A 23-year-old Christian woman wrote to ask what I thought about her dating a non-Christian. “It’s a problem plaguing my life,” she wrote. “This man treats me like a queen. I just want to talk to him all the time and blah blah gush gush so forth. The problem is that he is not a Christian, and my family … well, they are, and don’t like this relationship of mine one little bit. As far as they’re concerned, any non-Christian man is a rapist or murderer waiting to happen. I love my family; I love my boyfriend. My question is: Is it right for me to date a non-Christian? And if I do, how do I deal with others who make clear that they think my doing so is wrong?”
Let me address your second question first. There are only two kinds of people who can condemn you or anything you do: People you care about, and people you don’t. You only care about what people in the latter group think. When you’re doing something to which someone to whom you’re close takes exception, talk to that person about it. Work out your feelings about it together. If that person loves you, of course they’ll want what’s best for you. If they don’t love you—or, as is more usual, if they love you more the more you fit their idea of who you should be—well, this might be a time for you to explore what that means relative to your overall relationship with that person.
As to whether or not it’s okay for you to date a non-Christian: Of course it is. It’s just dating, which is all about what amounts to noncommittal exploration. But it doesn’t sound like you’re just dating this guy. It sounds like you’re in love with him. And when a 23-year-old woman is in love with a man, it usually means she’s thinking about that man as a potential husband. And marrying someone who doesn’t share your religious faith is one heck of a big problem.
You can’t really be with someone who doesn’t share your most profound, intimate, and vital convictions. Because it means the most important part of you—a huge part of you, the part of you that most wholly makes you you—is beyond their understanding, their grasp, their appreciation. That doesn’t make them stupid or shallow or mean-spirited. But it does mean they exist in a whole other world than you. It means their core values are categorically different than yours. It means they can’t really get you. It means they don’t grasp what makes you tick, motivates you, inspires you, moves you in the deepest way anyone can be moved. It’s like me trying to fully empathize with the reality of an aardvark. I can imagine what it’s like to be an aardvark. I can sympathize with the problems an aardvark might be having. I can even love an aardvark. But I’ll never fully understand what it’s like to be an aardvark. It’s just … a different order of existence.
Different consciousness. Different drives. Different needs. Different values. Different reality.
Different being.
You can marry someone who doesn’t share your religious convictions. But doing so means going to bed every night with someone whom you know doesn’t really know you. And you may have your own reasons for why, in fact, that works for you. But in the end, it won’t work for you. It can’t. We all need spouses who really and truly get us—who know and love the very core of who we are. Sooner or later, anything less than that will leave us restless, angry, and looking for a way out.
The key to a truly happy marriage lies in gradually, over the years, revealing to your spouse deeper and deeper truths about who you are. We are barely designed to know who we really are, much less to share that truth with another person. But marriage creates the psychological and spiritual context for the miraculous, deeply interactive process by which each partner discovers and reveals to the other everything they know and learn about themselves—and by which, in their turn, their partners absorb that input, lovingly integrating it into their worldview, into their self-identity. And thus does marriage, in a very real sense, make one life out of two.
A Christian marrying a non-Christian is entering a relationship destined to fall short of its potential. (Unless the non-Christian undergoes the most radical personal change possible, and the hope of that happening is no basis for a marriage.) A Christian can share a good deal of themselves with someone who doesn’t share their faith—but they sure can’t share all of themselves. They can’t even share the best part of themselves. If they try—if a Christian begins to try to share the real stuff about themselves with their non-believing spouse—all the spouse can do, finally, is shrug, and say that they just don’t get it.
Which leaves the Christian spouse with exactly two choices: File for divorce, or continue on, married and alone.
Follow-up post: Letter From an Atheist Married to a Christian.
![John Shore on The Huffington Post](http://johnshore.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/huffpost.jpg?w=120 "John Shore on The Huffington Post\")
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I’ve read a lot of these replies and none of them really helped me. im sure since these posts were a few months back, I can only hope for a reply. In my case my girlfriend is up for the idea of me teaching my kids of christ and she has an open idea of belief herself but she has a hard time accepting it because she was dragged to the alter to get saved, i mean that in a literal way. and after that scaring experience it’s hard for her to want to be a christian. im planning on marrying her but im really hoping for a spiritual change not to make marriage life easier but so I know that the one i love doesn’t burn forever but live with me for eternity in heaven. i’m hoping for some kind of reply and i want anyone who reads this to pray for us. Thank You
I will certainly pray for you. And I would also encourage you to think about something, that you may just be desperately hoping for something to change and looking for advice that will create that change and fulfill your hope, but what you may be facing is the sadness and fear of her not becoming a Christian. But facing that is ESSENTIAL for your well-being, for hers and most importantly, for the emotional security and peace of your future kids.
