Do you have someone in your life who never gets excited about anything? Who is like a black hole of emotion, sucking all feelings around them into their into bottomless vortex of negativity and/or apathy? Whose basic response to everything you ever tell them is to be immediately bored—since, according to their instant analysis of it, whatever you told them is exactly like something that happened to them once, which means they already know everything about it?
Someone who’s primary response to everything that ever happens is to shrug and say (in one way or another), “Yeah, well, what can you do? That’s just the way it is.”
Someone who basically refuses to emotionally participate? Ever? About anything?
Doesn’t that person drive you freaking insane?
If, like me, you’ve had reason to wonder about such people—why they are as they are; how they got as they are; what about being as they are works for them; the effect of how they are on those whose lives are intertwined with theirs—then, for what it’s worth, here are some of my thoughts on such people, whom I think of as People of the Shrug:
People of the Shrug are profoundly emotionally spoiled. They’re two-year-olds in adult bodies. They act the way they do because they’re insisting that life now be the way life was back when (for better or for worse) they were the center of their parents’ universe.
It’s been my experience that, as children, People of the Shrug were spoiled within dysfunctional families. An only child in a dysfunctional family is particularly prone to becoming a Shrugger.
It’s critical for People of the Shrug that nothing good ever happens to anyone, since that would destroy their pretext for never getting involved in anything, which is that nothing ever changes. Having good things happen—fresh things, new things, exciting things—overtly presents the question of why they never make fresh, new, and exciting things happen. And that’s not something they’re about to consider doing, since anything truly interesting happening out in the world would threaten to take the attention off of them.
If you’re a Shrugger, that works for you because:
1. You’re always right. By refusing to acknowledge that anything ever changes, you’re forever proven right in your assertion that nothing ever does.
2. You’re never disappointed. Being all-knowing means that you cannot ever be caught unaware, because you already know everything that’s going to happen. Sure, that nothing new is under the sun means you can’t ever be happy, surprised, or enthusiastic about anything. But it also means you can’t ever be disappointed. And, for you, that’s what’s most important.
3. You get to be lazy. Why work, if nothing ever really changes anyway?
4. You’re guilt-free. Since nothing ever changes, the way things are can’t possibly be your fault.
People of the Shrug are incapable of healthy relationships, since they cannot put anyone ahead of themselves. They simply cannot give emotionally. Hence the truth that spouses of Shruggers invariably suffer from low self-esteem. Who else would marry someone who can’t ever really get excited by them?
If someone near to you is a Shrugger, there is one way, and only one way, to deal with them: expect virtually nothing from them. Severe yourself from your every last expectation of them. It’s terrible; but there it is. They’re not going to give it up—not for you, not for anyone, not ever. They don’t hate you; for them, it’s not really about anger or hostility. It’s about needing to be the center of the universe. When dealing with a Shrugger, your only choice is to let them be the center of the universe. But do not ever expect to share that center with them. That can’t happen. You can fulfill their emotional needs; but they cannot, and will not, fulfill yours.
You can give. But that’s it.
I wrote this especially for anyone who has a parent who is Shrugger. Please forward it to anyone you know who does.
Just out: UNFAIR: Why the “Christian” View of Gays Doesn’t Work (softcover edition; Kindle edition; NookBook edition). Find me here and on my Facebook page.
![John Shore on The Huffington Post](http://johnshore.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/huffpost.jpg?w=120 "John Shore on The Huffington Post\")
{ 62 comments… read them below or add one }
← Older Comments
You could be self centered and disfunctional. Or you could be clinically depressed, or sub-clinically depressed and just not have the energy to want to cope.
Happens.
I agree with Noa that this article had a tone of judgement and moral superiority to it. The idea that there is one way and one way only to deal with certain types of people assumes a great deal. While it doesn’t specifically state that they are hopeless cases, that seemed to be implied by the conclusions. It seemed to overlook the possibility of growth or change on these people’s part. It did however make me look at my own emotional detachment, and look at what motivates me ( or doesn’t) , and what it is I am trying to protect when I refuse to connect with people on a real level.
To me, it seems like both of you are projecting so many thoughts and ideas into this post. It amazes me when people do that and then claim it’s the original author’s intent and meaning.
Honestly… I’m feeling a lot of hostility from this article. Hostility and moral superiority, and that bothers me. Just because someone is emotionally detached doesn’t mean that they are less of a person than anyone here. It doesn’t make you better because you can respond emotionally to certain situations and it doesn’t make a “shrugger” worse. Both are different ways of dealing with things and neither are wrong.
There’s a whole lot of judgment going on in this article and this conversation that I think is unhelpful and unhealthy. Instead of actually trying to understand why someone reacts the way they do, you instead write them off as a hopeless case. Do you actually know why someone would react in such a fashion? Because it could be anything. It could be a bad childhood or perhaps they’re somewhere on the Autism spectrum. Or perhaps they’re like me, a Daoist who believe you really ought to go with the flow.
