- Inside all People of the Shrug
Do you have someone in your life who is absolutely incapable of getting excited about anything? Who is like a black hole of emotion, sucking all feelings around them down into their into bottomless vortex of negativity and/or apathy? Whose basic response to everything you ever tell them is to be immediately bored by it, since according to them it’s exactly like something that happened to them once, which means they already know everything you could possibly tell them about it?
Someone who’s primary response to life is to shrug and say, “Well, whaddaya gonna do?”?
Someone who just refuses to emotionally participate? Ever? About anything?
Doesn’t that person drive you insane?
If, like me, you’ve had reason to wonder about such people—why they are as they are; how they got as they are; what about being as they are works for them; what’s the effect of how they are on people whose lives are intimately related to theirs?—then, for what it’s worth, here’s just about the sum of my thoughts on such people, whom I privately think of as People of the Shrug:
People of the Shrug are profoundly emotionally spoiled. They’re two-year-olds in adult bodies. They act the way they do because they’re insisting that life now be like life was back when they were the center of their parents’ universe.
As children, People of the Shrug were spoiled within the context of a dysfunctional family. An only child in a dysfunctional family is likely to become a Shrugger.
It’s critical for People of the Shrug that nothing good ever happens to anyone, since that would destroy their pretext for never getting involved in anything, which is that nothing ever changes. Having good things happen—fresh things, new things, exciting things—forces the question of why they aren’t doing anything to make fresh, new, and exciting things happen in their or anyone else’s life. Which they will not do, since that would take the attention off of them.
Being a Shrugger works for the following reasons:
1. You’re always right. By refusing to acknowledge that anything ever changes, you’re forever proven right in your assertion that nothing ever does. You win!
2. You’re never disappointed. Being all-knowing means you can’t be surprised, because you already know everything that’s going to happen. Sure, that nothing new is under the sun means you can’t be happy or enthusiastic about anything. But it also means you can’t be disappointed. You win!
3. You get to be lazy. Why work, if nothing ever really changes anyway? You win!
4. You’re guilt-free. Since nothing ever changes, the way things are can’t possibly be your fault. You win!
People of the Shrug are incapable of healthy relationships, since they cannot put anyone ahead of themselves. They simply cannot give emotionally. Hence the truth that spouses of Shruggers always have low self-esteem.
If someone near to you is a Shrugger, there is only and exactly one way to deal with them: Expect nothing from them. Severe yourself from your every last expectation from them. It’s terrible—but there it is. They’re not going to give it up—not for you or anyone else. Ever. They don’t hate you; for them, it’s not really about anger or hostility. It’s about needing to be the center of the universe. When dealing with a Shrugger, your only choice is to let them be the center of the universe. But do not ever expect to share that center with them. That can’t happen. You can fulfill their emotional needs, but it can’t be a reciprocal thing.
You can give. And that’s it.
I wrote this for anyone who has a parent who is Shrugger.
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Related post: Unhappy? Reject Your Parents.
Posted by Candace on August 6, 2008 at 8:02 am
THANK YOU.
Both parents were shruggers, my dad worse than my mom.
Probably why I drank from the time I was 12 or 13 until I was 50.
Great post, John. ‘Preciate it.
Posted by John Shore on August 6, 2008 at 8:14 am
Yeah, kids of shruggers do tend to get high, because they’re so desperate for any kind of validation—no matter how transitory or artificial—to fill the validation that never, ever comes in their parents. That’s a big hole to fill.
Posted by FreetoBe on August 6, 2008 at 8:17 am
This describes EXACTLY the man to whom I was married for 21 years! Thank goodness we live 9000 miles apart, otherwise he’s still be wanting me to fulfill his emotional needs.
Needless to say, he doesn’t uphold his end of (small) financial contributions to our children, and I’ve really been praying that God shows me how to make it alone financially.
Thanks, John, good post (again).
Posted by Candace on August 6, 2008 at 8:19 am
Yup. But once God jumped in there … PRESTO … no hole any more
And no more drinking. Or gambling. Or Adderall. Or any of the other not-God stuff I used to try and heal myself with.
Ain’t He just GRAND that way???
Posted by John Shore on August 6, 2008 at 8:22 am
FreetoBe: Yeah, Shruggers make the WORST mates; emotionally—and, as you know too painfully well—they ONLY take, and have zero interest in giving. Awful. It sounds great that you got out. So many women don’t; they just sort of … settle for whatever small bones their men toss them.
HEY! LET’S KEEP IT CLEAN IN HERE!
I swear, I can’t take you people anywhere.
Candance: Yes, God is the BEST for recovering from the …. waste of shruggerness.
Posted by arlywn on August 6, 2008 at 8:50 am
you know john I was all mad at you for assuming that I’m the reason that my realtionship fell apart, but this post makes up for it because thats exactly what he was and I never saw it until he broke up with me. And I just realised that it was because deep down I was making him feel like he needed to change to be everything that I wanted, needed whatever. He didnt feel like he was living up to what I fell in love with. So he broke up with me to figure things out… and all those over looked qualities are right infront of me and…. he’s a shrugger. And I dont want him back. thanks!