You’re in the phase of “What might happen” and all of the hopes that creates instead of what is happening now. And what is happening now is that she is not a Christian. Marrying you – or even just time – won’t change that. You’re not going to convince her to have a relationship with Jesus. Having kids and allowing you to raise them as Christians is not going to change that. Only her *need* for him and her recognition of that need will and that is none of your business. It’s not territory you operate within and you even trying to be in her spiritual walk with Jesus by you *needing it* to be different is going to push her away.
The other concern is raising your children with the belief that their mother is going to burn in hell. This will be devastating for your kids.
Bottom line my friend – you need to marry someone who is a Christian if you’re operating within this belief system. You’re going to hurt her, your kids and yourself – rather, your hopes and needs for her to become a Christian are going to hurt all of you if you marry her. I’ve seen it a thousand times. If you’re prepared to be married to someone who is not a Christian but who adores you and loves your kids – if you’re prepared to never try to convince her, to not badger her, or use your kids to convince her – then marry her! If you can’t, then it will be a miserable life for all of you.
I’m sorry if that’s not what you wanted to hear but you asked for replies and this is mine. Much love to you. This is so hard, we love who we love and it’s awful to be in this predicament.
thank you for the reply and yes this does help i never planned on trying to change her myself but pray that God does tug on her heart. I myself grew up with a mother who was atheist but i never intervened with that but God did and she got saved recently. and for my children they will grow up in the church but not heed on the worry of their mother but of their own spiritual path. I wouldn’t ever push her into christianity for thats what pushed her away in the first place. She likes to go to church with me and she recently told me that she would bless dinner with me and read with me at nights. when she worries about she says a prayer for me. apparently she believes but she don’t want to become like the people that made her go to the alter,that believed they was better than anyone else. please post more replies and im truly thankful for your last reply
James, you’re welcome. I know you’d never intentionally push her – I do – but her *knowing* that she isn’t the *ideal* woman in your mind would be a devastating thing to have to live with as a woman.
And I know you’d want to protect your children from that but it’s not something that you as your dad can control if your church teaches that all that are “unsaved” go to hell which it sounds like they do. They will do the math, James, that their mother is “going to hell”. And living with that fear for kids is terrifying and very confusing.
For me, I think you both should continue to just date for a while and put a time limit on things to see if she moves into the kind of relationship with Jesus you desire your wife to have (and that’s a valid thing for you to want). But if she doesn’t James, find woman who is in the same spiritual place and believes the same way you do (not all Christians believe that someone who is “unsaved” goes to hell but that is another thing all together. The important thing here is that you do and your kids will as well if you teach them that and that often ends in disaster.
Good luck.
I can put it in terms of race. What if I’m black and my husband is Mexican? He can imagine what it’s like to be black. He can sympathize with the problems blacks could have. He can definitely love me. But he never fully understand what it’s like to be black. And vice versa.
Honestly if you read 1 cornithians verse 7 it’ll explain what you need to know… I am also in a relationship with my girlfriend being a non-believer simply because her mother didn’t raise her in the church and that’s not her fault at all… the reason why is because her mother belives everyone who goes to church are not like how they say they are or live how they say they live most of them are hypocrites and in my eyes that could be very very true! And so my girl doesn’t really no much about the bible and since she gone throughout her whole life like this its hard for her to switch cause its foreign to her and in the bible it says a man who finds a wife finds a good thing…. it didn’t say whether she had to be a believer or not… as long as she’s comfortable with me and my faith and understands my goings I don’t have no problem and our relationship is wonderful…. so that’s just some helpful stuff to you as you continue your journey!
