(Update: All the posts of this series have been collected into one piece, Seven Reasons Women Stay in Abusive Relationships, and How to Defeat Each One of Them.)
I’ve recently been writing on 7 Reasons Women Stay in Bad Relationships. Yesterday morning, in response to What Others Might Think: Reason #3 Women Stay in Bad Relationships, Pt. 2, I received a message on my Facebook page from a woman who, the night before, had been physically abused by her husband.
Below is Marion’s original note to me, as well as the responses to it that came in from others. I’m posting it all here for two reasons. Firstly, I’m amazed at how comprehensively they capture the range of thoughts and emotions that typically surround episodes of domestic violence. Secondly—and much more importantly—I’m hoping that those who read it will leave for Marion comments of prayers and support to help get her through this very difficult time. I know she is looking forward to reading such words of encouragement.
I changed the names of both “Marion” and her respondents, since only my “friends” can see my Facebook page.
So here we go:
Marion Stewart at 9:40am February 25
Well John last night I became one of these women! My husband grabed me by the neck & thru me into the kit. cabnets , when I tryed to move he pushed me again. I tryed to call the police and he grabed the phone and thru it and broke it. I had to hide in my son’s closet and call the Police on my son’s phone. They made him leave our home, now it looks like DIVORCE . After only two months of Marriage. And I know after past relationships this will not work.
John Shore at at 9:56am February 25
Oh, God, Marion: That’s terrible. Just awful. I’m so terribly sorry this happened to you.
Janice Stone at 10:08am February 25
I’m praying for Marion. What a horrific thing to have happen.
John Shore at 10:11am February 25
Thanks, Janice. That’s the way to do it. I hope Marion reads of your prayers.
Sandra Carpenter at 11:11am February 25
Marion, as terrible as your situation is, be proud of the fact that you are standing up for yourself and for your son and not staying in this destructive relationship. God bless and I pray you will find healing and true happiness.
John Shore at 11:22am February 25
That’s exactly right. Thanks, Sandra.
Julie Lipton at 11:26am February 25
Why did we jump from this to divorce?
John Shore at 11:31am February 25
Um … because after being married for only two months he took her by the neck and threw her into some kitchen cabinets, and then shoved her, and then broke their phone when she tried to call for help? I mean … are you serious?
Cathy Butterton at 11:50am February 25
The outcome of constant abuse, especially the kind of violence Marion experienced, is never good. How can staying in a relationship where you are thrown into cabinets, being shoved and bullied … glorify God? Marion, I’m concerned for your safety. Did you get a restraining order and maybe even move? It doesn’t sound like a rational human being you are dealing with—and, Julie Lipton, until you have been treated this way, and walked away while your life and sanity are still in tact, you will never know what kind of courage it takes to not be a victim.
John Shore at 11:59am February 25
Amen to that.
Julie Lipton at 12:09pm February 25
Marion….my heart truly hurts for you and what you are going through. I did not mean for my comment to be offensive in anyway and if it came off like that….I am truly sorry. Thank you Cathy…. I suppose I thought that there might have been some steps in between this and divorce … sorry for the misunderstanding on my part.
Cathy Butterton at 12:58 Februarly 25
My mother-in-law left her abusive husband after a lifetime of violence. But the years of staying with him took its toll on her, as well as her children. Luckily my husband is a loving, Christian man, but his childhood was a trainwreck out of which God rescued him.
Carla Singer at 1:56pm February 25
Julie Lipton, I think I know what you mean. Sometimes there can be steps in between of separation and the chance to get help and repair the relationship. Totally depends on the people involved, and the degree to which the abuser wants to change. And sometimes it can be successful, with a whole BUNCH of accountability and counsel and stuff. Not that I’m implying that’s the case here. Only Marion can know if it’s even a possibility … kinda sounds like not. But I digress. I agree that the most important thing is for Marion to get to a place where she’s safe. We’re supporting & praying for you Marion.
John Shore at 2:13pm February 25
What Ms. Lipton meant (I know because she wrote me on the side) is that the Bible only allows for divorce due to adultery and abandonment, not for physical abuse. She herself is in an abusive relationship, but remains out of fidelity to what she believes the Bible commands her to do.
Carla Singer at 2:15pm February 25
Ah. Bummer.
Marion Spillman at 8:56am February 26
Dear Friends: I am O.K. and the kids are O.K. just a little shaken!
Thanks for all the sweet calls & notes thoughts & prayers. Although I got a called last night by one of Stevens family members and told that it was not a good Ideal for me to go public with what Steven did in lou of what he might do to me when he finds out.
My Thought is this!
That person has NEVER ever called me even once in the last yr I have lived with Steven not even to say Congradulations on the marrage to her brother, and never even asked if me or the kids are O.K.
