Why don’t my wife Catherine and I have any children, you ask?
Actually, you totally didn‘t ask that. In the past two-and-a-half years, some 15,000 comments have been left on this blog—and not once has anyone asked me why I don’t have kids.
Laggers. You know my life is an open book. I can’t imagine what you could ask me that I wouldn‘t answer.
Wait. Yes, I can.
Yikes. Thank goodness you guys never asked me anything about that.
Anyway, yesterday a fellow did write to ask why my wife and I are sans youngens. And on the very off chance that you, too, are curious about that, here are the reasons that, some thirty years ago, Cat and I decided to fashion our lives in the way that we did.
1. We knew that it was going to take the rest of our lives to understand and (frankly) heal from the unbelievably awful childhoods we each suffered. I’m not generally keen on beginning one thing until I’ve concluded the first.
2. Like Cat, I have no emotional model in my head for Family Togetherness. I know a lot of people are motivated to have a family as a way of perpetuating the good, healthy family relationships they’ve always known. And what a beautifully nurturing thing that is! But for us, that would be like trying to sing along to a distant echo of a song we’ve never heard before. It’s a great song—maybe the great song! We just don’t know it in that personal, build-your-life-around-it kind of way. It’s not what you’d call a natural theme song for our lives.
3. All my life I’ve known that I had to be an artist whose medium is the written word. (I’m not proud of that, and I’m certainly not saying I am an artist with the written word. I’m only saying that I’ve always known that I would spend my life trying to produce art through writing.) Dedicating your life to one thing means not dedicating it to anything else, such as properly raising children. (Plus, I knew that being an artist could very well mean spending my life entirely poor. That had to be okay. And I knew that wouldn’t be okay with me if I were a father.)
4. This’ll sound insane (and insanely negative), but here it is: When I was about ten, I sort of all at once understood (and I’m not saying I was right, just that in my little 10-year-old brain I felt it true) that our planet was doomed. I was walking to school; I looked up at the mountains in the distance; and whooom: I knew we’d clog this earth beyond its capacity to recover itself. Talk about … stopping in your tracks. From that moment until now I’ve watched for evidence of it being Actually True that our race would fail from us destroying our planet. The fact that I’ve always been sure that would happen is why I was okay with not having children. I know it sounds terrible to say, but if our current system hangs together for just another forty years or so, I personally am good. But if I had kids of my own, I wouldn’t be even almost okay with such short-range hopes. Having no children leaves me free to shut the book on this story without really caring how it ends. (I want it to end well, of course! But people need to do whatever they do. And they/we will, as ever. Maybe that’ll involve saving the planet. Maybe it won’t.)
5. Cat and I figured we could always adopt. Why have a kid of your own, when the world’s already filled with perfectly great kids whose parents, for whatever sad reason, had to give them up for adoption?
![John Shore on The Huffington Post](http://johnshore.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/huffpost.jpg?w=120 "John Shore on The Huffington Post\")
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So much for being’ fruitful and multiplying’. Do your own thing!- everyone at this website is a proponent of setting aside the word of God in order to satisty their own selish agenda’s anyway. You’re in the right place
The only thing my very, very, VERY Catholic mother ever told me I could ignore about the Church’s teachings was “that whole birth-control thing.” If my very, very, VERY Catholic mother (with whom I have locked lady-antlers with on a multitude of other religious issues, so she is no lightweight) could tell me it was okay to decide if, when, and how many children to have, then I respect the right of everyone else to make their own decisions too.
I’ve only read two articles and I already love your site!
If you had given me this prompt, these would have been the exact points that I made as well! Though I’m sure I would have been no where near as eloquent as you. The only thing that makes me reconsider is, as an intelligent, rational person with an intelligent, rational partner, I almost feel a duty to put more people like ourselves into this world. I always think of the movie “Idiocracy” when I think along these tracks, and I’d really like for that to be prevented when human beings still have so much potential. There are so many crazies out there, what happens when there’s no one left to fight them? But then I think of the point you yourself brought up – since I am an atheist, after about 60-70 more years, I’m gone anyway, so if I don’t have children, I don’t really have to worry about it! They’re two conflicting viewpoints that war in me constantly (good thing I’m still too young to have kids anyway). I guess I’ll have to pick a winner within the next 10-15 years.
Okay, this is me sticking my tongue out at you for calling ME pessimistic, Mr. “Oh My Gosh the Earth is Doomed.”
