A woman recently wrote in to ask:
Dear John,
I am a woman who is pretty confident that, as usual, this Valentine’s Day my boyfriend will not exactly overwhelm me with gifts and shows of affection. Why are men so lousy at celebrating Valentine’s Day?—Hoping but Not Hopeful
Dear Not Hopeful,
The problem is not that men are lousy at Valentine’s Day. The problem is that men are too good at Valentine’s Day.
You are to be forgiven, Ms. Hoping, if you have accepted as truth the common misconception that men don’t feel emotions as deeply as women. As anyone knows who in the company of a man has ever watched a Super Bowl or listened to the song “Free Bird,” nothing could be further from the truth. I think it’s reasonable to posit, in fact, that the reason that men on average die five years younger than women isn’t because they love bacon-wrapped onion rings or repairing their own roofs. It’s because a man feels his every last emotion with so much intensity and passion that, in the end, the stress of having to process it all prematurely kills him.
Men feel Valentine’s Day cheapens their emotions, so they hate it. A man in love is absolutely, instinctively convinced that no one but he has ever loved with his degree of infinitely sublime ferocity. The emotions of a man’s love are to him so powerful, riveting, and blindingly personal that he finds almost physically repelling the idea that they should be used by Madison Avenue for nothing more noble than turning a profit. The whole day feels to them like one long evisceration.
To a woman, romance means doing things like getting dressed up, and going out with her man to a fancy restaurant. To a man, romance means doing things like sitting on the couch, watching TV, and just knowing that the love between he and his woman is so deep and real that the only thing that could ruin it would be to talk about or ever refer to it in any way.
And if a man is told that on a certain day he has to act just like every other man is supposed to act on that same day, and do exactly what on that day every other man is supposed to do, which is to make of his deep and passionate love a contrived and public display?
Well. Instead of a cute little Cupid’s arrow, you might as well shoot him with a whale harpoon.
I would like to say more on this matter, but I’m just now stepping out to shop for the makings of a display of a dozen red roses, a box of Godiva chocolates, and a bottle of Mumm’s champagne, which my wife will find perfectly arranged on her bedside table when she wakes up on Valentine’s Day.
When it comes to romance I’m as naturally clueless as any man alive. But I haven’t been married for twenty-nine years for nothing.
![John Shore on The Huffington Post](http://johnshore.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/huffpost.jpg?w=120 "John Shore on The Huffington Post\")
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
John thanks for your comments on Valentines Day stories and sharing how a man really feels about his love for the woman in his life.
Why do women seem to always think Valentines day is just for “Women”. The men get to bashed if they don’t acknowledge the woman on that. I feel that men need to be given sweets things and a rose, for putting up with so many of us “selfish and self-centered” women. Many of these women really don’t deserve a loving man who will go to the ends of the earth for them. We are so overwhelming that men are terrified when Valentines Day comes.
I do have a wonderful guy in my life, and I’m thankful for him. Whenever I go out of my way to buy a gift for him, or even just juice a glass of fresh carrots, he thinks I am the best thing since dark chocolate. He does so much for me throughout the year, he could skip a thousand Valentine Days, and I’d love him just as much.
When we first started dating my future husband asked me to pick the 2 most important holidays to me: I chose Christmas and Valentine’s Day (explaining that V-day was important to me because that’s the day my father got full custody of me when I was 4). His favorites are 4th of July and Thanksgiving. So now we REALLY celebrate those 4 holidays – mostly for each other, but as the years have passed they have become significant for both of us due to shared memories.
Tomorrow there will be no red roses for me, there might be some chocolate, we’ll give each other funny, snappy cards and there’ll be some serious smooching. Sounds perfect to me!
On the contrary my husband has always been very good and very generous on Valentine's Day and he seems to love making me smile. And it is not just the usual flowers and candy. He has to think of the most unique and creative ways to say "I love you". This year he hired a barbershop quartet to come to my job to deliver a singing Valentine. It was so sweet . Last year he sent an edible fruit arrangement that was absolutely beautiful. Our first Valentine's Day together, (before marriage) he arranged for our own personal Cessna flight where I was flying the plane while the pilot talked me through it. Quite terrifying but quite unique. And he is like this for holidays and otherwise. And no he is NOT gay. Maybe this is not considered normal, and yeah lots of other men actually were a little resentful with him after what he did this year (since I work with the public and and some of them were there at the time with their wives/significant others). So if this is abnormal than I will take abnormal over normal any day.
John! My husband thanks you for this post. I feel badly for men on V-day. Am I allowed to agree with you- that men often suck at this? No offense guys. I like to set my husband up for success. I tell him exactly what I want from him. Not only does this take the pressure off him, but it makes us laugh. This year I want a card and chocolate. He DOES sign the card himself and write something sweet in his own words.
Of course, my friend’s husband is taking her away for a romantic weekend… so some guys do have that gift.
I like my man better, though!
Mandi
Yesterday after a brutal argument with my husband he says – you cannot understand the depths of love i have for you. In which i said – are you saying i can't understand because i can not possibly love you as much as you love me? wrong thing to say. But thanks for clearing this up for me.
We sit on the couch together almost every night; V-day, with its redness and heat (kinda like inflammation), happens only once a year. I much prefer the romantic couching since I can experience it everyday with full confidence of our non-gushy love rather than the boxed and sold staleness of a consumer holiday. Love is meant for everyday, no matter how** one chooses to express it, not just for one day with conventional expressions.
**insert appropriate disclaimers here in case anyone wants to be a wise-@ss
Har! I'm kidding. I mean … you know. Talk to him if it's a real problem for you. Communication is the key to a rewarding relationship. Be true to yourself. A stitch in time saves your hem line, etc., etc.
Wonder why you married a gay man.
Well then, what's the second thing.
Well, the first thing that comes to my mind is that you wake up from your dream because you're probably late for work.
Did I mention I already choking down V-Day candy?!
Okay, sir. What does a woman do when she doesn't dislike V-day but it certainly doesn't *matter* to her by any standard of the word – and her husband *always* wants to do stuff or buy stuff. O_o
Oh sheesh, this would be me. I’m the worst at holidays and that sort of thing. One year my hubby and I BOTH forgot our anniversary (it was like, 6 or 7, who cares?) I rarely remember birthdays, never remember anniversaries, hate buying gifts for people I barely know just because Hallmark declared I ought to, and don’t even TALK to me about the insanity of Christmas!!!!
I’m just not a material sort of girl. I’d much rather take a nice walk (or hike), share dinner with friends as well as family and hubby, or get together with a small group and play games over a nice buffet/potluck dinner.
For “romance”, nothing beats snuggling – ANY time!
Mary, I am pretty sure that we were separated at birth. I have such horrible gift anxiety because I don’t understand the concept behind them. How can an object fully encompass my feelings for someone? I love to “buy” experiences…a trip to the theater, a weekend camping, a cup of coffee…but a ring or shoes or a card do not do a thing for me, therefore, when I want them to do something for someone else, I can’t figure it out.
Plus, I have plenty of stuff to dust and keep organized.