Are you about to get married? Does that mean that for the first time you’ll be Actually Cohabiting with your one true love? If not, does that make you a hopeless sinner bound for perdition? Do you wonder why people don’t use the word ”perdition” anymore? Don’t you think it’s a great word?
Are you tired of me asking stupid questions? Do you wish I would just get to the point already?
Okay, fine. Be that way. But remember what Plato said: “I can’t believe my mom named me Plato. Why not Spoono, or Forko? I hate my life.”
Um …. but as I was saying. If you’re about to get married for the first time, below are my Top 5 Ideas about the challenges you’ll rather abruptly find yourself facing as often as you might find the Loch Ness monster’s slimy head looming up at you if you lived on a houseboat in the middle of Lake Loch.
1. The extremely intense and fundamental weirdness of sex. I’d love nothing more than to elaborate on this ever fascinating topic. But, alas, when it comes to sex, we Christians have a strict rule: Don’t ask, don’t tell. So I’m afraid I can’t help you with this one. And neither can anyone else. And now I’ve already said too much.
2. Having someone know you better than you know yourself. When you’re “only” dating someone, you can hide a lot of yourself. And you do. You might not think you do, but you do. There’s nothing nefarious or shameful in this; it’s just a natural truth that not being married leaves you a lot of stuff about yourself that you keep to yourself. When you’re alone, you live in a privacy bubble. Being married pops that bubble. Once you’re married, your spouse learns who you really are. You learn who you really are—and your spouse has a front row seat to that show. When you’re married, you are on. The curtain never goes down on the your personal show. Your spouse sees and knows all you do. It’s the most glorious thing in the world. And the scariest.
3. Chores. It’s all about who does what, when, and how often. ALL! Okay, maybe not “all.” But if, in fairly short order, you and your spouse don’t formulate and ratify a Chore Distribution Treaty, it’ll seem like all in about as much time as it takes you to leave a pair of socks behind you on the floor.
4. Being wrong about stuff. Before you’re married, your opinions, judgements, proclamations, estimates and assertions are dead-on correct about 90% of the time. After you’re married, that ratio reverses: suddenly, you’re wrong about 90% of the time. Especially if you’re a guy. For some reason, getting married has the effect of making men wrong about stuff. The data on this extraordinary phenomenon is still coming in, but recent evidence points to the distinct and frankly alarming possibility that women are smarter than men. This is something that all single men suspect, but that only married men know for sure. If you’re a woman, you’ve known it since the first time you ever heard a little boy burp on purpose.
5. Realizing you can’t leave. Before you’re married to a person you can, if you get into a fight with them, leave them. You might not ever want to leave that person; leaving might not be part of your Operational Mindset with them at all. But the fact remains that at any time before Actual Marriage, you are free to leave. After you’re married, though … not so much. Sure, you can still leave your husband or wife. But once you’re married, walking away means walking away to a lawyer’s office. And I think we all know how we feel about … whoa. It’s three in the morning, and my wife just appeared at my office door, asking me to come back to bed with her.
Fair enough.
Posted by Lindsey on August 16, 2008 at 3:25 am
I can’t believe that MONEY didn’t make the list. Because if two people have two ways of handling money before they get married and don’t agree on One Way, then the second the man brings home something for himself without spending equally on the woman (or vice versa, as women seem to collect shoes) they will suddenly find themselves all about numbers 4 and 5. And possibly 1, if they swing that way.
Posted by Cibola on August 16, 2008 at 6:01 am
Lindsey, I like your last sentence…:) lol
I also want to add one to John’s list. I think that one of the top (ten anyway) should definitely be “learning how your partner shows and wants to be shown love.” I imagine that this is a more important one for the women, but could be a problem either way. A good scenario is the wife who feels loved when the words are spoken to her, and doesn’t understand the way that her husband is showing his love. I can hear it now: “He works all the time, and yeah, he does bring me presents, but he never says sweet things to me! He must not love me.” She needs to understand that he shows love by providing for her, and he has to learn to understand that she needs more than that from him.
