[This is a repost from a couple of years back---with a new picture and some sweet new editing.]
Don’t we Christians hate the fact that that while we’re trying to have Christ be the focus of Christmas, everyone else wants the primary personality of the Christmas season to be Santa Claus?
And doesn’t that make Santa the anti-Christ?
Ho, ho, ho, indeed! The gall of The Dark Prince pretending to be jolly!
And Santa being Satan certainly explains a lot. For one, it explains the red suit. It also explains the flying reindeer. Remember how scary the flying monkeys were in The Wizard of Oz? Clearly, making mammals fly is an earmark of the deeply malevolent. And seriously: What would you rather have flying over you—a 50-pound monkey, or a 500-pound reindeer? That wide-brimmed hat the Wicked Witch of the West wears might protect her from monkey droppings, but is it really going to help against a team of reindeer flying overhead?
And elves. Please. An elf is just a gnome with better P.R. And everyone knows gnomes live to create havoc. I used to live in a house in the woods that became infested with gnomes. Believe me, that is not something you want to live through. And if it ever does happen to a place you’re living, do not use Gnome Motel. That product is useless. Those little creeps built on to the Gnome Motel we left out for them. They put in a little jacuzzi, and a deck. The workmanship was awful. And it led to all these little booze bottles being scattered all around the place.
Terrible. We finally had to call in a pack of mad rottweilers.
Boy. Talk about getting the job done.
Anyway, the point is that Santa is Satan. Look how close their names are! And Santa/Satan isn’t the only diabolic anagram going on with Mr. Red Nose’s name, either. Rearrange the letters spelling “Saint Nick,” and what do you get? That’s right: sick taint. And Kris Kringle? Try Sir Grinlekk—which totally sounds like it could be the name of one of Harry Potter’s wicked wizards, doesn’t it? So I think that settles it.
Santa Claus. Satan’s cause. Satan’s claws. It’s not even subtle.
Plus, everyone knows that the Devil’s whole thing is to make people believe the opposite of the truth. And, as we all know, Hades is about as far south as south gets. So where does “Santa” live? But of course: as far north as north gets.
Pffhhht. Any child is trickier.
Speaking of children, do I even need to mention how wrong it is to teach our children to associate getting great things for free (Santa!) with breaking and entering (Satan!)? How long is it before any Christmas-inculcated kid with any initiative at all thinks to himself, “Hmm. Santa. Down chimney while people sleep. December 25. Me. Through window while people are on vacation. Now.”
The Christmas season is upon us. Let us become ever more vigilant against the evil that tries to distract us from its true meaning. Christmas is about celebrating the incarnation of God—period. And that is why I, for one, will be prepared throughout this entire Christmas season to at any given moment stand straight, point accusingly, and cry at the top of my lungs, “Get thee behind me, Santa!”
I’ll let you know how that goes.
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Posted by wickle on December 15, 2009 at 5:41 am
It’s like a Christmas tradition … I hope the comments are as good this year!
Posted by John Shore on December 15, 2009 at 5:52 am
I hope they’re NOT. This is one of only TWO posts I’ve ever put up for which I was afterward obliged to attach a whole NOTE at its opening, stipulating that it was intended as HUMOR. I deleted that note for this run. But I wonder if I’ll TOTALLY get attacked again for being such an intolerant, humorless Christian? We’ll see! Thanks, certainly, for YOUR fun/kind response!
Posted by Tammy Lubbers on December 15, 2009 at 5:57 am
You didn’t even mention Black Peter!
Posted by John Shore on December 15, 2009 at 6:02 am
But only because the character of Black Peter is offensively, patently racist. (As you surely know?)
Posted by Latoya on December 15, 2009 at 6:59 am
that picture at the top is scary!
Posted by Redlefty (Michael) on December 15, 2009 at 7:18 am
Amen!
And dude, those monkeys in Wizard of Oz totally messed me up as a child. Scariers than clowns at the bowling alley.
Posted by Tammy Lubbers on December 15, 2009 at 8:09 am
I’m STILL scared of the monkeys.
Posted by Jeff on December 15, 2009 at 9:17 am
Isn’t “Old Nick” another epithet for you-know-who? (Not Voldemort)
“Old Nick” / “St. Nick” … he’s not even trying to be subtle anymore…
Posted by Will on December 15, 2009 at 9:18 am
You didn’t mention that the lead flying reindeer is a drunk. How else do you explain the glowing red nose? What message does that send to the kiddies?