But [she] felt it o.K. to criticize me for my actions.
One more reason WE DON”T TELL!
I will not apologize for asking my friends & family for prayers.
Also Steven took apart the home computer so I could not use it. So I have to go to the Library in the next town over. (No Library in Yantis Tx) So I will have to get back to all as I can.
Again thanks for all the heart felt LOVE & SUPPORT to all my friends & family.
Love,
Marion
***************************************************************************************************************
Fan me
![John Shore on The Huffington Post](http://johnshore.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/huffpost.jpg?w=120 "John Shore on The Huffington Post\")
{ 47 comments… read them below or add one }
« 1 2
Hi. I was abusived by my husband for 25 yrs. My ex was Mr Charming to the rest of the world and Mr Hell at home. He nearly killed me several times and when I finally called the police they didn’t arrest him because they didn’t see blood ! He repeatedly violated the restraining order and nothing was ever done. I found out much later that he was seeing another woman with connections in town. So, I’ve lost everything, my home, most of my belongings, my friends, the church that he hated and made fun of . . . where I dedicated all my time and help . . .they sided w him, my trust in courts and protection, etc. Now my grown kids who he treated the same as me and have wanted nothing to do with him are acting like he s a great guy and spending a lot of time with him. No, he has not changed at all ! Just excellent at manipulating them and throwing money and fun things at them. They lived with this horrible man and know what each day of our lives was like and now act like none of it matters . I am in raw pain watching them go to him. I was and am the most devoted Mother and was there for them for every moment of their lives ! I feel like he has taken almost everything there is from me.
Hi. I read a few of your other posts and wanted to know if you would be interested in exchanging links?
People are truly married when they pledge their troths (true loyal hearts) to each other. If the troth is not kept, the marriage is over; only the paperwork is left. Assault is not a form of abandonment, it is beyond abandonment. A man has a duty to defend his wife from assault. When he does not, he has abandoned her. And when he than becomes her assailant, he commits something more akin to murder than adultery. Sometimes fast sometimes slow. It is beyond betrayal.
.
Marion The same Bible requires a Man to Love his wife as Jesus loves us. He is even to lay down his life for his wife. He broke the vows of marriage first. These vows are a covenant with God. Biblically you have the right to leave. You then should forgive him over time for your own sake. Forgiving does not mean that you forget, or that you are accepting his behavior in any way. God does not want any of us to suffer. Go with your heart and don't let anyone tell you that God requires you to stay in an abusive marriage.
Hi,
Proven scientific fact: children who are emotionally abused have a harder time recovering from it than children who are physically abused. I don’t know if it’s the same for adults, but emotional abuse can be severe; albeit, not death threatening (unless you start to consider suicide as an emotionally abused adult.) I believe both types of abuse are horrendous and not to be tolerated, period, but I did not want emotional abuse to be defined as a minor form of abuse. I also believe that whenever there’s physical abuse, there’s emotional abuse as well.
To Marion – it is amazing and so courageous that you were able to immediately put an end to the abuse. Sounds like you are receiving the support that you need while you go through this.
I was scared to death to leave the guy who was abusing me, who, when I did finally get up the courage to leave, continued to stalk me. The police were no help back in 1985 in St. Louis. Hopefully, police everywhere have received (better) domestic abuse training.
Good luck to you and your precious children and be safe.
The police are still of no help, or can be of little help. My ex conveniently left the scene each and every time I called the cops. Once they got there all they saw was a distraught and confused female. They never did anything. This is not an uncommon scenario by any means. I have heard this kind of story before from other women. What is scary is that abuse generally escalates when the woman is trying to find ways to leave. It can become a very horrific game, in which the woman is trying to find a way out. The abuse is intended to disable the victim so that she cannot leave, to disempower her. Cops need to be there to provide assistance during such critical and dangerous times. They know that abuse escalates during such periods, so why are they not there to help?
I don’t think that cops can do very much if the nature of abuse is mostly emotional battery. My ex got physically violent with me at times, but the majority of it was emotional battery and severe mind games. I think that there hands are tied in such circumstances. Guys like my ex enjoy pushing their limits to see how much they can get away with. I have faith that he will get caught one of these days.
I am thankful that my ex is out of the area as he relocated and so I no longer have to worry that way. There was a time when I worried about my vehicle, or worried that he was going to break into my house and try to kill me or do something horrendous. When I finally got to the safe zone, he called me from his cell phone and said to me “I feel something very evil in the car with me right now.” Yes, I was scared out of my mind. Then a huge storm broke out a few minutes later and I literally felt like I was in a horror movie of some kind. That man is devoid of any kind of real humanity, and I consider myself blessed to be alive.
