It is my firm conviction that the number one reason people are unhappy in life is because they refuse to believe that when they were kids their parents either flat-out didn’t love them, or loved them in a way that was so deeply tweaked it amounted to the same thing as not loving them.
It’s also my belief that the reason people refuse to accept the truth that when they were kids their parents treated them awfully is grounded in the fact that as very young children they instinctively grasped how terribly vulnerable their parents not loving them made them.
We spend the first years of our lives utterly dependent upon our parents for virtually everything we need to survive. If they don’t choose to give us what we need, we perish. I think that’s a basic fact of life that all humans understand pretty early into the big game o’ life.
And so children born to crappy parents do virtually the only thing they can do, which is to immediately, absolutely and without question convince themselves that, despite all the evidence to the contrary, their parents really are good, caring people who really do love them.
Having parents who really do love you = an outstanding chance of you surviving.
Having parents who obviously don’t love you = you probably won’t make it.
That’s not much of a choice, is it? And so most (and I would even argue all) children “decide” that, come hell or high water, their parents, no matter how much information they’re getting to the contrary, really do love them. In the choice between what is true, and what needs to be true, what needs to be true inevitably wins.
And so children born into unhappy families begin to build their lives upon a lie.
And as surely as one day follows the next, children who are forced to build their lives upon a truth they can’t possibly face turn into adults whose lives are built upon a truth they can’t possibly face. And so as adults people who had unhappy childhoods continue their suffering: they’re angry; they’re forever imagining themselves victims; they’re easily upset; their relationships don’t work. In short, they have no idea who they are. They don’t know who they are, because the core truth of who they are was lost in the lie they had to live — which is to say, very often, in the person they were essentially forced to become — in order to as effectively as possible deal with the threatening dynamics of their dysfunctional family life.
Adults who are lost and unhappy in life have a simple, terrible choice to make. They must either accept the fact that their parents didn’t love them — which is tantamount to utterly and completely rejecting their parents — or they must continue to live lost and unhappy lives.
They either toss their parents off their shoulders, or they continue to sink with their parents strapped to their back. That’s the choice waiting to be made by every adult who was raised in a psychologically unhealthy family.
And what people almost always choose is continuing to go down with their parents strapped to their back. And they make that “choice” for a perfectly understandable reason: it’s still in their mind — it’s still in their heart; it still defines the psychological paradigm of the only life they’ve ever known — that rejecting their parents means they themselves must be rejected. They’re continuing to operate within the context of their initial, original paradigm — and all too dearly paying the price for it.
If you are unhappy in life — if no matter what you do, say, think, or believe, you’re still dogged by this feeling that something fundamental just isn’t right with you or your life — then do yourself a favor, and give some thought to the idea that you have or had Genuinely Lousy parents. That maybe it’s not you. That maybe it’s them. That maybe it’s always been them.
That maybe the reason you’re so burdened is that you’re carrying around weight that doesn’t, or shouldn’t, belong to you.
If you’re regularly dogged by a sense of unhappiness or anxiety, just try on the thought that your parents were awful, that they were in no way emotionally or psychologically prepared to have children.
Go ahead. Give it a shot. In the privacy of your own mind, really reject your parents. Scream at them. Blame them. See them for the sorry, ill-equipped losers they were.
Banish them from your heart.
Walk away from them.
Let ‘em die.
It won’t kill you. I promise.
As the one and only Jesus put it, “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
![John Shore on The Huffington Post](http://johnshore.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/huffpost.jpg?w=120 "John Shore on The Huffington Post\")
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This article is serendipitous, very affirming on my thoughts for today. I just completed a series of emails with a very good friend about how sad I feel without positive responses from my family every stage of life. Now as a grandmother, I still feel sad about the distant relationships we have together. Little effort is put into building relationships in my family. There were dysfunctional roles in my family (absent, hypercritical, or uninvolved father and sibling, with an alcoholic mother). When I was less than 12 yo, I regularly prayed for different parents because I needed attention and love. I was starving and knew it. No self-help reading was done, no soap operas to watch and suggest to me, no TV show talk hosts educating me as to what healthy families look like. And yet, I knew – and I knew it was not me that needed replacing. Didn’t get my prayers answered, by the way. Learned the 10 commandments, live by them, and get the bottom line of the article to be – stop the self-centeredness about others behaviors and their thinking is somehow about me. And since I cannot change others but myself, then I need to quit trying to change the past. My parents lacked the tools and skills to raise me. They did housekeeping duties, that’s it. So, my happiness will come when I change my perspective (it doesn’t have to deny reality). No wonder I don’t understand my relationship in the family – we don’t have one.
