Lately I’ve heard from a considerable number of women who basically got burned in relationships by guys who turned out to be less Prince Charming than Burpy, the village idiot.
So that got me thinking about what women might be able to do in order to discover what their potential life-mate is really made of, who the man behind the Dating Curtain really is. And voila: I arrived at these six tests any woman can use to discover whether or not the man she’s dating is Mr. Right, or Mr. Lite.
The Mr. Right Test #1: Get into real knock-down, drag-out fight with him
You can tell just about everything you need to know about a person by the way they fight. You simply do not know someone until you’ve had a fight with them. My wife and I have saying: A relationship is only as good as its first fight. People go crazy when they fight; what you want to know about your man is how crazy does he go, and how fast — and how much time he spends in Crazyland once he’s gone there. If in the heat of a real argument your man does a pretty good job of sticking to the point, or tends to ratchet the hostility down, or if he actually listens to the things you’re saying, that’s a beautiful sign. But if he goes vicious, or starts attacking you personally by going after weaknesses that in love you’ve shared with him before, or (God forbid) gets in any way physical, that, too is a sign. A “Wrong Way” sign.
The Mr. Right Test #2: Go on a cross-country drive with him
People are pretty good at keeping their stuff together for predetermined lengths of time. But you spend two weeks with someone in a car, and it’s like dragging Dracula outside at high noon: who they really are becomes very clear. On a long road trip, there’s nowhere for a man to hide. Sooner or later his smooth and yummy outer layer will wear off, and his inner chewy nuttiness will be revealed. Plus, a lot of unexpected stuff happens on a road trip: you get lost, a tire blows, the campsite doesn’t hold your reservation, etc. Anyone does well when things are going well; a road trip is sure to show you how your man reacts when things go like they always go in life, which is contrary to plans.
The Mr. Right Test #3: Have him care for you when you’re really sick
One (emphasize: one) of the reasons men love women so much is because women are just so darn pretty. Well, get ugly around your man for a change, and see how that works for you. Get biologically ugly: sneeze a lot, and wipe your nose on your sleeve — no, on his! — and cough like you’re trying to turn yourself inside out, and keep your hair all matted-up and funky, and just … exude Maximum Grossness. (Well, maybe not maximum grossness. No need to get arrested or anything.) How does he behave while you’re practically croaking on your couch? Is he patient, sympathetic, loving, attentive? Or does he (eventually) act like you being sick is really a drag that he wishes you’d stop? The former, of course, is great; the latter could make for one ceremony-wrecking flashback when the officiate at your wedding gets to “in sickness and in health.” Chances are (sigh) that your would-be man has already shown you how ready he is to at a moment’s notice play the role of your father. That’s cool — or whatever. But what you also need to know from him is how willing he is to step up, when you need it, and assume the role of loving mother.
The Mr. Right Test #4: Watch him around other women
For many reasons we won’t here delve into (socialization, hormones, insecurity, nature, the desire to confirm that they’re as irresistible as they think they are), men flirt. Cool enough; that’s probably how you were attracted to your man in the first place. But once you and he have committed to being together exclusively, the only message your man ever needs to be sending any other woman is ”I’m Sure You’re Very Cute, But Not to Me.” Next time the two of you attend a party, separate from him, and then watch him while he’s in Solo Socializing mode. If you see him consistently not flirting with batting-eyed beauties, fantastic. If you do see him turning on his Mr. Spectacular show, don’t panic. At some point after the party, though, do talk to him — and for real. Tell him how his flirting with other girls hurts your feelings, and — worse, maybe — how it makes you look like a fool, and embarrasses you before your friends. If he sees and understands the truth of that, and sincerely agrees to full-on stop flirting with other women, that’s great: relationships are about honing and smoothing. But if, knowing how it does and must make you feel, he continues to flirt with other women, then he’s being very clear about not only who he is, but about whom he expects you to be or become.
The Mr. Right Test #5: Watch how he treats service personnel
Waiters, busboys, doormen, janitors, maids, parking attendants, delivery people, store clerks … a man’s character is revealed by how he treats such people in his life. If towards service personnel or those beneath him professionally your man is brusque, dismissive, or in even the slightest way condescending, then as sure as sharks bite he’s going to start treating you that way, too. It’s just not possible for a man who doesn’t treat everyone with respect to respect you. It’s a symptom of a problem he has that you’re not going to be able to fix. Get out right away, or go down trying.
The Mr. Right Test #6: Watch how he loses
Everyone wins well: in victory, everyone is gracious, magnanimous, humble, sweet. How a guy loses, however, tells you who he is. Be with your man sometime when he loses a game of some sort that he wanted or expected to win. (Bonus points if you’re the one who beats him.) Watch very carefully how he responds to defeat. A real winner knows it’s about remaining a winner, no matter the score.
