Candace, a reader from Wisconsin, wrote to tell me of her conversion experience. It’s as moving as anything like it I’ve ever read. Here’s what she had to say:
Heading into 2007, I was in miserable shape. I had been a heavy drinker for 25 years. I had abandoned a 20-year career in a hospital laboratory in 2002, and had lost all of my savings in a failed business venture. It had become increasingly difficult for me to hold a job for more than a year at a time. I had a gambling problem, and was struggling under more than $25,000 in credit card debt and past-due bills. Unable to make my mortgage payments, the loss of my home and everything in it was imminent. I was depressed and hopeless, angry and cynical. I was irresponsible in every way, and I both pitied and hated myself.
I had some wonderful friends, but little appreciation for them. It had been years since anyone visited my home (and had they come, I would not have allowed them in). Family relationships were strained, pretty much across the board, to varying degrees.
I had, over the years, taken a ‘Whitman’s sampler’ approach to spirituality, but nothing ever seemed to stick. What little I knew of the Bible and of Christian living was grossly distorted or (I now know) flat-out wrong. The whole notion of God seemed unintelligible to me — stupid, fairytale-ish, anti-intellectual, nothing but a crutch for people who couldn’t figure out how to live life on their own.
Shortly after the New Year, I learned of the tragic death of a dear young friend. Olivia, nine years old, and her father had gone through the ice on a local lake, and Olivia had drowned. While struggling to cope with that devastating loss, I was also growing a new friendship, with one of those sort of people who has something about them that you know is different, but that you can’t quite name. On February 11th of last year, I e-mailed my new friend some questions I had about God. He answered in ways that spoke to me, and added two great bits of advice: “Just talk to God while you putter around the house, like he was your buddy,” and “Find out if there’s a Christian radio station in your area.” So, feeling foolish, awkward and decidedly unsteady, I began talking to God and listening to others talk about God.
On February 16th, I wrote an e-mail to my friend telling him I had polished off a bottle of vodka the night before, and I was going to try and drive home without buying another. In response he asked me to write and let him know when I got home, even if I did stop for more. I made it home without stopping, and my friend kept me company via e-mail throughout a very rough weekend, as I detoxed from decades of alcohol abuse. I also spent a lot of time that weekend talking to God as if He was my friend, and I kept my radio on and tuned to the local Christian radio station around the clock. (I do want to warn people not to ever detox at home alone. It was rough. Really, really rough. Knowledgeable medical people since have told me it’s only by the grace of God that I survived it.)
The following Tuesday morning, while driving home from a pet-sitting visit, I was suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. I started sobbing, and had to pull over to the side of the road because I was unable to continue driving. I wept and wept, babbling nonsensically to God between sobs. Once I was done crying, I felt entirely different. I didn’t understand exactly what had happened, but I knew my whole world had changed for the better.
When I got home, I went directly to the computer and wrote down the things I had said to God in the car, and called it the Cynic’s Prayer:
OK, God, I give up. I’m Yours if You want me.
I don’t care how awkward I might feel talking to You, or about You.
I don’t care how much trouble I have accepting some of the teachings.
I don’t care that my entire former self-image was wrapped up in the “party girl” persona.
I don’t care if some Christian music is treacle and the lyrics contrived.
I don’t care what havoc may have been wrought in Your name in the past, or what may be in the future.
I don’t care if some of Your flock seem hypocritical or self-righteous or sanctimonious.
I don’t care if there are times when I can’t feel Your presence.
I don’t care if loving You means I have to at least attempt to love myself.
I don’t care if friends roll their eyes and laugh at my conversion.
I don’t care if I feel like a faker sometimes, and I don’t care if it’s harder to do Your will than it would be to follow my own desires, and I don’t care if I’m less than perfect at it.
None of that matters. I give up. I want You. And I’m Yours, if You want me.
It was probably a week or so before it actually dawned on me that I had been born again.
As I write this, I have been sober for 15 months. I attend two or three recovery meetings a week, and will do so for the rest of my life. The people I have met in recovery are just amazing, and words that I used to choke on — “Hi, I’m Candy, and I’m an alcoholic” — now come easily at the beginning of each meeting because of the wonderful examples I see all around me. I have not struggled, for even one moment, with any desire at all to have a drink. It seems that God has lifted that burden and healed me.