I believe in me; and what will make me happy. Taking a perspective that does not make me suffer, helps.
Look, mine did not have TV, were post-war, did the best they could for a couple wrongly matched and since becoming a born again Christian have forgiven totally. Good subject John it will always get a good response.
John,
Passed this post on to my wife and she seemed to have an epiphany of some sort. She sent me an e-mail back followed by a "thanks" with exclamation points.
Meanwhile, we "reject our parents" – where does that leave someone? Free – but for what? What or who do we base our self esteem on?
It's just in our nature for most not to be comfortable with how we view ourselves and to try and base our esteem outside ourselves.
My thought leads to the only being greater than my parents – God.
God's love for me and desire for relationship seems the closest to unconditional love and acceptance as I can find.
To me, that in turn leads to a "healthy" self-esteem where I am "in touch with my inner loser" and yet know I have value in God's eyes – and I need that. Everyone needs that.
Thanks again, John.
-Sam
Amen.
Mhogue: Wrong. Read it again.
Cheryl: Thank you. For what it's worth, I didn't write this on the heels of my father's visit because I'm in any way conflicted or unresolved relative to my feelings about him–though of course I knew it was absolutely bound to seem that way. Instead, I wrote this because I know a lot of people DO have unresolved issues around their parents. I've been honing this Theory of Relativity since I was about eight; my wife and I have been working on it for 25+ years. I would say that knowing this stuff–this particular stuff–is some of the hardest won, most precious knowledge I have. I figured this was a good time to share it. You toss it out; the wind blows it away. Still. I figured one, maybe two people might hear it. Good enough.
That's harsh, John.
Hey, guys. These comments are fantastic: sensitive, articulate, honest. Wonderful stuff. I’m so sorry I haven’t had time to address each individually; they’re all so trenchant.
Ross: Without question it’s true, as you suggest, that such affairs as we’re here discussing DO go better with God. A religious conversion followed by therapy with a Christian counseler (depending, of course, on the quality of the counselor) sounds positively ideal to me.
Tuesday: Perfect. What a wonderful thing you’ve said. I’m really, really grateful to you for sharing this. It’s … exactly right.
Taryn: Wonderful. Outstanding. It’s amazing the thought it’s clear you’ve already given all this. It’s so refreshing and inspiring to know you’ve already done so much of this kind of emotional work.
Elizabeth: WOW! Another journey undertaken with courage and resloved with understanding. This is just … experience talking, you can tell. Thanks to you, too, for taking the time to share this with us.
Christelle: Thank YOU! (You’ve got a great blog, too; I went and visited it. It’s got a really sweet vibe.)
Thank you so much for posting this! I needed to hear it!
This is interesting, coming just after your own father's visit. Having read some of the earlier posts about your childhood, I imagine in the day or two since he's left, you feel like one of those old pinball machines — blinking and whirring as all sorts of good and bad emotions and memories ricochet through you. "Lost ball. A thousand points! Lost ball. Bonus time!"
I am not a Christian … exactly … and sometimes read your blog to hone my internal debate about faith — but regardless of party affiliation, what you have written today will salve many wounds.
Good point, John. I was born to teenage parents — very young, with very little life experiences when I came along. (For most of my childhood through young adulthood, I had all sorts of significance issues… I could never even accept that God loved me unconditionally — much less my folks. And I blamed myself for being the cause of their issues. It wasn't until seven years ago that I finally resolved that this was their issue, not mine. And once that was behind me, I think I could finally accept that I was loved unconditionally by others… and most especially by God.
Yes, Ric, thank you: That is what I’m saying. I actually don’t think it’s possible to “forgive” anyone until you’ve utterly grasped the nature of their offense. I don’t find in any way incompatible thoroughly understanding (which is a term I prefer to “forgiving” ) what and why our parents did whatever they did, and refusing to accept their dysfunction as your own. I love my father, for instance. I’ve honored him. I’ve thanked him. If there’s anything in this world the man knows, it’s that I love and respect him. But at the same time, privately, in my own heart, I’ve made sure to ensure that what’s mine is mine, and what’s his is his.