You’re not accepting a person for who they are, really, which is what you should be doing as kind and compassionate people ought. You’re singling out people who are “other” and ostracizing them, which is right up there with the kind of intolerance normally seen only in fundamentalist zealots.
Frankly, I think the best way to cope with indifference is with kindness and respect. Even if you don’t get any back in return.
There is a huge difference in what was actually written vs.the experience of being”emotionally detached”. Those are two very, very different experiences. One can still be emotionally detached and put others’ needs in front of their own. You seem to be substituting what you took away from this piece instead of what was actually written – which is someone who is emotionally *spoiled* within a dysfunctional family.
You also inserted “hopeless case” – would you please point out where that was said? Please be specific, thank you.
John this for me, was so significant to read this evening. Thank you, I’m going to read this a few times. I’m glad this comment brought it up.
Once again, you’re operating on the assumption that you know what someone else feels and that’s not cool. I’ve known people that don’t give back and while it’s a bit irritating, I accept the fact that is who they are. Specifically, I have a friend with Autism that can be a bit inconsiderate. There have been times when I’ve been annoyed by it, but I don’t automatically make a snap judgment that he’s a bad person. It’s just who he is and while I don’t particularly like that aspect, there are other qualities he has that make the friendship worth it. I just don’t feel it’s right to write people off.
But that’s just me. I have always felt that kindness and compassion are a better way to live one’s life.
Again, you’re twisting this post to be something that it is absolutely not. Autism is a disorder – it’s not a willful choice to remain limited and selfish emotionally when one has the capacity to do so which is what John is obviously referring to here, you’ve inserted that meaning into the post and reacting to that. I wonder why you’d do that? That’s not a terribly kind nor compassionate decision.
And Noa, there’s absolutely no Scriptural support at all for continuing to accept and be in relationship with others who are limited emotionally to experiencing life on their own, very specific and exclusive terms – who continue to maintain their limited state despite having the opportunity to change and grow. The capacity for these people to change, to learn how to actually sacrifice for others is certainly present. But a lot of times, being miserable is just easier – it means they have to give absolutely nothing. That’s not being emotionally detached – that’s being emotionally self-absorbed.
And people like this are very careful to choose only those people who demand nothing from them or can be manipulated into believing that they don’t deserve it or that the “misery” is just too overwhelming. They are often very charming and fun to be around because they need the attention and people to make them feel a little less miserable, but as soon as that individual asks them to step out of their comfort zone? They’ll say “I’m just ill-equipped to care for anyone”. Which is an excuse to stay focused entirely on their own needs. They are emotional vampires and John is absolutely right – it’s good to expect nothing from them because you end up pretty disappointed.
But kind and gentle hearts like yours get fooled pretty easily with men and women like this. I got suckered in as well! It took me a very long time to learn.
I’m not a gentle heart. I prefer to call myself compassionate. As I’ve said in a comment above, you are, once again, operating on an assumption that you know how someone feels and unless you’re a mind reader, you really don’t. Because when you assume you make an ass out of you and me.
Noa, I define my relationships by peoples’ behavior. Not their feelings.
And you’re right, I certainly did misread you, your subsequent comments reflect the writer to be someone who’s stubbornly fixated on just being angry and reading something that’s not there. So I stand corrected.
My husband’s mother divorced his father for being a Shrugger. We never had a word for it before now. He wasn’t a bad person in any ordinary, measurable way, he just never got emotionally involved in anything. Stayed in a job far beneath his abilities, if you asked him what he wanted for dinner he said “whatever,” if you asked him if he wanted to go see a movie he said, “whatever.” And he thought that this meant he was very easy to get along with. Plus the cynical attitude that he didn’t even vote because all candidates were the same.
My husband tends towards the same issues but I have always been able to shake him out of it by saying, “You’re doing that thing you say your dad used to drive you nuts with.”
Tell you what, I grew up in a divorced family. My father left when I was 7. I have hardly heard a word from him. He remarried quickly and raised another woman’s children. I wondered what i did to make him leave. My mom went to school and worked full time. I felt very alone and responsible for siblings who were only one or 2 years younger than me. I learned about stoicism in H>S. I liked that word “whatever” as a response to a lot of situations. For me if was a way of protecting myself against disappointment, anxiety and a world out of my control. I was kind of a shrugger growing up. I was not nasty. I did not alienate people. But I kept to myself. I protected myself from a world that was scary. Where things happened that were out of my control.
Once I left home and got control of my own life… ahhhh. I felt free of the situation I grew up in. Now it was up to me to make my way and not the world against me. I am still anxious but medication does wonders. I know how to shrug things off and not worry as much. But that has to do with a husband who I partner with and I God I have faith in. I am never alone and therefore the protective shrug has been replaced with trust and faith.
I understand the shrugger but I know there is another way. I can imagine the fear of the shrugger. I empathize.
Oh, I know a few Shruggers for sure. My problem is the more they belittle or completely ignore anything that I care about, the more I want to MAKE them care. I wind up getting upset and the very thing I was happy about then seems not so great anymore. Or, I feel ashamed at having been so excited about it in the first place.
