My marriage has been hard work. I often felt that my efforts were unappreciated and ignored. After much agony, tears, threats, etc., I decided to stay with him and just let him live his own life and I would live mine. I felt that the emotional trauma I suffered at his hands had ruined me for another relationship, so I would stay with him and make his life hell, just be being there. (And yes, people have called me dramatic.)

I started a little home business, found a job that challenged and totally engaged me, and joined a gospel trio that traveled throughout several states and even made some albums–one in Nashville with some of the Gaither musicians (that was an amazing experience, and one that boosted my confidence!).

My husband surprised me by supporting my long absences from home. He ate frozen pizzas while I was away doing concerts and took care of the kids and everything at home so I could be away.

Since I was in a "gospel" group and didn't want to be a hypocrite, I used our travel time to think about my marriage and what had gone wrong. After awhile I realized I had been pretty "needy" and that no one person can provide 100% of the emotional support for another, even their wife. I also realized my "giving" had strings attached, since I wanted him to give back in the same way I was giving, and that wasn't his way at all. I realized I could have been just a little oversensitive. Even now I'm still not sure how much of the problem was my princess complex and how much of it was his selfish ego (there I go, being dramatic again!).

Sadly, even after 35 years, and after learning to take myself less seriously, i can't say I have the marriage I dreamed of. On the up side, I know my husband and I genuinely care for each other. I will often meet him on my drive to work–he's just checking on me. And when he's training a horse, I will hang around the corral to see if he needs my help—or an ambulance (it has happened!). Seriously, if I need somebody to be there, I can count on my husband. And I will be there for him.

So, while we are completely different personalities, our commitment to each other has brought us a long way. We've learned to enjoy what we can together, and go our separate ways with the rest. I'm sure there is someone who thinks this sounds horrible, but it's not. We both just hung in there when things didn't turn out like we had hoped, and decided to make the best of the way things are.

Do I think this is the answer for every marriage? Of course not.

Everybody's story is different. That's why life, like this website, is so interesting.

And then nothing has been accomplished. The advice giver hasnt helped. The advicee still has a problem, and probably feeling worse.

change starts with the one that wants it. And the one that wants it generally gets it. I think John was right. Deep down, everyone knows that if there is a problem it must be fixed. If a relationship is gone sour, it must be changed. And sometimes a relationship is fixed, and its YAY!!!! And other times one should walk away. I’m sure lots of women know examples- and when they hear about them, they all say it wont happen. The wont make the same mistakes, they know better. A guy wont do this to them… blah blah.

But in the same situation, most women dont act like they say they would. Cause they dont want to admit the problem, or denial has won their hearts. And thats a problem too.

change happens to everyone. Good or bad, whether they want it or not. It’s how one deals with the change, and the situation that matters.

He will notice the changes and respect you. You deserve it.

Marriage requires work by two people. I have been married to the same man for 58 years! I guess I know a little bit about it. Certainly there is forebearing. There is giving and taking. But when there is no respect there is no hope!
When I advised Amy to ‘walk away’ it was to give herself breathing space……which would in turn give him thinking space, hopefully! It’s called tough love! Thankfully my man loved and still loves me unconditionally. And I have always returned back in good measure what is given freely to me.
In reality, when a woman is dealing with a nerd she has to practice tough love. Let him do without her for awhile. Byron, surely you wouldn’t suggest she just ‘stick it out’? Pardon me, but that is typical of the average male defending another male. I am honest with a woman and will tell her if she is wrong in her attitudes or actions. But I cannot defend a man with an angry nature. He needs help. But as long as she stays with him, he won’t seek it. I did not say divorce, either. Separation first! She only goes back after he has agreed to and followed through on getting counselling….then proving to her that he has changed. However, statistics prove and we have learned, all to sadly, that a man will fake it just to get her back scrubbing his clothes and taking his dirt again. Sorry guys!

