A bit more on the general subject touched upon with yesterday’s, “Stop Wasting Time Looking for Mr. Right.”
If you’re a single woman, a good thing to understand about any man with whom you’re thinking about getting more deeply involved or even married is that men don’t change. They are who they are. Love and accept the man you’re interested in as he is, or move on.
If your potential life-mate possesses a quality that you don’t like—a habit, personality quirk, major behavior tendency, political philosophy, whatever—then you need to ask yourself whether you can live with that quality, or not. If not, then move on to bachelor number two; bachelor number one isn’t your guy.
When it comes to figuring out if you can live with your man’s problematic quality, ask yourself this: Does that quality offend your values, or your taste? If stuff he does, says, or thinks run contrary to your values, then that’s a serious issue. But if what he offends is your taste—if in effect he simply does things differently than you’d prefer him to—then probably not so much.
A value difference could be a deal breaker. But a style difference shouldn’t be.
Let’s say you love a man who is a motorcycle enthusiast. You’d rather he didn’t ride a motorcycle, because it’s dangerous. But is riding a motorcycle a values issue, or a style issue? Though a case can be made for it being a values issue (since for the sake of our loved ones we should all remain as safe as possible), it’s primarily a matter of style, insofar as knowing that a person drives a motorcycle tells you nothing about that person’s character; it’s something they do, and no indicator at all of who they are. So as a problem, you’re going to have to let go the fact that your man drives a motorcycle—or you should at least be a lot more willing to let that go, to accept that quality of his. Because the bottom line is that he does ride a motorcycle. That’s who he is. There isn’t a different man inside of him who doesn’t ride a motorcycle, a man that you can somehow get to replace the man you know. Though it may sound harsh, that your man rides a motorcycle is your problem, not his.
You can’t change that about him. Your choice is to either leave him over the fact that he rides a motorcycle, or embrace it as part of what makes you love him so.
The choice you don’t want to make is to try to change whatever problem you have with your man into his problem, by complaining about it, or trying to make him feel guilty about it, or (even) crying about it. Sure, at the time you do those things, a guy may respond to the emotionality of the moment by saying (and perhaps even believing) that he will change. But he won’t. Because once the drama has cleared, the truth of who he really is will begin to reassert itself, and he will begin to think that you don’t actually have a right to tell him who or how he should be. And as sure as one day follows the next, he’s then going to start resenting you for trying to make your own will his own.
And as likely as not, he’ll then start lying to you. He’ll start sneaking doing whatever it is he does that you don’t like. And then you’ll “catch” him doing that thing.
And there you’ll be, stuck in that nasty little loop in which so many couples do get stuck, where the woman’s either constantly nagging at her man to stop doing something he keeps doing anyway, or is deeply upset at discovering that her man’s been lying to her about something he’s been doing all along that he’s not “supposed” to be doing at all.
Avoid that trap forever, going in, by realizing that you’re supposed to love your partner for who they are, not for who you want them to become.
The thing is, persisting in trying to change your man is guaranteed to transmogrify you something much more akin to his mother than his wife. And then he will turn into a bastardized version of your son. Tell your man he needs to eat more vegetables, and as sure as the day is long he’ll start sneaking pizza.
Yech.
Life’s too short. You want a man, not a boy. Successful relationships are built on mutual respect, not the kind of co-dependent, mutually dysfunctional craziness that necessarily develops whenever one person in a relationship is convinced that they know what’s best for the other.
Be prepared to take and love him as he is, or move on to someone you can.
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I know some people are shocked over this porn garbage, but I'm personally shocked that there are pple out there that are not aware of the movie "Love Story" Hello people :0 Where do they come from?
I loved this article and the responses… my question is this… what about being “equally yoked?” Before I came to have a relationship with Christ I was deeply involved in a four-year unmarried relationship with a man who is not only not a Christian, but very against Christianity and religion. We had three beautiful children together within that 4 year timespan and about a year after my salvation experience I chose to move out on my own. Now, almost two years later, I still feel bonded to this man emotionally and still deeply care for him. But I don’t know that I know, that he is the right husband for me. I want to know that I know…you know? He’s still not a Christian, and I’m still digging ever-deeper roots with Christ so this truly is a values question. The reason I left was because he was not going to allow me to take our children to church, which I found oppressive and controlling. Anyway, to make a long story short, I just wonder over and over again if I should try again with him. It seems stupid just reading it now, because the answer seems and obvious, “no”, but after having children together I find it very difficult to close that door and move on… and, by the way, I would love your advice column if you do decide to do one.. I have been blessed greatly through the discovery of your blog this evening. Thank you!
Thanks for writing and all the kind words, mam. I'm afraid I've GOT to get to bed just now, but I wonder if what I wrote in the article linked to below might help you at all? The piece is called, "When You Love Someone Who Doesn't Love Christ", and it's here:
http://johnshore.com/2007/06/25/when-you-love…
Also, if I've time tommorow moring, maybe I'll put what you've here written up as an individual blog post, and let's see what others might have to say about your emotionally dense situation.
