I believe the number one reason people are unhappy in life is because they refuse to believe that when they were kids their parents either didn’t love them, or loved them in a way that was so deeply tweaked it amounted to the same thing as not loving them.
It’s also my belief that the reason people refuse to accept the truth that when they were kids their parents treated them awfully is grounded in the fact that as very young children they instinctively grasped how terribly vulnerable their parents not loving them made them.
We spend the first years of our lives utterly dependent upon our parents for virtually everything we need to survive. If they don’t choose to give us what we need, we perish. I think that’s a basic fact of life that all humans understand pretty early into the big game o’ life.
And so children born to crappy parents do virtually the only thing they can do, which is to immediately, absolutely and without question convince themselves that, despite all the evidence to the contrary, their parents really are good, caring people who really do love them.
Having parents who really do love you = an outstanding chance of you surviving.
Having parents who obviously don’t love you = you probably won’t make it.
That’s not much of a choice, is it? And so most (and I would even argue all) children “decide” that, come hell or high water, their parents, no matter how much information they’re getting to the contrary, really do love them. In the choice between what is true, and what needs to be true, what needs to be true inevitably wins.
And so children born into unhappy families begin to build their lives upon a lie.
And as surely as one day follows the next, children who are forced to build their lives upon a truth they can’t possibly face turn into adults whose lives are built upon a truth they can’t possibly face. And so as adults people who had unhappy childhoods continue their suffering: they’re angry; they’re forever imagining themselves victims; they’re easily upset; their relationships don’t work. In short, they have no idea who they are. They don’t know who they are, because the core truth of who they are was lost in the lie they had to live — which is to say, very often, in the person they were essentially forced to become — in order to as effectively as possible deal with the threatening dynamics of their dysfunctional family life.
Adults who are lost and unhappy in life have a simple, terrible choice to make. They must either accept the fact that their parents didn’t love them — which is tantamount to utterly and completely rejecting their parents — or they must continue to live lost and unhappy lives.
They either toss their parents off their shoulders, or they continue to sink with their parents strapped to their back. That’s the choice waiting to be made by every adult who was raised in a psychologically unhealthy family.
And what people almost always choose is continuing to go down with their parents strapped to their back. And they make that “choice” for a perfectly understandable reason: it’s still in their mind — it’s still in their heart; it still defines the psychological paradigm of the only life they’ve ever known — that rejecting their parents means they themselves must be rejected. They’re continuing to operate within the context of their initial, original paradigm — and all too dearly paying the price for it.
If you are unhappy in life — if no matter what you do, say, think, or believe, you’re still dogged by this feeling that something fundamental just isn’t right with you or your life — then do yourself a favor, and give some thought to the idea that you have or had Genuinely Lousy parents. That maybe it’s not you. That maybe it’s them. That maybe it’s always been them.
That maybe the reason you’re so burdened is that you’re carrying around weight that doesn’t, or shouldn’t, belong to you.
If you’re regularly dogged by a sense of unhappiness or anxiety, just try on the thought that your parents were awful, that they were in no way emotionally or psychologically prepared to have children.
Go ahead. Give it a shot. In the privacy of your own mind, really reject your parents. Scream at them. Blame them. See them for the sorry, ill-equipped losers they were.
Banish them from your heart.
Walk away from them.
Let ‘em die.
It won’t kill you. I promise.
As the one and only Jesus put it, “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
***************************************************************************************************************
Fan me, baby
Posted by Lindsey on May 20, 2008 at 5:23 am
Here’s something else to add: That by rejecting the failings of your earthly father, you no longer have to reconcile the reality of “bad earthly dad” with “good Heavenly Dad”! It’s hard for people to accept the father-love of God when you think of father-love as distance or cruelty or detached from your own needs. Once you realize that true father-love (or even mother-love) has nothing to do with what you experienced in your childhood, you can achieve a much greater intimacy with God.
Posted by John Shore on May 20, 2008 at 5:26 am
Yeah, that’s so perfectly true. And very well said. That’s it, exactly. It’s so … weird, basically, how often people have so CLEARY based their conception and experiences with God on whatever experience they had with their parents. You’ve said it just right.
Posted by Vicki on May 20, 2008 at 6:45 am
I understand where you’re coming from on this, but still I have trouble accepting any type of rejection of parents when God plainly said “Honor your father and mother that your days may be long upon the earth’. Can you continue to honor your father and mother after rejecting them?? Or do you mean to reject their actions….hating the sin, but not the sinner?
I’ve experienced recently how God is the source of love and joy, not the earthly relationships I tend to rely on for my happiness. Maybe there’s a better way to help those who are suffering from dysfunctional family life with bad childhood memories. I’m sure that’s what you want to do, but your expressing it in this way makes me uncomfortable as a Christian trying to live a Spirit-filled and godly life.
Posted by Diana on July 31, 2010 at 3:50 pm
It’s okay to honor them, even love them. Just love and honor them from over there.
Posted by Andy Wood on May 20, 2008 at 7:00 am
Wow. All this time I thought I was a narcissistic ass. And it’s not my fault! It’s not my fault! (Go with that..) It’s not my fault!
It’s Mac’s fault.
It’s so liberating to know I don’t have to be responsible for my behavior or thoughts any more.
Posted by John Shore on May 20, 2008 at 8:22 am
Vicki: Of course it’s a matter that takes considerable spiritual, intellectual, and emotional discernment. The bottom line, I think, is to be sure to honor your parents, right up to the point where “honoring” them means dishonoring yourself. If you dishonor yourself, you dishonor God. So we all have to find where that line is, and be sure to walk it.
Posted by Lindsey on May 20, 2008 at 8:32 am
Vicki: It’s about rethinking what “honoring” means. Honor doesn’t always mean acceptance or obedience. Take, for example, if someone has a parent who is an atheist and an alcoholic. How, then, are they to be honored?
Part of “honoring” my parents, for me, is becoming as pure and holy a person as I can, even when at times that is at odds with the way I was raised and what my parents would request of me. I find it interesting that the commandment says “Honor thy father and mother that it may go well with thee.” If it’s not going well with thee, time to reevaluate.
I think we can reject the way in which our parents raised us and reevaluate if they were giving us true love or selfish love without dishonoring them. It’s like if a friend offers you a dish you don’t like. You can say, “no, thanks” without rejecting your friend outright. You can still love the things they offer you that are good and honor the friendship. Grown-up love means loving your way around the flaws and rejecting the sin.
(Sorry for cluttering your blog, John, this one just hits a sore spot!)
Posted by Andy on May 20, 2008 at 8:33 am
I believe that the number two reason people are so unhappy in life is they fail to accept that their parents loved them deeply and made a lot of sacrifices for the sake of their children out of love. Sure, they made mistakes – haven’t we all – but my challenge to you, whoever is reading this, is to say thank you to your parents before it is too late. Tell them you love them and really appreciate all the times they’ve gone without, just so that you can have a nice Christmas present or a holiday. Accept them! Love them!
Posted by John Shore on May 20, 2008 at 8:56 am
Andy: Very nice. That’s right: It’s just as important for us to acknowledge the good our parents have done us as it is to properly processs the … less good.
Lindsey: I’m very grateful to you for “cluttering” my blog with your thoughtful, kind, God-centered comments. Clutter away here, please.
Posted by Greta on May 20, 2008 at 9:03 am
John, I agree to a point . . . however, there is another side! Three uncles sexually violated me….biological father deserted me and emotionally empty step-dad diminshed me with words like ‘stupid-never amount -to-anything’ predictions! Mother was seldom there…dressmaking for the rich ladies in the city. In my young head, men were mean! Women were indiffferent! Predictable conditions for raising a dysfunctional child, wouldn’t you say?
When I turned 45 my mother told me how her grandfather had raped her many times, and beat and sodomized his son(my grandfather), into an angry wimp. When Grandpa’s sons (my uncles) were born, he did to them what his father had done to him, and they in turn did it to me.