Kenneth,
I believe that you have a may have a wonderful relationship, but I’m not sure that everything you are pointing out to others here is biblical. If you would keep on reading into 2 Corinthians you would have seen that verse 14 says not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers, as previously stated on this forum. There are also many passages in the Bible which state something similar to “The righteous choose their friends carefully, for the way of the wicked leads them astray.” (Proverbs 12:26). This would show (although I know this is for friends, it would also apply to a girlfriend or anyone who you surround yourself with) that it is not wise to be in a relationship with an unbeliever. I would also challenge that a true believer, one who is seeking to have God as the center of their life, and seeking him and reading his word daily, would only desire a relationship with a fellow believer. This would allow the relationship to be focused around building your relationships with God, and building a God loving family. I think that the fact that you quoted a verse out of context, and choosing to point out that it didn’t specify that “she had to be a believer” is a weak argument to present. For example, I could say “the commandment says “though shalt not kill” but that doesn’t specify what type of people I shouldn’t kill”. Which would be a terribly weak argument. Having and applying a broader knowledge of the bible is essential.
Steve, you quote Proverbs 12:26 to support your opinion. This is your problem because now you imply all non-believers are wicked. Then there is nothing more to be discuss.
If you interpret the Bible in such a narrow way, then what would you do with Deuteronomy 13:8-9?
8 Thou shalt not consent unto him, nor hearken unto him; neither shall thine eye pity him, neither shalt thou spare, neither shalt thou conceal him:
9 But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people.
Would you go out and kill the “wicked” with no pity?
Can some of the christians out there clarify something for me?
I am dating a man who identifies as christian. I, although spiritual, do not buy into the whole Jesus thing. It just doesn’t add up for me. I don’t see the big deal in getting married; I always thought religion was personal, and I understand and respect his beliefs. When the topic of children comes up, I say “we can teach them different ways and they can decide for themselves.” This does not seem to be enough for him. Does this imply that children must be brainwashed in order to buy into christianity? What’s wrong with looking at the evidence and deciding for yourself, as I have done?
I’m looking for input from christians out there, as to why this is a bigger deal for him than it is for me …
Thanks, all.
Hi Emma!
I’ll do my best, I was in this spot as well in your boyfriend’s position so hopefully this will help.
Probably the most common denominator in any kind of religion is a few specific absolutes about that religion that make it more appealing to one person vs. another. And these specifics are often taught in childhood as being “essential” – that if you don’t believe them fully it feels like a loss of self. Not just the loss of an idea but how you at your core understand life, others, how you navigate through the world and the way you are in relationships. But mostly how you define who you are. I suppose you could call that being brainwashed, I find that to be a pejorative term that probably won’t do anything productive and will hurt your boyfriend and others if you keep using it (but I know what you’re trying to say).
For atheists, religion (from what I’ve been told this may not be true for you) is more about ideas. About principles. But for the Christian, it’s as visceral and interwoven into us as our intestines are. It’s an experience and the gravity of our lives. So to connect with someone who sees it as a beautiful idea is something that’s easy to do, I loved an atheist for years so I understand. But there will be things like parenting that tug at the “gut” so to speak that will create gaps in your experience with one another. It’s a bigger deal because it’s huge part of his actual make up.
Hello,
The Bible talks about not to be “unequally yoked”. This means paired up in a relationship or marriage with non-believers. If He is a born again Christian and filled with the Holy Spirit, his desire would be to only be together with a Christian woman. I hope this helps…sorry to offend you if I did by being so blunt.
That’s certainly one way of interpreting those scriptures Blake, but it’s not definitive.
blake, Christians like to quote “unequally yoked” to support their view on marriage. But that scripture is not referring to marriages. Please read your Bible again. Don’t let your priests mess up your mind.
@ Emma: Maybe I can shed some light on your boyfriend’s thinking. There’s a Bible verse that says, “Train up a child in the way he should go (Proverbs 22:6).” If your boyfriend believes this, as many Christians do, then he believes it’s his duty to raise his kids to follow God. And since he’s a Christian, he believes that the only way to God is through Christ.
Even if we disregard this verse, it’s probably fair to say that most people want to raise their kids the way they believe is “right.” If you believe that there is no God and that the universe was created by a happy accident, then that’s what you’ll teach your kids. If you believe that God isn’t a conscious being but an animating spirit in everything and everyone, then that’s what you’ll teach your kids. If you believe that there’s a God but that all religions are equally valid, then that’s what you’ll teach your kids. And if you believe that we’re all sinners who need to call on the name of Christ for forgiveness, as your boyfriend apparently does, then that’s what he’ll want to teach his kids. We all “brainwash” our kids in one way or another. We teach them whatever we believe is right. Ultimately, it’s always their choice to follow what they’ve been taught or not, which is why some kids choose not to stay in the Christian faith as adults.
