Adam: I sure wish we hadn’t eaten that apple. That was dumb.
Eve: Really? Ya’ think?
Adam: Where are we?
Eve: I dunno. I know where we’re NOT.
[both together, dreamily]: Paradise.
Adam: Paradise! I miss it! I want back there so bad!
Eve: Me, too. Maybe if we begged him to let us back in.
Adam: I don’t know, man. Even though I’m new at … well, being alive, I guess, I HATE begging. Something about it.
Eve: Really? I’ve seen you beg. You’re quite good at it.
Adam [blushing]: Well, that was different.
Eve: Sure was for me.
Adam: Let’s do it again.
Eve: Will you stop? We’ve got real problems here.
Adam: I know. But what can we do?
Eve: Well, maybe if we just asked him to let us back in.
Adam: I don’t think it would work. That was one angry control freak.
Eve: Don’t say that! You know he’s still watching us.
Adam: I don’t care. What’s he going to do to us? Banish us some MORE?
Eve: He still loves us.
Adam: Maybe.
Eve: I think maybe if we just asked him …
Adam: I don’t. He was seriously ticked.
Eve: He really was. I was, like, ”Have a COW about it, why don’t ya’?”
Adam: I know. I LOVED it when you said that!
Eve: He didn’t.
Adam: He has no sense of humor.
Eve: No kidding. Look at this place. What IS this stuff?
Adam: Who knows? We can call it anything. It’s not like HE’S already got a name for it. I had to name everything! I can’t believe I spent all that time coming up with names like ”aardvark,” and ”koala.” And now all those guys are in there, and we’re stuck out HERE.
Eve: That koala is so cute.
Adam: He so totally is. Except for his claws are like … like … what’s the big nose part of that one crazy looking bird? The big black one, with the colorful … nose thing?
Eve: Oh, right! The … toucan!
Adam: Yeah, the toucan. The koala had claws as big as the toucan’s nose thing.
Eve: “Toucan.” What a great word. You’re a genius.
Adam: Thanks. You’d think he’d appreciate it just a LITTLE, wouldn’t you?
Eve: I’m sure he does.
Adam: Really? You think this shows a lot of appreciation? I’m glad he’s not MORE appreciative of us. Who knows what he would have done to us then? Put us on the … what’s that thing called again?
Eve: The moon?
Adam: The moon. He would have put us on the MOON.
Eve: Hey, I just had a thought. I think we should call this stuff “sand.”
Adam: Oh, that is good. I love it. That’s just what this stuff is. Sssslips in, goes irritating on you, and then stays. “Saaaannnd.” Perfect. Good job. It is kind of fun naming stuff, isn’t it?
Eve: It is.
Adam: Well, I hope you enjoyed naming this stuff. Because there’s nothing else out here TO name.
Eve: Hey, do you feel guilty?
Adam: You mean that feeling we had right after we ate the apple? When we were hiding from him? You mean do I still feel that way?
Eve: Yeah. Do you?
Adam: I dunno. A little. It’s hard to feel TOO guilty, given what I think it’s safe to call his slight overreaction.
Eve: Well, he DID say we’d die if we ate from that tree. At least he didn’t kill us.
Adam: Don’t be so sure. Maybe we ARE dead. I mean, look at this place! It’s nothing but … that one new word.
Eve: Sand.
Adam: Sand. It’s nothing but sand. That’s ALL we’ve got! So, I don’t know. I did feel a little guilty. A lot, even. But now, really, I’m just angry. This isn’t fair.
Eve: It does seem a tad harsh. But …
Adam: It was that snake! That stupid SNAKE! I’d like to wring that snake’s neck, if it had one.
Eve: That was my fault. I listened to him.
Adam: Of course you did! Who wouldn’t listen to a talking SNAKE!? I’d probably chew off my FOOT if a talking snake told me to. It’s like, “Whoa! Talking animal! All bets are off now!”
Eve: Still. I should have ignored him.
