Why don’t my wife Catherine and I have any children, you ask?
Actually, you totally didn‘t ask that. In the past two-and-a-half years, some 15,000 comments have been left on this blog—and not once has anyone asked me why I don’t have kids.
Laggers. You know my life is an open book. I can’t imagine what you could ask me that I wouldn‘t answer.
Wait. Yes, I can.
Yikes. Thank goodness you guys would never ask me anything about that.
Anyway, yesterday the fellow who runs this blog here did ask me why my wife and I are sans youngins. And on the very off chance that you, too, are curious about that, here are the reasons that, some thirty years ago, Cat and I decided to fashion our lives in the way that we did.
1. Cat and I knew that it was going to take the rest of our lives to understand and (frankly) heal from the unbelievably awful childhoods we each suffered. I’m not generally keen on beginning one thing until I’ve concluded the first.
2. Like Cat, I have no emotional model in my head for Family Togetherness. I know a lot of people are motivated to have a family as a way of perpetuating the good, healthy family relationships they’ve always known. And what a beautifully nurturing thing that is! But for us, that would be like trying to sing along to a distant echo of a song we’ve never heard before. It’s a great song—maybe the great song! We just don’t know it in that personal, build-your-life-around-it kind of way.
3. All my life I’ve known that I had to be an artist whose medium is the written word. (I’m not proud of that, and I’m certainly not saying I’ve achieved anything in that regard. I’m only saying that I’ve always known that I would spend my life trying to produce art through writing.) Dedicating your life to one thing means not dedicating it to anything else. (Plus, I knew that being an artist could very well mean spending my life entirely poor. That had to be okay. And I knew that wouldn’t be okay with me if I were a father.)
4. This’ll sound insane (and insanely negative), but here it is: When I was about 10, I sort of all at once understood (and I’m not saying I was right, just that in my little 10-year-old brain I felt it true) that our planet was doomed. I was walking to school; I looked up at the mountains in the distance; and whooom: I knew we’d clog this earth beyond its capacity to recover itself. Talk about … stopping in your tracks. From that moment until now I’ve watched for evidence of it being Actually True that our race would fail from us destroying our planet. The fact that I’ve always been sure that would happen is why I was okay with not having children. I know it sounds terrible to say, but if our current system hangs together for just another 40 years or so, I’m good. But if I had kids of my own, I wouldn’t be even almost okay with such short-range hopes. Having no children leaves me free to shut the book on this story without really caring how it ends. (I want it to end well, of course! But people need to do whatever they do. And they/we will, as ever. Maybe that’ll involve saving the planet. Maybe it won’t.)
5. Cat and I figured we could always adopt. Why have a kid of your own, when the world’s already filled with perfectly great kids no one wants?
Posted by Dennis Dawson on November 20, 2009 at 11:22 am
Two of the better people on the planet decided not to keep their genes in the pool. Meanwhile, less qualified people breed capriciously.
The fact that you have these concerns is a good argument for your ability to raise children well.
Many writers have children, and find that the experience of parenting has a positive influence on their writing.
However, it is your choice to make. I wouldn’t try to sway you one way or the other. Your starting point is your best argument: “Cat and I decided not to have children.”
Posted by John Shore on November 20, 2009 at 11:26 am
Yeah, we would have been good parents. I mean, I love kids; I worked in childcare for years, and once thought to make a career of it. Children are the one kind of person around whom I’m always comfortable. And yes, of course many writers have children. I mean … I’m not saying these are the same reasons for which I’d make the same choice today. I’m just saying that these are the reasons for which I then made the decision I did.
