Just say no to accepting what's unacceptable
If you’re single, the question of whether or not it’s okay to be Facebook friends with an ex has a simple answer: Who cares? You’re single. If you want to make yesterday’s ex today’s next with a text, be my guext.
The world is your accept button!
But you married people know that being FB friends with an ex is a whole other can of squirms.
There you are, relatively innocently scrolling through the Facebook group of your graduating high school class. Look—there’s that person you used to know! And there’s another! And another! There’s that girl who went with that one guy! There’s that guy who was always getting in trouble! Why, it’s just like being at your high school reunion—except that instead of being dressed up and trying to look cool, you’re wearing your ancient bathrobe, and sprawled in your chair like Melto, the Wonder Schlump.
And then your mouse-finger freezes, and your heart leaps out of your chest and plops down onto the floor and hustles its leaky self down to the corner drugstore, because suddenly you see staring at you from a picture the size of a postage stamp someone you used to really, really know.
Someone you knew so well that the only person in this world who knows exactly how well is that person.
There’s your old flame. Still among the living. Not dead. Not faded into the ephemeral. Not dissolved into the past.
Alive.
And looking pretty good!
And right there is where you need to shut down your browser, Bowzer. Time to execute a Facebook about-face. Don’t look back. Don’t wave good-bye. Don’t let the moment linger. Shut ‘er down like a nuclear power plant whose glow you could see from the moon.
You know the old saying: “He who in stealth again approaches that tree from whence he did once exuberantly gnosh will find there now naught but sour, moldy fruit certain to deliver unto his system a sickness ruinous to his evening and way beyond that if he doesn’t knock it off right now.” (If that’s not a saying with which you are familiar, then it’s clear you need to read more books.)
Facebook has a way of tempting you to turn–with but a touch of a key!—the past into the present. And at the moment that possibility presents itself to you, it all seems innocent enough. So you become a Facebook friend with an old flame. So what? It’s not like you’re going to run out of your house and meet your erstwhile paramour at the local No-Tell Motel. It’s just social media, after all. You’re really just being sociable, right?
Wrong.
Wrong, wrong, wrong: and you know it. In fact, I’m not even going to insult you by going into why it’s wrong. You already know why.
Well, on the very off-chance that you’ve forgotten: If you did begin to engage an old flame of yours via Facebook, would you tell your spouse that you had? If not, then by hitting that “accept” (or send) button, you just volunteered to become a flat-out liar—and you’re treating your wife or husband the way you sure wouldn’t want them to treat you. Would you want your spouse to be any kind of friends with someone with whom they used to be even a little in love?
The rules of marriage are perfectly clear: If you wouldn’t want your spouse to do it, then you can’t do it yourself. And part of what you can’t do is is in any way leave open the door of your life to someone of the opposite sex who used to be central to your life. Not because you know you know there’s no danger of your again being in a relationship with that person, but because it’s simply not fair to ask your spouse to have to be okay with you maintaining that relationship.
Part of “I do” means “I won’t.” And part of what you’re not supposed to do when you’re married is either lie to your spouse, or give them any reason to believe that you’d like to in any way continue a relationship with your ex.
Don’t worry that you’ll hurt the feelings of your ex by totally ignoring them on Facebook (or anywhere else). If they’re in a real relationship, they’ll understand. And if they’re not in a real relationship, and are instead sniffing around looking for the kind of emotional if not physical dalliances in which people are forever allowing themselves to become entangled because they’re just too weak, lazy, or stupid to control themselves (hey: nobody said being a grown-up was pretty), then what do you care for such a person anyway? Let them go find someone who, like they, is a little fuzzy on who exactly they are.
You know who you are. The whole key to life lies in never forgetting it. Even in those times—especially in those times—when life itself seems to be conspiring to give you reason to.
(The follow-up to this post is The Radical Immaturity of True Romantic Love.)