I understand your point. To someone who doesn’t have a strong belief in Christ, it can seem unfair to ask a child to follow Christian teaching. But to ask a Christian parent NOT to teach a child Christian values…Well, think of it this way. Do you believe honesty is important? Can you imagine presenting your child with the notion of honesty and then making it optional? Do you believe generosity is important? Or maybe loyalty? Again, can you imagine just telling your child about them but then leaving it up to him/her to decide if they’re important or not? Chances are you believe it’s important to teach your child to be honest, generous, and loyal, whether they like it at first or not. When they’re grown, they can decide for themselves to follow what you taught them, but while they’re living in your house, I’ll bet you want them to be honest, generous, and loyal. Similarly, there are lots of additional values that are important to a Christian–obedience to God, a Christlike attitude, and love for the brothers and sisters in Christ, to name just a few. It would be impossible for someone who believed in the importance of these things NOT to want to teach them to a child. Do you see what I mean?
I hope that helps to answer your question. I know it’s not that easy to understand why Christians believe as they do if you don’t share those beliefs. I guess that’s actually why Paul advised Christians and non-Christians not to marry. It makes a marriage much harder when one person’s life revolves around specific values that the other person doesn’t share.
“honest, generous, and loyal” is a common set of universal values. What is wrong to teach your children that and let them decide which religion to pick up when they are old enough to do so. I do not mind my children becoming Christians but I would not want them to be indoctrinated with any religious belief system when they are young. I let them choose their way.
My children had grown up long time ago and their behaviors are not worse than (in fact much better than) many Christians.
When I look around, on average, my non-Christian friends have better morality than my Christian friends.
“(Unless the non-Christian undergoes the most radical personal change possible, and the hope of that happening is no basis for a marriage.)”
What about the hope of the Christian coming around and realizing that its all just a metaphor?
If you love your boyfriend Emma, you won’t want that to happen if his faith gives his life meaning, hope and purpose.
I have been searching lately… for answers to whether or not a christian and non-christian can be in a successful and fulfilling relationship.. one that may very well lead to marriage. I have come across this blog and many others where the author or commenters speak about the non christian lacking an understanding of the other person because the nonbeliever is unwilling to share in their religious or spiritual experiences.
This however does nothing to answer my questions.. as I am not a non-christian who is not willing to share in my love’s spiritual and religious experiences. I cannot promise conversion to him, but I do want to attend church with him. I do want to openly discuss his faith, my questions about it, our differences and continue indeed to find where our spirituals paths connect. While my faith may be different from his, it does not make me close-minded, unopen or unwilling to take part in that which is most important to him. I felt compelled to share that just because my faith may not be the same, I, and other non-christians are not all unopen to being supportive of those we love’s differing points and practices of faith.
My questions are still not answered but maybe the purpose of me coming across this blog is to share that because of how important it is to the person I love I have opened my eyes and heart to being supportive of his faith. At this point we are not together because he interprets the Bible to mean since our faiths differ we cannot be together. While I am of the belief that I would not love him so deeply and be unable to to move past that love if it wasn’t the will and desire of god for us to be together. I continue my search of why and how two people can love each other deeply and feel so drawn to each other but be unable to reach a compromise when it comes to let love bind them even in their differences.
catherine, I can understand you puzzle and pain. The main stream Christians are followers more of Paul than of Jesus. They put the interpretations by Paul on Jesus above Jesus himself. They forget the teaching of Jesus to love thy neighbor. If you cannot love even your lover/spouse, how can you love your neighbor?
I have seen good marriages between Christians, between Christians and non-Christians, between non-Christians. I have also seen bad marriages marriages between Christians, between Christians and non-Christians, between non-Christians.
Choosing a Christian to be your spouse does not mean a good marriage, although blessed by your priests. (Even many priests they themselves divorced.)
Choosing a non-Christian to be your spouse does not mean a bad marriage.
It all depends on how you follow Jesus’ teaching on: love thy neighbor.
Folks,
I’m confident Christians divorce their fellow Christians in larger numbers than interfaith couples. In general, people marry in accordance with their comfort levels and familiarity. Therefore, I don’t think there’s any empirical basis for making such a strong claim that marriages are destined for failure based on differing religious backgrounds. America is vastly Christian, around 76%, and has nearly a 50% divorce rate.