Posted by Dan Harrell on August 6, 2008 at 9:43 am
John,
Is a shrugger happy only when he drives people out of the relationship? Is this like a black hole that sucks healthy emotions from everyone they come in contact with?
Kids get older, go to school, marry and live on their own. Mates get fed up and leave.
I imagine a shrugger parent is exactly like Matt Damon in The Good Shepherd.
Posted by John Shore on August 6, 2008 at 9:49 am
A shrugger is never happy—and is never surprised when he or she has driven someone from them. They always knew that person would leave, because that (to them, to their worldview) is just how people are.
Shruggers can’t allow themselves to ever be truly happy OR unhappy. They are “happy” when their needs are being met: when they eat something good, or have been flattered, and so on. And they get “unhappy” when someone else is getting attention, or when they’re physically uncomfortable, etc. But that’s it. These shallow waters do not run deep. I really meant the two-year-old thing. Emotionally, they’re two. Five, tops.
Posted by Candace on August 6, 2008 at 9:57 am
Yeesh. You are almost frighteningly accurate here. That is my dad, to a “T” (which stands for “Tyrant”).
My mom — I may have to re-evaluate. Either there’s more to it with her, or being a mother tempers it (slightly) for some.
Lots of food for thought here.
Naturally, a long time ago, I had to follow your “Reject Your Parents” advice. Though I didn’t at the time know that was what I was doing. And I had an undercurrent of pain and guilt about doing so, for a long time.
I think I had a lot of the shrugger in ME, actually. But I’m getting better. With a lot of good help.
Posted by FreetoBe on August 6, 2008 at 10:19 am
Candace, you are so right. Parent shruggers breed children shruggers and we don’t even know it. I am so glad I found the One who makes us want to get better, with A LOT of nudging.
Posted by angelbearoh on August 6, 2008 at 10:30 am
There’s this disease called anorexia where the sufferer feels she can never be thin enough, or beautiful enough. I have a malady that’s something like that, where I feel like I can never do my job well enough, or capably enough. What do you call that?
Posted by Candace on August 6, 2008 at 10:44 am
angelbearoh -
That’s called perfectionsim. There’s a GREAT book out there called “Healing for Damaged Emotions”. Can’t recall the author off the top of my head, but a search on Amazon should turn it up.
I know it doesn’t sound like a book about dealing with perfectionism. But trust me. It is.
Posted by Candace on August 6, 2008 at 10:47 am
Free -
Yeah, me too
It only took nudging for you?? I was dragged, kicking and screaming.
Anyway, I am so happy for you, now free and growing in the Lord!
Posted by skerrib on August 6, 2008 at 11:54 am
Candace, it’s David A Seamands. I’ve never read it, but Cloud & Townsend did one called “Changes That Heal.” Not sure how similar it is, but it’s definitely in the vein of the whole healing-thing.
Posted by Paul on August 6, 2008 at 12:11 pm
David Seamands wrote that book, and it is a classic.
Posted by Candace on August 6, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Yes, that’s it. I haven’t read the Cloud and Townshend one, but have mucho respect for everything else of theirs I have read or heard.
Going into my reading of the Seamands book (my Christians in Recovery group did it as a multi-week study) I was absolutely clueless that perfectionism and damaged emotions had anything at all to do with one another! So funny, in retrospect.
Posted by Candace on August 6, 2008 at 12:18 pm
In my response to Free (#13), I wrote this:
“It only took nudging for you?? I was dragged, kicking and screaming.”
I meant to put a wink after it. But without the wink, it’s a pretty good example of a “shrugger” response!
How ironic! (Sorry, Free. Hope you know I didn’t mean it that way … )
Posted by FreetoBe on August 6, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Candace (#13 & 17): Yes, I know you did not mean it as a “shrugger” (and what a good word THAT is!) I’ve been following what you post here and see your humor as well as your heart-felt responses. God has truly touched your life in an amazing way.
And, yes, to answer #13, He nudged me—imagine HIS elbow in your ribs, you get the point (hahahaha) REAL quick.
Posted by Taryn on August 6, 2008 at 5:53 pm
This describes my father. Growing up, if he didn’t want to do something, we didn’t do it. But if he did, we did. And he never wants change or anything new. And if someone insists, anyone near him doesn’t hear the end of it until the problem is fixed or something else happens to complain about. And he would love to be a hermit for the rest of his life, never seeing anyone outside of the house. No wonder I was always the teacher’s pet – I receive validation from them…and no punishment from my father for failing!
Posted by Ingrid on August 7, 2008 at 4:57 am
John, you are so correct about this. I know a person who has actually said to a friend, when this friend purchased her first car that required credit, that she didn’t feel the need to be excited for her. She wasn’t doing anything of importance. It wasn’t even a new car it was used. She went on to explain that things like that don’t excite HER. It didn’t matter that this was a major milestone is this person getting her credit and life together. Now, admittedly, I have never thought buying a car was a cartwheel event, but when your friend is so thrilled about it because its her FIRST why pee on her parade?
