Zombie Stalkers, Glue-Sniffing Ice Makers, and Bunting Beer Robbers

by John Shore on November 10, 2008 in Personal · 16 comments

The post you are looking for is included in HA!, a full-sized collection of five years worth of my best humor. If you are a Kindle owner and a member of Amazon Prime, you can borrow HA! for free, with no due dates. (If you don’t own a Kindle, here’s where to get one. To learn more about Amazon Prime—and to get a one-month free trial—go here. ) As per Amazon’s rules, content included in the Kindle Lending Library program cannot be available elsewhere online. Sorry for the inconvenience this may have caused you.

{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }

morsec0de November 11, 2008 at 7:10 am

Someone needs to register a Suddenly Zombie blog…

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victoriouslatoya November 11, 2008 at 4:53 am

success!! :D

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John Shore November 11, 2008 at 3:40 am

Morse: Totally funny. Anyone else got any good Zombie book titles?

Latoya: You read ALL my posts? Yikes. You are now the official president of my fan club. Oh, wait: I see where you enjoyed reading ALMOST all of them. Hmmm. You may not want that job, then. Well, we'll see. Oh, picture. I believe you have to register (it's free; it's easy) with WordPress before your picture than starts showing up with your comments. Is that right, anyone? I'm quite sure it is…

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Latoya November 11, 2008 at 2:24 am

yay!!! I have finally read all your blogs!! Enjoyed reading almost all of them :)

In case you dont go back and read comments on old posts, I'm a 23 yr old jamaican christian girl. Been married to the love of my life for the past almost six months and I loving this blog.

I must say your life seems quite interesting (especially the younger years) and I look forward to posts to come.

How do I put up a picture anyways?

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morsec0de November 11, 2008 at 12:47 am

How about:

"Death, Be Very Proud"

"I Eat Brains, You Don't"

"Zombies, Pain and the Whole Shebang"

"Being UnDead: Exploring Where You, The Zombie Horde, and Brains Connect"

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John Shore November 11, 2008 at 12:44 am

Wickle: Nice story! Safe place!

Morse: A zombie book! I like it! I'll call it, "Death, Be Not Proud." No. Wait. That's taken. Well. Something.

Judy: Yes, my life used to be just one long experience of hanging around with drug-dealers and inept 7-11 burglers. And what fun for you to read about, I'm totally not sure at all. But thanks for saying it is!

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John Shore November 11, 2008 at 12:40 am

You know, Skerrib, It WAS a total Kung-Fu moment for me. And after I let the thing fly, I was TOTALLY aware of how, if it missed, it was going to shatter the glass of the front window and/or door. Yet I KNEW I was going to hit him. It was the ultimate Zen moment. I was, like, "Bean the man in the head, Grasshopper. Think not of his noggin, not of your bat. Head and bat are one."

This other time, in the same store … oh, man. Never mind. You can imagine, though—given its Most Robbed status—how many … weird things happened there. And all the time, I was supposed to wear this little red paper HAT. Not.

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skerrib November 11, 2008 at 12:01 am

I just think it's fantastic that you hit the guy with dead-on accuracy. If I flung a hunk of wood at someone it would have about a 1 in 10 chance or so of hitting them hard enough and in the right spot (take your pick) to knock them over.

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Judy November 10, 2008 at 11:06 pm

You've had a very colorful life, with living in the same building as a drug dealer and working at a frequently robbed 7-11. Your autobiography could be a compilations of short stories! Although, I guess your blog is kind of your autobiograph. Never mind. ;)

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morsec0de November 10, 2008 at 11:04 pm

Not to try and promote another author's book, but have you read "The Zombie Survival Guide" or "World War Z"? I think they'd be right up your alley, John! :) You should write your own zombie book!

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wickle November 10, 2008 at 11:34 am

As I said the other day, you're wrecking my whole image of being a professional writer living in California. What's the point, if you're going to be up at 4am?

I guess I'll just stick with my stupid warehousing job, then!

Yeah, so, anyway … I was reading this, and the term "stream of consciousness" kept coming to mind. I wonder why that was?

Back when I used to like my job, I worked at a Credit Union. One of the branches at which I worked was on the Portsmouth Naval Shipyard. The other half of our building was in the Controlled Industrial Area, which means that there was a gate directly outside our door, and in the gate house was a man with an M-16. Sometimes two men, presumably each with his own M-16 (they didn't look like the type of guys who would share). The base police station was visible outside our window. Presumably, there were many more men and M-16's in there. I never looked.

We never felt worried about that branch being robbed.

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John Shore November 10, 2008 at 9:49 am

Thanks to you each. (And you're right, Christine: I certainly never imagined, when I was in my teens, anything having anything whatsoever to do with computers. (Though, actually, that's not true: one of my high school friend's mother was one of the first, like, 10 employees of Apple Computers, which was born in my home town. So never mind.)

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Christine November 10, 2008 at 8:14 am

ditto ditto ditto……would've been quicker to say wow. guess you never saw yourself sitting at a comp reading comments from avid fans way back then. hope my life turns out as nicely

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Greta November 10, 2008 at 2:05 am

Ditto . . . wow….you had me spellbound to my chair…my heart did flip-flops from the tension…. good story…well told!

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arlywn November 10, 2008 at 1:54 am

wow….. you were totally in the darkside before finding god in a closet. maybe its just me- but that sentence sounds way wrong…. I'm not rereading it, I dont want to know. great story.

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namesake November 10, 2008 at 12:31 am

Wow! No, not the story – I mean, that's incredible – but, Wow!, the way your mind works. Does that hurt?

Actually, though, I think I've stood in similar places before, wondering similar things. I can actually feel the weight of that question, which continually resonates in all of our lives, I think.

Great finish – to the story that is. To your life question, it remains to be seen, I guess.

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