I got married 5 years ago to a woman who attended a Christian church on occasion. We are going on our sixth year and she is now attending church 3-4 times a week, bible studies at the house and now we are spending less time together. Why go through this sudden change of heart regarding her faith/ church knowing that it will be damaging to our marriage? Why do Christians call others that are not like them "Non-Believers"? I`m a believer in God and I have a relationship with god, just because it`s not done the same way as the Christians we seem to get out casted as non-believers..I do not think that is right nor that Christians have all of the answers and seem entitled to critizes others. I have found Christians to be very hyprocritcal, hateful, angry and individual who only want to push their right wing politic agenda…I will never be a Christian and if my marriage ends due to it, then so be it.
Well not all Christians but some certainly. FWIW I pesonally feel that going to church activities 3 to 4 times a week + Bible studies at the house is a bit much. I can see how the more she is drawn in the more you withdraw. What she is doing is finding companionship there when she whould be finding companionship with you and naturally you are withdrawing from this. It is church first and you second, and I am sure that there are often times when there are special events that add even more time away from you. Yes God first in your life, but God does not = church. She is finding fun and companionship with her church friends and stealing time with you to do it. When you cna't take it any more maybe if you seperate she will see what she is missing and will get a wake up call.
I was a less than luke warm christian when I got married. Barely on the path I should have been on.
I married a guy who wasn't a christian. I thought nothing of it.
We spent a couple years married- then everything was just… crap. There wasn't crazy, obvious abuse- but it was just… nothing at all! Not even a friendship. Passion level was ZERO. It was torture.
We decided to divorce. We had just moved very very far away from everyone I know and love. So this was hard- although we felt it was right.
We made that choice and it seemed like a good idea, because it was a mutual decision.
Guess again.
Started to actually READ the BIBLE and I was like… oh crap! I'm not supposed to be doing this!
The husband lived with roommates, and was living the free and easy life of an almost-single-man. (Any judgmental comments or gasps of disbelief can be kept to yourself, pleaseandthankyou!
)
So I started down the path… I read and studied scripture til I genuinely felt "the nature" of God. I didn't really try to understand God, or search for loopholes that made divorce OK, I just wanted to hear from Him! I talked with people, asked so many questions, had a couple of perceived breakdowns…
Enter: James1:2-8 and Romans5:3-5 and 1Cor7:13-16 (Pay close attention to 16, there.)
They did NOT leave my mind- and when they did… all hell broke loose… so to speak….
I persevered…. practiced loving truth and HUMILITY! DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT IS??!?! Especially when you KNOW you're right?! (Oh yeah… such humility, huh? Told you it's hard!)
I would just "lose it" when I'd lose sight of Jesus, and of everything God put so strongly on my heart. If circumstances made me miss church- I'd be attacked left and right and out of the blue by the most heinous temptations and irritations. Running to the bible, I'd go.
Over the course of a year we went from pending divorce… to just being separated… to agreeing to go to counseling…. We are now reconciling with everything we have, falling in love even harder, and my God…. my God…. my husband is a Christian now. :'-)
I would like to emphasize the heaviness of the pending divorce… there was no hope… none… only through Jesus did I see that hope. The saving POWER of God. Supernatural power. Beyond any reason or understanding. Way beyond. Ever.
I would also like to emphasize that this is the abridged version OF the abridged version… There's SO MUCH that happened- that only God could do. So much that was only by faith (almost weary faith… but faith nonetheless.) And also there was so much "enemy influence" in things beyond any control of our own. It's uncanny.
To imply God can't work like that in someone's life… is to imply that well, He's not God.
"(Unless the non-Christian undergoes the most radical personal change possible, and the hope of that happening is no basis for a marriage.) "
While I FULLY agree that you don't get married with the basis being the hope of a spouse's massive overhaul, you don't divorce with the basis that there is no hope for one, either.
Coming to know Jesus Christ IS A RADICAL PERSONAL CHANGE!
If not… check yo'self before you wreck yo'self!
=)
Thank you for reading!
hello sis,
was your husband a muslim or what exactly?
thankx
hadid carlo
I think this was a really good explanation! I am struggling with something similar and I'm glad I came across this. However, I do want to point out that divorce is not an option in this case. Divorce, to a Christian, is only acceptable if a spouse has cheated or abused another. Here is a verse in the New Testament that explains why divorce is not an option in this case: 1 Corinthians 7:13 'And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him.' Anyways, thanks and God bless!
Dear John,
The Catholic would not have such a big problem as the Protestants.