Posted by Laraba on November 20, 2009 at 1:13 pm
I used to think the same thing… I grew up in a Christian home but had some serious trauma associated with abuse by a teacher, as well as struggles associated with frequent moves and school problems. I was depressed off and on for years. Not only did I not want kids, I didn’t want a husband either! When I was 25, the Lord brought me a wonderful counselor and I experienced much healing (I am sure my own experiences were far less traumatic than yours– I haven’t followed your blog so don’t know details.) He then firmly brought me into marriage with a new Christian who had come out of a childhood marred by an alcoholic father and divorce. The Lord then firmly led us to open our lives to many children. We have been married 12 + years and have six children now. I think what distresses me a bit about your blog is that you talk about how “you decided” for various reasons. Yes the world is a mess. But we have Christ, and it seems to me that if you choose to block children, you should be down on your knees praying like crazy over such a decision. The Bible seems pretty clear that we are to be fruitful in many ways, and one way is childbearing. We are not incredible people, but we are lovers of Christ and while our kids may go through tremendous difficulty, I believe and hope and trust that God will use our children to bless others. I do understand your reasons, just hope that those in similar situations would seek God’s will through the Bible, not through an emotional response to the trauma of earlier years and fears about the future of this planet. Again, I hope I am not coming across as strongly critical, just encourage all those in a similar boat to ask GOD and not depend on one’s one desires and feelings about having kids. (BTW, we have a fantastic marriage and adore our kids. Nope, we’re not perfect, but very glad at God’s leading to have a bunch of kiddos in the house.)
Posted by Dale on November 20, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Thanks for sharing. Seriously. Interesting how childhood/family/early-life experiences shape us. I actually believe that having children and raising them in a good family, with genuine, passion-driven faith will make a positive impact on where the world goes from here. Of course, that belief system stems from strong family models I’ve been exposed to, and is challenged by less-than-strong family models I’ve been exposed to. Since I really have no idea where it all leads, my backup plan is just to do what I think seems right, i.e. make a decision, and let God sort it out. Either way, I’m glad, after all this time, your story is on the table and part of my picture.
Posted by John Shore on November 20, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Larab: I’m 51; these are the reasons that I made the decision I did some 30 years ago. (I went back and changed the text to reflect that; I do sometimes forget that I’m not writing only to people who follow this blog. Thanks for the reminder!)
Posted by Robin on November 20, 2009 at 3:42 pm
My husband and I are 36 & 35, and we decided not long after we got married 10 years ago that we didn’t want kids. Some of our reasons were because of messed up families and not wanting to deal with some genetic issues, which always bring the response of, “Oh, well, God will protect,” or “break the generational curse,” or something.
Other than that, we just straight-up don’t want them. There just isn’t a burning desire for kids, which I think is okay. Why should we do something because we’re “supposed to” if God did not place that desire in our hearts?
Sure, now that I’m 35, I have a few more instances of, “Oh, but…” as was predicted. But usually, within a short amount of time, one of the reasons we don’t want kids will pop up, and I’m calm again.
If the burning desire arises and won’t go away- we’ll adopt.
Posted by Stuart on November 20, 2009 at 4:47 pm
Great post. once again. Thisis a very complex issue and I like the way that you have worked through it.
There is also no doubt that it gives you more time to be the father of this blog and keep some sort of order over the errant kids on here!
Posted by smithkov on November 20, 2009 at 8:16 pm
Being part of a couple that’s wrestling with the question of kids, it’s very helpful to read this. (It’s interesting how crazy some of our family finds the fact the fact that my wife and I got married without a firm decision in place about kids. We knew we wanted to spend our lives with each other. That’s enough.)
That said, your post made me think of the opening to Mike Judge’s Idiocracy:
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/2682654/idiocracy_opening_sequence/
Posted by smithkov on November 20, 2009 at 8:18 pm
Being part of a couple that’s wrestling with the question of kids, it’s very helpful to read this. (It’s interesting how crazy some of our family finds the fact that my wife and I got married without a firm decision in place about kids. We knew we wanted to spend our lives with each other. That’s enough.)
That said, your post made me think of the opening to Mike Judge’s Idiocracy:
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/2682654/idiocracy_opening_sequence/
Posted by smithkov on November 20, 2009 at 8:20 pm
Apologies for the repeat.
Posted by wickle on November 20, 2009 at 8:25 pm
“I can’t imagine what you could ask me that I wouldn‘t answer.”