(You have a point, though – according to literally every version of the story in every religion everywhere and also in science, this world is doomed. Jesus said that those with children would envy the barren in that day.)
Anyway. Just wanted to say God bless you for not having children you couldn’t afford. I made the same decision for the same reasons – in America, as a professional artist without health care, I can’t have children. I have a sister-in-law who has had to contemplate explaining to her children why Santa didn’t come to their house. I bailed her out, thankfully I had a big contract that year and was rolling, temporarily, in cash, and I was glad to be Santa for them. But I swore at the time that I would slit my own wrists before I would put a child of mine through the stress of being raised in financial fear.
And then by the time we were more financially stable, I had health problems which made pregnancy dangerous.
My husband and I have been foster parents, and I have to say that you would make an awesome foster parent. Unlike normal kids who need parents from sane backgrounds, foster kids need parents who understand what it is to be raped by your dad, kicked down a flight of stairs by mom, locked outside on Christmas morning because dad’s drunk and suddenly decided mom’s an adultress and you’re not his kid. Foster kids need parents with a high level of tolerance for insanity who don’t freak out when the kid steals from your purse, breaks your family heirloom, tries to seduce your best friend, attacks you with both fists, or steals the car and drives it to another state. They need someone who won’t say “I’m out of here, hope they put you in a hole somewhere and fill it in,” but will say, “I know all about doing stupid things because you feel crazy. I still love you, but you don’t get to do that. Here’s what we’re going to do, and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.”
Awesome!
Thank you, John. I appreciate this. While I applaud and respect parents, I have no desire of my own to become one. My husband and I agree on this point. We arrived at this conclusion for several reasons: 1) we both get stressed out when we have responsibility for children, despite the fact that we both think children are adorable; 2) we have neither the energy nor the patience to go into the full-time job of parenting; 3) we would much rather relax and not have to worry about protecting a child, choosing instead to focus on ourselves and each other; 4) we both remember how difficult childhood was, even without specific points of trauma or bad parents; and 5) we simply don’t have the desire to procreate. We both have siblings and lots of nieces and nephews, so our family lines (mixed up as they are) will continue.
But still, every time we discuss this with someone, they tell us what a blessing parenting is. I’m sure it is. In fact, I know plenty of parents who are wonderful, loving, and overjoyed at having children. Like I said, I respect and applaud these people. But it’s not for me, or for my husband. We’ve been together for five years, married for three. We’ve thought long and hard about this and discussed it at length. We know what we want. But still, I constantly get the “you will change your mind” speech.
I can relate to these reasons. The artist one is very interesting! (I feel like I’m trying to justify my existence through art. Kind of failing at it so far…)
I hope too many people don’t ask you this question. It strikes me as rude. Couples don’t have kids either because of a medical issue or because they’ve made a decision. Both/either should be respected.
I can’t justify my existence either. I now feel I should be grateful that I was called out of darkness into this marvelous light. I’ve done my share of procreation, but I don’t feel that justifies anything.
The decision TO or NOT to have children is intensely personal and not for others to judge. Curiosity is one thing, but judgment is not needed here. End story.
Yes indeed!
I’m interested in the amount of defensiveness I see here in both people who identify as parents and those who identify as childless-by-choice. How could a decision as personal as whether or not to devote 20+ years of your life to a single pursuit that could go horribly, horribly wrong despite your best efforts possibly be anyone’s business but your own, whatever you choose? I heard all manner of self-righteous prattle about the importance of having children before I had any, and I’ve heard all manner of self-righteous prattle about why it’s better not to have children since mine were born. And don’t even get me started on people passing judgment on the parenting choices of total strangers… What’s the line? Oh right, fuck ‘em.
Today’s initial conversation about “Mary….being pregnant…” as well as this one, reminded me of the award-winning book by Lois Lowry, _The Giver_. It came along way after I was a teen, so when an excited teen said I “had to read it” and gave me a copy, I read it. I put it on a top 5 to 10 books to *absolutely* read (like Fahrenheit 451, the bible all the way through just to know what human history has been arguing all about at the least….._To Kill a Mockingbird_….and a short list of others).
In any case, if you know the book, you might feel the ‘good aspect’ of that particular ‘culture’ was in knowing each child well, well enough to suit each one to a particular job, or in the protagonist’s case, calling. In this book, “birth mothers” are in fact degraded. But nurturers (of children) are esteemed. I think I had placed in me the ‘stuff’ — or maybe like Oreos, “double-stuff” of being a Nurturer. It’s just the way I was wired. I’ve had traumas galore, but caring for people under 18 just has been in my physical, emotional, mental and whatever other wiring I have.