Adam: Hello? Talking snake! Not exactly easy to ignore.
Eve: He was one smooth talker, I’ll give him that.
Adam: Well, you can’t mate with a snake. So stop right there.
Eve: What are you talking about?
Adam: Oh, please. You were obviously taken with him.
Eve: I was not.
Adam: You were too.
Eve: I was NOT.
Adam: Well, you did what he said, didn’t you? There had to be SOMETHING going on there.
Eve: There WASN’T!
Adam: Then why did you do what he said?
Eve [crying]: I don’t know! I don’t know why I did it! It didn’t have anything to do with him, or what he said. I just … I don’t know! I don’t KNOW why I did it! But I did! I did it! I ate from the forbidden tree! I don’t know why! And now we’re ruined!
Adam [putting his arm around her]: I know why you did it. You did it for the exact same reason I would have done it. We were going to eat from that tree no matter what. We didn’t need a tricky snake to encourage us to do it. You can’t tell people that they can do everything but this ONE special thing — and then expect them not to go crazy until they do that one special thing. It’s not … natural.
Eve: We could have ignored it.
Adam: The snake?
Eve: The tree.
Adam: I couldn’t have. I was probably going to eat from it that day anyway. It was driving me crazy. I used to lay awake at night THINKING about that tree. I almost DID eat from it a couple of times. I’m telling you: I was gonna do it.
Eve: You’re so sweet for saying that.
Adam: I’m not being sweet. I’m telling you. I HATE being told what I can and can’t do. As soon as he told us we couldn’t eat from that tree, that’s the tree I wanted to eat from.
Eve: I know. Me too. And now look at us.
Adam: At least we’re still together.
Eve: Yeah. SEPARATING us would have been unbearable.
Adam: We’ll make it through this. We’ll survive.
Eve: I know. As long as I’m with you, I’m still in paradise.
Adam: And we’ll get there again. We messed up, sure. But sooner or later, he’ll forgive us. I know he will.
Related post o’ mine: An Imaginary Conversation Between Joseph and Mary at the Inn
If you like my work, subscribe to my rss feed and/or join my Facebook group. Thanks a lot.
Posted by Morse on April 30, 2008 at 7:34 am
“You can’t tell people that they can do everything but this ONE special thing — and then expect them not to go crazy until they do that one special thing. It’s not … natural.”
Well, that…and the fact that we didn’t know it was wrong until AFTER we ate the fruit. Kind of a bummer there.
“Eve: I think maybe if we just asked him …
Adam: I don’t. He was seriously ticked.
Eve: He really was. I was, like, ”Have a COW about it, why don’t ya’?”
Adam: I know. I LOVED it when you said that!
Eve: He didn’t.”
Brilliant! Publish this. Now!
Posted by John Shore on April 30, 2008 at 7:37 am
Thanks! Well … I guess I DID just publish it. Kind of. Anyway, thanks very much.
Posted by Morse on April 30, 2008 at 7:43 am
More important, let ME play Yahweh.
Posted by John Shore on April 30, 2008 at 7:51 am
See, that’s the problem with you atheists: Always wanting to BE God.
Okay, let’s just stop this strain o’ chatting right here.
Actually, I’m just NOW hammering out the formatting of a play script I JUST finished in which God actually IS a real, speaking part. Here, for this mini-play above, of course all your scenes would be … off stage. And imaginary. HERE, I’m afraid, you’d be stuck playing Adam. Or an Eve in drag. But let’s stick with Adam.
Posted by Morse on April 30, 2008 at 9:03 am
I don’t look good wearing just a fig leaf.
You could always rewrite it for Adam and Steve, as well.
If you haven’t read it, do yourself a favor and read the play “J.B.” by Archibald MacLeish. It’s a retelling of the Job story with a play within a play, having two circus workers as God and Satan. I’ve done scenes playing the God character and it’s very well written. Think you’d like it.
