I’ve recently received a few emails from fellow Christians asking about how they should best handle people in their lives whom they love, but who don’t love Christ. A son whose father isn’t saved; a man whose wife wants no part of his newfound faith, a woman whose faith strains her relationship with her beloved friend. Like that.
All Christians have in their lives people to whom they are close, but who don’t share their faith. I was certainly in that situation after I got Instantly Saved; the Lord did not at the same time sweep my wife off her feet. (She was, in fact, away on a business trip at the time. If you’d like, you can read about that whole incident in “I, a Rabid Anti-Christian, Very Suddenly Convert.”)
For what it’s worth, here’s my advice on What To Do With the Nonbelievers In Your Life:
There are three components involved in any relationship you have with another person: You, the other person, and the relationship that exists between the two of you. That’s all of it, right there: That’s the whole Relationship Combo. Nothing in a relationship exists outside those three elements. You handle each of those three things correctly, and everything about that relationship goes well.
So the question is, what attitude—what guiding principle, what constantly motivating emotional truth—should you take care to bring to each of those three dimensions in your relationship with a nonbeliever in your life?
About yourself, be humble.
Toward the other person, be loving.
Toward the relationship that exists between the two of you, be patient.
Humility, love and patience. There is no mountain those three can’t move.
Humility: You must keep your awareness of this quality at the fore of your consciousness whenever you’re dealing with a nonbeliever in your life. If you fail to do so, you will become strident in your attitude toward them: You will (however subtly) begin preaching to them, lecturing them, telling them what, how, and who they should be. That’s not the sort of oil that keeps a relationship running smoothly. We all know we must be humble before God. Let us also not forget to be humble before the people in our lives—each of whom is, after all, an example of God’s greatest creation, and made in His image. Remember: You didn’t deserve to be saved. Being chosen by God isn’t anything to be proud of; it’s something to be grateful for. Humble up.
Love: As God loves us, we must love others. Of course that can be difficult—look at what it cost Christ to be unconditionally and absolutely loving towards all of us. If our Lord can suffer that, we can suffer whatever psychological or emotional pain it causes us to remain loving towards any person in our life—and especially toward any nonbeliever, for whom we can trust God has a special interest. God counts on us to love others, to be his loving agents on earth. Simply love the nonbeliever in your life. Christ will take it from there.
Patience: This is God’s world, not ours. We keep time; we have watches and calendars and clocks and so on. God sits at the heart of eternity. I think it’s safe to say he’s not wearing a wristwatch. When it comes to the relationship between you and a nonbeliever—and especially with a nonbeliever to whom you’re necessarily close—be patient. Wait. Never stop waiting. Have no agenda. Let God’s will, in God’s time, shape the relationship between you and the other person. When you’re involved in a relationship with a nonbeliever, you are involved in one of the most important, precious dynamics given to any believer. Don’t try to take the wheel of that relationship; don’t start driving it in the way you think best. Give God the wheel. All you have to do with your nonbeliever is climb into the backseat with them—and then, side by side, the two of you can just enjoy the ride.
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I found this article very helpful as I have friends whom I care for deeply who I believe are good people but are not Christians. I was struggling with what I should be doing, I am not good at ministering to others and really liked your viewpoint on being humble as this has been a struggle for me and has been very emotional because I felt as though I was failing God by allowing myself to continue the friendship while not ministering to these friends, but they do know that I am a Christian and we have an understanding that I am not ashamed of my faith, but i have never believed in being pushy because that tends to push people away from religion rather then draw then to it. Thank you for your article.
Well, it sounds like you've already done what it seems to me you should, which is drop him.
How great to find this article at this time! I broke off my relationship last week because my partner is not a Christian and as such I found myself engaging in sexual activities much to my guilt and frustration. He also could not understand or appreciate why I did not want to get involved in certain other activities. He complained that I had too many rules. I care for him very much and would like for us to be together but I could not sacrifice my relationship with God. I would also like him to find that love, peace and happiness that only God can give but I have tried all that you mentioned in your article to no avail. I have invited him to church, he said yes but found some excuse on the day. He still prays and acknowledges God but something or someone has turned his mind from church. What can I do?