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Textjunie: How is being okay with your spouse’s continuation of a relationship important in their past a sign of emotional self-assurance? What does it say about how I feel about my wife if I basically don’t CARE if she has chosen to maintain her relationship with an erstwhile flame of hers? On the surface of it my being okay with that can masquerade as emotional self-assurance. But right below that can only be one thing: emotional detachment. I either care, or I don’t. There’s no way to be in love and NOT care. If I don’t care, then that can only mean that … well, that I don’t care.
I’m still in agreement with you John.
My comments were more directed to the folks that seem to think its harmless. Its not.
You are also right on target about our spouse’s feelingss. It’s not worth it. My spouse is my best friend. I care deeply about what hurts him. I’ve spent the last 18 years (yesterday was our anniversary) working on making our marriage last this long. Many times, I’ve had to sacrifice what i wanted to the best interests of us as a couple, and visa versa. Like you lasting 30 years, I’m sure you understand that comment too
They’re jealous of the affections of those with whom they’re in passionate love. If you’re in a marriage and it doesn’t bother you that your spouse is maintaining a relationship with their ex, that’s not a mark of emotional maturity. That’s a mark that you’ve got a problem with your marriage.
Nope, gotta disagree with you there; it’s a mark of emotional self-assuredness. This “oh my god you talked to another woman/man you’re EVIL” jealous response makes no sense to me.
I think a lot of it depends on what this “relationship” consists of–emailing every day with personal updates that you don’t cc your spouse on is yeah, weird and asking for trouble. The annual happy-birthday email, swapping Christmas letters or an occasional group outing with mutual friends, ok fine. If you’re not writing or saying anything to your ex anything you’d be ashamed to let your spouse see, what’s the problem? (and yes, I’ve been married 15+ years–not the 30+ you’ve done but give me time.
Beth: Thanks—but I’m not saying you shouldn’t keep an old relationship alive because YOU’LL be tempted to transgress. I’m saying it’s not fair to ask your spouse to be okay with you remaining in contact with an ex. That’s all.
Stephanie: William started his comment by saying that my post was “completely ridiculous.” That’s a pretty raw insult, and gives me permission to lean on him a bit. And he linked his name, right here, to his FB page: I hardly went “creeping” around it. And I wanted to know if he was married; because, frankly, if he’s not, what he says carries no weight. It just … can’t.
If you don’t mind—what with it being my blog, and all—I’ll go ahead and keep handling people who comment on it (this is not Mr. Ely’s first commentary on my thoughts) the way I think best. Thanks.
I agree 100% with you on this one John.
Steve Arterburn wrote a book titled “Every Man’s Battle”, whereas he does go into the reasons why a married man should never ever reconnect with a old flame. He fills up three chapters at least on the subject. A woman would do well to read this book too.
Basically, if you crack open the door to temptation, you are leaving yourself extemely vunerable. Don’t most affairs start off innocent? Maybe right now you and your spouse are happy and getting along. Things are running smoothly. But all of us that have been married for years and years know the status quo can change on a dime. Illness, money woes, in-laws, job demands. teen agers, It doesn’t take long for there to be a shift in a marriage that strains the relationship and then…watch out.
At that point, having a friend of the opposite sex that you find attractive, that understands you, that you share an intimate history with. One you can sit back and literately open the history book in your mind and reconnect with the images, sounds, tastes and feel of thier body with yours. Thats not imagination, or fantasy,,That is reality, and it is dangerous to the married couple. Period.
God’s rules on this are very clear. It ‘s all over the Bible. Not just what we do physically, but with our hearts and minds. Satan is real, If you think that you are somehow immune from this tempation, you are being very foolish. If Satan wasn’t afraid to go into Gods own turf (Eden), and mess with God’s own people (Adam and Eve) and twist God’s own words, what makes you think he won’t mess with you?
Freud (if he lived today, of course) wouldn’t have said that. He knew better.