Hey John, Thanks. I think so many go through so life thinking or believing that neglectful or abusive parents are loving and caring. Greta, I think is onto step 2 or 6 with forgiveness and yes, absolutely, I agree with restoration. However, I think your post is directed toward those who are still be in denial and as such may be passing the pain onto others.
This post hit me hard. In college I decided to change my major (I ended up double-majoring). They were livid, and told me I was throwing my life away and they would not support me anymore if I decided to continue (I wanted to major in Children's Ministry). When this happened, I realized something. My parents have shown their love by buying things. They can be distant and unattached all they want, but when us kids needed something, they were right there to give it to us. Even now, I still think before I do something big, "Would my parents approve of this?"
I thought my parents were good growing up, but through the years I've realized how distant they were. And I'm finally starting to realize I need to let some baggage off…2 bags of a dad and mom. Thanks for posting this…at least one person needed to read it.
John, I agree to a point . . . however, there is another side! Three uncles sexually violated me….biological father deserted me and emotionally empty step-dad diminshed me with words like ‘stupid-never amount -to-anything’ predictions! Mother was seldom there…dressmaking for the rich ladies in the city. In my young head, men were mean! Women were indiffferent! Predictable conditions for raising a dysfunctional child, wouldn’t you say?
When I turned 45 my mother told me how her grandfather had raped her many times, and beat and sodomized his son(my grandfather), into an angry wimp. When Grandpa’s sons (my uncles) were born, he did to them what his father had done to him, and they in turn did it to me.
When I heard that story about those abusive uncles…..my heart broke with compassion for them. They had been acting out of their own faulty training/example when they tore me apart. Dysfunction breeds dysfunction. Somewhere in the generational line-up, there has to be someone with forgivenenss in their heart. Otherwise, why did Jesus die? I am so totally healed of the painful memories. They are still there, but there is no malice any more. And when I met my step-father’s people in the country from which he came, I totally understood why he was like he was…. forgiveness came easier…he was like he was, because that is how his parent’s acted towards him. For sixty years he rejected them. He went back only after they had died. He hadn’t learned or taken the time to understand the ‘why’s of their verbal mean-ness towards him and his siblings.
That is my heart towards dysfunctional parents…they suffer from generational dysfunction! They need healing too…and forgiveness is the balm of peace they need. Blessings!
Andy: Very nice. That’s right: It’s just as important for us to acknowledge the good our parents have done us as it is to properly processs the … less good.
Lindsey: I’m very grateful to you for “cluttering” my blog with your thoughtful, kind, God-centered comments. Clutter away here, please.
I believe that the number two reason people are so unhappy in life is they fail to accept that their parents loved them deeply and made a lot of sacrifices for the sake of their children out of love. Sure, they made mistakes – haven’t we all – but my challenge to you, whoever is reading this, is to say thank you to your parents before it is too late. Tell them you love them and really appreciate all the times they’ve gone without, just so that you can have a nice Christmas present or a holiday. Accept them! Love them!
Vicki: It’s about rethinking what “honoring” means. Honor doesn’t always mean acceptance or obedience. Take, for example, if someone has a parent who is an atheist and an alcoholic. How, then, are they to be honored?
Part of “honoring” my parents, for me, is becoming as pure and holy a person as I can, even when at times that is at odds with the way I was raised and what my parents would request of me. I find it interesting that the commandment says “Honor thy father and mother that it may go well with thee.” If it’s not going well with thee, time to reevaluate.
I think we can reject the way in which our parents raised us and reevaluate if they were giving us true love or selfish love without dishonoring them. It’s like if a friend offers you a dish you don’t like. You can say, “no, thanks” without rejecting your friend outright. You can still love the things they offer you that are good and honor the friendship. Grown-up love means loving your way around the flaws and rejecting the sin.
(Sorry for cluttering your blog, John, this one just hits a sore spot!)