There are actually two options when you are confronted with a person like this. You can do as you suggest and allow them to be the center of their own world with zero expectations OR you can employ your power to let go. Sometimes letting go is the best thing you can do for yourself because who really wants to be bothered with a “bottomless vortex of negativity and/or apathy”? Thats more tiring than just making new friends who actually have feelings about something other than themselves.
Posted by John Shore on August 7, 2008 at 5:00 am
Perfectly said, Ingrid, as always.
Taryn: thanks so much for writing what you did. Your father sounds … well, awful.
Posted by davidrochester on August 7, 2008 at 6:05 am
Hmmm. I think what you’re trying to describe here is a narcissist. However, you’re a bit off-base in your inference that narcissism results primarily from being a spoiled child, or an only child. Severe emotional/physical child abuse is an equally common factor in the development of narcissism as a personality disorder, as the abused child decides that nobody will give him what he needs unless he gives it to himself, which makes him overly concerned with putting himself first. Children of narcissists run a risk of becoming narcissists, because they are never given what they need.
Narcissists do make terrible parents, and often create children with dependency disorders who are likely to view this information with a high degree of defensiveness, often because those children have also married narcissists.
Posted by John Shore on August 7, 2008 at 6:08 am
Nah, I’m not here talking about narcissists—though they’re close.
Posted by Midlife Slices on August 7, 2008 at 12:30 pm
What if my one parent is a half shrugger? He’s always right and he carries on guilt but he’s never lazy and always disappointed. Would that make me a fourth shrugger since I slightly resemble a few of these myself?
Posted by cbgrace on August 7, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Worse yet, we are raising generations of these type of people. Do you ever speak to 16 year olds? They know everything, they don’t know what work is, they are bored (only boring people are bored)…
Posted by John Shore on August 7, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Midlife: I’m afraid I’m a little lost on the concept of a “half shrugger.” Everyone’s a HALF-shrugger, you know?
Cbgrace: I do know what you’re saying, for sure. On the other hand, you know: 16 is THE time in life to adapt the Shrugger Tude.
Posted by Midlife Slices on August 7, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Well Mr. Shore, my comment was meant to be said jokingly but I realize it’s hard to tell in this platform.
http://www.midlifeslices.com
Posted by John Shore on August 7, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Well, plus I have no sense of humor. So that didn’t help you. (In truth, I DID wonder if you were joking. But how insulting if I had ACTED like you were, when in fact you weren’t. That totally happens. No good. Better safe than … accidentally totally insulting people by basically saying they’re too stupid to take seriously.)
Posted by Midlife Slices on August 7, 2008 at 2:29 pm
I understand completely.
Posted by John Shore on August 7, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Ha-ha!! Another good one! You’re KILLING me!!
Posted by Bryan on August 12, 2008 at 3:14 pm
You are absolutely 100% correct. I can appreciate every single word.
Posted by Susan on March 28, 2009 at 10:26 pm
Wow, we know a Shrugger and he has a little Shrugger. Life revolves around them. Big Shrugger brags and brags and when we try to say something good or something we are proud of,he has nothing to say. He seems to have no empathy either. If you need to talk about something serious he just cracks a joke and goes on to whats important to him. Little Shrugger pouts if he is not having fun, can’t function if things are not going his way. He just seems to shut down to life around him, you can see his bottom lip just get bigger as he stares, as you say into his Vortex of negativity. In there mind nothing compares to how good they are at whatever they THINK they are good at. No one can compare to how perfect they are…..in there minds. People like that are very exhausting if you let them be. It’s a wakeup call for these Shrugger to just not responding to their braggish behavior.
Posted by Susan on March 28, 2009 at 10:32 pm
Correction….its a wakeup call for these Shruggers when Friends or Family do not respond to their braggish/selfish behavior.
Posted by John Shore on March 28, 2009 at 10:35 pm
Susan: Thanks for writing/sharing this. All perfectly said. And they ARE exhausting, aren’t they? It’s weird how ennervating it is dealing with someone who, basically, won’t deal with anything.
Posted by Susan on March 28, 2009 at 10:48 pm
You are very welcome.Thanks for you article on Shruggers
Posted by LaDiva on March 29, 2009 at 7:49 am
Uh-oh. I think I was about to marry a shrugger. Phew!
Posted by fidigum on April 2, 2009 at 2:07 am
HEY!! what do I do if I AM a shrugger and dont want to be anymore?!! sheesh. what one earth can I do to feel something AGAIN?!!
Posted by sunny on April 2, 2009 at 5:08 am
fidigum: I know..why do I feel a little guilty, gulp..hmmm..something about turning 54…yup, me thinks I just might have some shrugger in there now..blah, blah, blah, and then I told her, blah, blah and she said something boring about the new guy in her life and I told her to not get so emotional over such insignificance..like anyone should care, get real…oh god, here she comes again with that Pollyanna look and more news on her pitiful little life..gawd.. People who get happy over the dumbest thing really annoys me!*smiles* Naw, I aint no stinkin shrugger..