New Year’s Resolution #1: Take Over World

The hat I'll soon be never taking off.

My New Year’s resolution for 2008 is to take over the world. Whoo-hoo! I can hardly wait! By this time next year, I should be fully installed as Supreme Ruler of the World. (I’m also leaning toward the title of “The People’s King,” but we’ll see.) I’ve been meaning to take over the world for quite some time now, but with shopping and chores and all I’ve struggled to find the time. This year I’ll find the time. This year it gets done.

I’m tired of TV commercials, for instance. They’ll be gone. And junk mail. Gone.

Pretty much all advertising, basically. I’ve had it with trying to be sold stuff. I’m surprised advertisers haven’t figured out a way to put ads on the insides of people’s eyelids so they can see them when their eyes are closed. Well, soak up all the ads you can for the next seven or eight months. Because once I’m in, they’re out.

I have a plan for taking over the world, of course: I’m ambitious, not stupid. I know no one’s going to just hand the world to me. I understand these things must be done in methodical, ever-widening increments.

I’d share with you my plan for taking over the world, but it’s so good that once you saw it you’d try to use it to take over the world, and then I’d have to kill you. So you’ll just have to wait and see.

I can, however, share a few things with you about my upcoming rule, so that, come the time, you might be less inclined to resist.

The way I see it, the big problems facing mankind today fall within the realms of Politics, Religion, War, Poverty, and the Environment. Here’s a taste of how I’d address each of these major concerns:

Politics I’ll be ruler of the world. Voila! No politics! From the minute my rule is instated, all politians will be forced to get real jobs. Because I’ll be putting an end to all advertising, public relations, and marketing jobs, polititians will be qualified for exactly nothing. Luckily for them, though, part of my plan for the environment involves the widespread use of rickshaws. Thus will politicians be able to do literally what they’ve always done figuratively: take people for a ride.

Religion Everyone will have to be a Christian. I respect all religions, but ensuring world harmony means having only one. Since Christianity is my religion, it’ll soon be everyone’s. Why not? It’s got mysticism for the New Agers, One Supreme God for the Muslims and Jews, a sound and aesthetic philosophy for the Buddhists, a rational underpinning for the atheists. It’s perfect. Besides, what people hate most about Christianity is the way that Christians are always trying to turn everyone who’s not a Christian into a Christian. If everyone already was a Christian, that problem would be solved.

War Have you ever noticed that in wars you never see any soldiers fighting who are rich and fat? My plan to eliminate all war is to give everyone in the world so much money and food that no one will ever be angry enough about anything to put down their food, get out of their chair, turn off their TV, get dressed, and go fight. Poor, hungry people fight. Rich, fat people yell at each other, but they’re not about to do mud and foxholes. And it’s extremely difficult to get rich fat people to follow orders. War problem solved.

Poverty Within hours of my being named king, everyone will be making exactly $200,000 year. Farmers, captains of industry, petty officers of industry, nurses, drug dealers, cops, teachers, Taiwanese mechanics, Finnish computer hackers: everyone in the world gets paid 200K a year. No more, no less. End of poverty.

Environment Eliminating all politics and advertising will so radically reduce the release of gaseous hot air emissions into the environment that it will probably solve global warming. If not, I will make it mandatory that instead of cars everyone drive one of those cool little air vehicles from The Jestons. That should work.

Well, as you can see, my being Supreme Ruler of the Universe is going to be the greatest things that’s ever happened. Please be sure to keep an eye out for my mailer or email. Be sure, when given the option (and while you still have the option) to check the “Yes” box.

If you have any suggestions for policies or rules I might adopt as King of the Known World, please don’t hesitate to share them with me. And if you think you’re qualified to serve as one of my ministers or cabinet members, I’m certainly open to considering all qualified applicants.

Okay, that’s it for now! You’ll be hearing from me!

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