![John Shore on The Huffington Post](http://johnshore.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/huffpost.jpg?w=120 "John Shore on The Huffington Post\")
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Here is a link to my post. I think I also commented on someone else’s post to that link but can’t seem to locate it at the moment. Been a busy day.
I mentioned it in a comment regarding Michelle Bachmann’s team in New Hampshire quitting. I said one of the test is to see how they treat the people who serve them, and I also said, a presidential campaign is like a long road trip.
Your rock John. The Six Tests should be required reading for all teenagers in love. Heck, it should be required reading for adults in love, too.
Good tips for any relationship!
Watch how your prospect fares around critters.
This would work,to a certain extent,with any beings not at the top of the social order (kids,the mentally disabled,etc.). These persons often have an acute sense of an individual’s character.
Once,my pets took a strong,instant dislike to a visitor who was charming and had a good reputation. Suffice it to say,their reaction was born out later.
My partner made a far less successful first impression -except for the animals.
They looked past his scruffy,curmudgeonly facade and “adopted” him on sight.
When the gregarious pet hides or growls at someone-listen.
When the shy or cantankerous beast is accepting or smitten,pay attention.
They may be able to read something about the person we can’t detect.
According to this list, I got me a keeper!!
I chose Mister Right. No doubts. So happy!! We’ve been married for almost seven years and he proves daily who he really is. I have to state that I have the experience to say that I know what I know. I was with my first husband for 34 years and after he was killed in an accident it shocked me to realize that he never truly loved me. My REAL husband loves me, no holds barred, and that adds joy to my life and my relationship with God in ways I could never have imagined. Wow.
Glad you didn't go with the suggestion about treating mothers and sisters. My mom and I got along like fire and gasoline and my older sister was the one who taught me the fine art of fighting dirty—-I almost didn't survive the tutorial. But even the grimness of mortal combat can teach one to respect the Opponent and this is a vital life lesson; one that can go far in the life of a loving relationship with a woman. Besides, the sheer relief of having a woman in your life that isn't trying to kill you at least once a day makes the intelligent, sensitive soul much happier and when a guy is happy, he can't wait to share this with a woman he loves. Good luck.
Great list.
I'd like to add to #1
During an argument, if he ratchets down, that's fine. If he does it to the extent of not talking to you for a month because he got his feelings hurt, then that's a red flag too.
I highly recommend looking at his relationship with his mother. I married someone whose mother was pretty much the most unhealthy person I had ever met. (I am talking emotionally unhealthy.) And she raised my ex… and he had no siblings and she had no one else in her life. She unconsciously wanted him to be a surrogate spouse for her when he was 7 yrs old, at the time of her divorce from his dad.
This played out in various negative ways in our marriage, which I won't go in to. But suffice to say I am NEVER going to consider marrying a man again who has an unhealthy relationship with his mother and whose mother raised him in a very unhealthy way.
Perhaps it is needless to say that my blog is about divorce!
http://italiandreams.wordpress.com
Very interesting. I’m Italian, too, and my first husband was Italian. At first, I thought his relationship with his mother was a good one because he seemed like a steadfast, family oriented guy. Later on, it was apparent that his relationship with her was quite dysfunctional. I plan on checking out your blog.
Sorry, Chandi… Not so sure you’re Italian.
i do hope some day the hurt will go away and that i can trust just one man. but i just been shown for most of my life i cant then i will get hurt if i do.. thanks
i was reading your blog on the is he right for you and i am sitting here crying like i havent in a long time,about what he does with a woman and when he is not around and how it hurts so bad, how i have been treated by a guy and now how i cant trust men for nothing no matter what i cant let them in my life to many lies and hurts it all came out right now by reading this article on is he right for me. i havent been in a relationship for 3 years now.it was always when i have been with a man that when another woman is around how i was treated like i was a nobody they would flirt wit hthe waitress, and the cashier, wherever we went, not intrduce me to his friends as his girlfriend. not one man i have known has shown me i can trust him, or long trips with a man then hitting on me , i left that man in the desert after that. d oyou have a book on all this hurt from all these relationships that has destroyed my trust completly on anyone, please let me know, cause i need some relieve.
That is one excellent post. The 'first fight' point is a pearl and will teach you how driven he is by his ego. Does he take things 'personally' or can he separate his emotional attachment from facts and events?
Watching him around other women is another test of his egotistical nature. Does he require the validation of other women in order to feel good about himself? Also if another woman flirted with him – would he rise to it?