When I heard that story about those abusive uncles…..my heart broke with compassion for them. They had been acting out of their own faulty training/example when they tore me apart. Dysfunction breeds dysfunction. Somewhere in the generational line-up, there has to be someone with forgivenenss in their heart. Otherwise, why did Jesus die? I am so totally healed of the painful memories. They are still there, but there is no malice any more. And when I met my step-father’s people in the country from which he came, I totally understood why he was like he was…. forgiveness came easier…he was like he was, because that is how his parent’s acted towards him. For sixty years he rejected them. He went back only after they had died. He hadn’t learned or taken the time to understand the ‘why’s of their verbal mean-ness towards him and his siblings.
That is my heart towards dysfunctional parents…they suffer from generational dysfunction! They need healing too…and forgiveness is the balm of peace they need. Blessings!
Posted by ric booth on May 20, 2008 at 10:05 am
Hey John, Thanks. I think so many go through so life thinking or believing that neglectful or abusive parents are loving and caring. Greta, I think is onto step 2 or 6 with forgiveness and yes, absolutely, I agree with restoration. However, I think your post is directed toward those who are still be in denial and as such may be passing the pain onto others.
Posted by John Shore on May 20, 2008 at 10:23 am
Yes, Ric, thank you: That is what I’m saying. I actually don’t think it’s possible to “forgive” anyone until you’ve utterly grasped the nature of their offense. I don’t find in any way incompatible thoroughly understanding (which is a term I prefer to “forgiving” ) what and why our parents did whatever they did, and refusing to accept their dysfunction as your own. I love my father, for instance. I’ve honored him. I’ve thanked him. If there’s anything in this world the man knows, it’s that I love and respect him. But at the same time, privately, in my own heart, I’ve made sure to ensure that what’s mine is mine, and what’s his is his.
Posted by FreetoBe on May 20, 2008 at 10:27 am
I grew up with alcoholic parents, 5 siblings. I am a middle child. I was not a favorite. I accepted that they did not love me the way I wanted or needed and I let them go; I did not quit loving them, but I knew that it was unhealthy for me to continue any kind of close association with them. I loved them for as long as they lived. Since becoming a Christian, I have also forgiven them. Forgiveness is possible with Jesus. I think one doesn’t necessarily have to understand the background, the “whys and hows”, in order to forgive someone. Greta, I’m glad you understand and forgive your parents. And Lindsey, I agree, we have to convey that love and joy of God to others as much as we can. Thanks John, this seems to be a touchy subject with a lot of people.
Posted by John Shore on May 20, 2008 at 11:18 am
Yeah–and of course I knew it would be a touchy subject for a lot of people. I almost didn’t publish this piece. But then I wanted to, in case it was something that someone who’s unhappy might benefit from. So many people are just stuck in that whole, “My mom and dad were GREAT!” thing, when that isn’t the case at all.
Posted by Ross on May 20, 2008 at 12:58 pm
I think Greta got it right – she realized that those who treated her badly themselves were treated the same and so on and so on back to Adam and Eve.
My sister and I came from a dysfunctional background (original parents divorced, then both parents had divorces again). We both have “baggage” that is attendant to these situations. The difference between us now, (I’m 37/She’s 42) is that I came to know Jesus Christ when I was 21. He gave me new life and showed me how to live a life of joy and victory (not that I have always followed His leading and honestly it’s often a tough slog to do what he asks) and the older I get the more the baggage falls away and the character of Christ takes its place.
My sister is bitter about her childhood and blames the travail of her adult life on it. I’ve tried to get through to her that I agree but the only solution is to forgive and move on. I’ve told her what Jesus has done for me and that He’ll do the same for her, but she’s not interested so nothing changes in her life.
I also have 4 step brother and sisters; all with similar backgrounds to me and my sister. Everyone of them is broken in some way: Divorces, children out of wedlock, emotional problems, etc. To paint a clearer background, we came from an upper middle class family and most have a college degree. Looking back to the time right before I accepted Christ, any observer would have thought I would have been the least likely to succeed…and I would have agreed. But now, 16 years later, after having been a Christian all those years, I’m the only one that (at least from the outside) has a life that appears whole; Married 8 years with two kids teaching Sunday school at Church. The difference between me and them is Jesus. Strongholds have been broken in my life that remain in there’s.
John- I thought you’re post was going to end with how only Christ can redeem the carnage done in child hood and was considering sending this to my sister, but when I came to the end and found no such appeal, I thought this is the last thing my sister needs to read. Perhaps there are others who are perplexed at the decisions that they repeatedly make and can see that there is correlation between their childhood and who they are now, but I don’t that knowledge will be of any benefit unless they come to put it behind them…hopefully with the help of the Lord.
Posted by samwrites2 on May 20, 2008 at 1:48 pm
John,
Thanks for another great post. But I came upon this truth while reading (almost reluctant to plug this again but it was really helpful and you and Steve Arterburn deserve it) MM4M.
What concerns me most these days comes from the other end of the spectrum – why did I want children? Am I being the parent to them God wants me to be?
Someday, will my children NEED to reject me – or just the memories of when I failed them?
-Sam
Posted by John Shore on May 20, 2008 at 1:52 pm
Ross: I’m not sure why you felt this piece wouldn’t be good for your sister; it seems to me it would be. Anyway, I didn’t structure this dynamic in such a way as to make it dependent upon giving oneself to Christ because I don’t think succesfully moving past your parents is dependent upon Christ. This is strictly PSYCHOLOGICAL work; it can happen without reference to any religion at all. Christianity can HELP one in this process, for sure: No one believes that more than I. But it’s not NECCESSARY to the process. I think we’re too often too quick to believe that only Christ can do for us what, in the end, we must each do for ourselves. You don’t have to be a Christian to release yourself of the generations of pain inherited from your parents. It’s EXCELLENT to have a religious faith to aide you in that very difficult process, but it’s hardly necessary.
Posted by Ross on May 20, 2008 at 3:14 pm
John- I agree with you that moving past your parents is not dependent upon giving yourself to Christ. I also agree that it is psychological work. I should have mentioned that sis has gone the therapist route as well and just the last year stopped taking anti-depressants because of weight gain. I guess the way I look at it is if either route, secular or Christian, has the ability to change one for the better, (although personally I have yet to know someone who has gone the psychologist route and come out the better for it, but that’s just my anecdotal experience and I’m sure others have had different) for me, I would hope for conversion as it offers life eternal as well as present betterment. The best situation would be conversion followed by therapy with a Christian psychologist such as your buddy Arterburn.
Would you not agree that probably most Psychologists/Psychiatrists hold to a framework that is incompatible with the Biblical view of man – mainly that he is sinful from birth and that all his problems are due to this fact as well as the fact that everybody that has been in his life from birth are sinful.
Just remembered something. A year and half before my conversion, I myself was seeing a therapist. I needed help as my life was a wreck. I accepted Christ by myself in my room via a tract given to me. I knew something changed within me, so much so that I told the therapist during the next session that I didn’t need to see her anymore although many of the things that plauged me continued to. I had a hope and something in me (Holy Spirit) that I didn’t have previously. Anyway, the therapist never provided any effective help…Xanax included. I mean she did her best but the human mind/soul is beyond complex and the wisdom of man (or woman in this case) wasn’t enough. Applying Biblical principles with God’s help has served me well. In my case, religious faith WAS necessary in this difficult process.
Posted by Morse on May 20, 2008 at 3:25 pm
John, have you been watching some George Carlin?
“•HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER.
This commandment is about obedience and respect for authority; in other words it’s simply a device for controlling people. The truth is, obedience and respect should not be granted automatically. They should be earned. They should be based on the parents’ (or the authority figure’s) performance. Some parents deserve respect. Most of them don’t. Period.”
Posted by Tuesday on May 20, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Well, this certainly made me think alot, anyway.