John, I think you were a little harsh with William. You probably shouldn’t creep around on peoples FB pages who have been kind enough to “friend” you and give you access to their page. And you certainly should not use that information against them in a way that can be as hurtful as a person’s relationship status. By all means continue the discussion but don’t be rude and have some compassion, please.
I agree with you John, therefore you must be wrong!
You are right. Period.
Again, I'm still a little surpised that you are generalizing so much about marriages and how they are supposed to work. I think there is a BIG difference between emailing someone every day and being Facebook friends with them. Emailing definitely seems more intimate. I like to know and find out how people in my past who I don't communicate with on a regular basis, and I think Facebook acts like the annual Christmas letter–allows me a chance to see how they are doing and that things are going well. I've had friends on both sides of the fence–ones who have "secretly" been in contact with exes and ones who have just had them as Facebook friends. The ones with the Facebook friends don't seem to have any secrets and aren't trying to hide anything from their spouses AND their spouses don't care. I think there is a problem with a marriage if one is so insecure that they are going to be jealous of their spouse's ex(es). They exist. They are part of their life and always will be. Being a Facebook friend certainly doesn't indicate a "relationship." Cause I have over 200 Facebook friends and can honestly say I don't have a "relationship" with all of them. Maybe, it's because I KNOW without a doubt that I personally would never EVER cheat on someone or help someone cheat on their spouse that it doesn't bother me. I'd much rather have that own faith in my spouse than to spend my life worried that he might be going back to an ex. If someone is going to cheat, they are going to do so whether it's with an ex or not. They'll usually find a way. I think your all or nothing take on this seems a little harsh. I'd much rather have a little faith that my spouse wouldn't have an affair with an ex, than constantly be worried that he will.
I think it can be okay.
I would hope so, as I have “friended” an ex on Facebook. My husband also knows about it, and isn’t threatened by it. This particular Facebook friend is someone I’ve known most of my life (childhood and adulthood) and remained friends with even after our romantic entanglement ended. We both know we’d never have worked long term as a couple and neither of us is seeking to rekindle old flames that never should have kindled in the first place.
As Freud would say, “sometimes a facebook friend is just a facebook friend.”
I’m okay with a blanket rule on this one, because all people are the same: They’re jealous of the affections of those with whom they’re in passionate love. If you’re in a marriage and it doesn’t bother you that your spouse is maintaining a relationship with their ex, that’s not a mark of emotional maturity. That’s a mark that you’ve got a problem with your marriage.
Look: There’s no way you should be okay with your spouse emailing their ex: if you are okay with that, you’re not really in love with your spouse, and so don’t really care what they do. The only possible way for you to be okay with them having exchanges with their ex that you can’t possibly be aware of it is if you SEE every email that transpires between them and their ex. But how exactly would that work? Do they print out and bring you every exchange? That’s insane.
You’re either interested in what’s going on with your ex, or you’re not. If you’re not, you can let them go. If you ARE, then why?
Roger: EXACTLY! See, now, if I would have put it THAT way, I wouldn't be being called asinine and immature. Thanks for the support—and the good phrasing! But, in truth, I knew I'd get some resistance with this. People LOVE them a little extra-curricular emotional buzz. I knew people would claim it's a mark of emotional sophistication/maturity that in their marriage its okay to maintain FB friendships. It's just … something people are really, really loathe to give up. Cuz very few things tickle your ego like innocently corresponding with an ex.
I almost feel sorry for you today, John; taking a definite stand is always unpopular with somebody. Many people would never tell their spouse they object to the facebook friendship with the ex-even if they feel weird about it. If we ask them if it is okay and they say no, then we will ask why they don't trust us. If they feel weird about it and say yes, then they are forced to live with the weirdness while acting like everything is ok. The fact we all know we should discuss this with our spouse is evidence of our objecting conscience.
Oh–right. I keep forgetting to say that. Shared children is the one factor that does make it okay to maintain your relationship with an ex. Righto. Of course. Thanks, Melesa.