Daugherty: That’s it; you’ve put your finger on exactly the power that Shrug People possess: it’s so easy to get hooked into wanting to make them care. This dynamic you’ve so touchingly and openly expressed IS the problem with having, for instance, a Shrug Person for a parent: they rob you of your natural enthusiasm for life. How terrible is it, to be made to feel ashamed at something about which you were just excited?
The description of a shrugger pretty much sounds like my ex husband. He did feel one emotion – rage. If he felt anything else he drowned it in Jack Daniels immediately.
My hubby’s a 1/2 shrugger. He grew up in an alcoholic family (as did I), but where I became quite emotionally expressive, he shut down (guess which one of us got lots of counseling?!) We’ve been married almost 20 years and he’s doing some better, but still struggles with “hiding” from the world when he’s stressed.
Today was a highlight though: He, of his own volition, stopped by our daughter’s house to snuggle his grand daughter, without me suggesting it to him. This is HUGE, as he tends to just “go home” at the end of his day. I’m so proud of him learning to think of others more often.
Honestly I’m not so sure about all of this. You missed the point that they probably have some parent or someone paying for them. They sulk if you try to get them to do anything uncomfortable or needed. If you ask for certain things in a relationship they say they just can’t fulfill them and always knew it and it’s some how your fault for having high expectations. They live in complete apathy and only give you attention when they feel like it. If they give you something they expect you to give them something in return. They skim over life as if it doesn’t matter. They only want the fun out of life. My soon to be ex boyfriend is like this and it drives me crazy. Even more so that he lays around reading the news all day in our bedroom but can’t lift a finger to look for a job.
just a question, if you hang around a bunch of shrugers say like three or four. and I've lived with some of them. can that affect your home life. and can it affect your personal life with non-shruggers.
And one more thing. How come these people even though may have children, still act like they are the center of the world.
I swear to god these people suck the life out of every thing. when they are totaly capable of taking care of themselves. I happen to be an only child my self, but I love going out and taking controll of my life. the people I'm refering to happen to be a whole family of shrugers and it makes me f'n angry. sometimes I wish I could be their parents even though all of them are older than me. wtf how do you kick these people in the butt!?
Mike: funny! "People of the Shuck," I mean—not, of course, the truth about those who are seriously depressed or otherwise psychologically dysfunctional. That IS a different degree of problem than that about which I wrote here.
Wow! That's a pretty serious yearbook inscription! Who WAS that kid? He or she is surely a best-selling author by now. Anyway, great comment, Timothy. Poignant.
Ouch! I woke up before it was too late. When I was in high school a classmate wrote in my yearbook, "You're pervasive air of disgust was a constant source of amusement to me throughout the year." I've always laughed at thatt. Somehow, it doesn't seem so funny anymore.
Thanks a lot John for ruining my childhood! (Har har)
Or People of the Shrug could be clinically depressed or otherwise mentally ill and can't handle anything new as it would overwhelm them. That's not to say some aren't emotionally immature brats stuck in jr.high narcissistic cranial gymnastics. But I see too many clinically depressed people who can't handle simple tasks w/o having a meltdown. That can wear one's soul right out.
But I like the phrase People of the Shrug. Can we have one for lazy co-workers like People of the Shuck?
You know, I found this blog trying to figure someone else out. Looks like it sounds more like me. Crud!
fidigum: I know..why do I feel a little guilty, gulp..hmmm..something about turning 54…yup, me thinks I just might have some shrugger in there now..blah, blah, blah, and then I told her, blah, blah and she said something boring about the new guy in her life and I told her to not get so emotional over such insignificance..like anyone should care, get real…oh god, here she comes again with that Pollyanna look and more news on her pitiful little life..gawd.. People who get happy over the dumbest thing really annoys me!*smiles* Naw, I aint no stinkin shrugger..
HEY!! what do I do if I AM a shrugger and dont want to be anymore?!! sheesh. what one earth can I do to feel something AGAIN?!!
Uh-oh. I think I was about to marry a shrugger. Phew!
You are very welcome.Thanks for you article on Shruggers
Susan: Thanks for writing/sharing this. All perfectly said. And they ARE exhausting, aren't they? It's weird how ennervating it is dealing with someone who, basically, won't deal with anything.
Correction….its a wakeup call for these Shruggers when Friends or Family do not respond to their braggish/selfish behavior.
Wow, we know a Shrugger and he has a little Shrugger. Life revolves around them. Big Shrugger brags and brags and when we try to say something good or something we are proud of,he has nothing to say. He seems to have no empathy either. If you need to talk about something serious he just cracks a joke and goes on to whats important to him. Little Shrugger pouts if he is not having fun, can't function if things are not going his way. He just seems to shut down to life around him, you can see his bottom lip just get bigger as he stares, as you say into his Vortex of negativity. In there mind nothing compares to how good they are at whatever they THINK they are good at. No one can compare to how perfect they are…..in there minds. People like that are very exhausting if you let them be. It's a wakeup call for these Shrugger to just not responding to their braggish behavior.
You are absolutely 100% correct. I can appreciate every single word.
← Older Comments