I agree with you that some people need to simply let go of their parents – to sever physical and emotional ties, because they aren’t getting anything positive at all from the relationship and likely never will. I might disagree with you (although it’s hard to tell obviously from a single brief post) on the numbers and the extent to which this situation exists in our society.
I think one of the things that people get hung up on is this idea of unconditional love. That is, people tend to see relationships with family, and parent/child relationships in particular, in a “they love me unconditionally” or “they don’t love me at all” way. I’m not sure if I’m explaining this well at all, but basically I think if your situation with your parents is troubled, it might be helpful to throw out loaded and romantic words like “love”. When I stopped wondering about “love” in our family and instead focused on the different types of bonds and attatchments we had formed (and I do believe almost every family, no matter how dysfuntional will have strong attatchments – it just happens when people are together for extended periods of time, though they aren’t always positive or healthy), it helped me see things more clearly as well as feel better about where we are as a family.
But anyway, yeah. I think we as a society hang on to this idea that there’s something sacred, magical or mystical almost about family/blood. Family relationships are pretty damn strong, yes, but not for those reasons. If your family really is doing you no good, it’s okay to acknowledge that and move on (and away from them). You don’t have to, but it’s a completely valid option.
Posted by Taryn on May 20, 2008 at 5:16 pm
This post hit me hard. In college I decided to change my major (I ended up double-majoring). They were livid, and told me I was throwing my life away and they would not support me anymore if I decided to continue (I wanted to major in Children’s Ministry). When this happened, I realized something. My parents have shown their love by buying things. They can be distant and unattached all they want, but when us kids needed something, they were right there to give it to us. Even now, I still think before I do something big, “Would my parents approve of this?”
I thought my parents were good growing up, but through the years I’ve realized how distant they were. And I’m finally starting to realize I need to let some baggage off…2 bags of a dad and mom. Thanks for posting this…at least one person needed to read it.
Posted by Elizabeth on May 20, 2008 at 6:35 pm
Good point, John. I was born to teenage parents — very young, with very little life experiences when I came along. (For most of my childhood through young adulthood, I had all sorts of significance issues… I could never even accept that God loved me unconditionally — much less my folks. And I blamed myself for being the cause of their issues. It wasn’t until seven years ago that I finally resolved that this was their issue, not mine. And once that was behind me, I think I could finally accept that I was loved unconditionally by others… and most especially by God.
Posted by Christelle on May 20, 2008 at 7:49 pm
Thank you so much for posting this! I needed to hear it!
Posted by John Shore on May 20, 2008 at 7:59 pm
Hey, guys. These comments are fantastic: sensitive, articulate, honest. Wonderful stuff. I’m so sorry I haven’t had time to address each individually; they’re all so trenchant.
Ross: Without question it’s true, as you suggest, that such affairs as we’re here discussing DO go better with God. A religious conversion followed by therapy with a Christian counseler (depending, of course, on the quality of the counselor) sounds positively ideal to me.
Tuesday: Perfect. What a wonderful thing you’ve said. I’m really, really grateful to you for sharing this. It’s … exactly right.
Taryn: Wonderful. Outstanding. It’s amazing the thought it’s clear you’ve already given all this. It’s so refreshing and inspiring to know you’ve already done so much of this kind of emotional work.
Elizabeth: WOW! Another journey undertaken with courage and resloved with understanding. This is just … experience talking, you can tell. Thanks to you, too, for taking the time to share this with us.
Christelle: Thank YOU! (You’ve got a great blog, too; I went and visited it. It’s got a really sweet vibe.)
Posted by Cheryl on May 20, 2008 at 10:56 pm
This is interesting, coming just after your own father’s visit. Having read some of the earlier posts about your childhood, I imagine in the day or two since he’s left, you feel like one of those old pinball machines — blinking and whirring as all sorts of good and bad emotions and memories ricochet through you. “Lost ball. A thousand points! Lost ball. Bonus time!”
I am not a Christian … exactly … and sometimes read your blog to hone my internal debate about faith — but regardless of party affiliation, what you have written today will salve many wounds.
Posted by mhogue on May 21, 2008 at 4:21 am
That’s harsh, John.
Posted by John Shore on May 21, 2008 at 4:42 am
Mhogue: Wrong. Read it again.
Cheryl: Thank you. For what it’s worth, I didn’t write this on the heels of my father’s visit because I’m in any way conflicted or unresolved relative to my feelings about him–though of course I knew it was absolutely bound to seem that way. Instead, I wrote this because I know a lot of people DO have unresolved issues around their parents. I’ve been honing this Theory of Relativity since I was about eight; my wife and I have been working on it for 25+ years. I would say that knowing this stuff–this particular stuff–is some of the hardest won, most precious knowledge I have. I figured this was a good time to share it. You toss it out; the wind blows it away. Still. I figured one, maybe two people might hear it. Good enough.
Posted by ric booth on May 21, 2008 at 5:14 am
Amen.
Posted by My Point: Reject EVERYTHING, So God Can Arrive « Suddenly Christian on May 21, 2008 at 6:27 am
[...] May 21, 2008 Posted by John Shore in Uncategorized. trackback Yesterday I posted a piece called Unhappy? Reject Your Parents. As I understood beforehand would happen, a lot of people assumed I’d written that piece as [...]
Posted by samwrites2 on May 21, 2008 at 6:33 am
John,
Passed this post on to my wife and she seemed to have an epiphany of some sort. She sent me an e-mail back followed by a “thanks” with exclamation points.
Meanwhile, we “reject our parents” – where does that leave someone? Free – but for what? What or who do we base our self esteem on?
It’s just in our nature for most not to be comfortable with how we view ourselves and to try and base our esteem outside ourselves.
My thought leads to the only being greater than my parents – God.
God’s love for me and desire for relationship seems the closest to unconditional love and acceptance as I can find.
To me, that in turn leads to a “healthy” self-esteem where I am “in touch with my inner loser” and yet know I have value in God’s eyes – and I need that. Everyone needs that.
Thanks again, John.
-Sam
Posted by PenIee on May 22, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Look, mine did not have TV, were post-war, did the best they could for a couple wrongly matched and since becoming a born again Christian have forgiven totally. Good subject John it will always get a good response.
Posted by Anne on May 22, 2008 at 5:35 pm
This article is serendipitous, very affirming on my thoughts for today. I just completed a series of emails with a very good friend about how sad I feel without positive responses from my family every stage of life. Now as a grandmother, I still feel sad about the distant relationships we have together. Little effort is put into building relationships in my family. There were dysfunctional roles in my family (absent, hypercritical, or uninvolved father and sibling, with an alcoholic mother). When I was less than 12 yo, I regularly prayed for different parents because I needed attention and love. I was starving and knew it. No self-help reading was done, no soap operas to watch and suggest to me, no TV show talk hosts educating me as to what healthy families look like. And yet, I knew – and I knew it was not me that needed replacing. Didn’t get my prayers answered, by the way. Learned the 10 commandments, live by them, and get the bottom line of the article to be – stop the self-centeredness about others behaviors and their thinking is somehow about me. And since I cannot change others but myself, then I need to quit trying to change the past. My parents lacked the tools and skills to raise me. They did housekeeping duties, that’s it. So, my happiness will come when I change my perspective (it doesn’t have to deny reality). No wonder I don’t understand my relationship in the family – we don’t have one.
I believe in me; and what will make me happy. Taking a perspective that does not make me suffer, helps.
Posted by Tomas on May 25, 2008 at 8:33 am
The picture of you proves your mastery to shave indeed. Unfortunately that was the only joy. It was fearful to read your call to reject our parents. Jesus never taught us so. Therefore let me thank dear Vicki here She left the wonderful comment under your post.
Posted by Christine Conti on May 9, 2010 at 6:04 am
“…I came not to send peace but a sword…and a man’s foes shall be they of his own household.” Matt. 10:34-36 KJV
Posted by John Shore on May 25, 2008 at 9:08 am
Who is Vicki? And what are you afraid of?
