I get what you’re saying, but I don’t agree. I AM friends with an ex. (“The” ex, actually. The only ex.) Much like my husband, this guy and I were friends before we were a couple; after it ended, it took some time for the pain to die down, but now that it has, the factors that made us friends still exist even without the romantic element.

Is your claim that it’s impossible to ever have a platonic friendship with someone you used to have a romantic/sexual relationship with? Is it that you shouldn’t have friends that your spouse doesn’t share? Because I think both of those are patently false. Were the situation reversed, I would have no problem with my husband being friends with one of his exes. I trust him, I know he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me, and while I may not be able to avoid an irrational twinge, I would know it to be IRRATIONAL. I happen to think jealousy – when applied to a trusted partner who is doing something innocent – is a bad thing, is the opposite of what love should be.

I dunno. Maybe that means I’ve never been in what you call love. I can’t even imagine it. It doesn’t sound like anything I’d want.

In my opinion, (which means very little here, but means quite a lot in my marriage) love is a constant choice. Though our commitment to each other is permanent, our love and our expressions of that love, are continual choices. My husband and I strive, as I am sure most couples do, to love one another unconditionally…however, we fall short of that all the time. Does that mean that we give up? No, it means that we make the choice to love one another anyways, and that we continue to try, learn from our shortcomings and hope to do better next time.

Every day, sometimes several times a day, I have to choose to love my husband, in spite of something he says, does, or doesn’t do. He, also, does the same for me, and I am the first to admit that there is one week a month where I think he consciously has to tell himself out loud to make that choice, as I am not always the most lovable at that time. We recognize that we are not perfect, and we choose to accept each others imperfections. We aren’t even close to perfect, nor is our love, but that love is perfect for us. To someone else, it may seem crazy, and we’re okay with that. We are accountable for our relationship, and our love, not anyone else’s.

Involved in that choice, is the fact that we choose to put our relationship and each other first, only second to God, and that it is not “me” or “I”, but “us” and “we”. Because we are so imperfect, long ago we tackled the ex-factor and anything even remotely similar to it by deciding that we would not do or say anything that we could not say or do in front of our spouse, or that would cause us to be embarrassed, ashamed, etc. of our behavior if our spouse were to walk in the door in the midst of it. This is what works for us, in regards to “perimeters”…trust, loyalty, honesty and so forth. As we grew in our relationship with Christ, we have added to this by trying to live in a state of awareness that, even more importantly, we want to live in a matter pleasing to Him, since He is always with us.

We are works in progress, and just because we had that growth spurt, doesn’t mean that we instantly transformed our lives or our relationship and now automatically do this. But, we are aware and mindful of it, and we continue to work at it, by choice. There are many times that my husband will do something and it will cause me to feel a great deal of love for him, and there are even periods of times where that euphoric feeling of being “in love” with each other occurs. My parents have been married nearly five decades, and when asked their “secret”, my mother will say, “We have no secret. We just have been lucky enough to not fall out of love at the same time.”

There are many definitions of love, and for us, that definition is clear. Love is a choice. We choose to love each other full spectrum, at the highest of highs, and also when we like each other the least or are the most unlovable. Even now, as I type this, my husband is literally snoring so loudly that our bed is actually vibrating slightly, and it was his snoring that woke me up at 3am and caused me to read some of John’s older posts and stumble across this one.

I was less than thrilled to have my sleep interrupted. I can’t stand my husband’s snoring, and there are times it especially frustrates me and annoys me, like today. As I glanced over to look at him, I don’t “feel” particularly “in love” with him at this moment. Yet, I choose to love him anyways, and I know that, when I reach over to kiss his forehead and wake him up for work soon, that he will do what he has done nearly every single morning. He will open his eyes, smile slightly, and pull me close to him and mumble, “just 5 more minutes…”. He will put his big, strong arms around me and nuzzle his face into the back of my shoulder and I will feel intense love from and for him at that moment. Then, 30 seconds later, when he begins snoring like a buzz saw, INTO the back of my neck, with nasty morning breath, while I am “stuck” because his strong arms are holding me down in the most awkward and uncomfortable position, I will lay there counting down those next four minutes and I will again, choose to love him.

Believe me: I know full well what it is to throw rationality to the wind and love, crazy as a fool! (Just a couple weeks ago, in fact, I was speaking to (yet another) someone who just couldn't understand what I've done for love; of course, as usual, he was male and someone who's not yet known true love (of the romantic sort).)

Yet I cannot understand how you claim as true romantic love one with so many barriers, such that such a thing as private correspondence exists! Nor do I understand how you make the leap from truly caring to desiring to possess.

(In fact, what stalkers, abusers, and all-around creepy types don't seem to get is that if you truly care about someone, you'll want what's best for them even if that means not being with you! It seems to me that care for a human being is about respect, rather than possession, and that marital love binds us in a union of the flesh, where the possessive feelings are no different from how you feel about the fact that you possess a right arm.)

I think it's up to each marriage to set the ground rules of its covenant based on what's comfortable for both parties, since every couple is different, every relationship has its uniquenesses, and every society as well. I feel I've been blessed in terms of the environment in which my emotional development matured/ is maturing, but others may have understandably quite different ways of looking at relationships based on their own life experiences.

A better question is this: Who wants to appear less than completely honest in their relationship? As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord: truth is trump. My wife wouldn’t be hurt to see that I was petty or jealous—she's seen me at far worse than that—trust me; what would hurt her is to realize how I truly felt after I'd been, to some extent, hiding it from her, and as our spirits merge to one, she knows how I truly feel—there's no hiding it—she sees into my soul.

No-no-no, Tim, THERE IS NO "I" for I to “really mean it”! You put together two halves of your brain and act like their one person with one soul, so why don't you do that with your spouse? Of course I too struggle with this in my less mature moments.

I understand the forsaking of all others just fine. I would die for my wife, and not for any other since to die for any other would bring such pain to my wife—UNLESS she were to love that person enough as well to sacrifice even her life too, would that be necessary. Yes, it trumps children, parents, friends, whomever—all others are forsaken—but not forgotten.

Now, it's NOT "forsake all others," Tim; it goes, "forsaking all others, remain true to him/her as long as you both shall live." So, first, anyone with ex’s from prior marriage already proved this commitment to be meaningless to them! But more importantly—the forsaking is not the end in itself; it is simply what we are to do as far as would be necessary to REMAIN TRUE! You're suggesting, however, that people not remain entirely true! Fine, if you interpret it this way, forsake then all others unconditionally: forsake your children, forsake your aging parents—go ahead! It seems you are the one who can't wrap your head around what it means. My wife and I will do what is *right* regardless of these silly feelings of yours, for if God is a part of the equation, Tim, the solution will necessarily be equal to the truth!—and it will come with love!

Some months later, he sent me a friend request, and I was in a better place. I actually told him that I was being a bit freaky (told him it was for different reasons, though.) Now it's cool, and I really hadn't even thought about him until reading your post. So, I would suppose that you could make the blanket statement or general rule, with perhaps wiggle room if you're sufficiently self-analyzing & open w/the spouse. And you MUST be completely willing to un-friend if your spouse is at all uncomfortable, no questions asked, no whining.

When a couple marries making that covenant to their betrothed and to God, they must guard that marriage. Past loves must be left behind. PERIOD. What part of "forsaking all others" can't some people wrap their tiny heads around? The vows aren't simply for shits and giggles. The vows are as serious as a heart-attack because they are a "to-do list" that God wants His people accountable to.

If God isn't part of the equation, I suppose all is fair. But that isn't anything I would bet on.