Right away, both my new friend, Jon, and a long-time friend, Bill (who is a Baptist minister), began encouraging me to find a church family. In “weakness and fear and with much trembling,” I began visiting God at His house a couple of weeks before Easter, and it didn’t take long before I was looking forward to Sunday each week. That November, I became a member of my church, and I was baptized on the first anniversary of my sobriety, with Jon, Bill, and many other friends and church family members in attendance.
Every day I am in my Bible and spending time in prayer. I have an insatiable appetite for the Word, and am growing steadily in my relationship with the Lord. I take classes at church, and listen to and read all kinds of stuff about knowing and loving God and living a Christian life. Concepts and ideas I could never understand — indeed, that I thought were ridiculous! — are now as clear as a bell, and it’s hard to comprehend how I could have missed them before.
I never gamble anymore, haven’t for months, and I’m working with a volunteer financial counselor from my church to learn how God wants me to handle money. I did not lose my home after all, and my finances are getting better all the time. God has blessed me in big ways in that regard.
Through Christ, my life now holds things I hadn’t known for a very long time, if ever: hope, peace, humility, perseverance, contentment, self-control, joy, courage, strength. And a love that is totally beyond my capability to express.
The process of identifying, confessing, and repenting of my sins has been difficult. It’s still a work in progress, actually, and no doubt — being human — it will never end. That’s what we humans do, isn’t it? We sin. But the Holy Spirit really does help me go through that process, and crying helps a lot too. I used to do everything I could to avoid crying whenever possible. Now I just run a hot bath and let the tears flow. It hurts worse to hold all of that back than it does to just walk forward through it, especially when you walk with the right company.
The power and beauty of what Jesus did for me on the cross just overwhelms me. It’s almost too much to absorb, and my gratitude for it brings me to my knees. Because of Him, I know that God loves me, and has made me His child, and has forgiven me and will continue to have patience with me while I learn how to live His way. Looking back, I can see that He has always loved me, always wanted me, but it was up to me to let Him in.
One of the most amazing and delightful changes, now that I have let Him in, is how full of joy I am, even though life is still hard. My problems didn’t magically disappear. In fact, for a little while, they seemed even bigger and more overwhelming. But underneath it all, even in the most difficult times, there’s this river of joy carrying me forward, and I find rest in God’s grace and peace.
Well, there’s a whole lot more I could say. I could talk about this forever, I think! But I’ll wrap up now with two of my favorite passages from the Bible.
The first is Hebrews 12, verses 1-3:
“Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”
The second passage is from 1 Peter. Actually, all of 1 Peter is awesome — I love the whole book — but this is Chapter 2, verses 1-3:
“Therefore, putting aside all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander, like newborn babies, long for the pure milk of the word, so that by it you may grow in respect to salvation, if you have tasted the kindness of the Lord.”
I have, most certainly, tasted the kindness of the Lord.
Just out: UNFAIR: Why the “Christian” View of Gays Doesn’t Work (softcover edition; Kindle edition; NookBook edition). Like/join my Facebook page. Join the Unfundamentalist Christians.
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Aw, cool. The awesome comment (blush) above is from my dear, dear, infinitely dear friend Kristin, who is Olivia's mom. I love you guys! Thanks for loving me too
Candace you have always had an amazingly beautiful and kind soul and God in his infinite wisdom has been right with you, waiting for you to turn and look his way. Thanks for sharing all of your gifts with our family and blessing all who are fortunate enough to find this site.
Amazingly beautiful!
(blushing)
And a wonderful smile it is, too, Ric. So … spontaneous and joyful
Thank you. You have made my day (which is just starting, as I work nights).
I love reading-listening to you Candace. You make me smile.
Beth – Thank you so much for that verse. That's great! How awesome that you are in seminary. God bless that work.
Surrender has been, for me, what it is all about. What a paradox it is that by giving it all up, we gain more than we ever could have imagined. But how wonderful! And once I was able to surrender, and experienced that for real, it was just more proof. More evidence
And I said to myself (for like the 1000th time), WOW, He meant that literally!