When I was working in retail, the front-end manager was having a meeting for the cashiers, copy center associates, and such. He told us all to ask lots of questions and recited that mantra, “There’s no such thing as a stupid question.” He finally acknowledged the fallacy of that statement after he was asked how they stuff Twinkies.
I’ve always been wary of making such challenges.
Anyway … thanks for sharing. I can especially understand reasons 2 and 5 … but since you’re not trying to convince me, it doesn’t matter what I think, does it? Heck, if you wanted to convince me not to have kids, you’re really, really late.
Posted by Greta Sheppard on November 20, 2009 at 8:27 pm
To each his own, John . . . while some see the glass half empty , others see the glass half full…by that I mean that God could ‘over -rule’ your prevention methods any time He wanted to. However, He loved you enough to honor your desires. How beautifull is that.
The other side of the coin is this . . . perhaps He put it in your heart in the first place, to be fatherless. You are a warm and caring human being and there’s lots of love there to be poured out on others. I bless you and Cat with God’s favor!
Posted by Lisa Scott on November 20, 2009 at 9:10 pm
Not to diminish what I have…but man…..I wish I would have thought like that 30 years ago.
Posted by Liz Edmundson on November 20, 2009 at 9:28 pm
If someone doesn’t want children they shouldn’t have them, nor should they have to defend why they didn’t.
Posted by eastonfriends on November 20, 2009 at 11:39 pm
So very honest John, thanks for putting it out there. Some people just DON’T want children and why does that have to be defended? I had a happy childhood, am with someone who also had a happy childhood, neither of us had major trauma as children and yet neither one of us want children. But boy, is that hard to explain sometimes!
So thanks for your honesty. Appreciate reading what I’ve wanted to put into words for years. Like you I’ve been keeping God on His toes since 1958.
Posted by texastee on November 21, 2009 at 8:28 am
it must be cool to have a wife named Cat
Posted by Larry Who on November 21, 2009 at 9:20 am
Okay, these were your reasons for not having children thirty years ago, have your views changed since then, or are the same?
For instance, your #4 reason has been held by many believers for various reasons throughout history, who did not want to bring children into such a messed-up world. And yet, the world has continued on and on.
So, I’d be interested in hearing your thoughts? (BTW I believe having children is a personal decision which should be made between husband and wife, and should not be judged by the rest of us.)
Posted by John Shore on November 21, 2009 at 9:31 am
Hey, all. Thanks for all these wonderful comments. It just … kills me, how thoughtful you all are.
Larry: Not sure what you’re asking. Do you mean would I have children today if I could, or if, knowing what I know now, and I was 23 again, I’d make that same decision.
Well, either way, I wouldn’t have kids today (or … me yesterday via today) for pretty much all of the exact same reasons—except for reason #1, which is no longer relevant. But now I’m actually ENJOYING writing (which for most of my life wasn’t much to me but a curse); I STILL have to be okay with being poor; I still don’t want to be the environmental activist I know I’d have to be if I had children, and I would still rather adopt. So … yeah. Same.
Posted by ~Julia~ on November 21, 2009 at 9:44 am
Chlidren are a great blessing and an honor. It takes much patience and love to help them grow into well balanced adults. It takes courage to know and understand this. There is nothing wrong in deciding to have no children.
Of course, in some cultures since you have no children of your own that means you are basically parents of all the children in camp.
Maybe we should call you ‘Grandpa’…?
Posted by John Shore on November 21, 2009 at 9:49 am
I prefer “Chief.” But whatever.
Posted by ~Julia~ on November 21, 2009 at 10:25 am
As it was told to me long ago; we are an Elder to all younger than us.
You too, John, are an Elder.
As such you; we; have a duty and responsiblity to the young. We must learn and show them how to walk in balance, humility and beauty. It is we who they look up to and learn from. Our words and actions have a profound impact on the young. We must be mindfull of what we teach them.
