A 23-year-old Christian woman wrote to ask what I thought about her dating a non-Christian. “It’s a problem plaguing my life,” she wrote. “This man treats me like a queen. I just want to talk to him all the time and blah blah gush gush so forth. The problem is that he is not a Christian, and my family … well, they are, and don’t like this relationship of mine one little bit. As far as they’re concerned, any non-Christian man is a rapist or murderer waiting to happen. I love my family; I love my boyfriend. My question is: Is it right for me to date a non-Christian? And if I do, how do I deal with others who make clear that they think my doing so is wrong?”
Let me address your second question first. There are only two kinds of people who can condemn you or anything you do: People you care about, and people you don’t. You only care about what people in the latter group think. When you’re doing something to which someone to whom you’re close takes exception, talk to that person about it. Work out your feelings about it together. If that person loves you, of course they’ll want what’s best for you. If they don’t love you—or, as is more usual, if they love you more the more you fit their idea of who you should be—well, this might be a time for you to explore what that means relative to your overall relationship with that person.
As to whether or not it’s okay for you to date a non-Christian: Of course it is. It’s just dating, which is all about what amounts to noncommittal exploration. But it doesn’t sound like you’re just dating this guy. It sounds like you’re in love with him. And when a 23-year-old woman is in love with a man, it usually means she’s thinking about that man as a potential husband. And marrying someone who doesn’t share your religious faith is one heck of a big problem.
You can’t really be with someone who doesn’t share your most profound, intimate, and vital convictions. Because it means the most important part of you—a huge part of you, the part of you that most wholly makes you you—is beyond their understanding, their grasp, their appreciation. That doesn’t make them stupid or shallow or mean-spirited. But it does mean they exist in a whole other world than you. It means their core values are categorically different than yours. It means they can’t really get you. It means they don’t grasp what makes you tick, motivates you, inspires you, moves you in the deepest way anyone can be moved. It’s like me trying to fully empathize with the reality of an aardvark. I can imagine what it’s like to be an aardvark. I can sympathize with the problems an aardvark might be having. I can even love an aardvark. But I’ll never fully understand what it’s like to be an aardvark. It’s just … a different order of existence.
Different consciousness. Different drives. Different needs. Different values. Different reality.
Different being.
You can marry someone who doesn’t share your religious convictions. But doing so means going to bed every night with someone whom you know doesn’t really know you. And you may have your own reasons for why, in fact, that works for you. But in the end, it won’t work for you. It can’t. We all need spouses who really and truly get us—who know and love the very core of who we are. Sooner or later, anything less than that will leave us restless, angry, and looking for a way out.
The key to a truly happy marriage lies in gradually, over the years, revealing to your spouse deeper and deeper truths about who you are. We are barely designed to know who we really are, much less to share that truth with another person. But marriage creates the psychological and spiritual context for the miraculous, deeply interactive process by which each partner discovers and reveals to the other everything they know and learn about themselves—and by which, in their turn, their partners absorb that input, lovingly integrating it into their worldview, into their self-identity. And thus does marriage, in a very real sense, make one life out of two.
A Christian marrying a non-Christian is entering a relationship destined to fall short of its potential. (Unless the non-Christian undergoes the most radical personal change possible, and the hope of that happening is no basis for a marriage.) A Christian can share a good deal of themselves with someone who doesn’t share their faith—but they sure can’t share all of themselves. They can’t even share the best part of themselves. If they try—if a Christian begins to try to share the real stuff about themselves with their non-believing spouse—all the spouse can do, finally, is shrug, and say that they just don’t get it.
Which leaves the Christian spouse with exactly two choices: File for divorce, or continue on, married and alone.
Follow-up post: Letter From an Atheist Married to a Christian.
![John Shore on The Huffington Post](http://johnshore.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/huffpost.jpg?w=120 "John Shore on The Huffington Post\")
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I don't see any verses that say you CAN"t marry a nonbeliever, but there is a verse that tells me that while I can do something it's not necessarily beneficial for me. I have been married to a nonbeliever for 11 years. He is a wonderful father and husband. However, there are issues that arise that I never even considered before we married. I don't think being a believer or not is really the issue. Personally, the issues increase as I get closer in my relationship to Christ. The closer I get, the more I change and try to imitate Him. Then all of these little things arise. Some examples, as I've grown I've been led to clean up my language, the content of movies and shows that I watch, etc. It's hard to do that when you're constantly around someone who does not understand this and does not feel led to do the same thing. Suddenly your taste in entertainment has changed but the other person's hasn't and you can't agree on how to spend your time.