I admit we all have our moments of disagreements and upsets and we forgive and get over it. But in a womans mind a real man who has promised to love and cherish her, (even though born from Adam’s seed), will basically be a good man; loving, understanding and respectful. They don’t have to like brocolli either!
smile…..!

If your following this blog, and see this, I'd want to qualify your passionate call to her just a bit. You nearly insist that she walk away, if he bruises her, emotionally.

I guess I'd say in a fallen world, we all bruise each other, don't we?. Living in faithfulness to another sinner is, well, the nature of the human condition, and your jumping so quickly without nuance to the option of leaving is, well, itself a very bruising thing for her to do. And will include some terrible sadness on her part, which you seemed nearly glib about…

Of course it is sadly necessary some time. I may have not seen as much domestic violence as you may have in your counseling practice, but I understand its horrific nature. So your solidarity with her is good.

Still, this logic took my breath away: if somebody hurt you, you bail? We'd all be ex-husbands and ex-wives if that was the foundational principle. Surely, even in a quick blog, you could be more careful to qualify your advise, and to offer a justification for leaving a marriage in a way that is more helpful than, anybody that bruises you emotionally is a brute. This is true. And it applies,sadly, to nearly every marriage I know, as we are all sons of Adam and daughters of Eve, for better and for ill, magnificent and hurtful.

Again, I'm not so sure. One guy who posted said her peers tell her one thing, and, I'd say, pop culture another, her church, maybe, something yet again, and her sinful self bubbles up with one set of thoughts and her new self has new instincts and then there is all those voices from her relatives and, and, well, the world, the flesh, and the devil.

So who wins. I talk to people every week about this kind of stuff and I am sure some have some deep wisdom inside. There are others, I am equally sure, simply do not. Their instincts are akilter and their intuitions a mile off base, with little common sense let along a Biblically-shaped worldview. So they need help.

Maybe your point that they know they need help and can find it at a bookstore is true, but, frankly, it is interesting to me when somebody finds a balanced and thoughtful Christian book that speaks their language, seems wise and helpful, that they can understand and enjoy, well, they ARE surprised. Maybe they've heard somewhere that there are these kind of resources out there, but they've not connected well with grace-filled tools of the trade.

And then you said your advise maybe wouldn't have been galvanizing. Ah-ha. So you meant to say that you didn't have anything to say to her that was, uh, stupendous and utterly life-changing. Well, that may be so. I sometimes feel pretty silly inviting folks to read something pretty basic and what seems to me to be nearly self-evident and they find it, well, galvanizing.

And, by the way, I am not so sure, truth be told, about what to DO about a crotchety life partner. Obviously abuse ought not be tolerated. But how to handle and what to do and how to proceed, in faithfulness to vows and God and truth and beauty, yada, yada, yada, isn't always that obvious. Life is sticky, the call to radical discipleship complex, and the ethics of tough decisions isn't usually really simple (esp given the complexity of Bible teaching on so many topics.) There again, a community of believers, reading books and struggling together, in grace and commitment to learn and grow and change, is the galvanizing call. Thanks for allowing me to chime in.

Keep up the good work, with or without the "nice boy" pad. Your great.

I understand completely where you are coming from, because before I was in one of these relationships myself, I ruthlessly judged women victims and repeatedly said the same thing, “Just LEAVE!” Only when it happened to me did I realize how truly horrible these situations are and how impossible and hopeless it can feel to ever regain freedom in your life. I still struggle to this day with scars from that relationship. And I will continue to say that leaving him was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through in my life.

Did I leave my relationship? Certainly. But I gotta tell you, it wasn’t because people were yelling “leave!” in my ear (though I heard that just about every day). It was not because people were making me feel stupid for staying (though they were). It was not because people were telling me I could do better (I did not believe I could). It was because God showed me His love. God’s love was what got me out. So that’s why I have a problem with this blog. I just don’t see too much of the God’s-love approach in helping this woman, and that is what she needs. Nothing else could have saved me from that relationship, no matter how angry my friends and family were or how many “just leave” talks I had to endure. Nothing else could have gotten me out.