“If you think you’re in love with someone, you’re not. When you’re in love with someone, you know it. And one of the ways you know you’re in love with someone is that nothing that person does or says ever really bothers you at all.”
If this is correct, then I have never really been “in love” with my wife of 33 years. Sometimes she DOES do things that bother me, and I sometimes do things that bother her. I don’t know exactly what you mean by “in love”, but the context makes it sounds like romantic/erotic love, rather than Biblical/agape love. I love my wife because I made a choice to love her, based upon what the Bible teaches about love. This doesn’t mean that I don’t have strong romantic feelings about my wife, but it means that even after 33 years, we still do things that bother/annoy/chafe on the other, most of which are due to the reasons outlined in the article – and the fact is that our basic personality characteristics are not going to be changed by another person, but we can still choose to behave in a way that pleases the other. This is true of both men AND women. As Christians, one of our goals should be a willingness to change our behavior to please our spouse, and be able to live with the fact that the change may not be what we prefer. I have modified my behavior in a number of areas for the sake of my wife, and she knows that it’s not in my “normal” character, and appreciates the fact that I make the effort for her sake. She, in turn, has shown a willingness to do the same for me.
However, all that being said, there was no guarantee before we were married that this would be the case, as I was not a Christian then. I was converted just a few months after our marriage, and it’s a good thing, as we would have been just another divorce statistic otherwise. In looking back, if I had been a friend of my wife (instead of ME, if you know what I mean) I would have counseled her NOT to marry me. Drugs, alcohol, self-centered behavior, unfaithfulness – she was headed for disaster! However, God intervened, and things did change. The real issue is that God doesn’t always do this – too many couples have married with the woman having the idea, “He’ll change for me, because we’re in LOVE!”. Don’t count on it! My wife was fortunate – too many aren’t, and only God knows why.
This is such good advice, but too late for me. I am printing it for my daughters ages 14 and 5 to read someday. Having no knowledge of the saving grace of Jesus at 19 years old, I got pregnant with an adrennaline junky, drug and alcohol addict (didn't you say something about good girls being attracted to bad boys?). Amazingly, we had some very similar values, and we decided that we would keep our baby and get married and stay that way forever- I naievely thought happily. It has been a long hard road ever since, and we both have come real close to bailing many times, but we are still on it. I am finally realizing I cannot change the fact that he has a lot of addictions, nor can I change the way he leads his life because of them. I have wanted him to change for so many years that it has taken an awful lot of effort to just focus on loving what I love about him, and giving him respect. I think wanting someone to change really gets in the way of seeing the great things about them. Being dissatissfied is corrosive. I am working on being content, realizing it's a choice. I wait each day knowing God's arm is not too short to reach my husband's soul, and now I understand that is the only way he will change. Until then, all I can do is handle myself and how I react- just simply living Christ. I face every day with the results of some real hard mistakes in my life. I can't go back, won't break my promise to my husband and God, and move forward grateful for how I've been blessed (4 arrows in this quiver who are a testimony to our Great God!) God has used it for good and His glory, but not without countless tears and heartache. Men. Don't. Change. I've lived and learned. Not too late for my girls, and lots of singles reading here.
I agree wholeheartedly with everything said in this article. I understand the temptation to want to change a man but the truth of the matter is he is who he is. There were several great points made in this article and I commend you for speaking the truth here. This speaks to not just singles but married couples as well. Everyone deserves to be loved for who they are instead of what another person thinks they should be.
Again: the key word there is "REALLY."
" And one of the ways you know you're in love with someone is that nothing that person does or says ever really bothers you at all."
WOW
seriously?
…I want whatever you are smoking….
This is the first time I’ve heard someone agree with me so candidly about the way some women try to control men. We women must accept our men as they are if we want to be accepted as we are. Once the difference a woman a sees in a man has no threat based on principles or morals to the relationship she should allow him to be HIMSELF, NOT HERSELF IN HIM!!! If a woman is not prepared to accept a man as he is she should terminate the realtionship rather than nag him to death!!
Go back to the curse God placed on Eve. A woman will always have that desire to control the men in her life, unless she seeks her life thru Christ. In Him we rise above that curse.
Know a man consumed by his work? The world calls them workaholics. That's his curse. In the Garden, Adam worked, but didn't toil. The land produced of it's own accord, not thru his efforts. Adam merely worked it and ate of it's fruit. Then the curse and he had to slave away. Many men (and) women now do the same thing. They don't view work as their calling or ministry or life under Christ, but as one world while saving Christ for Sundays. In that world of work they separate themselves emotionally and physically from their family. A worker who has submitted to Christ and follows His lead to the workplace/calling will find he/she may be away at times, but not at a loss. They're content and their happiness is never a dream being chased.
So please, lets keep this where it really belongs, a spiritual issue. It really isn't an evolutionist idea of motherhood instinct but a spiritual one. And no, I'm not trying cram the Bible down anyone's throat, but it's right there in Genesis. Control.
God tried showing Cain his error. It's not about changing and blaming others. It's about seeing why YOU"RE angry. Why are you trying to change others when its you (us) that need changing.
