Comments on: On Facebook, Where Do You Draw the Line With An Ex? http://johnshore.com/2009/12/09/where-do-you-draw-the-line-with-an-ex-on-facebook/ Trying God's patience since 1958 Wed, 23 May 2012 20:26:53 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v= By: John Shore http://johnshore.com/2009/12/09/where-do-you-draw-the-line-with-an-ex-on-facebook/comment-page-1/#comment-17988 John Shore Wed, 30 Dec 2009 10:19:16 +0000 http://johnshore.com/?p=5808#comment-17988 Oh, I remember why I wrote this: a friend of mine told me that an ex-girlfriend of his asked to friend him on FB, and he wasn't sure what to do. Oh, I remember why I wrote this: a friend of mine told me that an ex-girlfriend of his asked to friend him on FB, and he wasn't sure what to do.

]]> By: John Shore http://johnshore.com/2009/12/09/where-do-you-draw-the-line-with-an-ex-on-facebook/comment-page-1/#comment-17987 John Shore Wed, 30 Dec 2009 10:18:12 +0000 http://johnshore.com/?p=5808#comment-17987 I wish I had an interesting story to tell you about myself and any of my exes on FB, but, alas, I don't. I have no idea why I wrote this blog. It's not an issue in my life at all; I'm not (believe it or not) a person inclined toward jealousy of any kind. It's just not ... part of my emotional make-up---to a degree that's actually, I know, kind of weird. Anyway---no story here. Sorry! I wish I had an interesting story to tell you about myself and any of my exes on FB, but, alas, I don't. I have no idea why I wrote this blog. It's not an issue in my life at all; I'm not (believe it or not) a person inclined toward jealousy of any kind. It's just not … part of my emotional make-up—to a degree that's actually, I know, kind of weird. Anyway—no story here. Sorry!

]]> By: heather http://johnshore.com/2009/12/09/where-do-you-draw-the-line-with-an-ex-on-facebook/comment-page-1/#comment-17986 heather Wed, 30 Dec 2009 10:12:00 +0000 http://johnshore.com/?p=5808#comment-17986 lol john how did you come upon this blog? I wonder what experiences you've had that makes you so opinionated about this subject ;) I came here looking advice and got alot thank you people! lol john how did you come upon this blog? I wonder what experiences you've had that makes you so opinionated about this subject ;)

I came here looking advice and got alot thank you people!

]]> By: John Shore http://johnshore.com/2009/12/09/where-do-you-draw-the-line-with-an-ex-on-facebook/comment-page-1/#comment-17752 John Shore Fri, 11 Dec 2009 10:06:23 +0000 http://johnshore.com/?p=5808#comment-17752 Well, if you've read my other two posts and comments on this matter, you know what I think best to do. If you need to apologize---which is always a good an honorable thing to do---my advice (not that you asked for it---so forgive me) is to write the guy, apologize, and then add that he hopes you understand that, out of love and honor for your husband, that will have to be the final word between you two. If he writes back, don't answer him. You apologized; you did the right thing; it's over. Well, if you've read my other two posts and comments on this matter, you know what I think best to do. If you need to apologize—which is always a good an honorable thing to do—my advice (not that you asked for it—so forgive me) is to write the guy, apologize, and then add that he hopes you understand that, out of love and honor for your husband, that will have to be the final word between you two. If he writes back, don't answer him. You apologized; you did the right thing; it's over.

]]> By: wantstodowhatsright http://johnshore.com/2009/12/09/where-do-you-draw-the-line-with-an-ex-on-facebook/comment-page-1/#comment-17751 wantstodowhatsright Fri, 11 Dec 2009 09:57:59 +0000 http://johnshore.com/?p=5808#comment-17751 I find this conversation very interesting John. Thanks for getting it started. It's more interesting to me since I *just* became fb friends with my ex only 2 days or so before your post. The reason being, that I felt I should apologize to him for treating him terribly (when we dated 6 years ago) and yet I called myself a follower of Christ. (He was not). I talked w/ my husband and he confirmed my apologizing, so I sent the ex an email. *whew* Huge relief. THEN the email came back as an invalid address. =P I didn't have any way to communicate with him so I searched on the web and came up with nothing. So I tried fb and sure enough... So I sent a fb message, he got it, accepted my apology and friend requested me. I didn't want to be rude or even more hurtful, so I accepted. I talked with my husband about it and he's fine. I'm still debating about whether I should "unfriend" ex or not, but we haven't communicated since the apology, acceptance, and general inquiring after each other's family's health messages, so it' not really an issue. Anyway, I'm trying to do what God wants here and want to keep him central in all things going on in my life. I don't want to say "Hey God, how far can I walk away from the line of what's right before I'm walking the line of what's wrong?" But at the same time, I don't think God wants us to close ourselves into little boxes of safety and ease, so I don't want to say "Hey God, I am totally closing myself off to anyone that isn't following you, isn't that great?!" Gah. If only there were some guidelines or something that just plainly says what I should do or not do here... oh wait! *scampers off to read Bible* I find this conversation very interesting John. Thanks for getting it started. It's more interesting to me since I *just* became fb friends with my ex only 2 days or so before your post.

The reason being, that I felt I should apologize to him for treating him terribly (when we dated 6 years ago) and yet I called myself a follower of Christ. (He was not). I talked w/ my husband and he confirmed my apologizing, so I sent the ex an email. *whew* Huge relief. THEN the email came back as an invalid address. =P I didn't have any way to communicate with him so I searched on the web and came up with nothing. So I tried fb and sure enough… So I sent a fb message, he got it, accepted my apology and friend requested me. I didn't want to be rude or even more hurtful, so I accepted. I talked with my husband about it and he's fine. I'm still debating about whether I should "unfriend" ex or not, but we haven't communicated since the apology, acceptance, and general inquiring after each other's family's health messages, so it' not really an issue.

Anyway, I'm trying to do what God wants here and want to keep him central in all things going on in my life. I don't want to say "Hey God, how far can I walk away from the line of what's right before I'm walking the line of what's wrong?" But at the same time, I don't think God wants us to close ourselves into little boxes of safety and ease, so I don't want to say "Hey God, I am totally closing myself off to anyone that isn't following you, isn't that great?!" Gah. If only there were some guidelines or something that just plainly says what I should do or not do here… oh wait! *scampers off to read Bible*

]]> By: John Shore http://johnshore.com/2009/12/09/where-do-you-draw-the-line-with-an-ex-on-facebook/comment-page-1/#comment-17749 John Shore Fri, 11 Dec 2009 09:27:26 +0000 http://johnshore.com/?p=5808#comment-17749 But the other person's judgment is only in play AFTER the fact. Anyway, who cares what I think? If what you're doing works for you guys, that's wonderful. For real. Every couple negotiates their own way through these sorts of things. Of course I'm glad to hear you've worked out something good for you. But the other person's judgment is only in play AFTER the fact.

Anyway, who cares what I think? If what you're doing works for you guys, that's wonderful. For real. Every couple negotiates their own way through these sorts of things. Of course I'm glad to hear you've worked out something good for you.

]]> By: textjunkie http://johnshore.com/2009/12/09/where-do-you-draw-the-line-with-an-ex-on-facebook/comment-page-1/#comment-17747 textjunkie Fri, 11 Dec 2009 08:21:12 +0000 http://johnshore.com/?p=5808#comment-17747 John, nothing in what we said indicated it wasn't a two-way street. Nothing is being done in secret or by the one person only, therefore the other party's judgement is always in play. I don't know what you are picturing, but it isn't pretty and it isn' t what any of us have described. If you don't trust your spouse and you to be of the same mind about these things, then don't do it. John, nothing in what we said indicated it wasn't a two-way street. Nothing is being done in secret or by the one person only, therefore the other party's judgement is always in play. I don't know what you are picturing, but it isn't pretty and it isn' t what any of us have described. If you don't trust your spouse and you to be of the same mind about these things, then don't do it.

]]> By: Melissa http://johnshore.com/2009/12/09/where-do-you-draw-the-line-with-an-ex-on-facebook/comment-page-1/#comment-17744 Melissa Thu, 10 Dec 2009 19:39:56 +0000 http://johnshore.com/?p=5808#comment-17744 My husband has several exes on his Facebook and I could care less. In fact, a couple of his exes are very good friends of mine. I mean, really now, we're in our 40s and I'm to worry about a relationship he had 20 something years ago? Are most of us so insecure in our relationships? My rule is that I MUST be able to trust him. I cannot carry on a relationship with a man I cannot trust. I could not be in a relationship with a man who did not trust me. I am always amazed at those women who routinely go through their husband's or boyfriend's mobile and email records to see if they can "find" something. It's not that he's given them a reason to look most of the time either. They are putting out fires that haven't even begun to burn. I refuse to spend time worrying about some old girlfriend on FB. He is married to ME. We have a child and a great life. If something is going to happen, it will happen whether it's on Facebook or somewhere else. As far as ground rules go, I feel no need to talk about them. He's smart man and he knows what they are - and he knows what will happen if he crosses the line. (Same for me by the way!) We discussed all this at the altar before God and our friends and family. My husband has several exes on his Facebook and I could care less. In fact, a couple of his exes are very good friends of mine. I mean, really now, we're in our 40s and I'm to worry about a relationship he had 20 something years ago? Are most of us so insecure in our relationships? My rule is that I MUST be able to trust him. I cannot carry on a relationship with a man I cannot trust. I could not be in a relationship with a man who did not trust me. I am always amazed at those women who routinely go through their husband's or boyfriend's mobile and email records to see if they can "find" something. It's not that he's given them a reason to look most of the time either. They are putting out fires that haven't even begun to burn. I refuse to spend time worrying about some old girlfriend on FB. He is married to ME. We have a child and a great life. If something is going to happen, it will happen whether it's on Facebook or somewhere else. As far as ground rules go, I feel no need to talk about them. He's smart man and he knows what they are – and he knows what will happen if he crosses the line. (Same for me by the way!) We discussed all this at the altar before God and our friends and family.

]]> By: John Shore http://johnshore.com/2009/12/09/where-do-you-draw-the-line-with-an-ex-on-facebook/comment-page-1/#comment-17743 John Shore Thu, 10 Dec 2009 17:27:31 +0000 http://johnshore.com/?p=5808#comment-17743 Aaaarrrrgggghhhhh .... trying not to rebut .... remaining quiet out of respect for commenters .... Okay, does anyone but me notice that the "You have to stop when you feel that you've gone too far" rule of thumb leaves completely out of the picture what (in this case) the HUSBAND'S judgments might be? What that says is, "I will decide what's too far. Me. It's my call. I'LL DECIDE." But it's not about what works for <em>you.</em> Of course YOU'RE okay judging what's acceptable. Not the point. And you'll say, "But he trusts me. That's the beauty of it!" Again: not the point. The point is, why would you ask him to allow you to let your conscience act in full proxy of his about something that's the most important thing in his life? Under what other circumstances would that even<em> come up,</em> except if you were talking to a doctor about him if he were in a coma? oops. dinner's on. carry on. Sorry. seriously. appreciate your thoughts/input, always. Aaaarrrrgggghhhhh …. trying not to rebut …. remaining quiet out of respect for commenters ….

Okay, does anyone but me notice that the "You have to stop when you feel that you've gone too far" rule of thumb leaves completely out of the picture what (in this case) the HUSBAND'S judgments might be?

What that says is, "I will decide what's too far. Me. It's my call. I'LL DECIDE." But it's not about what works for you. Of course YOU'RE okay judging what's acceptable. Not the point.

And you'll say, "But he trusts me. That's the beauty of it!" Again: not the point. The point is, why would you ask him to allow you to let your conscience act in full proxy of his about something that's the most important thing in his life? Under what other circumstances would that even come up, except if you were talking to a doctor about him if he were in a coma?

oops. dinner's on. carry on. Sorry. seriously. appreciate your thoughts/input, always.

]]> By: textjunkie http://johnshore.com/2009/12/09/where-do-you-draw-the-line-with-an-ex-on-facebook/comment-page-1/#comment-17742 textjunkie Thu, 10 Dec 2009 13:56:37 +0000 http://johnshore.com/?p=5808#comment-17742 Excellent point by Meredith--would you behave this way with a sibling or someone with whom there was no sexual undercurrent? If not, censor it. (Can't say I always achieve it, but it's a good bar to set.) Excellent point by Meredith–would you behave this way with a sibling or someone with whom there was no sexual undercurrent? If not, censor it. (Can't say I always achieve it, but it's a good bar to set.)

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