Comments on: Single Women: Do Not Try To Change Him

By: Diana A.

Diana A. — Thu, 24 Mar 2011 12:37:08 +0000

Thank you for writing this. Yes, this kind of thing happens all the time. It’s so not cool.

By: qeqw

qeqw — Thu, 24 Mar 2011 07:38:21 +0000

it is funny because this is a very common topic, but i think this goes both ways, as does most human behavior. Although I admit that I put pressure on men, I also have to say that in many cases the men I have been with try to change me. They try to convince me for example, to be more feminine, sometimes they even buy clothes for me to make me look more like their ideal woman, they put pressure on me to do things I don’t really want to do, etc. My last boyfriend I am still resentful of and I particularly hated him mostly because he spent too much time trying to change me, and didn’t really make any effort to change himself. Mostly he was obsessed with feminine beauty and because he was unsatisfied with me but too chicken shit to go after his ideal woman, he tried to make me into his ideal woman, which did not work (i am more of a tomboy and girl next door type than a very high maintenance woman, and apparently he thought I was a fixer-upper, someone that he could mold into his ideal) He wanted me to be always well shaven and perfumed, and even though I occasionally try to look nice he was so pushy that I stopped trying. As a result i rebelled against him and didnt shave or perfume for several months. I also completely stopped cooking (even though normally i really like to cook). He also wanted to mold me into doing some sexual things that i didn’t really feel like doing, and since he put so much pressure on me and didnt appreciate what I did do, i completely lost interest in sex. He thinks I had interest in sex because I have a very high sex drive, but in reality I found it very boring. He also pushed me to pay more attention to him instead of spending my time studying and working and such, and was very ungrateful when I finally did that, ignoring me for sports games and such. As a result I stopped hanging around and spent more time at work and with friends, because I didn’t want to come back home to him, and I also became even less feminine than I normally am because I was tired of his pushy and ungrateful attitude and preferred drinking at the bar with my friends. I also started to become more argumentative with him because I had tried so hard to please him and nothing ever worked, so when I finally realized I would never be his ideal woman I became very hateful and argumentative. I also started to notice how ugly he was, in spite of the fact that I had never noticed it before: he was fat and he spent all his time on this ugly couch of his watching television, too lazy to change himself, but somehow still felt entitled to molding me or making me do things.

Finally I realized that just like you can’t make a man love you, you also can’t change a woman, and I wasnt interested in doing anything at all for him, particularly for someone that would not even become my husband, and he wasnt interested in committing to someone that wasn’t willing to do things for him, so it became a stalemate.

So yeah, I think people forget that men try to change women ALL THE TIME TOO, because women are sometimes even brought up to try to please people!!!! But you can’t change a woman, especially a stubborn woman, and if you do she will not love you!!! And even with the less stubborn women you might think that everything is going nicely but in the future you might get a rude awakening!! The best thing I can say about the guy I am mentioning above is that if I saw him again I would ignore him at best, at worst I would probably throw a drink in his face!!!! Not only am I not an ideal woman, I also lost any desire to be an ideal friend.

I know that sounds very harsh, and I do not hate all men, I just very much resent those that think you are just a doll they can play with and “mold” into their little fantasy. It never works!!!! Women fart and groan and have scars and flaws just like men, and if you can’t deal with them you should go find yourself a blow-up doll, or make yourself a robot!!!!!

By: Melesa Garrison

Melesa Garrison — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 14:24:32 +0000

I know some people are shocked over this porn garbage, but I'm personally shocked that there are pple out there that are not aware of the movie "Love Story" Hello people :0 Where do they come from?

By: mamarosi

mamarosi — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 06:27:29 +0000

I loved this article and the responses… my question is this… what about being “equally yoked?” Before I came to have a relationship with Christ I was deeply involved in a four-year unmarried relationship with a man who is not only not a Christian, but very against Christianity and religion. We had three beautiful children together within that 4 year timespan and about a year after my salvation experience I chose to move out on my own. Now, almost two years later, I still feel bonded to this man emotionally and still deeply care for him. But I don’t know that I know, that he is the right husband for me. I want to know that I know…you know? He’s still not a Christian, and I’m still digging ever-deeper roots with Christ so this truly is a values question. The reason I left was because he was not going to allow me to take our children to church, which I found oppressive and controlling. Anyway, to make a long story short, I just wonder over and over again if I should try again with him. It seems stupid just reading it now, because the answer seems and obvious, “no”, but after having children together I find it very difficult to close that door and move on… and, by the way, I would love your advice column if you do decide to do one.. I have been blessed greatly through the discovery of your blog this evening. Thank you!