Posted by samwrites2 on April 30, 2008 at 9:07 am
John,
The serious comment/questions first – where do we find a good visual description of the paradise Adam helped us lose? How do we know what we’re missing other than by experiencing what obviously isn’t paradise? Should this life with disease, natural disasters and interaction with others who are fallen and can’t get back up to paradise make us appreciate God’s paradise more?
Wish Adam would have taken photos so we had some type of image to grasp. Paradise seems so hard to imagine other than to know what it is not.
Not so seriously – does Adam sing:
“Don’t it always seem to go
That you don’t know what you’ve got
‘Til it’s gone
God saved paradise
And put us on the parking lot.”
-Sam
Posted by anita on April 30, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Morse, MacLeish’s J.B. is excellent! I read it while in seminary and the dialogue is so great at times I couldn’t resist reading it out loud.
You really just can’t let go of the farm theme can you John? Come on Buddy, moooooove on. Great writing by the way.
Posted by Laura on April 30, 2008 at 12:43 pm
I kinda felt like John was moving more towards the pirate theme, hence the numerous mentions of sand and toucans….
Posted by Anna on April 30, 2008 at 4:34 pm
I loved this so much. It’s so typical. I bet they did have a similar conversation. omg
Posted by Shona on April 30, 2008 at 5:51 pm
Ha, that’s brilliant. Though… what’s the moral of the story?
I’m surprised there wasn’t more “It’s all your fault!” “No, it was your fault!” business. Loved the dreamy ‘Paradise’ bit.
Posted by Lucas on April 30, 2008 at 8:07 pm
Well done sir. When’s the theatrical adaptation?
Posted by Ingrid on May 1, 2008 at 4:47 am
Well John… You’ve done it again! I LOVED this and I would go see any play where you are the playwright. If wicked could make it to Broadway i am positive there is a place on stage for your work!
Posted by Greta on May 1, 2008 at 5:26 am
Ditto to the Playwright thing! Are you hiding your passion for playwrighting under the bushel of procrastination? You appeal to the senses. For those of us who cut our theological teeth on 3rd century vocabulary, you are slightly irreverent as ‘they’ would say. But, along with that tintillating ‘edge’ you manage to return to a sense of reverent balance. It’s that edge of irreverence…for want of a better word….. that I like. It doesn’t threaten my faith because I truly believe God laughs at us more than He smacks us. Go for it, John!
Posted by John Shore on May 1, 2008 at 5:40 am
You guys are very kind; thanks. (Hey, Lucas!) Thanks for the encouraging words, Ingrid; deeply appreciated. And Greta: actually, I’m NOT procrastinating over my passion for play writing. I HAVE finished a three-act play. My problem, which is becoming so real it’s actually starting to freak me out a little–is that for the life of me I can’t figure out how to FORMAT the stupid thing. Play scripts have real specific formats, involving all kinds of tabs and styles and formats and … stuff I just cannot seem to figure out.
Anyway. FRUSTRATING!! So. Appreciate, a LOT, your loving support–as I do from all you guys. Fantastically encouraging; makes a big difference. BUT APPARENTLY I’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO ACTUALLY SUBMIT MY PLAY TO ANYONE SINCE I FORGOT TO GET THAT ADVANCED DEGREE IN THE INTRICACIES OF MICROSOFT WORD!!!
Posted by Ingrid on May 1, 2008 at 6:12 am
Now You sound like my office manager (who loved Corel Word Perfect and refuses to have her office computer updated to remove the program).
Advanced Degree in Microsoft word HA! I tell you that one caused a chuckle in my office. If only you know the amount of people who stand with you in your disdain for Microsoft Office products. *SIGH*
Posted by samwrites2 on May 1, 2008 at 6:26 am
John,
I’ll consult with my estranged wife to see if she can help with the Word formatting thing. She’s the expert.
There’s also some other software out there that formats plays and scripts for you – don’t remember what it is but have it at home (Most of the time my comments come from the library or from work – between calls at the call center).