I have given thanks innumerable times for the obviousness of my alcoholism. I am truly grateful for the lessons the Lord has taught me through it, and the "permission" granted by the label to be involved in recovery.
Thanks again for your comment and encouragement.
Calvin, sweetie, I needed a day to consider how to respond to you.
Being relatively new to this walk (16 months, this week!), I am still toddling in many ways. So my initial reaction was frankly to be irritated. (Ok, angry.) I sat with that for a bit, and let it go.
Then I looked at the way in which your dismissive, patronizing tone hurt me a little. But in doing so, I remembered those 50 years I spent living in darkness, and it occurred to me that when that is where you've always lived, you have no way of knowing what it feels like to live in the light. So there's really no way for you to comprehend what has happened to me, and understanding that, I let the hurt go, too.
Beyond the hurt and the anger, all there is for me to feel and know is my Father's love. In the interest of truth, I must tell you, unequivocally, I DID NOT get myself through. I AM NOT that strong. And you may wanna take a page out of MikeFVThinker's book, and realize that you have no legitimacy in explaining away another's experience. None.
I will not defend something that requires no defense. Unless you bring something new to the table, my end of our conversation is complete.
Linda, Jersey – Thanks so much! I love knowing that my story has meaning for you. Wonderful.
William – Apparently more of a writer than I had previously thought. If I don't start my own blog soon, I may run the risk of getting nudged off of John's (thanks for your generosity with the bandwidth, John!) Thanks for your thoughtful comment. I enjoyed it.
John – didja drop something?
Dear Candace-
Welcome to the family, indeed. Your story brought me to tears- of joy! What I want you to know is that you have something to teach even lifelong believers. I was brought up in the church, have had ups and downs and am now in seminary as a second career minister. Even so, you remind me that I must continue to surrender my image of who I am, to immerse myself in prayer and scripture- not just theology, in short to surrender all. You are very honest about the condition your were in, but remember all of us are a mess. Some of your sins were just more visible. For many of us, sin is easy to hide and deny.
Thank you for your willingness to share.
Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9
Awesome Candace great Testimony to receiving the King of Kings into your life. welcome to the family.
Candace, are you a writer? i had to go to dictionary.com twice while reading your messages. i think you have the gift. congratulations on your progress of coming to know Father in Heaven better. Candance is right you are a queen in embrio. Your father is King of Kings which makes you a princess. we all have the potential to grow to become like our Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother. we lived with them before we came to earth. They sent us off like parents sending their children to school. this life is our exam. we are being tested to see if we will do all things what so ever the Lord God will command us. He has given us all the tools we need to succeed. Father has sent His Son, our Elder Brother to provide the way to return back into our Father’s presence and inherit all that He has. He has not left us alone but speaks to us through his prophets past and present. He also speaks to us directly through revelation by the power of the Holy Ghost. these are great gifts to strengthen us against the advisary and his minions. as we have faith in Jesus Christ, repent of our sins, are baptized, recieve the Holy Ghost by the laying on of hands, and endure to the end we will be clean before Him at the Judgement Day and enter into his presence. we can live in the Celestrial Kingdon with our family resting from the cares of this world. the Melchizedek and Aaronic Priesthood authority is restored to the earth to perform the sacred ordinances. Twelve Apostles have been restored along with His church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints. I have gained a testimony of the truth of these things as I have been born again leaving a life of unhappiness behind as yourself.
thank you for your inspiration,
your brother in the Lord.
Whoops.
All,
I truly appreciate the comments, and especially the kindness in which said were given…
But I worry!
The preceding events described in this situation and the very event described after…
Psych 202…
I think in an event like this we should proceed in an abundance of caution instead of burying the person in laurel leaves until his/her spine breaks…
Nothing is solved and nothing is over. Yes, it sucks that that is the truth.
But all of us must face it if we are to help…
…Candace: You went through hell itself.
You need to know YOU GOT YOURSELF THROUGH.
YOU ARE THAT STRONG.
Love and best
–Calvin
Candace, I thank God that I got the privilege of reading your testimony! I love how you poured out your heart to God. You are right it is best to let it all out and let the tears flow. May God continue to bless you (I know He will.) and you grow closer to Him in all you do.
