, the way I see it, the main problem with your religion is its confusing names. You believe in Allah; your main personage is Mohammed (PBUH!); you’re Muslim; and your religion is Islam. See? That’s a little confusing, isn’t it? I thought so, too.

Now, as you may be aware, many Americans—including myself, actually—are Christian. And look how we do it: We believe in Christ; our main personage is Christ; we’re Christian; and our religion is Christianity.

See? Much easier! Ahh, economy of effort. That’s just one of the things that makes our country so great.

The point is, you might want to consider streamlining some of the main features of your religion. Nothing too big—just change some of the key names. And please, don’t bother to thank me. That’s what we Americans are here for: to help others change the way they do things for the better. As you may be aware, world improvement is one of America’s top exports!

Also humor. We Americans produce a lot of humor. Being funny is what we Americans do. We used to produce things like washing machines and cars that didn’t fall apart in the rain, but now we mostly produce and export humor. Jim Carrey! Will Ferrell! Jerry Seinfeld! Dick Cheney! Saturday Night Live! Riotous, all, wouldn’t you agree?

So please remember that: humor. It’s all about the humor. We’re a funny people. I’m considered one of the funnier bloggers, for instance.

Please, please remember that.

Your good and true friend from across the aisle,

John

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31 Jan

The Christian Sexual Animal?

Posted by John Shore in Christianity. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

Be afraid.

(This is related to my last post, Christian Men SHOULD Lust.)

Like virtually every human being who’s ever walked the planet, Christians are completely irrationally insane about sex. Some people would even argue that Christians are particularly completely irrationally insane about sex. My friend Dan is one such person. Continue reading

29 Jan

Christian Men SHOULD Lust

Posted by John Shore in Christianity. Tagged: , , .

Not.

Part of a comment on my post Five Things Women Don’t Know About Men was this, from a (very nice) woman with the screen name of “Wee Sandy”:

And John, I truly hope men aren’t really watching a constant mental porn show. I agree with [commenter] Feather that it is addictive and destructive to both men and women, not to mention children. I hope that was a tongue-in-cheek post! But if men really ARE that focused on lust, shouldn’t we be trying to do something to help change that? Like helping our sons to understand that it is unacceptable, and that the only way to stop focusing on one thing is to fill your mind and life with something better? Or to work yourself until you’re too exhausted to be filled with temptation? Stuff like that?

The ancient, persistent, pervasive idea that being a good Christian man means being a eunuch (a castrated male) is something that I think we need to reconsider. Men are men. Men lust. They lust constantly. They can’t help it. And I get real uncomfortable whenever I hear anyone say we should want them to help it.

Do we really want men who don’t find women—lots of women, all the time—sexually attractive? Are we sure that’s what we want? Because wanting that necessarily means wanting our men to have less of a sex drive than they do. And are we sure that’s a good thing? Because if you reduce a man’s sex drive, you automatically reduce a whole lot of stuff about him that you definitely want to think twice about losing.

You want an ambitious man? Then you want a man with a strong sex drive. You want a man who will always protect his wife and children? Then you want a man with a strong sex drive. You want a man who will lay down his life for his country? Who will explore new territory? Who will take control of a bad situation? Who will champion the cause of the weak and oppressed? Who will clear trees, kill animals, build a home, and make sure that when the dust all settles, he and his are standing? Who will roll up his sleeves and work when things get tough? Then you want a man with a real sex drive. And a man with a real sex drive could no sooner not lust after women than he could unhook his gonads and leave them at home in his sock drawer when he goes off to work every day.

No man should disrespect women. And certainly no man should lose control of his behavior. But being a man means that in the privacy of your imagination, you are going to do to think a great many lustful thoughts. That’s just a fact about being a man. That won’t change. It can’t change. It shouldn‘t change. The whole idea that somehow Christian men aren’t really supposed to be men is ridiculous, and harmful.

Healthy sex isn’t just a good thing; it is the necessary thing. It’s how our race survives. It’s what makes the whole world go round.

If God didn’t want men to be men—to do their part to help that world go around—he wouldn’t have filled them with all that testosterone. That certainly doesn’t mean that men should ever be promiscuous, or in any way ever disrespectful to women. But it does mean that men are bound by their very nature to, in the privacy of their imagination, have lust for women.

