I, a Christian, Admit It: Atheists Have Been Right All Along

Here's a standard Christian youth camp indoctrination game we like to call Follow Jesus.

Atheists: I hereby declare that you are right. I give up trying to pretend otherwise. You win. You’ve got my number. Despite everything I’ve been saying and writing for years, you know the truth, and your laser-like focus upon that truth has finally burned through my facade of deception.

So here, finally, is the truth I’ve been too long denying: All Christians are, in fact, ignorant, narrow-minded, self-righteous, intolerant, intrusive, hypocritical, fear-driven, gay-hating, misogynistic, money-grubbing, imperialistic war-mongers. And you’re right about all Christians thinking and believing exactly alike. We do. We’ve all been thoroughly indoctrinated into the machine of Organized Religion (which is the only kind of religion we care capable of liking or understanding), and are at least once a week brainwashed by our craven, egomaniacal Pastor Overlords into directly correlating our self-worth with how much money and allegiance we pledge to The Church. We’re like helpless children desperately eager to hand over responsibility for our lives to Our Leaders, in whom we unquestionably believe. We’re absolutely incapable of independent or rational thought. That’s why the mere sight of a chart of elements or a microscope makes us react like chimps being poked at with lit torches. The simple fact is that science terrifies us.

We fear knowledge.

There. I said it. And I feel so much better!

The sole reason I ever pretended to care or be interested in anything you ever said, atheists, is because I was trying to lure you into becoming part of the Christian Borg. How else could I tolerate your soulless prattle? Besides relinquishing our money and time to The Church, we Christians are programmed for one thing, and one thing only: the recruitment of fresh blood into our ranks. Each Sunday every pastor tells every Christian in his congregation how many people they’re responsible for recruiting that week. If by the following Sunday a Christian has failed to meet that week’s personal conversion quota (PCQ), he or she must do penance by washing and detailing the pastor’s car right after the service. That’s why pastors’ cars always look so great. It’s amazing what a little Turtle Wax and a lot of guilt can accomplish.

I want to thank you, atheists, for finally breaking down my barriers, and allowing me to admit that you’ve been right all along. None of we Christians are intellectually curious, genuinely compassionate, congenitally independent, or more interested in truth than doctrine. You were right to insist that we’re all exactly alike, despite all the faux-evidence that we take pains to everywhere provide you to the contrary. Some people say that bigotry and blindly stereotyping groups of others is lazy, stupid and caustically arrogant. But I think it’s safe to say that, in my case anyway, you have absolutely and finally proven its value.