By: John Shore

John Shore — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 22:57:14 +0000

Thanks for writing and all the kind words, mam. I'm afraid I've GOT to get to bed just now, but I wonder if what I wrote in the article linked to below might help you at all? The piece is called, "When You Love Someone Who Doesn't Love Christ", and it's here: http://johnshore.com/2007/06/25/when-you-love... Also, if I've time tommorow moring, maybe I'll put what you've here written up as an individual blog post, and let's see what others might have to say about your emotionally dense situation.

By: Dave T

Dave T — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 00:14:44 +0000

“If you think you’re in love with someone, you’re not. When you’re in love with someone, you know it. And one of the ways you know you’re in love with someone is that nothing that person does or says ever really bothers you at all.”

If this is correct, then I have never really been “in love” with my wife of 33 years. Sometimes she DOES do things that bother me, and I sometimes do things that bother her. I don’t know exactly what you mean by “in love”, but the context makes it sounds like romantic/erotic love, rather than Biblical/agape love. I love my wife because I made a choice to love her, based upon what the Bible teaches about love. This doesn’t mean that I don’t have strong romantic feelings about my wife, but it means that even after 33 years, we still do things that bother/annoy/chafe on the other, most of which are due to the reasons outlined in the article – and the fact is that our basic personality characteristics are not going to be changed by another person, but we can still choose to behave in a way that pleases the other. This is true of both men AND women. As Christians, one of our goals should be a willingness to change our behavior to please our spouse, and be able to live with the fact that the change may not be what we prefer. I have modified my behavior in a number of areas for the sake of my wife, and she knows that it’s not in my “normal” character, and appreciates the fact that I make the effort for her sake. She, in turn, has shown a willingness to do the same for me.
However, all that being said, there was no guarantee before we were married that this would be the case, as I was not a Christian then. I was converted just a few months after our marriage, and it’s a good thing, as we would have been just another divorce statistic otherwise. In looking back, if I had been a friend of my wife (instead of ME, if you know what I mean) I would have counseled her NOT to marry me. Drugs, alcohol, self-centered behavior, unfaithfulness – she was headed for disaster! However, God intervened, and things did change. The real issue is that God doesn’t always do this – too many couples have married with the woman having the idea, “He’ll change for me, because we’re in LOVE!”. Don’t count on it! My wife was fortunate – too many aren’t, and only God knows why.

By: What? Me, Mediocre? « Suddenly Christian

What? Me, Mediocre? « Suddenly Christian — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 17:21:40 +0000

[...] letters from people who took my last few posts (Six Tests to Determine If He’s Mr. Right ,To Single Women: Men. Don’t. Change, and Men Are Spoiled) as evidence that I don’t like men. But those writers are sadly moronic [...]

By: j. k.

j. k. — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 16:48:32 +0000

This is such good advice, but too late for me. I am printing it for my daughters ages 14 and 5 to read someday. Having no knowledge of the saving grace of Jesus at 19 years old, I got pregnant with an adrennaline junky, drug and alcohol addict (didn't you say something about good girls being attracted to bad boys?). Amazingly, we had some very similar values, and we decided that we would keep our baby and get married and stay that way forever- I naievely thought happily. It has been a long hard road ever since, and we both have come real close to bailing many times, but we are still on it. I am finally realizing I cannot change the fact that he has a lot of addictions, nor can I change the way he leads his life because of them. I have wanted him to change for so many years that it has taken an awful lot of effort to just focus on loving what I love about him, and giving him respect. I think wanting someone to change really gets in the way of seeing the great things about them. Being dissatissfied is corrosive. I am working on being content, realizing it's a choice. I wait each day knowing God's arm is not too short to reach my husband's soul, and now I understand that is the only way he will change. Until then, all I can do is handle myself and how I react- just simply living Christ. I face every day with the results of some real hard mistakes in my life. I can't go back, won't break my promise to my husband and God, and move forward grateful for how I've been blessed (4 arrows in this quiver who are a testimony to our Great God!) God has used it for good and His glory, but not without countless tears and heartache. Men. Don't. Change. I've lived and learned. Not too late for my girls, and lots of singles reading here.

By: Rain

Rain — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 12:45:21 +0000

I agree wholeheartedly with everything said in this article. I understand the temptation to want to change a man but the truth of the matter is he is who he is. There were several great points made in this article and I commend you for speaking the truth here. This speaks to not just singles but married couples as well. Everyone deserves to be loved for who they are instead of what another person thinks they should be.

By: Surprise (Or Not)! Men Are Spoiled! « Suddenly Christian

Surprise (Or Not)! Men Are Spoiled! « Suddenly Christian — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 15:52:11 +0000

[...] I’ve had reason to understand (via Six Tests to Determine If He’s Mr. Right and To Single Women: Men. Don’t. Change) that women find men as mysterious as I know men find women. That this is true comes as a bit of [...]