But, yeah: Case by case, for sure. Like, I’m constitutionally opposed to divorce: it drives me crazy when people decide they just can’t work it out, and walk away. My parents got divorced, and as a kid I stayed awake every night yearning for them to get back together. So of course that probably plays a big part in why I’m so basically anti-divorce.

My wife’s parents, however, DIDN’T get divorced, and she wishes they would have. So it’ll happen–as it has recently with a couple we know–where I’ll be going, “I can’t BELIEVE those two have just given up and are ACTUALLY GETTING DIVORCED!!” and gnashing my teeth and rending my clothes about it, and Cat (wife) will be going, “Screw that. So-and-so is a JERK. She’s better off without him.”

So I’m divorcing my wife. I’m tired of her arguing with me.

No, but you see my point. It’s that … no one can ever decide anything without first filtering it through their childhood traumas.

Wait, wait. That wasn’t it…

As for divorces, I believe that more of us “Christians” need to be on God’s side in the matters and not take sides with people who are struggling. My marriage is one example of recovery upon seeing and receiving God’s view on my marriage. We certainly did not need anyone to take sides with us. God is not on our side, We are on His. I just say that for people who may be struggling if it helps them.

For many years I struggled with the criticism and negative reactions of fellow christians regarding my personal life path. I chose to leave an abusive relationship. There is absolutely no way to inform all of the well-meaning "saints" of the details of an intimate relationship like marriage of why it is not working. It is really not their business and it would be un-Christ like to expose the weaknesses of the partner you are divorcing. Without all of the details and reasons why something is not working, people really have no idea.

At some point, I had to learn to accept that people reacted to their own wounds and prejudices about divorce and those reactions had little or nothing to do with me. We project our fears, worries, insecurities, and pain onto others.

Anyone who thinks that you walk away from a marriage without horrible pain and suffering has never been through it.

To experience divorce is like death. Except there are no sympathy cards, grieving ceremony or casseroles. No phone calls, no offers for prayer and support. People walk through divorce alone.

This is true outside of the church also. How might we as "Christians" treat one another differently? Less judgment? Loving acceptance? Less arrogance? More oneness?

John – I am not a Christian (although I do believe in Christ and most of his message, don't ask – you probably don't want to know my beliefs) but do respect much of what i think the Christian spirit should be. I see that spirit in your posts, wickles, and some other bloggers… I see that in most of the Chistians I know personally.

Where I don't see it is by some of those that are the most vocal in saying they are Christians (as if saying it makes it true), especially those that judge and condemn others based on their beliefs… I see those that say you aren't a true Christians as those not showing the true spirit.

They make me scared… people like you and wickle give me faith that we can all get along and respect others differences, including different beliefs…

Wow, I found your blog totally appropriate, convicting and informative – this both from your writing, John, and the responses. Some people need to be a little more thoughtful about their comments, too, and put away the torches and pitchforks.

Look at John's entire body of work before judging him, or at least look at God and then yourself. Okay, maybe I'm being too judgemental here, but come on folks! He's giving his opinions based on his personal knowledge and experiences detailed above. Let's take it at that before running for the noose and let's comment in a loving, thoughtful way.

His blog has proved useful to me. I can see where I've been as hurtful as some of the husbands detailed in his blog entry and comments left on it. I repent.

I got this by reading his blog to see what I could get out of it, not as an editor or theologian to see how I could correct John.

Thanks John.

Absolutists such as the writer of comment #12 sometimes don't consider the full ramifications of the situation.

Four years ago I was dying with an emotionally-abusive wife teamed up with her parents literally trying to drive me to suicide. (The day after I confessed to my wife that I'd been having suicidal ideation, I found a razor blade sitting on the side of the sink.)

A group from church that was trying to help me said outright that they were considering telling me that I needed to leave. Those men were one of our elders, the head of my Bible study group, and our church's worship minister.

And make no mistake, we're hardly a liberal church. But we're also not a church that expects people to die for Pharisaical commands. I had to get out of that house.

As to your greater point — shouldn't I have known this? I would have, had I been an active Christian when we were dating. I came to live out my faith after our marriage, and she hated me for it. I'll spare you the rest of the saga. We were both nominal, sometimes-church-attenders when we got married. She became a hardened atheist and I became a fervent believer.

Anyway … you're right not to want to give advice without knowing the whole story. There's no such thing as a one-size-fits-all answer.

And, yes, it's sad that so many Christians are so quick to accuse each other of not being so. But I'm halfway through a blog on that very subject, so I'll leave it at that.