I know I had blinders on. I was raised by a mother who is a control freak, a blamer, a manipulator, and many more. I thought every woman was like her. Friendly to strangers and mean to family. She put on a face she kept by the door. Hence when I met my x, she was so sweet. I compared her outside to my moms inside or the real mom. 5.5 hours after the ring was on, I didn't know who was in the car with me. Yep, I married my mom even though I ensured I didn't. I most certainly wasn't looking for mom. Be warned when they say men marry their moms and girls marry their dads. It may not be out of choice, rather that's what we think normal is.
I hope this helps some to take a look at themselves and try to see why they have made the choices they have. It's not a mistake. It's not just a simple error. It's what you consider normal or the personality you've become thru worldly hurts, being raised by parents who were not perfect, and we're all born (including our parents) in this fallen world where things are getting worse, not better. Perfection or as close to it, was before the curse and wasn't around long. How long did it take Satan to fall and then take Adam and Eve with him?
Think of it. Satan must have fallen very early on. Very early. A few seconds maybe? And then he comes in the serpent. You never know what a snake is thinking or feeling. They are expressionless. You don't know if they're happy like you do your dog. Eve fell for him, then Adam fell for Eve. That's another good topic when you think of it. When a woman tries to change her husband, is she really making him God-like or has she been seduced by Satan and wants to drag her man along with her, thinking they are now in God's will?
Does that wake everyone up?
Sure. Thanks for not … trying to have me killed.
I hear what you say, and it makes much sense…
Thanks for your quick reply and advice.
God bless
My advice can of course be of only very limited value, since I'm hardly familiar with the details of your relationship. That said, though, it sure SOUNDS like your man is dinking you around by continuing to act out in the world as if he is single. That's bullshit. If a man is PRETENDING to be single, then effectually he is. You have every right to be seriously bothered by his essentially hedging his bets by on the one hand telling you he's with you, and on the other telling the world he's not. No good. He needs to choose–and then LIVE that choice. The only two questions I'd have are: Why is he doing that, and why are you in love with someone who would do that? That IS a values issue. That's a matter of respect.
I like your article John, interesting and very informative. I agree we cannot make our man change.
However I would need further insight: would you say that telling him (or making him know) that his being secretive about the relationship makes me feel insecure is trying to change him? I've always known him as a secretive person as we were friends for a couple of years before we start dating.
He likes to keep his personal life private, but it also means that other women think he's single… It probably shouldn't bother me that it doesn't tell the whole world he's in a relationship, but I have to say IT DOES bother me it doesn't make it clear to women around him. I dont believe it means I am not in love with him though.
I find it confusing, could you give me your view on this?
Anon: Yeah, women are of course very often drawn to truly "bad boys"–by which I mean not Sensitive Rebel types, but Actual Dickheads. You, clearly, are being drawn to one now. And if you finally go to him, he will treat you like crap, and you'll stay with him for awhile and let him treat you like crap, and after long drama you'll get out of the relationship, and wonder what the heck is the matter with you. As we all know, that's a cycle a LOT of women fall into. I'm not saying you will, of course–I was just using your little story to illustrate a point about women generally. But isn't it amazing how often that DOES happen?
Hi John, thanks for your article
I think its just a weird need women have to change men.
I have a great and accepting relationship with my bf, I have always resisted the nagging, and let him be himself.
My issue is with another guy, who I cant stand, but he gets on my nerves so much, hes not a nice person, a misogynist and player, but I have this insane urge to prove him wrong about women and change him… theres that urge!
And its beginning to cloud my love for my boyfriend, who I prefer infinately, in looks, values, personality, everything
Its illogical, I dont know why I cant stop thinking this other loser.
We are wired strange hahaha.
Im trying to get closure on it, Im just totally baffled by my own thoughts, and Im not considering cheating, but thoughts can be powerful.
Anyway.. have a nice day
No worries, John. I'm not very happy about it either, and I spent seven years alone before making a decision to embark upon having a relationship — only to have it turn out like this. I acknowledge it takes two, and I'm not trying to paint him as a horrible person, he's just not right for me and I am not right for him. If the situation was physically abusive or overly verbally abusive (because it is psychologically and verbally abusive to an extent) I would not be seeking to remain friends with this individual, not to mention his family. I guess in writing to you I've answered my own question. It just seems ludicrous to think we can remain friends and live under the same roof. But again, there is this little voice in me that wonders why people have to go to such extremes and why we simply cannot learn to compromise?
Thanks for your time.
Yeah, I'm sorry for being too harsh. My wife works for a nonprofit that in part serves the needs of victims of domestic violence, so severe marital dysfunction is a significant part of her/my/our lives. And, to be honest, it's difficult to not at some point not just grow intensely frustrated by women who, wide-eyed, walk them and their children into situations that couldn't HELP but end badly. It's like watching people walk off a cliff, and then cry because they got hurt. So I was … responding from that place of frustration. Which doesn't help you, of course. And I apologize for doing that.
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