Posted by Laila on July 10, 2008 at 1:22 pm
It was yesterday that I realized that my relationship with my father has been NOTHING more than abusive from his end–physically, emotionally, spiritually. The man is poison. And he never loved me. There was no “sacrificing so that Daughter could have something”–quite the reverse! He would sometimes leave for weeks at a time, no idea where to, without leaving my mother a cent for groceries.
Analytically realizing this to be the case, it nonetheless hurts like the devil. It has left me mournful.
It’s true that most people have no idea how to parent. Most people never read parenting books or attend classes; they never even work out for themselves their own parenting philosophies. And they never discuss with whatever partner is present how parenting should proceed with the both of them as parents. They usually parent as they were parented, or as a reaction to the way they were parented.
It is hence my belief that most people are screwing up their children in some way or other.
Incidentally enough, a psychologist with Florida State University as recently published a study which finds that having children makes people more unhappy than it makes them happy. (This idea is not new in psychology.) Having children is hard.
I think most people shouldn’t have children. I am reminded of a quote by Blaise Pascal: “The more I see of Mankind, the more I prefer my dog.”
Posted by Stacy on July 22, 2008 at 5:50 pm
I lost my mother when I was 15 years old. I tried to stay connected with a family that I had nothing in common with for 24 years. My earthly father isn’t a godly example. My brother and I were physically and emotionally abused growing up. I don’t think he is a christian. My step-mother is a christian. Finally when my earthly father told me he didn’t like me being involved with my kids in sports, my job, and my church I felt like I was being rejected. He thought I should stop everything but my job. I chose to stop going to family gatherings. I also don’t call hardly ever. They don’t come to any of my childrens events except when my daughter played in the orchestra. He talks bad about me because I won’t take my children over to their house. He calls me a hypocrite. They don’t visit my children in my home. It has been almost 2 years since I broke away from the family. I actually felt like my family died again. It was so traumatic for me and my husband. My daughter- which is 17 now -has been over there twice. She says that she hears 2 stories. I can’t stop her from going over there, but I can’t protest her if she does. But I am responsible for her. I pray for my earthly father ever day. I know that God can move mountains and turn problems like this around for His glory. It was strange to read some of the responses on this page because it in a way confirmed what I thought God was telling me. (Reject everything so God can arrive). I have no desire to communicate with them. My husbands family are christians and are very supportive. God has been there for me all of the time. He has taken that void away that my parents left. My husband and I quit having so many arguments and are communicating better. I am trying to surround myself with christian people. God has also used me since then to help others. My earthly father didn’t know how to raise me and my brother. It wasn’t his fault, but that doesn’t mean that I have to subject me and my family to verbal abuse-anymore! I was raised to listen and not talk back-EVER!. Also that children were weant to be seen and not heard. Fortunately my husband was raised in a christian home and with Gods help has shown me how to be a better parent. I thank God for that every day!
I can only say that I have a love for my earthly father the way my heavenly father would have me to. “Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free” Thank you-I still have a ways to go. Its hard togo through the teenage years with your kids and have problems like this. I am learning to give it to God. I told my stepmother that I was willing (or I think I am ready) to meet with them at a food place if there were no bickering and hollaring. I don’t want to go to their house because it is my earthly fathers turf where he is king. If something was said and done I would be afraid that i would do or say something that would be harmful. If you have any comments I would appreciate them.
Posted by Nima on August 3, 2008 at 12:49 am
Dear Mr. Shore,
I found your article about rejecting your parents through a random web search about parents rejecting their children.
I had no choices in my childhood, was dragged all over the country by a mother who was desperately chasing my father, and a father who didn’t want us. My mother cut off from her family and so did my father. I never knew their families and only met my mother’s later in my life after finding them.
It has taken me many years of admitting my parents just didn’t like me and lost out on a nice child, and the last 3 years have been so revealing. I have been living my life on more automatic reactions rather than really thinking about why I do the things I do and who are or are not my friends. I finally stopped and looked at it all and it was terribly painful.
I was so discouraged from making friends, keeping friends, finding the truth and knowing who I was that I fell apart in adulthood. I was set up with no coping skills or success in anything for life. I was SUPPOSED to fail. So I could, I guess, reinforce for them, that life is hard and you cannot win. Then I was mentally beaten by a God that loved me ON CONDITION that I did what HE wanted or ELSE. The love of God was spouted out as some kind of paneacia but when I tried to learn about his so called unconditional love I was thumped for having assumptions that I might actually be a good child rather than a waste of space or just a servant.
My parents always made me feel it was my fault for my problems. Everything is MY FAULT because I didn’t react correctly or I just “misunderstood” what them meant, even though they changed the rules again and I missed the memo. That is tiresome and I reject it. It is my parents fault for giving me nothing to succed in this life. I had to go around them and learn all I could so I could at least function. Everything I learned I learned alone through books and observation. I have been pretending to be normal but in reality I feel lost and undesirable.
For years I have to correct everything my parents did to me, both physically and legally, and for two summers I have had epiphanies as to why I have reacted to the world as a hostile place that does not love you or ever will. I learned to hate myself before allowing anyone else to hurt me with that same attitude. That way they didn’t have to constantly beat me up mentally and really demolish my soul.I did it for them.
I have had to reject my parents compleatly, their idea of a God that loves you ONLY IF….. I tired of hearing how it was all my fault.
I was only trying to protect the shreds of my self esteem and inner person they didn’t get a chance to rip apart.
Since their deaths, which freed my soul from having to pretend to be whatever they wanted, which would change every time I thought I figured out what they wanted in a daughter, I am completely ready to forget them. I feel like lousy Christian because I cannot find anything about them to honor. They taught me to fear, to hate myself, and gave me no encouragement on how to interact with others in this world. They destroyed all my attempts at a better life till I finally left my home state for many years.
I felt used by them for their needs mostly. It is very hard to trust anyone who has tried to kill you as a four-year old child because it would be better to send you back to God. It basically leaves you unsure of your place on on this earth or if you have a right to survival at all. Desparately pleasing them was a survival trait I learned. Don’t ask too much or get out of line.
I am trying very hard to forgive them, but more I would rather reject them and run toward something better. They are dead now, I must admit I am so glad I don’t deal with them any longer. I had to burn my mothers journals because she said NOTHING good about me in them. She once told me I wasn’t good enough to have children, so I’d better not. I granted her wish. My body stressed itself into disease, so that I could never get pregnant.
I have felt very lonely for years although I am married to a very understanding man. He has seen this kind of ill treatment through his job and has a lot of patience. I spent years in emotional distress and physical illness and wondering if I had the right to be alive. My parents instilled in me that I was worthless to them, so I always wondered what good I was on this earth. I am working towards self love, which is NOT SELFISH. I need to love myself enough to stay alive and not give up. I do fairly well most of the time, but sometimes I get very depressed when I really need to talk to someone to make sure my feelings are natural. I am afraid to reveal my vulnerablility to others because they can use it as leverage later when they turn on me.
I keep having “epiphanies” as to why I am doing things I do, and that I no longer have to work in survival mode, but can choose what to do or how to react.
I have only one other sibling who was not there for the major beatings I had to watch my mother endure or the alcoholism I had to witness as my father went into womanizing and anger.
I don’t think my brother knows how deeply it has affected me but I know he has been deeply hurt too. He admitted to me that he has been harshly judgemental toward others because that is all he experienced as a child. No love, just judgement. Neither of us thought we could ever please our parents. He is doing better than I am. Maybe because they gave him more time or he was the “boy” and I was not as valuable.