Maybe in your committee and country, the ratio of male and female Protestants is quite well balanced. But in some places, the ratio is very skewed, at best 4:6. 3:7 is quite common and even down to 2:8.
If Protestants are advised to marry Protestants only (sometimes, under great pressure from their fellow church goers and pastors) , then a very high percentage of the female Protestants (one third and even over half) would not be able to get marry.
Maybe God intends to test the females more than the males. (Ha ha).
I really appreciate the views of David in "Letter From an Atheist Married to a Christian".
Let love bind people in love together; do not split them with hate.
Jesus said, love thy neighbor. I do not think that he meant to exclude non-believing boy/girl friends.
With the high divorce rate among believer couples, one would not be much worse off in marrying a non-believer. The magic words are: love, understanding and tolerate.
Dear John,
You said, “A Christian marrying a non-Christian is entering a relationship destined to fall short of its potential. (Unless the non-Christian undergoes the most radical personal change possible, and the hope of that happening is no basis for a marriage.) ”
Wasn’t that the message your “creepy” church friends trying to convey to Cat before her conversion?
The marriage will fail, unless Cat convert.
Luckily, Cat acted according to what they had wanted. If Cat did not convert, your marriage would fail as predicted by your church friends.
You are confirming the judgment of your church friends. They must be relieved at Cat’ conversion, realising that what they had done were correct and worthwhile. They would think that they had been helping you all along and God worked through them successfully.
If Cat converted, they acted correctly. (Conversion with their help)
If Cat did not convert, they also acted correctly. (Marriage failure as predicted and your soul was saved from a non-believer, who should go to hell.)
Ctaya: Couple of things: The advice I gave in Christian Marrying a Non-Christian? Marriage: FAIL was to a young woman not yet married. When I converted, I was 38 years old, and had been extremely happily married for 17 years. That’s … really, really not the same thing.
But beyond that, I’m not saying my marriage wouldn’t have ultimately failed after I converted if my wife didn’t. It may have. But that’s not at all what After I Converted, the Terrible Way Christians Treated My Non-Christian Wife was about. That was about how rude the Christians in our lives were being to my wife. They can think whatever they like, of course. My point was that it was painfully un-Christian of them to treat my wife with such hostility.
I would advise a young couple of differing religious convictions not to marry. But if I knew a couple who had been happily married for 17 years, and one of them had suddenly converted, the last thing I’d do is start bitching at the other one to convert.
Thanks for writing this!
I’ve become quite close to a non-christian guy, and the question of “what does God want me to do”`has been echoing in my mind.
When I think about it, it really is as easy as looking at the friendships that mean the most to me, and see if it is possible to get something similar with a non-believer. And I came to understand that one of the things that gives me the best relationships, are the ones where it’s possible to share our faiths. To share values and ideas are great, but sharing the same faith means being able to share the deepest part of me. The part where I’m most voulnerable.
Thank you again, very clearifying!
sigs
There's no discrepancy of which I'm aware between what I wrote in "After I Converted…" and what I've written here.
I am amazed in reading this article and some of the comments.
Is the article written by the same person writing "After I Converted, the Terrible Way Christians treated My Non-Christian Wife"?
What some of the folks talking here is not much different from those "creepy" talks by Christians to Cat as described in the latter article.
Some of the comments spread hate under the disguise of love.
Let love bind those in love. Don't let hate separate people in love.
Does Jesus loves love or loves hate?
Thank you very much Lee… i'm still crying aftr reading your reply. especially the last few lines. It really means a lot to me. Thanks a lot. I do hope it'll work out for us. His parents are forcing him to marry…….. just wish we'd able be able to get ourselves out of this and get married….. God is my one and only hope….. and i trust in him completely… This life belongs to him more than it belongs to me…
Sandya, I believe you have a valid point. Scripture does not forbid (in any way) for us to wed someone who is not of our same faith (Christian). As I said in my previous comment, the verse in Corinthians which everyone quotes as being "the verse" that forbids marriage between a believer in Christ and a non-believer, actually refers to something completely different.
While it is true that marrying someone of your same faith is the ideal situation (just think about it) there are also those of us who fall in love with people of other faiths and this too is a blessing from God (God cannot be put into a box!)
Most likely your boyfriend's family holds the verse in Corinthians to be about marriage and as they want to do what's "right" before God, then they would obviously not want a marriage between the two of you. It is a sad thing when scripture gets misquoted and tears two people that love each other and are suited for one another apart.