That is, if you want our help. Pretty generous offer if you ask me since you’re now contributing to tensions in the two households. My wife said she wants me to write more like you.
You and I both know that’s not ever going to happen – you are the better writer and Jesus’s friend. You prove it consistently with your blog, books and I’ll wager your play.
I’m still a mere acquaintance with both of you trying to catch up, like the pesky kid yelling “Hey guys! Wait up!” while tagging along behind his big brother and friend.
-Sam
Posted by mhogue on May 1, 2008 at 9:32 am
I’ve never read something that brilliant. Well done. I don’t think it would make a very good play, though.
Posted by John Shore on May 1, 2008 at 9:45 am
No? Why not? (Thanks for “brilliant” comment, by the way.)
Posted by Laura on May 1, 2008 at 11:49 am
I think it would make a spectacular play! More people need to be exposed to the thought that the people in the Bible actually lived and had conversations, and were hungry, and angry sometimes, and generally human beings just like us.
Posted by samwrites2 on May 1, 2008 at 12:47 pm
John,
Agree with Laura.
And before I get in more trouble with you like the free ice cream day incident wanted you and others to know about free comic book day Saturday, May 3. This lady’s site http://supernovamom.wordpress.com/2008/05/01/holy-freebies-batman/ although aimed at Northern Virginia residents has a link to a site to find participating comic book stores near you.
Her blog is the most useful blog I’ve found.
You still have the most entertaining one.
-Sam
Posted by Greta on May 1, 2008 at 1:06 pm
John, you live near Hollywood! You mean to say you can’t find the help you need to format a Stage Play? Or find a Program that will format for you? I don’t know a whole bunch about doing it…..but surely Microsft Word isn’t the only source of help?
Maybe do what Eve did…..dare I say it?…..try an Apple? Pardon the pun! The world awaits your genius humour.
Posted by John Shore on May 1, 2008 at 3:55 pm
“Try an Apple.” FUNNY, GRETA!!
It’s wrong to make fun of your fellow believer’s technical incompetence, but I’m sure God will forgive you. I, however, will be traveling to Canada just to hunt you down and make rude noises as I walk behind you.
I HAVE had some formatting luck today. I found a templated play script page in Word. ALL THE TABS WERE EMBEDDED WHERE I NEEDED THEM TO BE. Then I took my whole play, put it into Notebook, then cut and pasted it again onto this template page.
K, this is boring even me. The point is, there’s Actual Hope.
Anyhoo…I’m kinda bummed not more people read this Adam and Eve bit–though I LOVED the comments by those who left them. But I thought the piece would be a bit of a bigger hit–or just read more, really. But whaddaya gonna do? That happens. Sometimes I put up pieces that I think are really quite entirely credible, and not too many people read them. Other times I basically throw something up there, and it kind of explodes.
This piece, for instance was, I thought, was pretty much Le Bomb Total:
http://johnshoreland.com/2008/04/22/how-to-be-a-veritable-factory-of-creative-writing-ideas/
But it really didn’t get too many views! Of course, I think it’s the longest piece I’ve ever posted. So that makes sense.
I have no idea why I’m sharing this whomever might read it, way down here. Putting off making dinner, mainly. Which I really should do. I don’t know how much longer I can expect my wife to smile when I serve her another bowl of Potato Flakes mixed with hot tap water.
LOVE TO YOU ALL!
Posted by FreetoBe on May 2, 2008 at 5:30 am
I thought the play was brilliant. Glad you figured out how to format! I’d love to see it on stage, but being an Okie, we don’t get too many cultural events out here, except maybe OKLAHOMA! shown for the 80 thousandth time. Anyway, best thoughts & prayers sent your way.
Posted by John Shore on May 2, 2008 at 5:34 am
Wow. What a lovely sentiment. Thank you! (Funny about how they keep playing OKLAHOMA! I think they tried to produce a similar show called SAN DIEGO! but everyone kept getting too stoned to show up for rehersals.)