I must say I do not like my parents. I am trying to return to God but I really need some Christians to show me that unconditional LOVE does exist. That it’s possible for someone not to judge you because you are different, unsocial or had a rotten life, and for them not to fear who I am might “rub off on them.” I can’t say I have met many Christians of this kind. Mostly I hear from them how everyone outside of their little sect is going to Hell and wrong. In the four years I have been living in our town I have had ONE Christian person reach out to me unconditionally and lovingly. I was like a starving skeleton eating food for the first time in thirty years. I didn’t think Christians wanted anyone new around them or anyone so hurt they cannot seem to understand how deep it goes. I wonder if there really are Christian who care anymore. Not in my town I guess. Only one person at all, I guess.
I guess Christians have become too frightened to reach out to others in need. Somehow a sick wounded bleeding person is supposed to crawl to a church and beg for a little help. I wonder if Jesus would have slunk back and kept his mouth shut because others might punish him for sharing the gospel. I guess not because he died for us. I am trying to relate that to me.
I pray that God will help me to forgive my parents but I must admit I would like to just put them out of my mind for the rest of my life. I wonder if we see these people in the afterlife? I would much rather see my cat who loved me unconditionally and understood all my moods and just snuggled me when I was down.
I wonder if animals are not God’s way of showing we the rejected that there is some kind of Love out there for us too. Sometimes I wish I had been born a cat or dog without the hate and anger and hurtfullness of humans. But that is probably selfish to want as well.
I think I am looking for my place in the world and feel cut off and lonely. I understand it when someone who looks perfectly normal and happy on the outside then manages to commit suicide and then the rest of the people around them say, I don’t understand, he/she seemed so happy, what happened? Then the obvious clues start to become clear and everyone realizes they could have done a little more, said a kind word or actually maybe tried to help the person so wounded that living becomes harder than dying.
I pray that God can come to me and I can let him in and I can forgive my parents. it is going to take time and it would help if others would understand me. But I don’t look for that anymore. I just would like to feel that complete overcoming of the holy spirit everyone talks about and I can find the ability to forgive and forget and move one. I feel like the sick person who has to heal herself alone.
Posted by D on April 9, 2010 at 12:17 pm
I could have written your story. Four years ago I “rejected” my mom and my older brother after years of abuse and manipulation (my dad had died years before). I haven’t gone to hell yet. We have this one life, honey: God doesn’t want our only life to be so unhappy. I pray that you’re epiphanies continue; it sounds like you’re at the start of a liberating journey.
Posted by Susan on May 9, 2010 at 11:25 am
I too could have written your story, Nima. I understand how you feel and admire your strength in persevering and having learning epiphanies. It helps very much to know that you are loved by God, but if you can, it would be great if you could find a therapist who understands and specializes in Complex PTSD, which is the condition most abused children are left in. Like you, I did much work on my own for many years, but it is really helpful to find a non-judgmental therapist who understands the type of psychological damage an abusive childhood can produce and who can walk you through the steps to reintegration and recovery. A good book that helps in understanding the therapeutic process for people like us is The Narcissistic Family by Stephanie and Robert Pressman. (I hope links work on this blog). At $36, it’s expensive, but I have found it very useful in coordination with therapy.
Take care and God bless.
Posted by John Shore on August 3, 2008 at 8:33 am
Nima: I’m going to present your story to my readers, and ask them to pray for you. I’ll be doing that tommorow morning. Thank you for having the courage to so openly and honestly share your heartbreaking story with us. That you’ve survived what you have, and are having these “epiphanies” is an inspiration to us all.
Posted by davidrochester on August 3, 2008 at 9:35 pm
… and in contrast to the last comment I made on your site, I think this post is incredibly astute.
Another reason why it’s important to wake up to the crappiness of one’s parents is that until you do, you’re likely to perpetuate that same crap on your own kids, because it’s what you unconsciously associate with “loving” parental behavior. Which tends to create generation after generation of emotionally abused, depressed alcoholics, among other things.
Posted by Magali on January 5, 2009 at 2:33 am
I read so many articles about coping skills for parents with bad kids, but no one ever addresses the fact that there are awful parents out setting their kids up for years of misery. Great article.
Posted by Brenda on March 16, 2009 at 4:18 am
I also found your website by doing a Google search, and have jumped over here from another subject to re-read the posts on this one.
I am just about to finish the denial stage in dealing with my family. I have been making a lot of excuses for them, because I want to believe that they are mean because they don’t “understand”. I have told myself it’s how they have always done things, blah, blah, blah.
I can tell my thought processes have changed, even in the last few weeks. I am a lot more ready to accept that they just did not like me. My dad did, though. He was just so passive he would never take my side. When I was a little kid, I could sense how much my mom hated me–if I heard the stairs creak at night before I went to sleep I was sure she was coming up to kill me with a butcher knife. Once she told me no one would ever like me. They loved me, she said, only because I was their child, but no one else would.
I can’t help feeling badly/guilty when my dad who is ninety years old sits in his chair and cries and says he just wishes we could all get together like we used to and that he wishes things could be like they used to be. Sadly, it still feels like manipulation, because it involves me doing what they want, no matter what the cost might be to me. The real me wants to rise up and say, “The way things used to be is the problem. Since you won’t listen to my words, I am telling you in the only other way I know, by staying away from this toxic family, that things need to change!”
The real me also has no desire to go there with them anymore. It’s a lost cause. Why can’t they realize that and leave me alone? They have no desire to get to the root of the problem, because they would have to change. They just want things to look okay on the surface so their Christian friends will quit talking about how I don’t come to visit them, etc.
I feel sad because I know my family is not in the ideal relationship, however, there was an incident eight years ago when something “snapped” for me and I was just done. No desire to try anymore. To keep the door open, just in case, I told them I would try to work things out if they were ever willing to meet with an objective third party. It hasn’t happened, but when there is an event they want us to appear at, they summon me, and try to act like things are “normal” whatever that is. I don’t avoid every event, but I don’t go to all of them, either. I don’t let my family make my decisions either way.
I try to honor my parents. I give them money, food, call them on the phone, but I don’t do what they want most—pretend that things are fine with my brother and myself, and I don’t spend time with all of them at the same time unless my husband is there, too. I feel that I am honoring them as much as I can, given our situation.
Sometimes I feel like telling people in our community the truth about how I grew up. I guess the way I honor my parents the most is by not embarrasing them by telling that story to anyone who knows them.
Posted by John Shore on March 16, 2009 at 9:28 pm
Brenda: Amazing. What a story. Heartbreaking. Sounds like you know what you’re doing. These are such hard life lessons, aren’t they? This is the kind of wisdom that comes at such a price.
Posted by fUny1 on July 15, 2009 at 3:47 pm
I am writing on this board as a form of therapy for myself and with the hope of reaching out to others in my predicament.
My father and mother were both the youngest children of their families but were in their mid 20′s when they met and were married 2 years later and started our family.
My father grew up never knowing his father who passed away when he was only 6 month old. He went to college in the US with a fellow countryman and friend of his and after his return from the US my father found out that his friend had died in mysterious and possibly criminally violent circumstances. He met my mother at her brother’s funeral since her brother was a friend and classmate of my father.( I am the embodiment of the reverse Grandfather paradox in Physics in that going back in time and saving my uncle would imply that I never come into existence if there are no parallel realities and I do not do a back to the future hook up of my mom and dad)
My parents experienced lots of hardship in their mid 40′s to help our future by escaping war and immigrating to the US with only 10 grand in money to help us. Many times they regretted their decision and wanted to go back but they were usually in opposition on their decision more often than in agreement and I believe this was always the case since my father’s mother had tried to get them divorced mere months after they got married.
There was always argument and sometimes the kids had to bear the brunt of the verbal terror from my dad which would turn into rare outbursts of physical violence( mostly slapping on the face).
We grew up terrorized from our dad even though we loved him.
I’ve been carrying a burden of supporting my parents ever since I was 7 years old when our family experienced financial hardship when my dad lost his high paying job in a single income household with a stay at home wife who left her job to raise 3 children. He continued to build his construction project and spend his money on that( with heavy levered borrowing of course) while we had to go by on the bear minimum of food, school, and hand me down for clothes.
