1. Embrace your wrongness. In the course of disagreeing with our wives, what many of we men fail to realize is that, invariably, we are wrong. We just are. We’re trying to be right, of course. But we’re failing at it. We can’t help it. It’s the nature of things. Men are bigger, hairier, stronger, and wronger. It’s a fact that we should just get used to. God knows our wives have.
2. Stop fidgeting while your wife’s talking to you. It really is rude—and you know it. If you don’t stop it then one day, when your wife starts talking to you about something, you’re going to distractedly begin looking at a magazine, or fiddling with your cell phone, and suddenly she will shriek and stab you in the head with a fork.
3. Remember that your tone does too matter. You know how when arguing with your wife you always think that if she would just focus on what you’re saying, instead of on how you’re saying it, then she’d see how right you are? Yeah, that’s never going to happen. She needs to know you still love her as you’re hollering at her. Women are funny like that.
4. Actually have opinions. Women like men who are clear on what they think, and why they think it. Men, though, enjoy ever waffling. Well, waffles are for kids. Stop it. Commit to thoughts, ideas, and decisions. Sure, you’ll be wrong about whatever it is you decide to think. But you’ll be attractively wrong. Wrong, but studly. That’s the American way.
5. Give her presents. Women love to receive gifts. But men don’t like to give gifts, because doing so takes time, money and trouble. Plus, you can never really figure out what to give a woman anyway—and the idea that you have to give, say, a Valentine’s Day gift, automatically invalidates the very reason people are supposed to give spontaneous gifts of love in the first place, which actually makes such gifts a manipulative insult. And those are your choices: either do what she wants, or be right. And what have we already learned about you being right?
6. Stop being so hormonally crazed. Well, at least try to stop being so hormonally crazed. Okay, try to be less hormonally crazed. Okay, forget it. Just try not to get arrested.
7. Stop complaining about your job. Guys love to talk about—and especially to complain about—their jobs. Women, though often seemingly infinite in their patience and empathy, do have their limits. You’ll know you’ve reached your wife’s when, as you are telling her about your day, she begins distractedly looking at a magazine or fiddling with her cell phone.
8. Get okay with being late. Women have an internal guide that tells them which things it’s okay to be late for, and which things it’s not. Unfortunately, that guide is written in ancient Venusian. You don’t read ancient Venusian. You don’t read any Venusian. That’s why God made cell phones on which you can watch movies.
9. Tell your wife how to behave in public. Women love this. It makes them feel like you’re watching out for them, like you’re helping them understand things about themselves that they should be aware of. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to explain this very point to my own wife as she was resolutely walking away from me.
10. Don’t keep bugging your wife to give you some good ideas for a “Top 10″ list you’re writing when she’s trying to get ready for work. Trust me on this one.
This piece is included in my humor collection: