(This is the next of my series 7 Reasons Women Stay in Bad Relationships. I have collected all my posts in this series into a 41-page document, entitled: “Seven Reasons Women Stay in Abusive Relationships (and How To Defeat Each One of Them),” and made it available here on Scribd.com for free downloading and/or online reading.)
“So why don’t you just leave him already!?”
If you’re a woman in an abusive relationships, that’s a piece of advice you’ve probably heard before. You’ve probably said it to yourself before. It seems so simple. A guy hits you, or is forever treating you like something vile that got stuck on his shoe—so you should pack your stuff and get the [beeeep] out of Dodge. What could be simpler than that?
Except if love was simple, they wouldn’t keep making different movies and writing different songs about it. If love was simple, by now someone would have figured out how it works, or why—or how to predict it, or how to avoid it, or something about it we can use (and that preferably comes in a spray can).
But that hasn’t happened. And it never will. Because love is … well, insane.
A man beats you, and somehow you still love him. What in the [bleeeeeeeeep] is that about?
Well, for starters, it’s about the fact that everyone—and I mean ev. ree. one.—-has a whole bunch of stuff about them that is, objectively speaking, absolutely lovable.
Your man is cute. He has adorable ways. You see that little boy in him, and you melt.
He needs you. He’s powerful. He’s got that charm thing some guys have.
He’s got that way of talking, of moving, of boldly taking control of stuff—he’s brave like that. He does things in the world. He’s smart.
Underneath it all, he’s a good man. He was raised poorly. His dad never gave him a break. He tries.
He’s got those arms you love.
All of these sorts of qualities that you love in your man really are lovable: there’s no doubt whatsoever about that. If you’re a woman in an abusive relationship, though, here are two things that you must bear in mind about all the sorts of things that make you love your man in spite of the awful way he treats you:
1. Every man has all kinds of qualities that are every bit as attractive and lovable as any characteristic possessed by your man. You just don’t know any other guys like you know your man; you’re just used to your man’s lovable qualities. Your man’s qualities seem really unique because they belong to him. But you could love those same qualities (and a whole bunch of new ones!) in another man—one who doesn’t treat you like garbage.
2. Your man uses his lovable qualities to keep you hooked on him. And a huge part of doing that is consciously, purposefully, and constantly pretending that he’s not.
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Posted by Gwen meacham on May 7, 2009 at 5:13 pm
Very good points.
Posted by toni on May 8, 2009 at 5:15 am
Once again, John, you have “hit the nail directly on the head” and perfectly described what is or was happening in so many of our lives. And we know it is all true. Even the part about another man being just as lovable as we “think” this cruel love of our life is. Unfortunately, it is like a drowning person hanging onto a life-preserver…we are so afraid we are going to drown that we won’t let go of the ring, and all the while we almost hope THEY will just cut the rope and let us go down. Or something like that.
But how do you understand so well?
Posted by Toni Lee on May 16, 2009 at 12:08 pm
I am a smart, successful, kind woman with two wonderful children and these words are all about me – so the question is – how to step away for good? Do you have a blog or book on that?