Ahh, Monday Morning. The sun is rising, the birds are singing–and I’m bitterly angry at Adam, Mr. Former Mud, who said, “Oh, sure, I’ll take a bite of this exact fruit God commanded me not to eat. I’m sure that when he said, ‘Never, ever eat the fruit off this tree,’ what God really meant was, ‘Never, ever eat too much of the fruit off this tree.’ So yeah, I’ll take a bite! Give it here! What could it hurt?”
What could it hurt. Moron!
I wish we were descended from apes. Even an ape wouldn’t have been that stupid. You can train an ape. But the first man? Not so much.
And because, lo those many years ago, Adam wouldn’t listen to God, today I have to listen to my alarm clock. When, like hard-hatted rats attacking my spine with a jackhammer, my alarm clock shrilly bleats at me to get out of bed, it’s only a matter of time before I’m basically forced to think about whatever infernal work I’m going to have to do that day.
Work! The very word is a cuss word to me! How utterly I loathe it! I am decidedly anti-labor. If I were British, I would vote for the Labor Party—then ditch the “Labor” part. I support the Labor Unions—minus the labor part. If I were a doctor, and a woman said she was going into labor, I’d run.
Actual Effort and enjoying my life go together like lowfat soy milk and Cocoa Pebbles. Forget it. And it’s not like I haven’t tried to combine work with having an enjoyable life, either. I have. I know that that the key to a happy life is getting paid to do what you love. Well, what I love to do is lie on my couch and watch Seinfeld, The Office, The Simpsons, and old Jerry Lewis movies. But do you think anyone has the decency to pay me for doing that? Well, think again, Uncle Bucko. You wouldn’t believe all the times I’ve screamed at some neighbor passing by outside my house, “Hey! I’m doing what I love! Fork over some money!” But do they ever stop and pony up? No.
Losers.
Thus have I been forced to learn, yet again, that the proverbial ”they”—whoever “they” even are—are evil liars.
That stupid Adam! Why did he have to eat that apple? And we don’t even know if it was an apple. All we know is it was some kind of produce. Produce! My life has been ruined because Adam couldn’t resist gnawing on some produce!
You know, if the Bible said, “And so did God commandeth unto Adam, ‘Do not ye eat of the fruit of this tree, which produceth the corndog,’” I could maybe understand what happened. I’d eat an aardvark snout if it came deep fried on a stick. But I have to get off my couch for produce?
It’s just too wrong to contemplate.
![John Shore on The Huffington Post](http://johnshore.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/huffpost.jpg?w=120 "John Shore on The Huffington Post\")
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Ric,
That would be "ewe."
But seriously, I had to leave this blog party. I'm approaching pun saturation. Mind has gone blank and I can't bare any more pirate or animal jokes.
-Sam
"Too much calf-feine?"
No whey you just said that! If ever there was a bad-pun spreader, that you b-eue.
(dang … how to spell eue… )
I think wee herd that the first time. Or are we no longer on the fAAARRRm?
Man I suck at this. Sam, jump in anytime.
A friend of mine now has a T-Shirt that reads:
"Incorrigible punster -
please do not incorrige!"
Perhaps that should be mandatory garb around this blog…
Wow. That WAS impressive.
Okay, pirate talk's okay. I do love me some pirates. And I HAVE happily gone on Pirates of the Caribbean so often I know exactly when the dog with the keys is going to blink. And he STILL looks real!
It's just puns. I have PUN issues.
No. WRONG. NOT talk like a pirate day is from 9:27 p.m. Pacific Coast Time on Tuesday, April 29, 2008 until I say so. Starting … NOW!
Sam, it appears you made a typo since I assume you actually meant to ask “When is it not “Talk like a Pirate Day?”.
That would be July 13 between the hours of 9:00 a.m. and 3:00 p.m.
September 19
still got awhile to go
Anita,
Remind me again – when is “Talk like a Pirate Day?”
-Sam
Yes, they are: And I blame YOU, Anita. “Egg-sessive.” “Past-your-eyes.” Was that necessary? Did you really have to do that? Don’t you have important things you’re supposed to be doing, ministries you’re carrying out, and so on?
But no. Instead you thought it would be fun to come over here and play “Spleen Acres” on my blog. And you see where that’s gotten us.
Bligh? No. Captain Sigh, am I.