John, first time reader, but I had to respond to this article. Incidently, this was linked off of Huffingtonpost, so that proves interesting that I found this.
I am a man, who came form a broken home. My Dad was an alcholic abuser of my Mom. I promise everyone here that the worst thing for my Mom to have done would have been to stay with him. Yes, when he was sober he had good qualities. She did have two kids with him. But he needed help, and never got it. Long story short, she divorced him to save herself, my older brother and myself. And unfortunatly, it was a little too late for my brother. he was 17, and is now kinda damaged now by the mess. I pray for him to find peace.
I keep reading the arguments about the wife should be more submissive to the husband. I’m sorry, but that infurates me to no end that this is used to mean a wife should just put up with abuse. I know the verses being used: Ephesians 5:22-24, but how about the REST of the story!!! Ephesians 5:25-33 are instructions for MAN to LOVE his WIFE as he would LOVE GOD!!!!! There is no way, if a man truely follows these verses, he could raise his hand to his wife, or by extention his children.
At least, that’s my personall opinion. Thank God Marion got out. To the women who I read were still in relationships like that, get out!!! Pray for changes, but for the love of God, protect yourselves, and/or your children. I promise you, it will make things better in the end.
I too was abused. I married three days after I turned 16 and it took me 23 years to realize I couldn't live this way any more. God doesn't want us to be abused, He wants us to be happy and focus on Him and His teachings. That is something no one can do if she is constantly wondering what is going to set him off and trying to figure out ways to avoid him and protect yourself. I also grew up in a very violent and abusive environment and even after we escaped we were hunted down across state lines by a man carrying a gun. I saw how a church family can turn its collective back on the abused person. It is sad to think that these people actually believe that God wants you to stay in an abusive relationship where you have to defend your very life. I am proud of you for recognizing that you had to leave and I wish you much happiness and success. As for me, I am three weeks away from graduating with honors with my Bachelor's degree in nursing and although I have the same credit card issues and have a very difficult life, for the first time in my existence I can say I am truly happy. May God Bless You and guide you.
Dawn: my story pretty much to a T. I am so sorry that happened to you hun
Liz: they don’t say it in those words. But they will say things like “we don’t believe that he would do that” or “God doesn’t want you to leave” or “he will change he is just going through a rough spot” or, once with I was told “he told us you would tell us these lies, you need to get on your knees before God and say sorry for slandering your husband”. So yeah, effectively they say stay in the house and keep getting beaten.
Don’t get me wrong, there are many good Christians in my life who DO NOT agree with these people, in my life they are now the minority but at one point because of where I was living and who my husband hung out with they were the majority
Yes, it’s bad enough that the abuse is happening, and then it is utterly terrible and downright wicked when the people around you ignore it or try to dismiss it. I understand this entirely and empathize with you greatly over how that happened to you. I pray that you are in a safe and happy place right now and that you have managed to find the support that you need. You deserve that.
Hello Christine, I have also experienced this for myself. When I spoke to a minister and his wife and shared that I had been raped and that my husband laid on my body and I couldn't breathe … he just rolled his eyes up to the ceiling in disbelief.
What I did not know at the time is that my husband then had spoken with them a year earlier and told the minister I was mentally ill and having an affair and was drinking all of the time. They believed him and questioned my sanity. It was all contrived.
I was in a great church at the time, I happened to go to the same building as my mother, chuckle, the time I got divorced over he beat me up on a friday, went to jail, I was still icky and messed up on Sunday so I skipped church, my mother informed all of my friends there what was going on and told all of them if they so much as whimpered that I shouldn’t get divorced from that man she would make their face look worse then mine… lol. I love my mother.
The nut job that told me I should work on my marriage, (again with the two black eyes, and an obvious bruise on my jaw) was a Born again “Christian” I met at the park for a play date with my daughter that Monday night. I kinda knew her, but our kids played together. Then she told me I needed to stay and work on my marriage. He was in jail, and facing prison time, I had a TPO on his butt served while he was incarcerated the Saturday before. She said that not communicating with my husband was a sin. I shouldn’t have gotten law enforcement involved in our marriage. I picked him for a husband, so I was to submit to him as I would submit to God, as the bible says. The only justifiable reason for a divorce is Adultery and anything other then that is a sin in Gods eyes.
Ahem… I assume she gets beat nightly by her “Godlike” Husband, and expects to enjoy eternity in Heaven because of her tolerance and “perfect submission.”
I kind of went off on her… just a little bit. Then I left, and fumed. She sent me an email a day later saying some bullshit about how she is sorry if she offended me, but that sometimes the truth of Gods word is hard to hear… I never spoke to her again.
« 1 2