You may or may not be a ‘Chief” for that is for our Elders to decide, but /you/ are an Elder to those younger than you. As are all of us, parents or not. It is a part of what our walks are about. We should remember this and strive to walk well and in balance.
May you walk in Beauty,
Peace.
~julia
Posted by Latoya on November 21, 2009 at 10:48 am
Thank you! I have ALWAYS wanted to ask you this!!! I just thought maybe it’s a sensitive issue, so I just waited, hoping someone else would ask, or you would just tell us..as you have
Posted by John Shore on November 21, 2009 at 11:02 am
Latoya: Seriously? You’ve EVER thought about why I have no kids? My goodness! I never imagined anyone would … even almost vaguely care.
You know, for the record, you can ask me ANYTHING. I deeply appreciate your discretion (always a sign of intelligence and class), but never hesitate to ask me anything. I’m not so vain that I imagine the dynamics that define my life are any different than those that define anyone else’s. So I’m … comfortable discussing. Ya hear dat, my Jamaican sista?
God, that was lame. I know you’ll forgive me.
Tell us!! How would you, in Jamiacan patois, say, “Do you understand what I am saying, sister?” Or, “You do understand what I’m saying, do you not, sister?” You know I love this stuff.
Posted by Laraba on November 21, 2009 at 12:29 pm
I know I already commented and don’t want to beat a dead horse. But I do think that as a culture we have raised the idea of “my desires” to a height that is not Scriptural. The question isn’t whether you (meaning anyone who is married and biologically capable) want kids, but whether GOD wants you to have kids. We’re the ones with 6 kids who were born in less than 8 years. There were times when a new baby on the way was a shock and took some getting used to. It took effort for us to stay close in the middle of morning sickness and fatigue and then the exhaustion of a new little one. But our leading from God was to be open to many children. I suppose God could tell a couple he doesn’t want them to have children, but to just say “I don’t feel like having them.” doesn’t seem to take the Lord’s direction into account. The Biblical picture seems clear that children ARE a blessing from Him, and barrenness is a sad part of Fallen Creation. (Interesting that in Exodus the text seems to say that the Hebrews were BLESSED with many children during a time of slavery. Talk about a difficult time to bring children into the world!) Every child conceived is an eternal soul. God says in Malachi 2 that He desires godly offspring, and what better place for a child to be raised than in a devoted Christian family. For us to decide on our own, without prayer or a humble study of the Word, that we want to block an eternal soul seems like serious business to me. And of course yes, God can circumvent birth control, but He rarely stops us from stepping outside His will like that. We do have free will and if we want to refuse a blessing, than He will generally let us.
I realize from previous comments that my views are not in line with most reading this blog. I hope you won’t take my comments as being critical… I am merely raising the issue in the minds who are still of an age to make this decision. As Christians, I hope we all will go to God and the Word for direction in the big areas of life — who to marry, kids, career, etc. And way up there on the list of important decisions is the question of children.
Posted by John Shore on November 21, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Laraba: People from across the spectrum of Christianity read this blog. So you never need to wonder whether whatever you’re saying meshes with the sensibilities of anyone reading this blog. You can assume it does with at least some of them.
I’m not going to comment on what you’ve said. Suffice it to say that I’m extremely comfortable with my reasoning for the decision my wife and I made. I listen to God—and always have. I simply don’t hear him saying the same things to me that you’ve heard him saying to you, at all. But that’s fair, and natural. All love and all that, yes?
Posted by textjunkie on November 21, 2009 at 5:11 pm
Married 17 years here and happily childfree, here, and your reasons would echo with mine (barring the childhood one, and you’d have to swap writer for my career).