I know what  Matthew 5:27-28 says. Here’s how it’s translated in “The Message”:

“You know the next commandment pretty well, too: ‘Don’t go to bed with another’s spouse.’ But don’t think you’ve preserved your virtue simply by staying out of bed. Your heart can be corrupted by lust even quicker than your body. Those leering looks you think nobody notices—they also corrupt.”

I have got not problem with that. One’s heart certainly can be corrupted by lust, just like it can be by anything that’s unhealthily fixated upon. And certainly no man should ever look at a woman “leeringly,” because that’s obnoxious, invasive, and extremely disrespectful.

But the bottom line is this: Show me a man who doesn’t look lustfully at women—by which I mean who doesn’t constantly imagine himself in sexual situations with all kinds of women—and I’ll show you a man who’s … well, gay, for one.

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27 Jan

Heeeeeeeeeeeere’s STINKY!!

Posted by John Shore in Uncategorized. Tagged: , , , , .

A couple of years ago a friend of mine showed me a stack of photocopied cartoons featuring a dog named Stinky (www.stinkydog.com), created and drawn by Samantha McCullough. I instantly fell in love with the image of Stinky. I was so enthused that I contacted Sam, and asked her if there was anything I could do to participate in the great fun that was clearly All Things Stinky.

She then read some of my stuff, and together we decided that it might be fun if I wrote some captions for her collection of Stinky doing … oddball Stinky stuff. So she sent me maybe thirty of her best Stinky drawings, and for about a week I lost my mind. All I did was walk around the house trying to think of funny Stinky captions. I became obsessed to the point of actually walking into walls and putting my slippers on the wrong foot.

So I wrote the captions, and she did up a bunch of one-panels with them, and then … then I’m not sure what happened. I think life happened. She’s a busy mom, and had a Stinky store wherein she sold many Stinky T-shirts, hats, and coffee mugs, and just then I got involved with this four-book co-authoriship deal, and we just sort of never did anything with the cartoons.

This morning I was going through my files, and there were our old Stinky cartoons! So I emailed Samantha, asked her if I could run them on my blog, and she said of course.

So here’s the first two! We have no idea if anyone but us will think these are funny, but if any of you miscreants guys do, I’ll start running these every once in awhile.

But don’t you love this dog? (We keep on our bed a stuffed Stinky doll Sam once sent me. That’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout.)


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26 Jan

Conservative vs. Liberal Christianity: Which is Better?

Posted by John Shore in Christianity. Tagged: , , , , , .

I know a lot of Christians, and they’re split pretty evenly between conservative and liberal.

I like the conservative Christians, mainly because they’re so clear about what they believe. They know what the Bible says; they know who they are; they know what they’re doing in life; boom—they’re solid. The whole “backbone of America” thing is no joke; the strongest trees, after all, have the deepest roots. Continue reading

25 Jan

Star-Crossed

Posted by John Shore in Autobiography. Tagged: , , , , .

Lately some have complained that I (via posts like this,this, and this) have been entirely too obnoxious to New Agers.

To which I say: Hey, if you can’t take the heat, stay out of the supernova.

But that’s really more of an astronomy joke. Which, as you see, are impossible to make funny. Unlike astrology jokes, which even Dick Cheney could make hilarious.

As an example of just how easy it is to make Top Notch Comedy Jokes about astrology, here are some choice yuks from a faux-horoscope I was once asked to write for a magazine: Continue reading

24 Jan

The Funniest Drawing EVER

Posted by John Shore in Uncategorized. Tagged: , , .

This is “Blue Boy,” by the immortal comic artist (from Mad magazine’s halcyon days) Don Martin.

Every time I look at this, it just kills me. Growing up, Don Martin’s work meant the world to me. It showed me just how funny funny could be.

As I wrote a bit about here, for Christmas of 2007 my wife got me the ultimate Don Martin collection.

Man, that girl knows how to pick gifts.

This is a crappy scan of this drawing, but … you get the idea. Genius.

23 Jan

Spaghetti Sauce; Disgusting Jokes; Love

Posted by John Shore in Autobiography. Tagged: , , , , , .

I'm sitting on the other side of the table. But that's our kitchen.

As I write this, my wife Cat is in the kitchen making spaghetti sauce.

I just said to her, “Are you feeling saucy?” In response she gave me that look she gives me when she wants to help me understand the wearying depth of her burden. Continue reading

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