Hi,
Like others I am with a non-believer boyfriend of over one year. I know I love him, but I'm afraid the religious aspect will be a problem if I were to marry him. He tells me it's discrimination to not be with someone of a different religion/if any. He says as long as someone's morals are good then I shouldn't judge someone. Anyone have advice for this?!! I don't want to end it because I am crazy about him, but I'm scared it will cause a problem in the future. Thanks
Here's a piece of advice I wrote on this exact topic:
http://johnshore.com/2008/09/09/christian-marryin…
Shawn: I’m sorry; I don’t mean to be rude or anything. But I keep getting stuck on “He won’t really talk to me about it …”. If he won’t even TALK to you about something so absolutely fundamental to your relationship—something profoundly germane to it, which you’re clearly open to lovingly discussing—then … then I just can’t understand what possible hope there could be for that relationship anyway. Either he doesn’t really like you and he’s just using not talking to you about THE issue in your relationships as a means of keeping you at a distance, or he’s just a dick. Either way … how can this work for you?
I came across this post last night after the relationship i was in ended, ultimately because he is a believer and I’m not. I was trying to find information to “build my case” and show him that we could be together. I love this man with all of my heart, and believe me, there is no one on this earth who wishes they could find God, right now, more than me. I’m not posting to get advice on how to find God or anything like that…I’m really just hoping for some answers that will help me understand. He won’t really talk to me about it so I don’t know what it is that’s concerning him. Obviously the fact that I don’t believe…and I can’t even REALLY say that…I don’t think there’s a God, but I don’t know for sure…sometimes I wonder.
OK..back on track…I am accepting of his beliefs and wouldn’t ever try change them. I could list all my great qualities and traits but for the sake of simplicity, just assume I am a good person and I do my best to live a good life. Other than my not believing, there is no other reason for him not wanting to be with me. If we are happy together, why does it matter so much what I believe or don’t believe? Thanks for your time and help.
Well….that wasn't exactly what I was expecting!
I really want to believe he's not just a dick, but unfortunately you might be right. I didn't think you were being rude…just honest and I appreciate that.
I am still curious as to what the reasons are. I keep seeing references to "unequally yoked". Why is this such an issue?
Well, it sounds to me like you've got the right idea: take it slowly; don't preach; don't condemn. All such stuff (as you know) will only drive you further apart (and her further from Xtianity). To be honest, with this post here, you've already read the best of what I have to say on this matter. Be humble, be patient, be loving.
And you're right, of course: You are lying in the bed you made.
It's not just the movie thing; after that, it would be another "thing." You've got to decide if you're all right with her being a Xtian or not. REALLY, and finally, decide. Don't do the Life Waffle nonsense. You're either in or out. You're either okay with her being a non-Christian, or you're not. If you're not okay with it, you and she have a lot of pain coming. If you are okay with her continuing to be the woman you married, then back off of her, and let her be that woman.
Three years. And yes I do know it was my fault to begin with for marrying a non-believer. I was married for 20 years previously to a Christian woman (that is another story for another time..haha) As I have found out there are a lot of problems in a "believer – nonbeliever" marriage. Some of the comments of the folks on this blog have helped me. We have worked a lot of the problems out, except for the movie thing. I used to do a lot of preaching at her and wanting her to go to church. I have learned that is not the way to go.
How long have you been married?
I was saved at 25 years old. Have been a Christian 25 years. Mostly in Southern Baptist church where I learned most of what I believe. Am I being too harsh on this?
Jeff: You say, "I have always been taught…" So you have always been a Christian?
I have always been taught that as a believer, you should not allow that kind of thing into your house. And I was taught that it is the husband's responsibility to God as to what is allowed to be prevalent in his house. This is whether you are watching it personally or not.
I am a Christian man married to a non-believer. We get along Ok most of the time. My one issue is that she likes to watch the type of movies that, as a Christian, you should not be watching. Demonic movies and soft core porn type movies. I can not abide watching or even listening to them in my house. She sees nothing wrong with them and refuses to stop watching them. I don't believe these type of movies have any place in a Christian's home. Even if I don't watch them it still bothers me that she is watching them in the other room. She thinks I am wierd and says, "everybody watches these movies, they are just entertainment" this is going to cause us to break up. Help!
Jeff: Why do you care what she watches as long as you're not seeing it?