The service staff point is great too. All truly great men are humble and the way he treats service staff is a measure of his self perception.
Very, very good. I shall explore the blog further.
Adam.
That's great how your husband did that for your mom, Regina. Wonderful. Thanks for writing and sharing.
Great 6 tests ,,, and I agree with the very early comment (possibly the first back in 2007!) that says something about looking at the way a man treats his mother … and what their relationship is really like … well, I would add, does he have enough compassion and kindness of heart to be patient with your parents as they age and may, someday, need their daughter to help them at some level…there are lots of mother in law jokes, but the reality is that aging parents need the love and support of their children usually one of their daughters, as they age and grow frailer and more afraid of the bustle of everyday life! See how a man reacts to in-law discussions, etc. TMy mother lived with us for 8 years, and my kind and patient husband brought her an early morning coffee and toast every day for nearly all those years hanks again for the six tests artice….and he passed all six of the tests … thanks!
* clarifier here, Im not bothered so much by his obvious flirting, more by the girls who either take him seriously, or seem to ignore the fact that he has a gf.
maybe I'm just too jealous… or maybe we just pick the wrong girls to try and be friends with. Cause it doesnt seem to be a problem with guys…
5 out of six is okay right?
we argue alot. some days it seems we cant be near each other. He is a good guy. Bad temper, never with me. I love him, but its communication really. I have ambitions, but only because he isnt happy now.
and the flirting thing… he makes me feel loved.. and I knew he was mine- but he was so obvious about it. we'd be in the car, and I'd see him looking at someone else- or he'd mutter sometihng like 'sexy'.
and i'd look at him and suddenly he's innocent and all, " her is you honey. Im talking about you…"
yea i have hard that to but you know what my boyfriend goes though so meny changes that it's not even funny and he's one day all over me and the nexts he's mad and don't want to be by me but yea thats just men
Your post, whilst being quite true, is a little lopsided. Did you ever do one for women? While it is true that a man should always be present and attentive with his woman, he is also very vulnerable in this place to being manipulated by her. Its a fine line – an art – the balance of power in relationship. Sometimes it is a show of his wisdom – and to her best advantage also – for him to not support her in her negative emotions (illness, jealousy, guilt). Just as much as he must be loving and attentive in his presence with her, she must be open to it, or it cannot be given, and she cannot get it, and there can't be much true love for long …..
That would have been Albert Einstein.
"Men marry women with the hope they will never change.
Women marry men with the hope they will change.
Invaribly they are both disappointed."
Who was the guy who said something along the lines of …
Going into marriage, a women hopes her man will change, and a man hopes his women won't change, and they'll both be disappointed.
… or something like this?
So you're a LURKER, Casper! I KNEW it!
Perv.
Hey – I was reasonably articulate! I'll try to work harder on the funny.
Wow. A funny, articulate lurker.
Are there OTHERS like you out there?
I think your list is priceless–and I do indeed agree with each. In my last relationship, we were able to experience all of those issues in the natural course of dating. He passed, I passed, and then we were able to move in to the deeper issues–money and family.
Loving each other more than life itself was not enough to overcome our differences in those two extremely important areas, but we had developed the ability to speak very honestly and lovingly with each other through all of the items on your list and so were able to split amicably before we ended up married to someone who was ultimately wrong.
Alright, I will go back to lurking now.
Actually, I never said I had a problem with her being flirtatious – you said that. I just pondered the question. Do I feel emasculated or embarassed when she flirts with another guy? No. I’m pretty self assured, I’m the father of our children, I’ve been with her since Reagan was in the White House. I don’t suspect that I’m going to lose my spot as her mate over a little banter around a punchbowl.
I didn’t say she doesn’t flirt, I said it takes her a little longer to “get there”, meaning to get comfortable enough with a new male friend to flirt a little. There’s a bit of shyness there, there’s also a bit of safety concern involved. The double standard that I’m talking about is that men rape women, women don’t rape men (or at least it’s EXTREMELY rare). When I meet a nice lady at a party, I don’t have to worry about her grabbing me on the way to the restroom and assaulting me – my wife does have to consider that, and that’s why it “Takes her a little longer”.
Please don’t assume that I suffer from this jealousy or insecurity.
Hey, Casper: Thanks for the long, great comment. I am familiar with Southern mores; I was born in Nashville, my sister in FL, my mom’s from Virginia.
Anyway, it’s a whole conversation. But yes, you’re right: What constitutes “flirting” is largely a cultural calculation. But let me ask you this: How comfortable do you think you’d be if your wife felt as comfortable flirting with men as you are fliring with women? What if you had to watch her quite often saying to men–with, as you say, “warmly and with great regard”–”Hello, handsome! You’re a sweetheart and a cutie!” Tell me you woudn’t have issues with that.