This lead to our immigration to the US when I was 12 since war and the corruption it created had decimated my dad’s construction project money making ability.
I just turned 34 and I have been supporting both my parents and older sister with half of my 100k income until my DoD IT contract ended and I was laid off on my birthday(1/365 probability) I had been working 50-70 hrs a week like a rented mule traveling almost every week all over the US and the world so I can save money and help my family since my dad’s real estate income has plummeted to zero one year after my mom retired from her work to help my sister at her private chiropractic practice. My parents helped my sister fund her practice and so did I. The only problem is some of the help came from credit card debt and home equity loans and to top it off my dad destroyed any retirement money he would have had speculating on stocks after I had made him pretty good gains in the late 1990′s when I was between jobs and was doing good research on tech stocks in my IT background.
My Mom’s retirement money is all she has after helping fund all of our education( she helped me the least since I knew she could not afford for me to go to a prestigious Technical College away from home and take on debt. My younger sister had her part time work pay for her school close to home with the help of my mother. I chose to pay 1/10th of the rate per class credit to study towards a B.S in Physics first at the local community college and then at a local state University. My Parents could not afford to send me to a room and board college and I hate incurring that much debt especially in a field where starting salaries for PHD’s is 25k until they pay their dues.
I decided to get into IT since I had a passion for computers and computer gaming and it was the wise thing to due for the the since I got in early on the late 1990′s IT boom( I’ve always believed that GOD guided me to this field since I was mocked all the time for spending too much time and money on my hobby which I ended up mostly learning on my own aside from learning some in technical schools which is also the only time my dad ever paid for my education)
The career that sprung out of that $1300 investment has helped him my mom and my older sister to the tune of more than 50k just in the last 2 years. All other investments in his kids’ future and all his dealings and even the money he made from Real Estate have not amounted to this so this is why I feel that it was GOD who led me to this field since it was the only thing that would save our family from going into poverty especially that my sister’s practice has closed due to the economic depression that we have been going through.
My dad tried to do Real Estate as a second income to support all the debt he would incur from a reduced income in his primary work and still be able to gift my younger sister a large wedding gift and pay for half her wedding day.
I did not want my mother to work past 63 especially since my dad’s mother had never worked a day in her life and was technically retired and using her children as her retirement account. Moving to a 100% travel job allowed me to cut my spending at home and increase my pay by 50% and add 10% more due to tax free per diem and saving cost of gas of commuting.
After taxes and helping my parents, I saved about 15% of my earnings and had been doing full time technical trading in the market for 2 years since my IT work was on Thur-mon. So technically I was working 2 full time jobs. The most work I did was 150 hrs in 9 days and 370 hrs over 30 consecutive days for an average of 12.5 hrs 7 days a week.
I have neglected my social and personal life in order to try to help my parents and older sister who are in need and also help my younger sister and her husband who has a beautiful 13 month old son whom am I his Godfather.
I own a home equally with them otherwise they would not be able to afford it. I have been trying to save enough money to buy my own home so I could relax from the constant pressure of bad business decisions and bad luck(If it wasn’t for bad luck I’d only have the worst luck
and find me a good woman to share my life with so I can move on and maintain my physical health and more importantly my sanity.
I did not plan on using the rest of my savings to continue to support them in living beyond their means even though they do not live extravagantly.
Now I am forced to since my father has been constantly making big decisions for himself and our family without asking for my advice or even having me around since in the end I am bearing the responsibility for those financial decision.
I have searched and searched to figure out why this is my burden in life but still I believe that this burden is less than the burden of sexual, physical abuse and neglect that has been mentioned on this board so I continue to strive to do whatever I can to help.
I wonder if I should continue or wean myself off this unhealthy addiction of trying to save a sinking ship?
I’ve always feared that If I left my family and moved on, that God’s wrath will be upon them and something terrible might happen to them so I have stayed with them ala LOT to prevent judgment( financially at least)
My mother constantly prays and has read the bible since my grandparents taught her. My dad’s widowed mother never introduced God’s word into my dad’s life. He recently told me that he never even read the bible until I got him to do so. they had always gone to church but he never read the bible.
I have reasoned with him in vain for the last 17 years to try to read the bible to understand how GOD wants him to live his life( ex. proverbs) and to use it to conquer his constant doom and gloom fears( ex: Psalm 27)
When I was half my age, he thought I had lost my mind and where going mentally insane when I begged him to get right with GOD and read the Bible more. He would pay me lip service in reading it half heart sometimes and ignoring it and scoffing me most of the other time.
He’s a man of this world but he is not an evil man nor does he prosper from infliction of others.
I told him he cannot succeed by his means if he wanted to be an honest man without being a man of GOD.
I have pleaded with him to at least take one day off a week( preferably the Sabbath) to rest his mind and body from 20 years of being a constant busy body.
He has supported his wife and family financially but neglected his wife’s needs since he’s rarely around other than to eat her food and to get some rest.
I have recently have been thinking of how GOD is supposed to punish children for the sins of their fathers so I explained this to him and he felt bad about it but I told him it was not all his fault since he was also wronged as a child but he can redeem himself if he starts with 3 things:
1) Observe the Sabbath( we are “Christian”) since it is God’s commandment for him to rest and respect and it will do him some good to rest. The only rest he gets is by going overseas to our birth country but lately I cannot afford to send them without a safety net of having a job since I am the last safety net for the family.
2) Stop coveting other people’s success and thinking that his life is total misery when compared to others who sometimes have more hardship than him.
3) Read the proverbs to learn right from wrong according to GOD’s will to rewire the thinking in his brain for the better and get rid of garbage self hating thoughts od misery and hopelessness. Read Psalms for times when fear strikes him.
I am hoping this will lift God’s wrath from him since he is the head of our family even if I file as head of household. I believe full heart that the easiest way for the devil to reach me and effect me negatively is by praying on my spiritually clueless father all these years ala “Death of a Salesman”‘s Willy Loeman type thinking and the Matrix style agent possession of a person’s thoughts and actions.
I told my father to give it one month and try my advice and see what GOD does for us because I believe it in my heart that he will do wonders in bringing us out of our miserable bondage if we get it right with him starting with my dad.
I feel I have much potential in my life to help others and I want to be able to help a lot more people but it starts with getting things right for my family.
I’d like to help as many people as I can escape the enslavement of this modern world but I would rather do it without being in the limelight and with little fanfare so I can do it right.
That is my goal.
Thank you for your time if you have gotten to the bottom of this long winded post.
Posted by Casia on December 5, 2009 at 6:00 am
fUny1, in case you are still monitoring, I recommend you read the book “The Millionaire Next Door” by Stanley/Danko. This book addresses the issue of financial co-dependence between relatives. While there are books out there that address the issue of guilt associated with success among Christians, women and whoever else falls into that trap, I have found this book to be a huge help in the situations I have found myself in.
John Shore, I found your article to be inspiring. I recently had a fall out with my parents. After many years of respecting, and ‘honoring’ them, I finally told them ‘No’. For years, I have given them unconditional love and allowed them to make me feel guilty about every choice I made in life, only to discover I was soon abandoned after, ironically, helping a relative that they did not approve of. The day I explained to my mother that I had worked hard, earned the right to make my own decisions, and would not alter my relationships simply because she requested it, was a day of freedom for me. I knew this would change my relationship with my parents, but I feel like an adult now. I would not go back for anything.
Posted by Sharon on February 22, 2010 at 6:46 am
This is powerful. My story is similar to Brenda’s. My mother absoultely despised me (I was blamed for every problem my family had), my dad was in the Navy, and was gone. I do have a great relationship with my Dad, but it was only after finding out the truth. My Mother used to tell me that I was just like my father, like it was a genetic failure. A few years ago I went to visit my mother, and found out that, first, when I was a baby, she wanted to get rid of me (because I had a severe childhood illness). She always made me feel like I was nothing but a burden. When I was married to my exhusband, he molested our daughter (I left him and he was not allowed to see her). My Mother took his side and acted like my daughter (who was just a very small girl at that time) were liars, even though we were the ones telling the truth. I have another sibling who my mother hated also. My oldest brother died. My other sibling, my dad, and I were not mentioned in the obituary at all.
