Ahh, Monday Morning. The sun is rising, the birds are singing–and I’m bitterly angry at Adam, Mr. Former Mud, who said, “Oh, sure, I’ll take a bite of this exact fruit God commanded me not to eat. I’m sure that when he said, ‘Never, ever eat the fruit off this tree,’ what God really meant was, ‘Never, ever eat too much of the fruit off this tree.’ So yeah, I’ll take a bite! Give it here! What could it hurt?”
What could it hurt. Moron!
I wish we were descended from apes. Even an ape wouldn’t have been that stupid. You can train an ape. But the first man? Not so much.
And because, lo those many years ago, Adam wouldn’t listen to God, today I have to listen to my alarm clock. When, like hard-hatted rats attacking my spine with a jackhammer, my alarm clock shrilly bleats at me to get out of bed, it’s only a matter of time before I’m basically forced to think about whatever infernal work I’m going to have to do that day.
Work! The very word is a cuss word to me! How utterly I loathe it! I am decidedly anti-labor. If I were British, I would vote for the Labor Party—then ditch the “Labor” part. I support the Labor Unions—minus the labor part. If I were a doctor, and a woman said she was going into labor, I’d run.
Actual Effort and enjoying my life go together like lowfat soy milk and Cocoa Pebbles. Forget it. And it’s not like I haven’t tried to combine work with having an enjoyable life, either. I have. I know that that the key to a happy life is getting paid to do what you love. Well, what I love to do is lie on my couch and watch Seinfeld, The Office, The Simpsons, and old Jerry Lewis movies. But do you think anyone has the decency to pay me for doing that? Well, think again, Uncle Bucko. You wouldn’t believe all the times I’ve screamed at some neighbor passing by outside my house, “Hey! I’m doing what I love! Fork over some money!” But do they ever stop and pony up? No.
Losers.
Thus have I been forced to learn, yet again, that the proverbial ”they”—whoever “they” even are—are evil liars.
That stupid Adam! Why did he have to eat that apple? And we don’t even know if it was an apple. All we know is it was some kind of produce. Produce! My life has been ruined because Adam couldn’t resist gnawing on some produce!
You know, if the Bible said, “And so did God commandeth unto Adam, ‘Do not ye eat of the fruit of this tree, which produceth the corndog,’” I could maybe understand what happened. I’d eat an aardvark snout if it came deep fried on a stick. But I have to get off my couch for produce?
It’s just too wrong to contemplate.
![John Shore on The Huffington Post](http://johnshore.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/huffpost.jpg?w=120 "John Shore on The Huffington Post\")
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Like to watch Stargate Atlantis episodes and also Lost. I found your blog on google and read a few of your other posts. I just added you to my Google News Reader. Look forward to reading more from you in the future.
I think you are looking at this wrong. Eve is the hero. Without Eve eating the apple and giving us freedom, we would all be bored stiff, being a yes man and no privacy. I love this life and love being separated from God. In a good way. I don’t want my Dad watching me 24/7.
Eve is the true hero of the Bible. The liberator.
And you can’t really blame her anyways. I mean how is a pathetic human, who does not even know the difference between good and evil (she hasn’t eaten the apple yet) supposed to defend herself against the Prince of Darkness, God’s GREATEST creation?
Makes you wonder what the hell God was doing allowing Satan in the garden to begin with. Would you allow a pedophile in you backyard to play with your child in the sandbox? I think not.
tsk tsk guys. and to think that all of this is because of a fruit. see? this is why little kids shouldnt eat fruits and vegetables. Btw- who is this god person? and can he comment more often? I think he was the only one who made any sense at all. lol
Have you seen "Into the Wild"? There is a part of that movie that reminds me of this post. The kid is hitchiking and lives off of what he can find. Well in one scene he must be pretty famished because he has found an apple and is sitting down to enjoy it and starts talking to it, like, "Oh man, you're REALLY good. I mean, REALLY REALLY good! You are the apple of my eye!!!"
It's a good movie.
"We share a common ancestor WITH modern apes, the same way you share ancestors with your cousins, rather than being descended from your cousins…
…We are storytelling animals, and we want to be part of a narrative." – Ross
Terry Pratchett, the English author, says that assuming we are descended from early apes, we would be better described as "Pan Narrans" (Story-telling ape) rather than "Homo Sapiens" (Intelligent human). This is especially true when you consider some of the monumentally dumb things humans have done through history.
Just a technical note for clarification… we are not descended FROM modern apes. We share a common ancestor WITH modern apes, the same way you share ancestors with your cousins, rather than being descended from your cousins. As to whether our shared common ancestors would be classified as apes, well, that’s simply a taxonomy question. The various species, genera, families, and other categories we place animals in are convenient groupings that help us organize, but do not capture the continuum of evolution. If you held your mother’s hand, and she held mother’s, and so on for about 300,000 generations back (approximately the time we split from chimps and bonobos), you’d have a chain about 216 miles long, and the individual at the other end would not be called human. However, you would never identify two individuals along the chain for whom you could say that one was human and the next was not.
It’s well enough to find inspiration from ancient tales like those in Genesis, and apply the insights of their authors and their times to our lives, but I’d recommend making that endeavor part of a fuller and more robust outlook. We are storytelling animals, and we want to be part of a narrative. What better narrative is there than the one that shows us where we REALLY came from, and demonstrates that we are cousins with all life? It is not merely a beautiful, humbling and awe-inspiring story, but one that is demonstrably true. Have a great day, everyone!
I’m not certain but that was so baaaaaaaaaad I think I actually experienced physical pain as a result. Leave it to you to stirrup trouble and steer away from the topic at hand which seems to hap-pun alot around here. Do you think the reason could be as simple as we’re all just drinking too much calf-feine?
This is an interesting & humorous article that you've composed, and I can definitely relate. But Adam had a job from the beginning that was tied into God's very purpose for having created him.
Refer to Genesis 2 (NIV translation) and you see that Adam was a worker from the beginning, although having the ground cursed to yield thorns and struggling to produce a crop certainly didn't help.
4 This is the account of the heavens and the earth when they were created.
When the LORD God made the earth and the heavens- 5 and no shrub of the field had yet appeared on the earth [b] and no plant of the field had yet sprung up, for the LORD God had not sent rain on the earth [c] and there was no man to work the ground,
15 The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.
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