I stayed up all night researching on this topic because I'm afraid although my intentions were good regarding ministering to my boyfriend I'm afraid my fear of losing him to death in his sins has caused me to show him the harsh things opposed to the God of Love that I know. Struggling with being unequally yoked has been a battle of mine for over a year now, yet I'm afraid that if I break up with him and give up hope…He'll stray even further away…His heart is so cold I guess I lost faith in the strength of the Lord his ability to tackle even the hardest of hearts. He just doesn’t understand why God would create us if he knew some of us would be going to hell. He thinks that God is cruel and just toying with us. I don’t know what to do but pray I don’t want to be unequally yoked but he’s so depressed I fear it will have harsh effects.
You're welcome, John. Your story is one of those Way Cool ones I hear ever now and then and that just makes my soul thrill. Jesus really is something, isn't he?
For some reason, Rev 3:15 & 16 just slammed to the front of my mind in regard to those who are hostile toward Christ and Christianity:
"I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So because you are lukewarm, neither hot nor cold- I am about to spit you out of my mouth."
I understand the context of this passage, but I've always found the scripture as alive as can be, fitting many different situations. In that light, I wonder whether it isn't easier for Christ to touch the heart of one passionately against Him as opposed to one who's just 'sitting on a fence'… ?
Sounds like you were one of those that passionately against. At times, the man I love can be overwhelming in his disgust of what he sees as hypocrisy in Christians. Sometimes he's right, sometimes he just doesn't understand… but through it all, he's definitely HOT about what he thinks! He's something, alright… This man of mine- Mr. Intense. It's going to be interesting to see how the Spirit works with him.
That's great, Mary: Thank you. (And I AM one of those people whose anti-Christ attitude was changed by God. So … anything can happen, for sure.)
This is the most encouraging article I've found on this topic. I really appreciate it because I love and am completely committed to a non-believer. It is the strangest thing to love someone who has absolutely Christian background whatsoever. I pray a TON about this… I've seen God do astounding things with those who are hostile toward Him… I believe absolutely in the power of the Holy Spirit to touch and soften even the hardest and most hostile hearts. It's all in His hands… and it's good to have these encouraging words to mediate on. Thanks.
John,
Thank you for your article and for giving people a place to open up about their feelings. Your article was just what I was needing since my husband is maybe saved or maybe not. I'm not sure. He made a profession of his faith in Christ many years ago but his type A personality has taken control of him and now his pride won't let him humble himself to even say he does more than just believe that God exists. But I praise God that he allows me to have my time to spend reading and studying the Word.
I actually came here to ask you how to pray for him, but I think Debz answered my question. I think her story illustrates exactly how your article works. So thanks to both of you!
And to Arlywn, if you don't like the word 'transform' try the word change. It's not exactly the same meaning but that's what happens to us when we come to the realization that we need what Christ died and rose again to give us. If we surrender all that we are so we can become all that He is, that's transformation. Does that sound so bad? I guess I don't see what is so bad about the word save(d). Christ is our Saviour( root word here is save). He didn't just come to save us from our sins, He came to save us from everything that comes into our lives that is against who He is. I don't know about you but that sounds like a pretty good deal to me. Sorry if that sounded like preaching. I apologize. Actually it was just meant to sort of clarify what those things mean.
I feel out of the loop here with this subject. I am glad someone addressded this directly like John has. It helped me a bit in the lesson I needed to learn in becoming close to a non-believer. I think they have God in there heart but from years of abuse and betrayal that beautiful heart from God got jaded. They have bounced in and out of my life openning up to me now and then then disappearing. One time, this past Oct. they even called me ignorant for being a believer. This is when they formed an alliance with another non-believer on a website for pleasure. Talk about filling a void and talk about the demons coming out to play. That has passed and the few texts we exchanged have been somewhat positive..they are still distant..I pray for them all the time for Jesus to help them, I like that better myself, tye have the heart of God but the flesh world has torn at its's strings. I feel in spirit they are making a come back and God is at His work now blessing them. recently, in a chat they told me of their 3 siblings having cancer and how the fear of God made her get herslef checked out! She was cleared..She said, " I do not know why I was so fortunate but I am grateful". A believer would see that as God's grace and Mercy on her. For her sibilings are lost souls as well. This person has the spirit of God and the heart to match out of all of them. Why she was betrayed by them. She wants a relationship with them but knows she can not because they will use her as they have. The family went thru bad times and forster homes..so you can see the history here.