Whenever you have a close relationship with someone it's only natural that you'd want your loved ones to know that person as well. So of course I want my children to grow and have a relationship with Christ, but that is a non priority on my husband's list of things for our children. There is no going to church as a family, reading the Bible together, praying together, etc. All of that falls on me alone. If I'm trying to live for Christ and my husband is just living to make himself happy (good man though he be), we're not going to be living our lives in the same direction and our priorities will be different. We love each other and our children, we're all healthy and our kids are taken care of, but our marriage is not everything that God intended it to be.
Lastly, it's always so disappointing that I can't have conversations with him about the things that intrigue me. When I read the Bible and find things that I've never seen before or that have me confused I can't discuss these things with him because they're not his interest. My passion, my relationship with Christ, is totally beyond him.
These issues could happen even between two believers. I really think the difference is the degree of the intensity in a person's walk with Christ. But, as I've said, this is just my personal experience.
Maria: What a great comment. Totally … well, interesting. Thank you so much for writing this, for sharing it with all of us.
Yes, thank you for sharing. I’m going to send this to my significant other to discuss together. We are in an interfaith relationship, I’m Christian and he is Jewish (Reform) and we are trying to discern what potential problems we may have if we decide to get married. I know this is a post from years ago so maybe no one will even know I’m writing this. Either way, thanks!
Let us know how your talk goes, Kristen. Best to you.
"…A Christian marrying a non-Christian is entering a relationship destined to fall short of its
potential. A Christian can share a good deal of themselves with someone who doesn’t share their faith—but they sure can’t share all of themselves. They can’t even share the best part of themselves. If they try—if a Christian begins to try to share the real stuff about themselves with their non-believing spouse—all the spouse can do, finally, is shrug, and say that they just don’t get it.Which leaves the Christian spouse with exactly two choices: File for divorce, or continue on, married and alone……….."
well i dont agree……if a person is not a christian it doesnt mean he/she will not undrstnd his/her feeling or d thing he/she is trying to share….
if d person is having fundamental ideas of christianity..i dont think der will b ne prob…wht say???
God’s word was LOVE, as was Jesus’. Religion
ironically is the one thing that constantly seems to
separate and segregate…
Your article made me very, very sad, because it is so true.
I've been married to a non believer for 5 years, and while I think he is an incredible man, I have never felt more alone. I'm committed to my marriage, but find it hard to feel love or passion for someone who turns his back on my God.
What can I do…
Crap, I need to edit before I post. Please disregard the last two words in this post, My parents….
LaDiva: Wow. That’s … an amazing testimony. Strong stuff. Thanks for sharing it with us.
I just reread what I wrote and man, my grammar is atrocious. Hahaha. Get ready for a long comment here.
I would like to add to what grassroots commented: "But if you as a Christian believe that Jesus died for you, paid for your sins, and accepting Him is the only way to Heaven, and your spouse does not believe that, the problem is you KNOW your spouse is going to hell.
The issue is not the strength of the marriage – which can be terrible or great with two christians or two non-christians. The issue is; can you stand to know the person you love most in the world is walking away from salvation, and will spend eternity seperated from you? Or will you give up your beliefs as false?"
Grassroots is correct on this. I couldn't stand (and still can't) the thought of knowing that my ex would be going to hell. The Lord pressed upon my heart to set him free. By being with him, my Christian walk was suffering. I was miserable knowing that he hated going to church and what he calls as the institution of the church. He feels there is no need to go to church and would get really angry if the topic came up. The peacemaker that I am, never pushed the idea even though it is important to me. I was suffering. Furthermore, if I truly believe that God makes the impossible possible, I need to let Him do it. I was standing in God's way to work through my ex. My remaining in the relationship gave the msg to my ex that the way he was living was ok…and it's not. What desire would he have to change if the woman he loves is accepting it?
Now, I'm tortured because my decision seems to make him hate God even more and he has called me selfish for ending the relationship. I am also tortured because the idea of him going to hell just troubles me and I don't know how to let that go. Christians love to throw out sayings, scriptures and quotes and I hear it all the time from my well-meaning family and friends. Let go and let God. It's still very hard but I'm trying.
My ex said while I was breaking up with him that there are thousands of marriages between couples of different faiths and it works out. Maybe so but at what cost? I believe that if you deliberately make that decision to marry someone of a different faith, your faith is not first, not a priority in your life but other things, and these other things could be noble and honourable, but selfish. So, why start off that way? I have a responsibility to my children to lead them in the ways of the Lord. When I think about reuniting with my ex (it has crossed my mind but I'm not tempted by it), all I imagine is our son coming up to me and asking me about life and what happens after death. I tell him about Jesus. He then goes to his father and asks the same question and he gives a different answer such as, I don't know, it really doesn't matter, I don't believe in this Jesus story. What has my son learned from this? What root has been planted in his soul? When I think about this, I remember I've made the right decision. I just wish the pain would hurry up and leave.