Developing a good understanding of how your partner shows love and needs to have love shown to him/her can be a challenge, but worth it. And probably the sooner in the marrieage that an understanding and cooperation in this area are worked out, the better.
Posted by Leif Sr. on August 16, 2008 at 9:50 am
You’re one of the most picturesque writers. I love that. Your imagry is amazing.
One of the greatest benefits to marriage is the trust that develops (see #2). The more you can trust your spouse, the more intimate your become. The more acceptance you gain, the more that normal human fear level decreases. The less internal fear we have the happier and more content we become. In the book of James he says that fear is a torment, but perfect love casts out fear.
Posted by Mormon Soprano on August 16, 2008 at 10:03 am
Great post and great comments!!
Of course, the list gets all kinds of extensions once a pregnancy occurs and then baby arrives into the mix! Regarding the numbers above – here are some new clauses #1 gets weirder (and often is placed on an indefinite hold), #2 just when you thought you knew everything there was about each other, you discover a new universe regarding childcare practices and rearing viewpoints #3 Add…Diapers, feedings and who gets up in the night this time!! And from then on, the list of chores goes into hyper-drive. You just have to hold on for dear life… #4 Wanting to be right for the child – expected by the child to be right – and learning you don’t know much at all… #5 Choosing to leave now would break an innocent heart(s), and cause irreparable damage. And yet, having the child makes you resolved that much harder to make it all work out. The child provides you the greatest rewards for staying. Your union has now become a family. Your companionship is focused outward on a common goal; the welfare of another human being(s) which relies solely upon the two of you for love and care. This causes a binding of your hearts and souls together in a greater love than you ever could have imagined on your wedding day.
Posted by arlywn on August 16, 2008 at 10:54 am
very spot on John, Lindsey, Chibola and now Mormon.
Posted by kibblesbits on August 16, 2008 at 7:49 pm
Not being able to leave is also a comfort, I think. I think if it were easier, we wouldn’t have made it this far.
Posted by deerinheadlights on August 17, 2008 at 9:58 am
I love it! You’re pretty funny for a Christian. Sorry, couldn’t resist. I agree with what you said about men being wrong about stuff. I married my husband so I could trap him in a tiny pod-like space for 12 hours a day and remind him why I’m smarter than him. If you think I’m kidding I’m not. Thanks for the good read.
Posted by arlywn on August 18, 2008 at 4:41 am
uh oh… john, watch out… she thinks your funny. And she agrees with you. Eek! and she makes jokes tooo…. this could be bad.. this looks like another stalker *ahem* I mean fan *cough* errr… friend? Yea, she looks like another friend… lol
Posted by cooknkate on September 12, 2008 at 4:02 am
Ok so I just found your blog and I can’t stop reading- thank goodness it’s only 7 in the morning. I have all day to fill my brain cells with your wit and candor.
I love this post. And all the others that I read through, like your 10 tips about being a good husband (which I resisted emailing to mine, as I doubt he needs anymore reminders of how perfect he is….) but I loved this one because I so totally saw us in it, six years ago when we married and crammed ourselves into three tiny rooms (with my 8 year old, mind you) and proceeded to figure out this ‘thing’ called marriage together.
I especially liked #5. For me, marriage has always meant forever, but our culture, the throwaway society that we are- upgrades, new versions etc. coming out ALL the time- we don’t value that at all, reflective, obviously in our astronomical divorce rate. But the one thing I can trust in my spouse more than his obsessive coffee habit or the fact that he actually likes me all the time (not the easiest, I must say) is that he is in this for the long haul, he will never cheat on me or even consider it and that foundation for me is one chunk of relational concrete that I know will never shift, no matter what life throws our way.
That and the fact that our coming together was so deftly orchestrated from above……but that’s another story.
Posted by My Favorite Funny Posts in 2008 | LifeVesting on December 23, 2008 at 6:44 am
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