I think a lot of life comes down to how we each have our own stories—past ones, and present journeys, and future visions. ….and we’re all ‘wired’ (created?) well, yes, absolutely uniquely.
If I had the perfect life
, I’d have a Phd or 2 or 3 regarding how the brain works, child development, and trauma recovery (I think the white-coats call me an auto-didact on that last one—could have my Phd in recovery ;p), but then I’d just work with toddlers and preschoolers. I feel joy around them. I feel like I sense their brains growing as they process the world around them. It has been amazing for me to observe, sometimes, genius develop (I took care of toddlers of Cornell grad students years back and now all of those kids are in grad school themselves). But ‘disability’ in a child is — not to be disrespectful of the difficulty — in different ways, a joyful relationship as well. Honesty, bluntness, humility, and all of the human feelings fresh …and ready to be treated with dignity, honor, respect, and love. I love children.
People who don’t know me or my children might say, given how traumatic my first 20 years were—war crimes traumatic—that I shouldn’t have had two children, then, or ever. I have two young adults that ….know how to love, honor and respect other humans and sometimes “preach” (rant) about it, sometimes join organizations for protecting others from bullying, all the time each is ‘that person’ that other students who are hurting and in pain can come to. Sure I am proud of their life-accomplishments. I cry happy tears at their concerts and events. But that they are both grounded in the knowledge that they are loved, and face the world with that, and that they stand out in this community as young men of true character (other teens descriptions to me, and not ‘just’ parents or teachers): that makes me feel …and believe….that having two children was right for me.
Unfortunately a divorce was ….right… for me, because, though I had a constant, ever-present, pursuit to heal from my past, my ex-husband did not. I could not change that, could not change him, but I could keep molding the good character and talents and traits of my sons in love so that they would keep knowing what is good.
It’s a crazy journey being a parent, and for me [insert the most profound words]….
*Maybe* they’ll be part of the change that this earth needs…..
Everyone copes with a terrible past differently. My father probably should not have had children, but I can’t say I wish he didn’t, because I kinda like being here. He wasn’t a great dad but I do know he loved me, even if he is totally mentally ill and… we’ll not go there.
Anyway, I had a somewhat tumultuous, at times, upbringing, and it spurred me to be sure my children do not have that. I am dead set to provide the most stable, loving, caring, accepting, and positive home for my children as I can. I have two beautiful babies that I would lay down my life for without hesitation. It’s not for everyone- but parenthood is incredible! It’s not necessarily a healer, but it can be the last application of scar cream, to know you didn’t cycle that abuse one more time.
I totally respect anyone who decides against having children. It’s important to know yourself and to be able to make good decisions about things like your intent to procreate. Yay for people making informed decisions!
I’m right there with you. While our reasons are slightly different, my husband and I have agreed that neither one of us have a burning desire to have children. Most people look at us like we are crazy and are completely baffled by the very idea that we wouldn’t want to procreate. It’s a personal choice and no, you can’t talk me into it. Especially after complaining about your own little monsters. I digress. About point number four – have you read “Ishmael”? Great book that touches on that very topic. Also, my husband and I are very much in agreement with point five. My mom did foster care for ten years and was very good at it. So many children need a good, loving home. It broke my heart to see these kids in need. She did adopt three wonderful kids, whom I love. If we decide to have children, we would definitely adopt. Thanks for the posts! I’m a new reader and have been avidly reading the archives
Ruby, I just want to say, as a mother of 2, I completely respect your decision. This ain’t easy, and if you’re not ridden with that burning desire to raise children, it seems to me that this is a lot of… everything?… to endure. Sure, it’s rewarding beyond words, but it’s just not for everyone. There is so much in this life that is rewarding & fulfilling, and we all have our own path to take. I don’t recall any Bible verses that taught us God demands we all procreate. I just want to say, I’m one mom who totally supports your decision, and anyone else who decides that child rearing is just not for them.
(This is not a personally embittered post. I LOVE my children, find nothing else in my life has ever compared and I doubt anything else ever will again, and I’m totally supportive of those who decide parenthood is for them, as well. For me, nothing else could be as fulfilling, but I’m not every person!)