Vicki: Of course it’s a matter that takes considerable spiritual, intellectual, and emotional discernment. The bottom line, I think, is to be sure to honor your parents, right up to the point where “honoring” them means dishonoring yourself. If you dishonor yourself, you dishonor God. So we all have to find where that line is, and be sure to walk it.
Well, this certainly made me think alot, anyway.
I agree with you that some people need to simply let go of their parents – to sever physical and emotional ties, because they aren't getting anything positive at all from the relationship and likely never will. I might disagree with you (although it's hard to tell obviously from a single brief post) on the numbers and the extent to which this situation exists in our society.
I think one of the things that people get hung up on is this idea of unconditional love. That is, people tend to see relationships with family, and parent/child relationships in particular, in a "they love me unconditionally" or "they don't love me at all" way. I'm not sure if I'm explaining this well at all, but basically I think if your situation with your parents is troubled, it might be helpful to throw out loaded and romantic words like "love". When I stopped wondering about "love" in our family and instead focused on the different types of bonds and attatchments we had formed (and I do believe almost every family, no matter how dysfuntional will have strong attatchments – it just happens when people are together for extended periods of time, though they aren't always positive or healthy), it helped me see things more clearly as well as feel better about where we are as a family.
But anyway, yeah. I think we as a society hang on to this idea that there's something sacred, magical or mystical almost about family/blood. Family relationships are pretty damn strong, yes, but not for those reasons. If your family really is doing you no good, it's okay to acknowledge that and move on (and away from them). You don't have to, but it's a completely valid option.
John, have you been watching some George Carlin?
"•HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER.
This commandment is about obedience and respect for authority; in other words it's simply a device for controlling people. The truth is, obedience and respect should not be granted automatically. They should be earned. They should be based on the parents' (or the authority figure's) performance. Some parents deserve respect. Most of them don't. Period."
John- I agree with you that moving past your parents is not dependent upon giving yourself to Christ. I also agree that it is psychological work. I should have mentioned that sis has gone the therapist route as well and just the last year stopped taking anti-depressants because of weight gain. I guess the way I look at it is if either route, secular or Christian, has the ability to change one for the better, (although personally I have yet to know someone who has gone the psychologist route and come out the better for it, but that's just my anecdotal experience and I'm sure others have had different) for me, I would hope for conversion as it offers life eternal as well as present betterment. The best situation would be conversion followed by therapy with a Christian psychologist such as your buddy Arterburn.
Would you not agree that probably most Psychologists/Psychiatrists hold to a framework that is incompatible with the Biblical view of man – mainly that he is sinful from birth and that all his problems are due to this fact as well as the fact that everybody that has been in his life from birth are sinful.
Just remembered something. A year and half before my conversion, I myself was seeing a therapist. I needed help as my life was a wreck. I accepted Christ by myself in my room via a tract given to me. I knew something changed within me, so much so that I told the therapist during the next session that I didn't need to see her anymore although many of the things that plauged me continued to. I had a hope and something in me (Holy Spirit) that I didn't have previously. Anyway, the therapist never provided any effective help…Xanax included. I mean she did her best but the human mind/soul is beyond complex and the wisdom of man (or woman in this case) wasn't enough. Applying Biblical principles with God's help has served me well. In my case, religious faith WAS necessary in this difficult process.
Wow. All this time I thought I was a narcissistic ass. And it’s not my fault! It’s not my fault! (Go with that..) It’s not my fault!
It’s Mac’s fault.
It’s so liberating to know I don’t have to be responsible for my behavior or thoughts any more.
Ross: I'm not sure why you felt this piece wouldn't be good for your sister; it seems to me it would be. Anyway, I didn't structure this dynamic in such a way as to make it dependent upon giving oneself to Christ because I don't think succesfully moving past your parents is dependent upon Christ. This is strictly PSYCHOLOGICAL work; it can happen without reference to any religion at all. Christianity can HELP one in this process, for sure: No one believes that more than I. But it's not NECCESSARY to the process. I think we're too often too quick to believe that only Christ can do for us what, in the end, we must each do for ourselves. You don't have to be a Christian to release yourself of the generations of pain inherited from your parents. It's EXCELLENT to have a religious faith to aide you in that very difficult process, but it's hardly necessary.