Posted by Jan Kolouszek on December 15, 2009 at 9:24 am
as a 16 year old student at a catholic highschool, i find this article repulsive! there may be obvious trickeries between “santa” and “satan” but OBVIOUSLY thats not the direction this is going in. Santa Claus is a kids hero! he brings joy to the hearts of children who dont quite understand the meaning of christ! i believe in christ to the fullest extent but when you though of “Sir Grinlekk” or “sick taint” that was just a re-arranging of words! you need some SERIOUS journalist creativity to think of THAT one. and judging by your comments on this your saying its a joke. your not getting your point across. your making an accusation that santa is the anti christ for giving children a reason to start following christmas. as i stated before, little kids dont understand the meaning of christmas yet. so they have now a reason to start following it. the reason they have is santa, whose other name is saint nick. therefore connecting the saints and thus Jesus, to santa claus and the giving of gifts.
Posted by Latoya on December 15, 2009 at 9:52 am
huh?????????
Posted by Gina Nakagawa on December 15, 2009 at 10:50 am
I once taught the fourth grade at an international school in Japan. One Christmas I received a delegation made up of my little Hindus, Muslims, Taoists, Confusions, Anglicans, Shinto, and, yes, two Catholics. The big question was, did I believe in Santa Clause. I responded that if by Santa Clause they meant the spirit of giving without hope of recognition, absolutely. The group walked away arguing. One half said, “See, she believes in Santa Clause!” The other half said, “That’s not what she said.”
Posted by wickle on December 15, 2009 at 11:37 am
See, John? Seriously … would it really be Christmas without the ravings of people like Jan?
Posted by John Shore on December 15, 2009 at 11:45 am
These are some great comments! Wonderful. GREAT story, Gina. (And HILARIOUS, Will! And Jeff: I should have used that!)
Yeah, Wickle, on your observation re: Jan’s raving. I have to say I AM a tad used to her kind of totally-missing-the-point invective. But you know what I’m NOT used to? The idea that anyone educated in America could reach the age of sixteen and still write as she does. That’s some serious, flying-monkey scary, man.
Posted by Jan Kolouszek on December 15, 2009 at 12:38 pm
ok for the first point. im a guy. didnt except you to realize that but thats besides the point. and i thank you for complimenting my writing skills. again, digression, but please explain to me what in the world is this article supposed to mean. if i am “totally-missing-the-point” then it would do me good if you could explain your point to me Mr.Shore
Posted by Matt on December 15, 2009 at 12:39 pm
I suspect you’ll be getting some hate mail fairly soon from Mrs. Clause
.
Posted by dan on December 15, 2009 at 12:59 pm
Okay all you Christan [bad word]. Christmas was adopted by Christians to shove their [bad word] religion down us NORMAL peoples throats. so stop your religious [bad word] and ranting. Santa was here way before ["way before" lame two-word combo] the Christian religion took it over. And no i don’t care if your [sic] offended by this. Don’t call Santa Satin [sick], it’s just not right. Like what the [word so bad it's clear Dan is drunk] really, so all the atheists can’t celebrate this holiday because you want it to be about god. Please just stop before you create an actual problem. And gnomes don’t exist you moron so again stop the [bad word].
Posted by Tim on December 15, 2009 at 1:07 pm
@Jan—
You might be surprised at how easily the story of Jesus’ birth can be grasped by even an exceptionally dull toddler. IMO, the obvious inconsistencies of the “Santa” fable, mixed in with the contrived and confusing trickery of parents explaining Santas at shopping malls is a very good reason for an older child to reject the whole gospel as just another adult-foisted line of shizzit.
Precisely because of the over commercialization of the Santa figure, kids file Jesus somewhere between the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Faerie. I admire your spunk, Jan. At your age I would hope that the idea of maybe “totally-missing-the-point” was sincere and not the sarcastic petulance that is common to post-pubescence. It is hard not to come off condescending because I have been 16. In fact I was 16 for quite a few years. I thought I had it so well wired that I could afford to destroy a third of my brain cells with LSD and still believe I could think circles around the average 1970′s fascist redneck republican. Glad that you are reading Mr. Shore’s blog. You needn’t take the postings here so seriously.