This person just needs to know and let Jesus come into their life as He is. This is a prideful person..Even Jesus knows he needs to take this in consideration..As a friend all I do is pray and listen when they reach out. It is hard for my heart is on the line and I have been told in meditation and prayer that I am to love them as Christ would and to be there as Christ would when they are ready to come forward in reconcilation. To see all the wonderful things God can do when you see His light and not the dark. They are on the verge to come forward and God is doing His Dance with them. I will pray to help as all we can do for one another. It is all about love as God is love. .It has been difficult. I love this person very much and know they are a good soul. We are parted now and they live 300 miles away. So prayer is all I can do now. And I know prayer knows no boundary between two spirits, just makes it more difficult to deal. I love this person very much and in their way they do me. So, it is up to Jesus to bring our paths together again. In Jesus' name I pray. John thanks for your thoughts. God bless
Thank you so much John for the comments about how to handle loved ones that do not love Jesus, I have 2 older sons that have decided to live apart from the Lord and this article
When you Love Someone who Doesn’t Love Christ
has really helped me to step back and not like you said “Preach” to them but to just love them and of course I will pray that Jesus transforms them, like he did to me right when I least expected it HOW AWESOME!! it is. God is so Good!
Thanks again God Bless you.
um… no offense, but can we use a different word then transform? personally to me 'transform' indicates that there is something wrong with the person. So does 'save'.
how about……. "of course I will pray that Jesus HELPS them, like he did to me right when I least expected it HOW AWESOME!! it is."
thats a better word right? I think so. Sorry. I got the point, just being the usual- lets be nicer to others- person.
Dear John,
Wow that could’nt have hit home any harder! I knew the minute I saw the heading that God had the answer to my prayers. For me it is my mother, ( along with others in my family) she lives with my husband and I. It has been a battle ever since I got saved. Although she does believe there is a God she has no real trust in him or faith that he cares for her. Chalk it up to ignorance as well as a very hard life! Anyway, over the years she has become more tolerant of my sharing with her even the times when I have been less than patient and, gracious about my sharing. I see that God is working on her and that I defenitely need to exercise more humility, patience, and, love. Some days it is a real struggle for my husband and I but just as I know God has been so gracious with his love and patience with us we to must be with those in our lives. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and wisdom! I pray that the blessings of God shower you and your family today and always! Sincerly Roxie
leigh… I hate to say, but I think you and your family would be much happier with out contact with your husband's family.
I agree with a difference of opinion toward religion- but its not okay to just absolutely disrespect some one's beliefs. It's not productive.
it does seem like you're being a doormat, even though I think you're just being kind and generous. I think you should just spend… less time with them. Maybe they would get the message. ( although, I would sit down and have a talk with them about how this behavior affects the well being of your family.)
and now I'll go back to lurking.
My husband's family are non-believers and it has been extremely difficult to have a relationship with them. They plan family outings on Sunday mornings when they know we are in church service. There has been hurtful words by them about our involvement with our youth group and I sometimes think it is satan pulling at us!! They truly mistreat my husband at times and do not respect him at all. It is so hurtful to him and I hurt when he hurts. I get so frustrated and angry resulting in when I am around them, I am quiet and withdrawn. My joy in the Lord doesn't show when I am in their presence. How do I get past this? How can my joy be present when I am around them? I want so much for them to see God through me. I do the right physical things such as buy gifts, cook holiday meals for the family (to which at Easter, my husband, myself and my three kids were sent to the card table to eat and they sat at my dining room table excluding us from any conversation! Hope they enjoyed the Easter dinner I prepared for them!!) So, on the outside, I do all the right things but on the inside I am angry and don't want to be around them. I am a Christian but am I a door mat? Should we continue to me mistreated?
Thanks for writing this.
One of my dearest friends is not a believer and, over the years, that’s been very hard for me. But I realized, just as you said, that it’s not my responsibility to save him. Heck, I CAN’T. God is the only one with the power and love enough to do that. And, I knew that in the back of my mind, but I wasn’t treating my friend like that all the time. I wasn’t loving him like Christ. It took many times of my pride and impatience rearing their ugly heads before God sat me down and said, “Give this up; give it to Me.” I wish I’d known sooner, but God’s is abounding in love and grace. He’s in control… and when I fail again, well, I can praise Him because HE is unfailing. And I continue to hope that my friend will see all the marvelous things God has done and, someday, give thanks to the Father.
In the meantime: humility, love, and patience. Amen. And God bless you.
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