I totally agree with John on this one! Why would you even want to converse with somebody that you used to share everything with…How did that work for ya? Don't even think about it (unless you have small children to share) it's over! STAY AWAY!
Here's the thing …
Why mess around with temptation? If I might wax mildly theological here for a moment, I seem to think that we all have this sinful nature. Why tempt it?
How many people do we all know who play games with (figuratively) stick their hands in the fire just to prove that they won't get burned? How many of them wind up getting burned?
I knew a kid who decided in college that he would go to a college bar and witness to the other college kids there. Then he started going to the night club, figuring that those people needed him even more. Do I need to tell you how that worked out?
I do not have a friendly relationship with my ex-wife. (Granted, she's an adulteress who tried to drive me to suicide, but that's beside the point …) I wouldn't expect my wife to understand if I wanted to hang out with my ex-wife. I'm married, and that is more important to me than anything I might get from being in touch with my ex. We have a semi-cordial, businesslike relationship. That certainly doesn't include Facebook.
I'm with John … there are enough temptations out in the world already. Why add to those the person with whom you used to sleep?
John, I kind of disagree with you on this one. However, I do agree that if you are doing this in “private” without your spouse’s knowledge that is indeed a red flag. I think that Facebook can be an nice way to stay in touch with people who used to be a part of your life. However, if one is engaging in personal conversation that they need to hide from a spouse, it’s definitely not okay. One caveat, if it bothers your spouse, regardless of your intentions, you shouldn’t do it. But, I know that it wouldn’t bother me–unless, it was secretive. I don’t consider all of my Facebook friends to be people that I speak to on a regular basis, but it’s still nice to catch up and see how they are doing once in awhile. I think it’s the secrets that destroy relationships, not the past relationships. And, I know I’m not married, but I’ve seen my married friends maintain Facebook relationships with old flames and not have any problems.
I think this is one of those things that kinda has to be decided by each couple. I don’t think there’s a blanket rule about it. Some people can handle that kind of thing and some can’t. I don’t think that the feelings of your mate should suffer because of it though … no friend or ex should be that important. I WILL say this, though. I do have one old boyfriend as one of my FB friends, but I didn’t do it without talking to my husband about it first, and fully believing that he was really OK with it. And we talk about the few conversations I’ve had with the ex.
One of the most interesting things that came out of my accepting a friend request from an old boyfriend was this: He wasn’t as smart or charming or wonderful as I remembered. And he made me so much more grateful than I already was that I married the man I did. So yeah, maybe sometimes people find themselves longing for those glory days with the ex … but it had the exact opposite effect for me. I wonder what I ever saw in him.
I figured that was the case. It’s a shame that some people do believe that however – I can’t imagine they have much of a life.
Matt: What?! No, of course I agree with you that it’s … well, insane for a married man to have a rule in his life that he could never be alone in a room with a woman. That’s … absurd. That’s … not my line of thought at all.
John, I totally agree with what you said.
I think one can go too far with this line of thought however. I know their is a certain type of Evangelical who thinks it would be a really bad idea for a married man to even be alone in the same room with a woman (or vice versa). Maybe I’d think differently if I was irrestible to women and they were thowing themselves at me but I’ve never had that particular problem (if you could call that a problem). I’ve always been of the opinion that this type of thinking is a bit too paranoid. I mean there are all sorts of temptations everywhere, and if one truly wanted to avoid them all he wouldn’t even be walking out of his door in the morning. I’m single though, so maybe you’ve got a different opinion.
I think I agree with you.
However, pretty much everyone 23 and below has a Facebook page and usually all their friends including their exes are on it.
So when they get married all there exes will still be there. Unless of course they want to go through the process of blocking the ex from their Facebook page, which could be miscontrued by the ex as a malicious putdown. It’s one thing not to accept a friend request, but it’s another to actually block them, I think. Any thoughts?
I don’t know that I totally agree with you on this one, John. I think you’re assuming that just because a person is an “ex” that this means there’s a chance of somehow rekindling those feelings simply by friending them on Facebook.
