Top 10 Tips For Becoming a Better Husband

I don’t know much about much, but after nearly thirty years of being married, I’m confident of these ten things any man can do to make himself a much better husband.

1. Embrace your wrongness. In the course of disagreeing with our wives, what many of we men fail to realize is that, invariably, we’re wrong. We just are. We’re trying to be right — but failing. We can’t help it. It’s the nature of things. Men are bigger, hairier, stronger, and wronger. It’s a fact we should just get used to. God knows our wives have.

2. Stop fidgeting while your wife’s talking to you. It really is rude — and you know it. If you don’t stop doing that, then one day, when your wife starts talking to you about her day, you’re going to start distractedly fiddling with the remote control, your cell phone, or something else, and she’s going to suddenly shriek and stab you with a fork.

3. Remember that your tone does too matter. You know how in arguments with your wife, you keep thinking that if she would just focus on what you’re saying, instead of on how you’re saying it, then she’d see how right you are? Yeah, that’s never going to happen. She needs to know you still love her as you’re yelling at her. Women are funny like that.

4. Actually have opinions. Women like men who are clear on what they think, and why they think it. Men, though, enjoy ever waffling. Well, waffles are for kids. Stop it. Commit to thoughts, ideas, and decisions. Sure, you’ll be wrong about whatever it is you decide to think. But you’ll be attractively wrong. Wrong, but studly. That’s the American way.

5. Give her presents. Women love to receive gifts. But men don’t like to give gifts, because doing so takes time, money and trouble. Plus, you can never really figure out what to give a woman anyway — and the idea that you have to give, say, a Valentine’s Day gift, automatically invalidates the very reason people are supposed to give spontaneous gifts of love in the first place, which actually makes such gifts a manipulative insult. And those are your choices: Either do what she wants, or be right. And what have we already learned about you being right?

6. Stop being so hormonally crazed. Well, at least try to stop being so hormonally crazed. Okay, try to be less hormonally crazed. Okay, forget it. Just try not to get arrested.

7. Stop complaining about your job. Guys love to talk about — and especially to complain about — their jobs. Women, though often seemingly infinite in their patience and empathy, do have their limits. You’ll know you’ve reached your wife’s when, as you are telling her about your day, she starts to fidget.

8. Get okay with being late. Women have an internal guide that tells them which things it’s okay to be late for, and which things it’s not. Unfortunately, that guide is written in ancient Venusian. You don’t read ancient Venusian. You don’t read any Venusian. Invest in a hand-held DVD player.

9. Tell your wife how to behave in public. Women love this. It makes them feel like you’re watching out for them, like you’re helping them understand things about themselves that they don’t understand, and should be aware of. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to explain this to my own wife as she was walking away from me.

10. Don’t keep bugging your wife to give you some good ideas for a “Top 10″ list you’re writing when she’s trying to get ready to go to work. Trust me on this one.