There is so much lack of vision regarding interfaith marriage inside Christian circles.
Why, there is even a lack of vision regarding real, honest friendship between Christians and those who are not. Many times the church resembles a social club, a let's-stay-indoors-and-just-hang-out-with-one-another club. And people who are not Christian feel segregated and are driven away. Instead of reaching out, many churches tell us to become a closed circle.
And let's not forget that community usually comes before conversion. It is as so many things, a matter of love, of reaching out and spreading the aroma of the creator. Not preaching to everyone until we're blue in the face and/or until our listeners get annoyed and tired. As always, conversion is the work of God, at just the right time. We're mainly here to love our neighbors as ourselves. All our neighbors, not just the Christian ones.
This is just one of the faults with the "way" things are done inside Christian (fundamentalist mainly) circles.
If two people share love, understanding and acceptance, then I am sure their marriage will be blessed. God sees the heart and the hearts intentions. As always, God is in control of the lives of those who trust him.
I do hope things work out for both of you. Take heart. Ask God for help and guidance. I will hold you in my prayers.
Hi Lee,
Thank you so much for openly sharing.
I am engaged to a wonderful loved by God man that does not believe in God but I can see God in his heart. I grew up in a conservative baptist church and since then have had to shake off and reshape who God is. Shucking all the boxing up and do this and not that and “in” or “out” club mentatility. Even with all of that I’m still finding that I have a lot to filter through in terms of marrying someone that doesn’t believe in God.
My journey sounds very similar to yours. And I’m so glad to feel unalone and in community with you as there needs to be more people that see ALL humans as LOVED by God. People that don’t just talk about it in their church clubs, about loving others but then in the intrinsic nature of their actions, shun others that don’t believe the same. In the case of interfaith marriage I know that God cannot be boxed, and that he has a plan for us that we cannnot even being to dream up.
Thank you, for your posting. And your research on the CONTEXT of Paul’s writings. These verses are often chanted at young christians to deter them from life and believing that God can do anything and is in everything. Context is so important so thanks for that. It coincides with my own study of Paul’s letters and his specific and STRONG warnings against people that preach that faith is not a gift and is a conditional path.
In any case, just a big thank you. For bringing LIGHT to an area that I feel truly needs open communication and SUPPORT vs shunning and judgement.
If you can, let us know how it’s going with your marriage (assuming you’re married by this point).
-Alice
Why are you guys being such religious fanatics? God is one. I'm a hindu… where v have so many gods. but personally, i feel there's only one God. You call him Jesus. I'd just like to call him God. Why do you treat us non-christians like we are satanic people? We dont have a choice to choose what religion we want. Not at birth. But every orthodox family wants to keep their children in their own religion.
I love a christian boy.. and we dont look at our differences. We look at the similarities. I'm more than willing to convert, accept his faith n accept Christ. Would do anything for him cause i want him to be the same throughout his life and not change for me. Not that i believe in religions. But ur god, my god, whosoever god, everyone preached love. but nobody wants to talk about it. Its always about the religion. Why?
I want to marry this boy and always want to be with him and be there for him. But his family would never agree. They want a girl who has been a christian all through her life. They dont care if the girl they see loves him. They dont care if their son loves her. They just want her to be a christian. Why? Why cant non-christian people be good? It has a lot more to do with understanding than religious differences. I'm really hurt with all this but i have no other way out. I only keep praying that they'll accept me. But i dont know. I feel like a sinner for being from a different religion. But is it my fault? I was born into one.
Please dont be against any religion. All humans are scared of the supreme being, GOD.
Doesnt matter what name you give him or how you worship him. i wanna ask you all this. Did Jesus ever come and tell anyone of you to hate non-christians and not to marry them? Would Jesus ever say anything like that? He wouldn't have cause he's full of love and compassion. and trust me, God is within you. God is within all of us.
may God helps ypu sister..
Sandya,
I hope that you are able to resolve the conflict with your love’s family and embark on a life of happiness with the man you love.
And you are correct, all faiths have this in common, they all recognize and endorse love as part of the life of the believer. It is in how we define divinity, the afterlife and methods of worship where we differ.
sandya
I am sorry if you have met Christians who are not acting like Christ. Christians are just people. Christ is the standard, and we all fall short. I pray that your potential in-laws act more Christ-like.
What is so wrong with being non-Christian?
I have my own faith and I am quite happy with it. I do not need yours.