For some reason I have an odd craving to watch Mutiny on the Bounty but I can’t imagine why. Can you Capt’n Bligh?
…uh…I mean John.
There seems no doubt, the animals are in charge of the zoo.
Blimey! It appears a certain someone has some control issues on the poop deck. Well sink me, me hearties, the Cap'n is thinkin' it's a cat o' nine tails and a dip in the briny deep to feed the fish for all ye mutinous swabs, when what the cap'n really needs is to go splice the mainbrace whilst the sea dogs have their day.
Funny but every time my beloved and I eat an orange one of us is always bound to say, "Aye, got to take care not to get the scurvy." It must have been one too many rides through Pirates of the Caribbean.
I hate you.
Laura,
Someone’s going to go for it, so hoping the early bird gets the worm I’ll join the barnyard fun and start the name calling.
“This is too much… I need to start walking on eggshells around you people”
Would that make you chicken?
Ric, Anita, your cunning punning makes me exclaim “I’m not worthy” and cow-er before you.
-Sam
When is a pirate like a bird?
When he's a-robbin'!
What is a pirate's favorite sport?
NascARRRRRRR!
Why didn't the pirate want to go ashore?
It was too fARRRRRRRR!
My coworkers and I have random joke contests. Such we start work at 6:30am, it gets pretty crazy
Cheat notes available at http://www.piratejokes.net.
I LOVE the internet.
The favorite rock star of pirates?
Mick JaggARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
The favorite burger of pirates?
Burger King's WhoppARRRRRRRRRRRRR!
The favorite table game of pirates?
CaRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRds
I work with preschoolers.
Now that's a crowd that appreciates my humor.
Apparently the captain's gone ashore seeking a nice dream.
Why did the pirate keep the little boy from going to a movie?
Because it was rated "Argghhh."
Yeah, my kids watch "Spongebob" too.
Such Nautical Nonsense.
-Sam
Why couldn't the pirates play cards?
Because the captain was standing on the deck!
I know tons of pirate jokes.
John, why do we need to talk? It sounds like your feathers are all ruffled, so you should probably calm down first.
I was not going to join in all the punny business but since we started with the farm theme and no seem to be on the pirate theme I couldn't resist!
How much did the pirate charge for corn? A buck and ear
Sorry so sorry I just couldn't resist!
And free ice cream?!?! SSSShsssshh don't tell my kids!
A Ben and Jerry's Free Ice Cream Day? Oh. That's nice. But then I had a Baskin-Robbins Free Ice Cream Life my entire childhood. Any time. All the time. Fresh out of the ginormous mixers at the family farm. Yes. True. This is me gloating. I know it's not pretty but it sure is fun
:::slapping my head::: Oh. My apologies. Ignore the above comment. I just remembered Captn' "Torch Boy" Smartypants chastised me publicly for my part in the John Shore blog uprising by suggesting there's something more important I should be doing.
But what could that be unless….oh, that's right! http://www.ricbooth.wordpress.com
and
http://www.samwrites2.wordpress.com
I'm off!
::::rubbing my hands together while cackling with glee:::
Free poison. Be still my faint heart.
John,
I kid you not. www. benjerry . com.
Good things come to those that wait.
Thought surely you would know about this.
-Sam
OK, wait wait wait. It's BEN AND JERRY'S FREE ICE CREAM DAY???
1. Are you kidding me with this?
2. Why are you telling me this at the END OF THE DAY??
3. ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS???
Captain Sigh,
And to think I skipped free Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream for all this pun. Ya'll do know it Ben and Jerry's free Ice Cream day?
More dairy – but let's not go down THAT Rocky Road.
And I know you didn't just go Seuss on us. I'll counter-Seuss if you're not careful.
-Sam I am
Ric! Another insufferable punster! Guilty! To the plank with you!
Of course, you HAVE here, steered us away from … THAT stuff. So you get a point for that.
I'll let you back in.
But Anita, Sam, Laura, and any of you other Word Nerds out there? You people and I need to talk.
Y'all are carryin' on like a bunch o' chickens with yer heads cut off!
My dad used to say that.
It was kinda traumatic the day I figured out what he meant.
Okay John, you win. You're the first to cry "Fowl!"
I feel like the fox that got into the henhouse for causing all this mischief!
Okay, stop. STOP!
Really. How do you guys peep at night?
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