Posted by Melissa on November 21, 2009 at 10:01 pm
John – I have to say that I always wondered as well but would never dare to ask as it might have been a very painful answer. I had a miserable childhood but I damn well knew I could do a better job than my parents did! I guess some pass on the misery to their children and then others, like myself, are determined to do it right! My parents were the most remote people on the planet – always locked up in their own drama to pay us any mind at all except when they needed an anger outlet. I have always felt this tremendous amount of love inside of myself and when my son was born I loved him instantly and without any reservation. He is my greatest gift. I have to admit I cannot imagine not wanting children – not having that desire – but at the same time having great admiration for knowing exactly what you want and staying on that path despite of what others may have said about it. My only sadness now is I still wonder why they could not have loved me as I love my own child. I was a good kid dammit!
Posted by onemansbeliefs on November 22, 2009 at 1:52 pm
The Mrs and I get asked all the time if we have kids. My response is, “When we got married, I asked if she wanted kids. She said, yes. Just not yours.”
We made the choice to be childless for the first 5 years of our marriage (16 1/2 years now). This was so we could get to know each other better and enjoy some things without the added responsibility of children. After the 5 years was up we just didn’t have any. We are happy and do not feel as if we have missed anything in this life as we live vicariously through others where children are concerned.
Posted by Robin on November 22, 2009 at 4:11 pm
in response to it being biblical, I’d point out that not everyone has to get married. Paul said that he’d rather people stayed single to focus on God’s work. So- those people are acting on a calling OR desire and they aren’t going to have kids. I think it’s just as valid for a couple to not have kids so they can focus on other things and God will use them in ways that he couldn’t use them if they had kids. I’m in seminary, I work with both the high school and college groups at church, and my husband also works with the high school group. We have oodles of nieces/nephews/cousins, so there are kids that we influence, for sure.
Posted by skerrib on November 22, 2009 at 9:07 pm
I’m in there with Latoya & Melissa…the question crossed my mind but it’s one of those questions I don’t generally just up & ask, in case it’s a sore spot.
Anyway, thanks for sharing that.
Posted by Anonymous on November 23, 2009 at 9:44 am
While I relate to numbers 1, 2, and 5, the reality for me is that the desire to have kids just isn’t there. It hasn’t been since I was 13, I’ve prayed through it for years, been told by others that “you’ll change your mind at 25, 30, etc.”, and here I am, 20 years later with no desire at all and a peace from God about it. Had that desire actually emerged, I absolutely would have had kids despite my dysfunctional history or any concerns about my ability and sought counsel/direction to do that. Can God change that in future? Sure, and I’d do it in a hearbeat if He made it apparent.
To those that said that we childless shouldn’t have to defend our stance, you’re right, but just look at the offensive posture of the parents who commented here. Nowhere did John attack parents, parenting, or kids, nor did he question those who have decided to become parents.
Posted by Rebecca Wold on November 23, 2009 at 2:40 pm
I applaud your descision….If God wants, or wanted you to have children He would have put that desire in your heart. Rasing children is a “FULLTIME COMMITMENT”. God gave us two “Special Needs ” children and they are 40 and 42 and still living at home. While I’ve enjoyed our children there have been some very deep concern about what will happen when we can no longer take care of them. I try to hold on to my Faith and that Our Lord will care for these adult children…….To be very truthfull If I had it to do over again I would have become a NUN with a Nursing Degree and spent my life is complete service to Jesus. Just because one can have children doesn’t necessarily mean they should……I am old now and still have these “Kids” to love and care for…….God Bless you for sharing and God Bless me and help me to make the right decisions for my children’s future here on Earth. One day we’ll all stand before Jesus and these “Traumas” of earth will be gone…….EN’SO LORD JESUS QUICKLY COME………
Posted by Suzy on November 24, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Those of us with children are amused that you only came up with five reasons not to have children. Need more? Just asking.
I thought I might not have kids when I was young. For selfish reasons, I admit. After all, my life is all about me, me, me! Marriage to a young man with a worse childhood than mine (didn’t know it was possible) convinced me otherwise. We would create the family we never had! Brilliant!
Almost thirty years later, we do, indeed, have created the family we never had. And now our kids get to bemoan their wretched childhoods. (we have the therapy bills to prove it)
Guess what? Deciding to have children has got to be the most wildly hopeful scheme ever invented.