Posted by snowhite197 on May 2, 2008 at 8:42 am
I know who you remind me of now! Dean Koontz!
Posted by mhogue on May 3, 2008 at 5:50 pm
John,
I don’t really have a good reason. The only thing that comes to mind is that it would have a very small cast and I might get bored.
Mainly, I’m practicing disagreeing with someone and actually telling them so, and not being afraid of how they will respond. It’s good for my self esteem.
Posted by mhogue on May 5, 2008 at 4:58 am
Oh, and it wasn’t an apple.
Posted by John Shore on May 5, 2008 at 6:53 am
You’re right: It wasn’t an apple. I believe that recent archeological evidence has uncovered the incontrovertible fact that the fruit that tempted Adam and Eve was, in fact, a watermelon.
Posted by Latoya on November 7, 2008 at 1:06 pm
this was mad crazy, i amost vomitted laughter (that sounds gross doesnt it? oh well)
Posted by Brenda on March 1, 2009 at 2:28 pm
John, you are really a crazy, off the wall guy! Truely, I find myself laughing out loud at you. And yet, I am struggling a little with some of the stuff you come up with. I have experience in several denominations–Lutheran, Nazarine, Brethren, Assemby of God, along with a brief stint in a charismatic home church. All of these groups would react with horror at much of what I am hearing from you. I like the idea of a “real life” version of what Bible characters actually said and did.
And I do know God has a sense of humor (I could tell you about the incredibly rude Christian who was flouncing around my kitchen one day and flopped down on the chair with the wobbly leg. That was the end of my chair and her dignity–I probably shouldn’t blame that on God, but I do think He did it!).
My question here is, where does the line fall between humor and disrespect? I’m not saying you are disrespectful. I am drawn to your crazy “take” on things, but it is certainly different than what I’m used to. I believe in the holiness of God, and that He is completely awesome to the point that the Bible says we can’t even see Him and live. His presence caused smoke and fire, and for buildings to tremble. Prophets fell down when God only spoke to them, and/or were sick for days. I personally don’t want to be disrespectful to Him, and yet I think He does want us to enjoy our lives and laugh and have fun. I just want to make sure I understand His brand of humor and get in line with that.
Maybe I haven’t read your serious stuff—or is your humor your serious stuff?
I admit I have not read everything about you on your website (sorry) so the answer may be in there—I seriously would like to know myself where the “line” is.
Your perspective would be appreciated(and you don’t have to be 100% serious).
Posted by John Shore on March 1, 2009 at 2:40 pm
Brenda: You might want to see a two-part interview I recently did about Christians and humor:
http://johnshore.com/2009/01/14/the-christian-world-view-and-humor-like-a-balloon-and-a-needle/
http://johnshore.com/2009/01/15/every-time-a-bell-laughs-an-angel-gets-confused/
And do believe that if you read more of my stuff, you’ll see that I’m just as reverent towards God as I can be.
Here are a few random examples:
http://johnshore.com/2007/07/26/when-god-makes-2-2-5/
http://johnshore.com/2007/07/23/the-comfort-of-the-cross/
http://johnshore.com/2008/02/08/god-is-love-christ-is-pain/
Posted by Brenda on March 1, 2009 at 5:30 pm
Thank you. I did read everything you mentioned, and I see that you are very reverent and serious, as well as hilarious—often at the same time.
I think you know, but also think I need to say it, that my intent would never be to offend. I know I sound pretty cautious. (I’m used to Christians who don’t joke about themselves or their faith. I think I’m funny once in awhile, but they don’t like my humor, since I like to make jokes about people taking themselves too seriously.) I’m trying to figure things out for myself, not make a judgment for or about anyone else.
So, as I have a lot to learn, I will keep reading your blog. It is very interesting. It is refreshing—even if I don’t completely understand…………..
Posted by John Shore on March 1, 2009 at 5:53 pm
No, no worries: I took no offense whatsoever. It’s nice for me that you care one way or another what I think at all, about anything. So … thanks!