One final note. Statistics have proven that now, more than ever, Christians are divorcing at just a high rate as non-Christians. I am unfortunately a part of those statistics. I married at a young age to another Christian. Even though we were believers, my faith was not my priority. I got married for other reasons. Sure enough, it didn't last. I believe that my parents, who were Christians, got married for the wrong reasons as well, though they never told me, I pretty much figured it out. They never divorced but my goodness, the marriage (from the eyes of their children) was awful. No love just dictatorship on the part of my mother. So, I have issues
.
I'm realizing that if I want to have a strong, healthy marriage with more children (about 5 or 6 in total), I have to admit that I'm not good at choosing the right person right now. I have to let God take it over and in the meantime, get my act together and work on myself because I have a load of doo-doo to get out of my system. I need a spiritual enema. I hate being a single mother, emphasis on single and not on mother, I actually loooooove being a mother. I'm scared about my sons not having a constant proper male influence in their lives. However, this is where God has me right now. Christians love to brag to unbelievers about God being able to do great miracles in our lives (guilty as charged) but we never let Him, we still need to control and be sure of what we think we want in our own lives.
I'm reading your other articles John and it's been very helpful. I am one messed up chick who has extraordinary potential and gifts but keeps making wrong decisions. However, God is going to do a great work in me (uh-uh the bragging, hahaha)….but this time, I'm going to let Him. Can I get an Amen-ah! Woo! Hahaha.
My parents
I am so glad I googled this topic while I was at work. It stopped me from bawling my eyes out at my desk. I just ended a two-year relationship with my fiance. I began to realize that he no longer believed in the divinity of Jesus Christ. It broke my heart to confront him about it because I knew that if he confirmed it, my conscience would have to end this relationship for the sake of our sons (my first son is from a previous marriage and we share another son). The relationship started out not the way God intended and the way I truly want to begin a relationship. After the scandal of having a child outside of marriage subsided, I thought the best way was to get married in order to redeem myself. I have no learned that it does not have to be that way. I've become a lot more closer to God and I yearn and hunger for Him. My ex was not feeling what I was feeling. I was working overtime trying to keep it together. To make a long story short, I had to end it. I can't make my ex rededicate his life to Christ. I love so much him and I can't imagine myself with anyone else. I just hope one day, he will accept Christ fully and that God will restore our relationship. I would like nothing more than for us to be a true Christ-centered family. For now, I just have to follow the Lord's path and pray for my ex and try to move on.
Though it would be difficult to manage a marriage with opposing religions, I believe with hard work, you'd be able to work it out. Its definitely not going to be a walk in the park, but if both are willing to put in the effort, I believe you can work out a marriage. You might have some opposing viewpoints on some issues, but is it really something you can't work out? In the Bible, does it say it's a sin to marry someone that's not a believer? Doesn't it say to pray for them, because through you and your prayers, they are made holy? I believe you can find that in 1 Corinthians 7: 12-16.
Kelly: WOW! What a powerful, riveting testimony. If this very trenchant statement of yours doesn't get enough views here, I'd like to pull it out and make a new blog post out of it. It's such a thoughtful, deep read. I wanna make sure it gets read. Wonderful! Thanks for taking the time to write it.
John,
A very good post.
really fine work! I think you nailed it…
2 Corinthians 6:14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?
Has anyone seen the faith based movie Fireproof? My husband and I just got back and would encourage anyone to see it for strengthening your present or future marriage. It also touches on folks who may have been raised in a home with a troubled marriage and how you have to come to terms with it or it can creep in to your home due to unforgiveness. It does not hold the intense dramas some of us experienced in violent and alcoholic homes. Most people would find that too disturbing, so that topic is best dealt with through a comedic Tyler Perry style. Such as in Diaries of a Mad Black Woman. (a must see!!!) You’d better keep you that piece of steel close by.
Hmmmm… My paretns were as different as different could be… (religious nut vs. atheist) and they DID have a TERRIBLE marriage. So – you would think I'd agree with you, John, on this. And, up until not too long ago, I probably would have…
However, I know plenty of people who shared the same faith and had equally miserable marriages.
Oddly enough, I've "met" a few couples online who claim to not be of the same faith and still have a great relationship. ??