Why is that such a problem with so man Christians?
Sorry about any spelling mistakes; I am in a hurry. =)
"I think this is an extremely valid point. But my concern is that someone may walk away from the love of their life because they could not stand never having them. Wouldn’t the best thing to do is to stay with them and pray for them and spend the short time you have in the hope that they will too come to know Christ and then spend eternity with you? It’s the whole “would you rather love and loose or never love at all” scenario."
" I suppose we are all shaped by what we go through and at the end of the day, because there is no definitive answer on this, maybe we all have to pray and figure out what our own answers are from God."
After having waited 32 years and having asked God in prayer, so many, many times to send me my husband… and no, I did not date anyone in ten years, I just waited, knowing that if God wanted me to be married, he'd send this man along… by sheer accident (divine providence) I met the man who was to become the love of my life. Yes, he's not a Christian.
We have plans to marry.
I asked around and studied the all to familiar verse in Corinthians "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers…" In Context, Paul is talking about Corinth's association to teachers of false doctrine. Any theologian will tell you this. The grammar is a present imperative, which is not "Don't do something you are thinking about doing," but "Stop doing something you have been doing for a while," So it isn't advice about whom to marry..the context is that the Corinthians are getting THEIR FUNDAMENTAL IDENTITY FROM WHOM THEY ARE HANGING OUT WITH (idolaters). The uncleaness he mentions all over the book are terms tied to having sex with temple prostitues and worshipping false gods… And when Paul states that "all things are allowed but not all are beneficial" this is Paul repeating a statement the Corinthians had wrote him, which he then later refutes (read the passage). Nowhere does it say in scripture that you cannot marry an unbeliever. Nowhere.
As with the topic of masturbation, this topic is also a "gray area". As there is no commandment in scripture to not wed a non-believer, all we can do is pray for God's guidance… because frankly, perhaps in his designs, the conversion of your loved one is at hand. You cannot know this. Which is why I quoted the above comment: "Wouldn’t the best thing to do is to stay with them and pray for them and spend the short time you have in the hope that they will too come to know Christ and then spend eternity with you?"
Marrying a non-Christian is NOT THE IDEAL situation. Obviously. But you never know how God will operate. And you cannot put Him in a box, especially when there is no scriptural evidence to the contrary.
In my mind, marrying a non-Christian is a calling. You must be certain, you need to trust God. Of course it would be so much better to wed a Christian. I have often thought of this, of how easier things would be if I were engaged to a Christian (chastity, life views, etc). There are many things to consider. But after having waited for 10 years (not dating anyone) and having done nothing but pray for God to bring this unknown man into my life, I can attest to the fact that God chose to bring me a non-Christian. What for? I imagine it is for his conversion and my delight (because this man is amazing, just a wonderful man). In the end, if one of God's designs for your life is to go ahead and wed a non-believer, then you will end up doing so.
I know many stories of Christians marrying non-Christians who have later converted. I have met personally known two of these couples.
There are also stories the other way around, the Christian becomes distant from God. This is why I believe much prayer is necessary. Much love, tolerance and acceptance. Not whining to your partner about the topic, forcing them to go to Church. If the man (or woman) you are engaged to is understanding, tolerant, respectful of your beliefs, then you can enjoy a loving marriage, staying with your spouse, praying for him… As the above comment says, that is better than just walking away from the engagement.
But God has the final word on our lives. While it is best to wed a believer, there are exceptions to the rule. God's exceptions. God audibly told Hosea to marry a prostitute. Someone said the equivalent would be Billy Graham or Tony Campolo marrying Madonna.
If God said so.
Let's just not put God in a box and misquote scripture.
Thank you for this Lee. Same boat, same conviction. Indeed, a calling… And it’s something that is only between you and GOD.
To Lee: Thank you. I too have waited 32 years for God to send me a husband. After deciding to quit despairing and believing God could actually send me a husband, a guy who meets everything but “must be a Christian” on my list shows up! I know God is up to something with our relationship. Your words are encouraging.
I feel the same way, Lee. I met my girlfriend while I was a non-Christian. I was morally bankrupt. She modeled good moral behavior, which I adopted. And God worked on my through her by changing my ways and going to church. I continued on to attend church and became a Christian. She, however, is not into church and is skeptical about the existence of God. I feel that God drew me to Him by placing me with her. And I feel it is now my turn to draw her to God by showing love, compassion, and all of the aspects of the fruit of the Spirit.
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