Anyway, I don’t mean this in a confrontational way at all. I understand what you’re saying, and appreciate it. It’s just great … conversation foddder, basically. Cuz it IS interesting, the question of the validity or fairness of this double-standard with which you claim women in the South are so comfortable. It’s been my (limited, for sure) experience that–as with most things–some are, and some aren’t. But, you know. Duh.
John.
Great test, but I gotta take issue with number 4. Your cultural prejudices are showing through my friend. I’m a guy, very happily married 20 years to a great gal that I don’t deserve. We have 2 great kids, one grown one nearly grown.
In the years we’ve been together I’ve taken every one of those tests, and passed 5/6 of them with flying covers. I’m a gracious loser, I respect the people who take care of me (and I tip well), I’ve spent several months out of the last 20 years as my wife’s patient and loving day nurse, we do a couple of multi-day road trips every year and look forward to the time together, and I fight fair (when we fight, which is extremely rare).
However – I’m a southern boy. I grew up as the center of attention among several loving aunts, lots of older female cousins, several female “friends of the family”, 2 grandmothers, one great grandmother, and of course a doting mother. I am extremely comfortable with close, playful, flirtatious, loving non-sexual relationships with women of all stripes. I admire and respect and adore women, and I am an incurable flirt.
Perhaps in California, when a man greets a woman with “Hello Beautiful” and a warm smile, it’s shorthand for “Let’s do it!”, but in the southland it just means “Hi there! You’re a sweetheart and a cutie and I just love ya’ to pieces. Want to meet my wife? She’d love ya’ too! Let’s get together and play guitars and sing old country tunes and have pulled pork sandwiches. Is your hubby here? Where is he? Can he sing? Bring him too!”.
We have a certain enthusiasm, and as Bill & Ted said, we try to “Be Excellent to each other”. Most women love to hear “Hello Beautiful!”, and the ones who don’t probably should. We say it warmly and with great regard, and we mean it – but in most cases it’s not a serious attempt at unsavory activity. It’s also not an insult or belittlement of our spouses. I like Tonja and Rebecca and Debbie (to mention a few of our lady friends), but I LOVE Diana, and that’s a whole ‘nuther thing, and there’ll be no messing about.
My wife is a Yankee girl from Indiana, and she didn’t understand at first. It was a strange adjustment for her. She thought I was seriously trying to hit on other women right in front of her, and she was angry. She confronted me, and my response was “Huh? What? You’re kidding! You really thought,,,?!?!”. Now she just finds it funny. One of her coworkers asked her if my flirting bothered her, and she responded “Nah – he’s all talk. If some woman tried to get him in the sack he’d run away scared and hide behind me” (which is probably true).
So,,, perhaps you need a qualifier in there. If your feller isn’t flirty, but gets really chummy with one certain gal, then beware. Perhaps the old “Tramp at the bar” test, where a cute friend tries to pick up your guy. I don’t know what the right answer is, but I know from my own life that your #4 is not necessarily an accurate indicator.
My $.02. Love the blog. Thanks for the writing tips – I’m scanning my local freebie paper now, and I’ll make a submission soon.
Casper
I was just responding to you saying, " I wonder how I would react?!?!". I figured that meant … well, just that: That you weren't sure how you'd feel if your wife flirted like you do. Especially since you also said you thought the question of how you'd feel made "interesting food for thought." But … sounds like you've already thought about it! Fair enough! As I say, I was just responding to what you said. No offense intended, of course.
"But it takes her longer to get there than it takes me." And THERE we have the entire …
Well. Let's just stop right there.
You really would have to be thoughtful and then honest about how you'd react if your wife acted toward other men the way you apparently do towards at least some women. If it wouldn't bother you, then … then you're lying. No, but … well, yeah, really. I mean, it most likely would bother you, if for no other reason (and this is a HUGE reason) than that it would be embarassing to you. It belittles you; it basically emasculates you. Standing there while your wife flirts with another man just … can't be good for you.
Anyway, if you wouldn't feel comfortable with that sort of behavior in your wife, then you have a real challenge on your hands justifying the thinking that she's supposed to be okay with something you're not.
Interesting question – I wonder how I would react?!?! She's got a bit of a shy streak and I'm the outgoing one, so it hasn't been much of an issue. With friends we're comfortable with she flirts and charms and gives hugs – but it takes her longer to get there than it takes me.
Interesting food for thought, thank you. I didn't mean to get into a confrontation either, I guess I just wanted to point out that sometimes flirting's just flirting, and a flirt can be a good husband if he can remember who's who and what's what.
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