Soooo… I think it has to depend on the individuals… and how accepting and/or judgemental they are – or become. (and that wasn't to imply the religious ones are the judgemental ones… because I know that can go both ways too.)
~smj
I actually don't completely agree with you. I am a Christian all the way and have entrusted my life to Christ.
Many of the people who are not in support of Christians marrying non-christians who have given scriptural references to several (very sparse) scriptures have been fragmenting them out of context and have been playing the semantics game with those fragmented pieces. For example in Deutoronomy, God commanded them not to marry with other non-christians because at that time (which was before Christ), they had to follow a VERY strict law (outlined in Leviticus), and if they intermingled with people who didn't follow the law, then they'd be tempted to take up unholy habits/beliefs. In our current day of time, we are NOT commanded to strictly follow the law. Christ has already fulfilled the law and proved to us that we cannot follow the law, he set a new direction for us. And for the verses in Corinthians that I've seen people use… I'd instruct people to read the whole chapters AND the whole books, not just individually fragmented scriptures. It's not too worth me getting into those verses, cause I'd probably have to write an hermeneutics-oriented essay- here is not the place for that.
This world we live in is not black and white, but is in full color… and for some people they maybe should not marry someone that doesn't share the same beliefs (depending on the situation at hand). BUt for most people, it could pose a great opportunity for someone to be saved. Who's to say that if I marry a non-christian, then I'm doomed to a bad relationship as it is. I don't know what Christian circle you're in, but now-a-days, more and more (supposed) Christians are getting divorced.
These many illusionments associated with Christianity (like the "assumption" that marrying another Christian will result in a "good" relationship) cannot be used as security blankets to protect you from tough times and stressful things happening to you, but your faith in Christ/God helps get you through those tough times and leaves you stronger than before.
My parents are both Christians and they are absolutely miserable. Same with my friends parents (who ended up getting divorced) as well as my other friends parents who are actually pastoral counselors and Christians… and one is a pastor of a Churcc–yes they got divorced and there was no infidelity, abuse, or "cheating"… there was more to it than the just their spiritual beliefs as their reasons for divorcing. They were never emotionally/mentally compatible to begin with despite the fact that they were spiritually/value-wise compatible.
I also think that you made some VERY hefty and hasty assumptions and generalizations in your article that are EXTREMELY illogical. Compatability indeed involves values. Values in relation to religion, faith, and God cannot be logically called "the absolute definitive core values of any relationship"… there is way more to a relationship than just religious values. There is your psychological health, physical factors, needs, impulses, emotional health, personality and extroversion, temperament, habits, sexual attraction, love language, life goals, and waaayyy more.
It sounds like you don't support people having faith that God will provide for them and can and/or will reach out to their significant other who is a non-believer- sounds like you believe in a small and powerless god. It sounds like you took something you believe in and placed lots of (subjective) things around it in attempt to support your belief.
With my cousin Maria …she married a non-christian guy named aldo (knowing that he was a non-christian) and now he is a Christian, and just like before they are living a generally peaceful relationship. The only difference is that they both go to Church together and generally agree more in terms of their shared faith. If my cousin decided to listen to the advice you just gave, her spouse would potentially not be a Christian at this point.
I appreciate your ernestness and caringness towards this issue as it's a controversial issue. Thanks for putting your beliefs out there boldly/confidently… as people can and will scrutinize them harshly. That's very important. Thanks.
She sounds like a woman to thank God for daily John. So many people search for that one person who they would die for and who would do the same in return and you are truely, extremely, amazingly blessed. When, or if, you ever go through hard times with her, come back to this post and re-read it and the comments and focus on what you have been given
My prayers are with you and your marriage, let those God has put together let no man tear apart.
OK, I had forgotten that piece. Thanks, John. From everything you write about Cat, I'm thinking she must be an amazing woman. You are one blessed individual, John.
I married a non-christian. we are divorced. there were other issues involved in the dissolution of our marriage, but the core of it was about that fact. I think the piece was beautifully written. Thank you John.
Free: Awhile back I wrote a piece called "How My Unbelieving Wife Took The News of My Suddenly Becoming A Christian." It's … here:
http://johnshore.com/2007/04/16/how-my-unbeli…
John (#40), I too was always curious about that, how Cat reacted when you came home saved that day, and how she became saved. Amazing! (Although I think every Christian has an amazing story of their salvation.)
“This comment is from personal experience, lessons learned and 21 years of marriage. I think one of the biggest problems is that marriage ends up becoming our identity – and/or we end up loving our spouse more than God. As a Christian, our idenity needs to be who we are in Christ – not who we are married, too.” – Kelly
For me, marriage isn’t just a relationship between two people, it’s between three. God must be a full participant in the relationship and if He isn’t – if one of the spouses isn’t in personal relationship with Him – then the marriage is unlikely to succeed.