Yeah, you may be right on that, Ric. I had thought of it before, and actually started a blog at one time. But then after a few posts, I got all shy and awkward and felt like I didn't have much to say. Apparently, in the year or so since then … well … things have changed!
Might be time to try again.
Michele: I love how a newbie story seems to renew and energize the more mature Christians. Conversely, the wisdom and longevity of the "older" Christians can be incredibly inspiring to the newer Christians as well, trust me.
Nice how that works, eh? Almost like Someone planned it that way!
Praise God Candace! I lLOVE the cynic's prayer. Thank you for sharing. The faith that it takes to surrender to Christ for the first time is the same faith we need every day to stay in Christ.
Sometimes it puts me to shame to see the simple faith of a new believer.
Oftentimes however, us "older" Christians put off relying on God until we run into a crisis that reminds us why we came to Him in the first place. I think you're at a stage where you FEEL your desperate need of Christ everyday. Stay at the stage – don't ever "mature" into learning to do things "by yourself".
Again, thanks for sharing, may God continue to bless you!
Candace,
Your story is powerful. Thank you. And all your comments back to the folks here too… you are ahhh… blogging now too. You need to get an account and start posting!
And yes, your friend and John's book both are pretty incredible. That's a great example of "a post."
Today I finished reading John’s book “I’m OK — You’re Not” and it got me to thinking about a very dear, long-time Christian friend of mine who loved me, for years, without ever giving me the feeling he was trying to convert me. That’s my friend Bill, the Baptist minister, who I mentioned in what I wrote above. I don’t know why he put up with me, truthfully, since I was forever challenging him on everything I perceived as being wrong with religion, and especially Christianity.
I met Bill in 1999, when I hiked the last 50 miles of the Appalachian Trail. He was completing his first thru-hike of the AT (which runs 2,000+ miles from Springer Mountain in Georgia to Mt. Katahdin in Maine), and he and another friend eventually turned that into a fulltime ministry (www.heartbeatat.com). I think he’s done 6 complete thru-hikes now, ministering to hikers along the way and preaching at various churches on Sundays when he’s in a town.
Anyway, I met him in ’99 and it wasn’t 20 minutes, I don’t think, before I challenged him on something. I forget what. He was so gracious. Over the following years of friendship, I kept it up. He never became argumentative, always took me seriously (even though sometimes I was just being a total pain in the rear) and just answered me to the best of his ability. I remember one time, I was having a hard time with life and we took a long walk on a beach in Maine. Just being testy and in a mood to provoke, I once again took a run at the whole “Christianity is sexist” canard. It was the first time I ever saw him get even a little bit frustrated. But all he said was, “Candy, I don’t think we are going to make any headway on this today, but you are asking great questions. Keep asking them, and some day someone will be able to explain it in a way that satisfies you. And when they do, you will see that far from being the issue you think it is, it’s a very balanced and beautiful thing.”
Anyway, shortly after my rebirth, he came to visit me. When I told him what had happened, he was sooooo overjoyed. He literally wept. And then he told me that he had prayed for me every single day, since the very day he met me in 1999.
Eight years. Every. Single. Day. Without me ever getting the impression from him, not once, that he was trying to evangelize me. Just loving me the way I was, and praying for me.
Pretty darned awesome.
Thanks, John, for you response to Calvin.
I might also add that a person who has had a nervous breakdown and doesn't seek medical treatment does not steadily and miraculously get better and better and BETTER.
Nope. Sorry
No nervous breakdown here, and all the healing I needed, straight from the Great Physician Himself.
God bless you, Calvin. I'll be praying for you! (I know, I know. Bad, BAD Candace. But I couldn't resist!)
Bryan. Its totally okay that you are scared of life. really, it is. And I think deep down it bugs you that life doesnt ambush you around every corner- which makes you more afraid because now you're anticipating bigger scarier things to ambush you. Thats okay.
Just, once a day- do something. Like go get a latte or something. Just 10 minutes. Do something for you. Get your down time.
And do that for a while. And when you feel up to it. Spend 20 minutes in down time. And so on. And remember that life changes, and no one always has all the control, and not all the changes are bad.