John,
Thanks for another great post. But I came upon this truth while reading (almost reluctant to plug this again but it was really helpful and you and Steve Arterburn deserve it) MM4M.
What concerns me most these days comes from the other end of the spectrum – why did I want children? Am I being the parent to them God wants me to be?
Someday, will my children NEED to reject me – or just the memories of when I failed them?
-Sam
I think Greta got it right – she realized that those who treated her badly themselves were treated the same and so on and so on back to Adam and Eve.
My sister and I came from a dysfunctional background (original parents divorced, then both parents had divorces again). We both have "baggage" that is attendant to these situations. The difference between us now, (I'm 37/She's 42) is that I came to know Jesus Christ when I was 21. He gave me new life and showed me how to live a life of joy and victory (not that I have always followed His leading and honestly it's often a tough slog to do what he asks) and the older I get the more the baggage falls away and the character of Christ takes its place.
My sister is bitter about her childhood and blames the travail of her adult life on it. I've tried to get through to her that I agree but the only solution is to forgive and move on. I've told her what Jesus has done for me and that He'll do the same for her, but she's not interested so nothing changes in her life.
I also have 4 step brother and sisters; all with similar backgrounds to me and my sister. Everyone of them is broken in some way: Divorces, children out of wedlock, emotional problems, etc. To paint a clearer background, we came from an upper middle class family and most have a college degree. Looking back to the time right before I accepted Christ, any observer would have thought I would have been the least likely to succeed…and I would have agreed. But now, 16 years later, after having been a Christian all those years, I'm the only one that (at least from the outside) has a life that appears whole; Married 8 years with two kids teaching Sunday school at Church. The difference between me and them is Jesus. Strongholds have been broken in my life that remain in there's.
John- I thought you're post was going to end with how only Christ can redeem the carnage done in child hood and was considering sending this to my sister, but when I came to the end and found no such appeal, I thought this is the last thing my sister needs to read. Perhaps there are others who are perplexed at the decisions that they repeatedly make and can see that there is correlation between their childhood and who they are now, but I don't that knowledge will be of any benefit unless they come to put it behind them…hopefully with the help of the Lord.
Yeah–and of course I knew it would be a touchy subject for a lot of people. I almost didn't publish this piece. But then I wanted to, in case it was something that someone who's unhappy might benefit from. So many people are just stuck in that whole, "My mom and dad were GREAT!" thing, when that isn't the case at all.
I grew up with alcoholic parents, 5 siblings. I am a middle child. I was not a favorite. I accepted that they did not love me the way I wanted or needed and I let them go; I did not quit loving them, but I knew that it was unhealthy for me to continue any kind of close association with them. I loved them for as long as they lived. Since becoming a Christian, I have also forgiven them. Forgiveness is possible with Jesus. I think one doesn't necessarily have to understand the background, the "whys and hows", in order to forgive someone. Greta, I'm glad you understand and forgive your parents. And Lindsey, I agree, we have to convey that love and joy of God to others as much as we can. Thanks John, this seems to be a touchy subject with a lot of people.
I understand where you're coming from on this, but still I have trouble accepting any type of rejection of parents when God plainly said "Honor your father and mother that your days may be long upon the earth'. Can you continue to honor your father and mother after rejecting them?? Or do you mean to reject their actions….hating the sin, but not the sinner?
I've experienced recently how God is the source of love and joy, not the earthly relationships I tend to rely on for my happiness. Maybe there's a better way to help those who are suffering from dysfunctional family life with bad childhood memories. I'm sure that's what you want to do, but your expressing it in this way makes me uncomfortable as a Christian trying to live a Spirit-filled and godly life.
It's okay to honor them, even love them. Just love and honor them from over there.
Yeah, that's so perfectly true. And very well said. That's it, exactly. It's so … weird, basically, how often people have so CLEARY based their conception and experiences with God on whatever experience they had with their parents. You've said it just right.
Here's something else to add: That by rejecting the failings of your earthly father, you no longer have to reconcile the reality of "bad earthly dad" with "good Heavenly Dad"! It's hard for people to accept the father-love of God when you think of father-love as distance or cruelty or detached from your own needs. Once you realize that true father-love (or even mother-love) has nothing to do with what you experienced in your childhood, you can achieve a much greater intimacy with God.
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