I have an ex who is a Facebook friend, and while this person is an extremely nice person, and I love this person’s wife and I think they have adorable children, and I’m so very happy that his life has turned out so well, the ONLY “us” thing in my head when I view his posts on Facebook is “Thank GOD we’re not together anymore.” I don’t dislike him, but I see now that we were not good for each other and I’m glad that we broke up, even though it hurt at the time. I’m also happy that I’m able to still keep up with what is happening with him and his family, because they really are wonderful people.
I think the best way to handle anything like this is simply to be open and honest with your spouse. Ask them if they have a problem with it–and if they do, then find out why and talk about it. Don’t just assume that there’s no way to get past it. Work at it. That’s what marriage is (or should be) about.
There shouldn’t be any closed doors in a marriage. I do agree with you on that–if you can’t talk to your spouse about something, or feel uncomfortable talking about it…it’s a pretty good sign you NEED to talk about it. And if they just can’t figure out how to be comfortable with whatever it is, then commitment and love dictates you shouldn’t do whatever it is.
But don’t take the easy way out by putting a blanket ban on something. That might be easier, but it’s not going to make a marriage deeper or help bring people (beyond just marriage) into healthy relationships.
Well. as for me I am cool with being friends with my ex's and or male friends (in a relationship or not) but unfortunatley their girlfriends, spouses or women in their life have a problem with it. I was friends with several men and no pokes or messages were sent or posted and next thing you know they are NOT my friend anymore and they have BLOCKED me from their page. What insecurity!!!!!
FB is only what you make of it and what someone post doesn't always make it true. Its unfortunate for sooooo many immature persons in the World that they can turn something great into a War Zone!!!!!! Jelousy is a killer and FB should be a sign of exactally where you are at in your relationship especially if you cant have a female as your friend because who your with is insecure. If a man is gonna cheat, be friends or speak with another female FB is NOT the only option!!!! Your just blocking the option you yourself have access to. HMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!
Willam: It comes from 30 years of being happily married. Are you married? (I see from your FB link that you're not. So … ..)
That is completely ridiculous. Any mature adult can maintain friendships with their exes without screwing up the current relationship. I'm assuming you are not talking about high school kids here. Some of the most important friends in my life are past lovers and I can't imagine my life without these people.
Does this opinion stem from a lack of self control on your part or is it that you imagine this lack of self control in others?
Meredith: I'm not at all assuming that just because a person is an ex means there’s a chance of somehow rekindling those feelings simply by friending them on Facebook. That's not the point. You can know that your romantic feelings for someone are dead beyond rekindling, but it's unfair for you to expect your spouse to be okay with you keeping that relationship going because you feel that way. I utterly disagree with you that being "open and honest" with your spouse about your ongoing relationship can serve to make continuing that relationship okay. It's not fair to your spouse to ask them to be okay with that relationship, is all I'm saying. Of course marriage is about working through problems. But life brings up enough problems of its own to deal with, without having to put on both of your front burners something like this, which shouldn't be on the table at all. It's not EASIER to reject temptation as you move through life; it's harder. But (obviously) it's the right and honorable thing to do.
The simple question is: How would you feel if your husband came to you, and told you about the ongoing e-relationship that he's keeping alive with an ex—and told you all the reasons that you SHOULD be okay with it?
Matt: I think you write your exes, and tell them that you're married now, and then even though you and THEY understand the two of you are no longer an item, out of respect for your wife and her natural feelings you're going to shut down your relationship with them. No woman in the world wouldn't understand and respect that; that's what they'd want out of their husbands. And if they DO have a problem with that, it just shows they don't yet understand what real emotional commitment is all about.
I think it boils down to two questions…
1. Do you honor your spouse?
2. How do you wish to represent your marriage?
How you answer these are key to the actions you would take in the scenario above.
Wow… I'm single, but have several married "exes" as facebook friends. I have often wondered whether she tells her husband that we're "poking" each other often.
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