I came out of denial from how she hated me. I decided to “divorce” myself from her. Now, when I think of how she told me I was just like my father, I guess I am. She divored him, for an alcoholic. My dad remarried to a wonderful christian lady who loves me and my other sibling dearly. To me, when I honor my mother and father, I think of Dad and his wonderful wife. As far as my biological mother is concerned, she got what she wanted. She wanted to get rid of me when I was very young, now her wish is granted.
Posted by John Shore on February 22, 2010 at 8:46 am
Sharon: Wow, what a powerful, powerful story. Thank you so much for sharing it. Nice.
Posted by Nora on March 30, 2010 at 4:47 pm
Oh, Lord…I was the child my mother was never supposed to get pregnant with — I was alternately God’s punishment or God’s joke on her. She never got tired of telling anyone and everyone who would listen about how I was the result of “Vatican Roulette”.
My father was one of those cold, austere, misogynistic Irish Catholics who thought women were a necessary evil. I didn’t even register on his radar. I was my mother’s to deal with, while he lavished attention and praise on his sons. I was told to keep silent at the dinner table, that only the males were allowed to speak, and that it didn’t matter what I was interested in, my only job was to get married and have children.
Fifty years later it’s always there — that horrible sense that maybe I am God’s big joke, or an instrument of his retribution, and its’ still hard to shake the feeling that I don’t matter, that my only worth involved my ovaries and uterus. It’s been especially hard now that my husband and I are empty-nesters. I actually found myself saying the other day, after I noticed a troublesome mass on my thyroid had gotten larger all of a sudden, that it wasn’t worth the bother and expense because I’d had my life.
I’m only fifty — no one should feel that way at fifty!
Funny how we are so very much our parents children, for better or for worse, no matter how old we are.
OTOH, who knows how our children will remember us, eh?
Posted by Christine on March 30, 2010 at 8:11 pm
the best thing I ever did was to accept that my dad just didn’t love me…..it was painful but man did it bring freedom. Thank you for this post John. I think it was the letting go of my dad that helped me to see him as a broken human being that needed God just as much as me…..and consequently needed love and forgiveness and I was able to forgive (NOT say “its ok” or have a good relationship with) my father and let it not define me. I think I am a much better person for it.
Posted by theskinhorse on March 31, 2010 at 4:49 am
I think my parents have an issue that a lot of parents have: they love their image of me, not who I really am. They love my accomplishments but not my failings. They love my feminine side (and would like to see me emphasize it more), and they become troubled when I express my masculine side. They love the fraction of me they wish to see, and they deny the rest. They do this with my brothers as well. It is only when a Reality they MUST deal with (an addiction that lands one in a hospital or jail, a choice that amounts to bodily scars or radical life changes) comes crashing in on their world that they allow themselves to see us for who we are. After the matter is “dealt with,” delusions and denial often regain some control of their minds and behavior.
Thankfully, they are getting a bit better. The revealing of each of us as individuals rather than “their children” is increasing with each year.
Family is one of those concepts that I believe is heavily romanticized in our culture. We’re coming out of that as generations move away from a “traditional family” with clear gender roles, the necessary reproduction amounting to 2.5 kids and the demonstration of wealth with the perfect house with the perfect picket fence. Though the images change, the illustrated feeling or concept of Family is still romanticized. And this may still be to the detriment of the Individual or Freedom. “The ties that bind” are a cultural/societal phenomenon more than a biological one IMO.
Great post. I see a lot of truth and empowerment in it. I’m glad someone said it.
Posted by Diana on July 31, 2010 at 4:21 pm
“Family is one of those concepts that I believe is heavily romanticized in our culture. We’re coming out of that as generations move away from a “traditional family” with clear gender roles, the necessary reproduction amounting to 2.5 kids and the demonstration of wealth with the perfect house with the perfect picket fence. Though the images change, the illustrated feeling or concept of Family is still romanticized. And this may still be to the detriment of the Individual or Freedom. “The ties that bind” are a cultural/societal phenomenon more than a biological one IMO. ”
This is so true.
Posted by AboundingJoy on March 31, 2010 at 6:50 pm
Amazingly insightful…again. Thanks for sharing your gift, John. You are, indeed, a blessing.
Posted by Julie Mitchell on April 8, 2010 at 8:16 pm
Iv read some of these posts with tears falling down my face, i found this site by accident , awake at 4am!
feeling i am about to break free from the torment of rejection and abuse iv experienced from my mother and father since a small child, youngest of six, broken, disfunctional. i became a christian at 16 years old, rescued quite literally from the jaws of hell.
i can relate to the emotional pain people have described here, and enough is enough, no more of this kind.
iv learnt that love has to be accepted from god and then directed at myself.
iv tried for so many many years to get my mother to love me and accept me, and sometimes it would seem like she did briefly but it always was highly conditional manipulative , it never lasted and the more i loved God the worse she was, some sometimes i would compromise even my faith to please her. i would forgive her over and over and then reject myself and launch into self destructive behaviour. i have been in this cycle for years, the last grenade she threw at me 5 years ago was to move town, stop speaking to me, lie to all my siblings about me so they all hate me. shes rejected both of my kids too. christmas holidays and birthdays i find hard to cope with. so iv cancelled my birthdays for good. i dont need the reminders im not loved and never have been by my parents, my mother is on her 3rd marriage now, in her 60s.
you know i agree sometimes its too much we have to accept the truth rather than keep holding on to a dream. let go let god love me and try to love myself instead of feeling like im gonna die any second . i just wanna get on with my life despite what shes done or not done to me.
Posted by Martha on April 9, 2010 at 7:17 am
John, you may be my new hero. I came across your post on the Huffington Report and I am glad to read you now, particularly this post. This is exactly the work I am doing 1:1 w/my therapist, right now. Exactly. My mom is was an emotionally and physically abusive drug addict and alcoholic who abandoned my 4 siblings and me for good when I was 12. My siblings & I were products of affairs (and 1 of us from a one night stand, Mom didn’t catch the guy’s name) so there were no fathers in the picture, ever. And yet I still find myself saying things like “it wasn’t so bad” and “lots of kids had it worse than me” and “I should just get over it already”. My mom is 80 and in very poor health b/c of years of self abuse (when she dropped alcohol & drugs she took up overeating). She came to live near me so I could reconnect w/her and take care of her. I felt bad that she had been abused as a kid and wanted to forgive the wrong done to me and help her heal the wrong done to her…lofty goals. I became unbelievable depressed and couldn’t care for her or even visit her. I never thought I would be THAT person, the person who lives in the same town with their elderly, sick mother and would not go to see them. But I am that person and I am learning how it is a healthy good thing for me with the help of a wonderful therapist. I’m 48 years old and am still learning about what was/is true for me, my core beliefs. Facing this truth has made me look at other truths in my life and I’m still going through this process. I feel more worried than liberated at the moment but I do see how brave I am for keeping up the exploration for truth and authenticity. I see that I am brave – that is a positive thought about myself. They are, happily, become less rare. I’m glad to know you and read you. And thank you.
Posted by Wrensis on May 9, 2010 at 8:01 am
How about we reject our self centered, emotionly abusive children who work at causing pain because they percieve less than perfect childhoo?
At 47 it is time to grow up.
Posted by Diana on July 31, 2010 at 4:30 pm
Wrensis: How about we reject our self centered, emotionly abusive children who work at causing pain because they percieve less than perfect childhoo?
At 47 it is time to grow up.
There’s less than perfect and then there’s down right abusive–and there’s someplace between the two. I suppose there are “adult children” who are “self-centered and emotionally abusive” because their parents turned out to be, God forbid, human. But the majority of the stories I’ve read in this post, including the one Wrensis commented on, seem to be from people whose childhoods were closer to the “downright abusive” side than the “slighly less than perfect/human” side.
