“Dear Mrs. Epps: We Regret to Inform You That Your Baby is Too Uncute to Insure”

Oct. 12, 2009: The Denver Post reports that a Grand Junction family has been denied health insurance due to the weight of their 17-pound, four-month-old baby.

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Fidelity National Insurance Co.
1010 Fidnation Aveune
Washington, D.C. 20500

Dear Mrs. Epps,

Thank you for considering Fidelity National Insurance Co. for your family’s health insurance needs. After careful review of your recent application for Fidelity National Insurance’s Full Family Coverage Plan (FNIFFCP), we regret to inform you that we are declining offering that plan to your family. Your family’s coverage has been declined due to the following reason(s):

baby too uncute

As you are surely aware, Mrs. Epps, in today’s society looks are everything. As you also surely know, the cuteness of most babies lies in their resemblance to Winston Churchill. While your baby Oscar is certain to grow into a more pleasing visage, right now he resembles not so much Winston Churchill as he does that other inspiring leader of men, Abraham Lincoln.

Seriously: put a top-hat on that baby, and you could rent him out to parties or political rallies. Slap a beard on him, and the sky’s the limit. But of course such decisions are best left to you, your husband, and perhaps a reputable talent or booking agent.

We here at Fidelity National pride ourselves on Making Life Decisions So You Don’t Have To. (©) Thank you for considering us for your family’s insurance needs. I hope that in the future you will consider giving us another chance to insure your family, once we’re all confident that little Oscar has what it takes to successfully negotiate his way through life despite his freakishly bushy eyebrows, his jutting chin, and the fact that he carries the expression of a dyspeptic.

Happy health to you,

Alexander Boffinito
Vice President, Enrollment
Fidelity National Insurance Co.

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