How'd you manage that, actually? I mean, the odds were against it, wouldn't you say? I've also read some of your posts where you reveal quite a bit about your family background. You've gotten past a lot in your life, John.
Yeah, I read those posts! Such an awesome story. Cat sounds like such an amazing woman, and it's clear that even before becoming Christians, you guys had a really great marriage going.
I was actually in this situation a bit; my wife was not a Christian when, suddenly, I became one.
Hmmmm. Thought-provoking comment, Christine (#38).
I'm really trying to imagine myself in that position — by some strange theoretical turn of events, a person really was the love of my life, except we were not on the same page God-wise. It would be quite a quandry for me, because the Bible seems pretty clear about not being unequally yoked. And I have found (over and over) that when I just listen, and trust that His plan for me is better, and give up my own preference in favor of living His way, it definitely tends to turn out waaaaay better in the long run. So it's easy for me to say I'd toe the Biblical line. But I am glad I'm not facing that scenario for real.
If I was an unbeliever married to an unbeliever and then I experienced a converted but he did not, I would choose to (as you wrote) "stay with them and pray for them and spend the short time you have in the hope that they will too come to know Christ and then spend eternity with you". Which would also, as you know, be the Biblical thing to do.
Truly, your last line sums it up, and is broadly applicable: "…maybe we all have to pray and figure out what our own answers are from God."
The great thing is that if we mess up, even though we will have consequences to live with, we are still and always His beloved and forgiven children
YAY! How awesome is that?!?
"The issue is not the strength of the marriage – which can be terrible or great with two christians or two non-christians. The issue is; can you stand to know the person you love most in the world is walking away from salvation, and will spend eternity seperated from you? Or will you give up your beliefs as false?"
I think this is an extremely valid point. But my concern is that someone may walk away from the love of their life because they could not stand never having them. Wouldn't the best thing to do is to stay with them and pray for them and spend the short time you have in the hope that they will too come to know Christ and then spend eternity with you? It's the whole "would you rather love and loose or never love at all" scenario.
All these comments have been so from the heart, it is incredible that this has sparked these thoughts in so many people. It is obviously something that hits home with many people and there are so many stories that lie behind them. I suppose we are all shaped by what we go through and at the end of the day, because there is no definitive answer on this, maybe we all have to pray and figure out what our own answers are from God.
This comment is from personal experience, lessons learned and 21 years of marriage. I think one of the biggest problems is that marriage ends up becoming our identity – and/or we end up loving our spouse more than God. As a Christian, our idenity needs to be who we are in Christ – not who we are married, too.
While I believe we are not invited to be part of our spouse’s relationship with God (that’s personal) – it is important to have the same core beliefs. I am not called to be the holy spirit for my husband – and I find that the times I get most critical and/or concerned that he is not spending enough time with God – those are the times that I am farthest from God.
On another note, just because you marry someone with the same core beliefs does not mean that you will not encounter hard times. I am amazed at the number of people I meet who think that if they marry someone who “is a Christian like me” – they will not encounter problems.
Thanks, Ric. And, again, thanks to you all. I'm following these comments with genuine interest. Thanks again to all who've written.
Great post and very insightful comments. I have friends who are Christians and married to non-Christians and their marriages aren’t as strong as one where they are both Christians. I think when both people are Christians in a marriage we persevere a lot more to keep the marriage going before throwing the towel in, and yes there is a special bond that runs deeper and stronger than any friendship.
But let’s not forget that God created the heavens and the earth. Surely, He can change someone’s beliefs if that is what God deems best for that person’s future and purpose in life. Who are we to decide the outcome of a marriage between people with different beliefs? If as Christians we have no hope that a person would convert to Christianity within a marriage, then we might as well not bother believing that we can have any impact on criminals, liers, adulterers, or any other sinner out there, or bring anyone who does not know Christ to know and follow Him. God is able to do immesuarably more than we could ever hope or imagine. Man cannot put any limits to the impact that someone with faith can have on another person. I believe God works in mysterious ways and uses the most unorthodox ways to bring people into relationship with Him. Could perhaps a marriage between a Christian and non-Christian be one of them?
If there is genuine love, anything is possible.
ransom33 at http://www.ransom33.wordpress.com
John, This is hard but very good stuff. Thanks for writing it down and passing it along.
Meanwhile- I wrote a Fail blog that I think you might enjoy. Have a look, John?
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