And Calvin's right. You should go out- meet people, meet things and enjoy life. Call people who can help you. Or just come to John's blog and vent at us. We love to listen and offer nifty advice.
Oh, and IMHO, maybe you should check out other religions while you're at this. Maybe being a christian isnt right for you. You should not serve a god that you fear. Talk to your local pastor, a doctor. How about friends and family? Have you talked to them?
Calvin: re your comment #34: You might want to be a little kinder, and show–even if you have to pretend it–a little more respect for the experiences of others. This is hardly a woman in dire need of medical or psychiatric care. You might want to show a little more judiciousness in your exhortations, lest you make it too easy for others to ascribe to you the same kind of ignorant, knee-jerk, boorish lack of insight or intelligence that you so readily ascribe to others. Your response to Bryan shows you're a smart, caring person. Your response to Candace, though, shows you're still addled by an insensivity, or, frankly, an immaturity that, what the heck, you might as well put some energy into losing.
So I think we’ve all learned something really precious here, which is that while God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit certainly have their place, in the end everything truly enriching and great that happens happens because of me.
At least, that’s what I’m getting out of all this. But that could just be me.
Ark, ark, ark.
Wonderful stuff, people. Really uplifting. Except for the part where I made that last joke and now have to go to hell. But besides that: fantastic. It really is an honor to host this sort of thing.
Wow, a whole new bunch of awesome comments. Thanks to all of you; each and every one. I can’t adequately express how gratifying it is to hear your thoughts and your stories and your encouragements, and know the ways in which you are touched and the Lord is glorified.
Ingrid: It is totally cool that you posted the prayer. Ever since it came to me as a gift from God, I have pledged its use back to the Lord and shared it whenever and wherever the opportunity arose (never to this big an audience before, though; yay, John!). Of course, it is right, wonderful, and much appreciated that people give credit and link back here, so others can benefit from the wealth of wisdom and encouragement to be found in the pages of Suddenly Christian. So thank you for doing that.
Candance: I was so surprised when I came across my (our) name in the Bible! Had no idea it was biblical/historical. My mom got it from a trashy romance novel (or as trashy as romance novels got in the late 1950s!). It was one of the little historicities I followed up on when I was doing my own little testing of the Bible’s accuracy too. So yeah, cool, I’m glad you wrote about that
Bryan: I took a nap this afternoon and woke up praying for you. Echoing in my ears, at the same time, were my friend Jon’s words, back when I asked him my God questions: “Just talk to God like He’s your buddy while you putter around the house.” Later on, in another context, Jon added that it really was way more than OK to be real with Him. Offer up to Him the frustration, the anger, the bewilderment, the sadness. If there’s ever a time NOT to slap on your happy face and fake wholeness and health, this would be it. God is more than big enough to take it, and He wants you to honestly share your heart with Him. At least, that’s how it has seemed to me. If I try to be all holy and perfect about it, I cannot feel God. He wants our weakness. It’s when we are naked and forlorn before Him that He can really work on us. Scary, but true. Oh, and everything John said was spot-on, at least in my experience. He’s smart :-0 Really smart. And funny, and loving, and humble, all at the same time. And not only that, he has such a sense of timing on the whole GROUP HUG thing.
K Sam: Amen, indeed. That was beautiful, and reached right out through the monitor to touch and warm my heart. Abundant blessings to you, as well.
Again, everyone, thanks for sharing and God bless you all.
PLEASE — Bryan, check yourself into a hospital right now. It's not your fault that you or your beliefs can't make you feel better, nor the drugs.
Call people. Call everyone you know. Call the local ER.
Please. Get on the phone and don't hang up until you feel better… Even if the phone you let go of is next to your hospital bed.
How can I be the only one to see this woman has had a nervous breakdown and is in dire need of medical/psychiatric attention?
What was it that happened before your breakdown? You were desperate and needed a straw to grab. Sorry for the state, but there are worse.
Own up. Don't hide in religion.
And the rest of you: you're hypocrites and the evidence is that you have Internet access. Jesus demanded that all his followers give up everything they had, including their families, to follow him.
Go! Follow! Sell everything you have to the poor!
…Ah. Sweet, selective religion…
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