Posted by Susan on May 9, 2010 at 10:54 am
John and Martha — and everyone reading this who was abused as a child — don’t let anyone bully you out of owning your own reality and doing the hard, hard work of recovering from damage done to you when you were too young to defend yourself or even understand what was happening. As my therapist informed me, coming to the realization that your parents did not love you is HUGE. John has done a masterful job of explaining why.
To those who cite the Bible quote about honoring your father and mother, here are a couple more, straight from Jesus:
Mark 10:29 Jesus said, ‘Truly I tell you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields, for my sake and for the sake of the good news, who will not receive a hundredfold now in this age—houses, brothers and sisters, mothers and children, and fields, with persecutions—and in the age to come eternal life
Matthew 12:47-50 Someone told him, ‘Look, your mother and your brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you.’ But to the one who had told him this, Jesus replied, ‘Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?’ And pointing to his disciples, he said, ‘Here are my mother and my brothers! For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.’
Something to think about.
Posted by Robert D. Meek, Jr. on May 10, 2010 at 2:16 pm
First, let me say that the man I grieved for, who died at age 77, when I was 39, was not the man I grew up with; nor was the mother I grieved for, who died at age 76, when I was 40, the woman I grew up with, either.
That said, in childhood, father disdained me. I was not athletic enough to suit him. Mind you, he took scant part in raising me, deeming this mama’s job to the point that it was she who had to teach me how to throw a baseball, swing a bat, & she who had to take on my sex education, as well.
They did not have a good marriage, although the “typical” things were absent from the negativity of it. He was a good provider, did not drink, & was not physically abusive, but there were moments of questionable fidelity, & we grew up realizing he did not honor, nor love, our mother, as we expected him to do.
Consequently, throughout my teenage years, & 20s, I hated him, with a seething rage. I did all I could to be anything but him. He drove Chevy, GM, Olds, then I drove Ford, Nissan. He had Sears credit, I had J C Penney. On it went, nothing but our shared name, which did not thrill me at all.
I was never capable of disowning them, despite efforts.
Nor should I have, as they were truly loving scared parents, terrified about their son’s eternal destiny, & reacting with panic.
Not that I didn’t try, more than once.
In my 30′s, after his apology, I learned that I truly did love my father, that I could, did, & wanted to forgive him for those years of snide derision & put-downs.
This December 5, it will be 14 years father has been gone. This August 4, it will be 12 years mama has been gone. This past March, it became 7 years that my one and only sibling, sister, has been gone.
Some days it seems like yesterday.
Not a day goes by that I don’t miss them.
Birthdays, and holidays, I miss them more. Not so much so on the anniversary of their deaths.
Posted by Diana on July 31, 2010 at 4:33 pm
“First, let me say that the man I grieved for, who died at age 77, when I was 39, was not the man I grew up with; nor was the mother I grieved for, who died at age 76, when I was 40, the woman I grew up with, either.”
This is such an important truth. Thank you for sharing it.
Posted by Thorn on June 13, 2010 at 2:53 pm
Today my FATHER was yelling @ me
Posted by Robert Meek on June 14, 2010 at 11:00 am
I had a Significant Other who was molested as a child. It affected everything he said, did, and thought. All of his life. To say he had “trust issues” is an understatement. He felt vulnerable to everyone, everything. He did the “consider yourself an orphan” idea per a psychologist. It didn’t work. Every Mother’s Day he would writhe in guilt that he was being a bad son by not going to his mother, despite his past with his family. He even literally stomped on while raging at his father’s grave. His exact words were “It did no good.”
I believe some people cannot heal.
I have a dear friend who seems happy in drama, and misery. She has forever wailed and whined about her mother’s inadequacies, her father abusing her, and so on. An adult of 40, I listed to her howl about why couldn’t her mother be like her mother-in-law. This woman, in her 60s, she thinks suddenly should, could, will, change? No, but she howls about it, and rages.
I find her doing exactly what she criticized her mother about, with her kids. I confront her. In fury, she says, “Well, that’s how my MOTHER did it!” as if that makes it all of the sudden okay, this woman whom she is excessively critical of, as her mother, for what she deems a horrible childhood.
We have gone round and round and round on these things, over the years.
Worst of all, to me, for me, is when she rages “I must be meant to be unhappy!” She literally blames God, and when I confront her how dare she say such a thing, her excessively tart snarl is, “Well, I am (that miserable)!” Therefore, she deduces if she is that miserable, that is proof that God means for her to be miserable, that He has condemned her to a life of misery.
My point, again, some people are so damaged….they cannot heal.
Posted by Cath on July 31, 2010 at 1:48 pm
I hope to stop struggling with these issues in my head. Last year I stepped away from contact with my parents to take care of myself. My parents are elderly which made this very hard for me to do as I am in a “caring”profession and am a compassionate person. Unfortunately the dysfunctional and abusive basis from which the family has always operated is vibrant as ever. Father’s history is that of physical and verbal abuse, thinly veiled inappropriate sexual innuendo and actions toward me as child and adult with forays in and out of alcoholism. He is a retired policeman who is very savvy in his use of terrorizing, threatening, gun-toting, bullying practices. My mother is the perfect frightened vic, (rightly so under his reign of abuse) who has spent a life-time presenting the lovely family dog-and-pony-show front to satisfy her abusive husband while losing any self respect and confidence she may have had over the years. Ironically everyone in the small town we lived in as “family” was aware of his abuses and kept mum – he was a cop afterall. I spent many nights as a child trying to drown out the sounds of my mother being beaten in their bedroom and her begging for him to stop. I was forced to witness him beating my sister relentlessly because I tattled on her innocently as a little sister might in a normal family for doing something as mundane as riding my mom’s bike in the driveway. These are just an example of many terrorizing incidents involving cuts, bruises and broken bones. We were all very afraid of him. I stood up to my father finally when I was 37 and married. He let himself into our home at night and scared us all while were were watching a movie in our media room. This is a man who would shoot an intruder in his home. He thought it was no big deal – of course he has never respected anyone else’s privacy, etc. Completely shaken, I told him we’d appreciate the courtesy of a phone call before he came over (which is absolutely expected at his home) & that he had scared us. His response was that he would come over whenever he d…. well pleased or never come again. Well since I did not concur he disowned me my son and husband for the next several years. He also retaliated by sending a letter describing my sister and I as whores and stating he’d not mind seeing us both dead – this letter was filed with the local PD. I did not hear from these people again until my husband was dying seven years ago. I was vulnerable and let them back in. During this “reunion” it came to my attention that they did not accept my son as part of the family. My mom did not consider my son her grandson and really wasn’t interested in any involvement with him . How does one process that? I adopted my son at age 1 and raised him – he is MY son. He was my husband’s biological son. My husband’s first wife and my son’s biological mom died a month after my son was born of breast cancer. When the criticisms, manipulations, indifference to my son, surveillance of my phone calls, demands that I check in with them (I’m 56 yrs old!) inappropriate sexual comments when mom was out of the room, telling my mom she can’t go on planned outings with me the day before when I’ve arranged time off, bought tickets, etc, hearing her tell me how awful he is to her still and her unwillingness to do anything about it – he is absolutely dependent on her for everything now, I had to back away. Nothing I do is enough. One minute my mom is telling me how horrible he is (like she always has) and the next minute she is bragging about how many years she’s been married and how everything is “just fine!” I gave her all the information I could find regarding resources for abused women in the community and told her I had to severe contact for my own mental health. These are people who consider themselves Christians!
YET – I feel guilty for “abandoning” them and am always looking for ways to make this better. How long will it take for me to GET I can’t change them. I want to be happy!
Thank you for this chance to speak I’m trying to remember a famous quote from an Auschwitz survivor It is wise to forgive and remember
It is a fool who forgives and forgets…