I hear you and I am right there with you, especially regarding the doom of the earth thing (which I also associate with overpopulation). I personally never felt called to have children. I am 48 and very happy that I decided not to procreate. There are too many people having children randomly and without forethought. Bringing a child into the world is a very serious act with many consequences both for the child and the parents, as well as the rest of the world. I wish more people made that decision consciously, whether or not to reproduce. I’m glad you did.
You make an excellent point! Just because people are able to reproduce doesn’t mean they should. I’ve seen too many cases of people having children when they can’t even take care of themselves.
John, this is a terrific post. It sounds like you've come to a place full of love and acceptance for all viewpoints on the subject — for a long time you could find me at the corner of Bitter and Defensive. I grew up in a Catholic family of 5 kids and while I know my parents loved us, it was a hard road most of the time and "family" just didn't bring warm and fuzzy thoughts to me like it did to most people. I babysat, was a nanny and still never wanted my own kids (my sister is also childless though I don't like that term as it implies less than). After I got married in my late 20s, the pressure was enormous to start a family, but my ex wanted no part of having children. I felt God lead me to that place and I was OK with it; I accepted that I didn't have the right person in my life for a journey that I was only half-hearted about to begin with. But life is full of irony: divorced, at the age of 43, I met a wonderful Catholic man who always wanted a big family, who I think would make a wonderful partner and father, but now we're too old to have one.
Wow! The corner of Bitter and Defensive. How perfect is that? And what a story you tell here. What a journey.
John, I stumbled upon this post by a link from somewhere else on your site. First, I want to say that I think it's great that both you and your wife made the decision about whether or not to have children together. I admire people who choose to remain childfree for whatever reason.
As an adoptive mom, I have worked hard as an adoption advocate for years, so I wanted to comment on #5 on your list. I know you didn't say "all" children waiting for adoption are "unwanted." But, the way your statement is worded surely implys so. Most children, whether they were removed from their parents' custody or placed for adoption through an adoption plan by their birthparents, were WANTED and LOVED. But, these parents were unable to provide for their child's basic needs. Unfortunately, some children do suffer for years before their parents' are found to be incompetent because, as we know, sometimes love just isn't enough. My whole point to this is that I never want people to look at my children and think their birthmother didn't want them because she made an adoption plan for them. Because she did. And she loves them still. Adoptees need to know they weren't just discarded.
Those of us with children are amused that you only came up with five reasons not to have children. Need more? Just asking.
I thought I might not have kids when I was young. For selfish reasons, I admit. After all, my life is all about me, me, me! Marriage to a young man with a worse childhood than mine (didn't know it was possible) convinced me otherwise. We would create the family we never had! Brilliant!
Almost thirty years later, we do, indeed, have created the family we never had. And now our kids get to bemoan their wretched childhoods. (we have the therapy bills to prove it)
Guess what? Deciding to have children has got to be the most wildly hopeful scheme ever invented.
I applaud your descision….If God wants, or wanted you to have children He would have put that desire in your heart. Rasing children is a "FULLTIME COMMITMENT". God gave us two "Special Needs " children and they are 40 and 42 and still living at home. While I've enjoyed our children there have been some very deep concern about what will happen when we can no longer take care of them. I try to hold on to my Faith and that Our Lord will care for these adult children…….To be very truthfull If I had it to do over again I would have become a NUN with a Nursing Degree and spent my life is complete service to Jesus. Just because one can have children doesn't necessarily mean they should……I am old now and still have these "Kids" to love and care for…….God Bless you for sharing and God Bless me and help me to make the right decisions for my children's future here on Earth. One day we'll all stand before Jesus and these "Traumas" of earth will be gone…….EN'SO LORD JESUS QUICKLY COME………
While I relate to numbers 1, 2, and 5, the reality for me is that the desire to have kids just isn't there. It hasn't been since I was 13, I've prayed through it for years, been told by others that "you'll change your mind at 25, 30, etc.", and here I am, 20 years later with no desire at all and a peace from God about it. Had that desire actually emerged, I absolutely would have had kids despite my dysfunctional history or any concerns about my ability and sought counsel/direction to do that. Can God change that in future? Sure, and I'd do it in a hearbeat if He made it apparent.
To those that said that we childless shouldn't have to defend our stance, you're right, but just look at the offensive posture of the parents who commented here. Nowhere did John attack parents, parenting, or kids, nor did he question those who have decided to become parents.
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