Satire, parody, tongue-in-cheek repartee, is often subtle and easily misread. Ask the people who have tried to find the physical address of Landover Baptist Church to give those religious idiots a piece of their mind.
Have a merry Christmas, Jan. And I sincerely mean that!
Posted by Jan Kolouszek on December 15, 2009 at 1:24 pm
thank you tim and you also have a very merry christmas. and your absolutely right! that jesus is “filed between the easter bunny and the tooth fairy” and i know what your thinking of when you say wired together so well. teen syndrome haha. best way to put it because we think we know everything.
dan. get your facts right. Jesus was born before Santa came jingling down from the north. and first of all…..why are you even on this page?! Just to diss on Christians? pointless and imbecilic.
John i dont mean to be the drastic, overly serious, “must make my point” kinda guy. but the fact of the matter is that your article’s purpose is still escaping my grasp. but anyway this article and the people commenting have honestly made my day. thanks haha.
Posted by Tim on December 15, 2009 at 2:28 pm
@dan—
Christmas wasn’t “adopted” by Christians, it was promulgated by Christians in an attempt to draw celebrative focus away from the pagan rites associated with the winter solstice. And really, HTF does anyone “shove” anything down someone’s throats by simply just laying something “out there”? Sounds to me like you wouldn’t be satisfied with anything less than a complete retraction of the First Amendment of the US Constitution.
BTW, your derogative ejaculations serve only to stain your points
Posted by John Shore on December 15, 2009 at 6:28 pm
Tim: heh. heh-heh. you said “ejaculations.”
No, but great response. Thanks.
Posted by John Shore on December 15, 2009 at 5:48 pm
Dan: Does this mean you won’t be joining my fan club?
Posted by Redlefty (Michael) on December 15, 2009 at 6:28 pm
He’s wrong about the gnome thing, too. I saw this guy at the gym last week who was quite gnomish.
Posted by wickle on December 16, 2009 at 4:36 am
When I was growing up on an Air Force base in Texas, there was a sign in the Youth Center (our local arcade on base, basically) that read “Profanity: A Strong Way to Express the Workings of a Weak Mind.”
I didn’t know what the word “profanity” meant at the time, but we’ll move on …
That seems to apply to Dan’s ravings (which are less entertaining than Jan’s).
Posted by Dani on December 16, 2009 at 5:54 am
I’m entirely at a loss as to how people can miss such blatant (and amazing) humor. And I’m pretty amazed that someone can reach the age of 16 and still write like that, too, John. Maybe the TRUE earmark of the malevolent is grammatically-correct sarcasm, eh? =)
Posted by Roger on December 16, 2009 at 5:55 am
Hey Dan, lighten up. The real Santa was Saint Nicklaus and he was a bishop in the Catholic Church. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_Nicholas
Hate to rain on your atheist parade.
Posted by ~Julia~ on December 16, 2009 at 6:59 am
Humbug.
Posted by Chicken little on December 18, 2009 at 2:21 am
same
Posted by Cody on December 18, 2009 at 8:29 am
Really, I just wish people would celebrate Christmas from the 25th to the 6th. The USA’s reliance on Christmas as a sales booster is pathetic and its horrible offspring, like the “25 Days of Christmas” and Black Friday and, arguably related, Thanksgiving.
Posted by Jim on December 18, 2009 at 5:09 pm
Another fucking piece of shit article on the internet that prooves to me how retarded Christians are. December 25 is a date very close to the Winter Solstice, celebrated by pagans long before the Christian religion came along. Once the group of morons who thought up the Christian religion started writing the new testimant, they decided to put the birth of their messiah around this date to lure all of the pagans they could into their religion.
So, who is the real theif of this holiday? Jesus Christ. That fucking homo stole this holiday from the pagans and made it into some shitty gay-fest where we celebrate the birth of some ugly middle eastern baby who was born in a farm. Fuck that.
FUCK GOD
Posted by God on December 18, 2009 at 5:14 pm
No, fuck you, Jim.
Sincerely yours,
God
Posted by Jan Kolouszek on December 18, 2009 at 7:56 pm
honestly Jim’s response is my favorite hahahah and yours too God =DD
Posted by John Shore on December 18, 2009 at 8:03 pm
I can’t believe God reads my blog. And CURSES.
Posted by wickle on December 18, 2009 at 9:04 pm
“I can’t believe God reads my blog. And CURSES.”
Only after reading your blog …
I’m kidding! Really …