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{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }
Oy! This reminds me of the 15 years I spend with ex-number-one-of-four. He used to say, "I'm a chameleon! I'm all things to all people!" with great pride. One of his rare moments of truth he said "pathological liar" and "just like his entire family," etc.
It was true.
Sadly, it wasn't so cute. Example, I'm dashing out the door to work, mid 1980s, pre-Internet life. Pile of bills ready to go out to the mail, checks written, envelopes stamped & sealed. "Will you take these out and mail them when you go to work today?" "Yes," he said.
As I was due faster, further, longer, and running late…
I got home, "Did you mail the mail today?" "Yes," he said. Pause. "No," he said.
"Why did you lie?" I asked. "Why did you lie!? There was no reason for you to lie! I'm not angry. I'm not upset. The bills aren't late. It's not like as if sending them out tomorrow instead is a problem. Why did you lie!?!?!"
"I don't know," with bewilderment on his face.
One of many "red flags" I stupidly ignored.
I used to work for the company that made these sort of letters famous. I told one of the editors they could have saved themselves a lot of time and effort by just creating a randomizing generator to crank ‘em out. He said that would deprive him of a source of income.
wait..you had to PAY to have your letter published?
(Yeah, I didn’t get that either.)
jeez, even readers digest will give you 25 bucks for a lame joke.
No, the editor got to pocket the freelancer fee by cranking 'em out hizzownsef. If they set up a radomizing generator, they would have cut the freelance budget for the letters column.
" I’m a student at a small liberal arts college in the Northeast." Is this a shout out to "The Sure Thing"? Classic Cusack movie.
John -
God bless you for being 'real'! This was funny and edgy, yet tasteful and respectful – qualities you don't often see together! Thank you for exhibiting more 'walk' than 'talk' (although your talk is very witty).
We need more like you – 'we' being both the church body and the example set for non-believers….
- Voicedude
I am now officially a fan. Funny stuff.
Okay great, here I am innocently playing on my lap top due to yet another insomnic night AND you have me laughing so hard I woke my kids up! "What's so funny, mommy"? Never mind, go back to sleep sweetie.
HE HE HE HE HE HE
Love it.
I used to live across the floor from an editor for Penthouse magazine — boring as helll, middle aged, balding guy who had an equally dull and plain wife and three truly obnoxious teenaged kids.
Yeah, the letters are total BS.
However, this guy actually got his older son a Penthouse, er, "model" for his senior prom date, so I guess, in that case, it was reality emulating fiction.
Great post. Thank you for bringing back memories of a friend who I lost touch with over twenty years ago.
When i was a student at a university in the United Kingdom, my mate Billy would post a letter every week about his sexual escapades at college to a ‘soft porn’ newspaper called the Sunday Sport.
He would use a different pseudonym each time. Every single one of his letters was printed. Every single one of his letters was a work of fiction.
The lads in the halls of residence would have a great time getting hold of a copy of this newspaper and turning to the letters page, seeing his contribution and cheering him each weekend.
Awesome. This is great. Thanks, Dave.
Ha-larry-us! "creatures from Jurassic Park…honking baritone…volcano god barf" I think I love Agnes. I have little affinity for Cheryl, that fricken plastic bombshell.
And on a side note…which means it's really what I wanted to say… I feel ya on the Christian Publisher deal. I'm pretty sure I've gotta go the Lamott way – but she's so damn famous and awesome I will never hold a candle blah blah idoem. Maybe a Rob Bell editor will love me… crap it's hopeless.
Hysterical John. I think I remember that story, too. or one exactly like it with with suds or oil or an airplane restroom… Its all a blur…
Oh, yeah! I remember that story, too: "Mr. Bubble Gets In Trouble." I liked that one.
John, with a change (or, "new chapter" as you literary people like to say) in your writing content, I'm looking forward to seeing "Jacuzzi" "Stewardesses" "blue hair" begin to appear in the constellation of words on the right side of your site, in between "Jesus" "Great Commission" "Christians and non-believers" etc.
"Squirrels" was getting lonely, I think.
This was funny, btw.
I'll bet you are. Perv.
dude – that's the famous Booty God Booty – works for Zondervan
Very funny! Enjoyed the back & forth between reality and imagination. I think the story shows its kinda dated w/ references to stewardesses instead of flight attendants and a jacuzzi….isn't 'hot tub' what modern day folk use for foolin' around? ….er… or is 'foolin' around' also dated?! Fortunately today we have internet, so lonely pathetic people can instantly submit their fantasy in real time while sitting in their tee shirts & sweats, eating cheezy doodle snacks.
Thanks for … saying it's funny! (You might have missed the part in the intro where I said the piece was quite old.)
Remember, everyone, that these stories are only as hip and current as their authors are. Your fantasy can't match actual reality if you don't know any better. I would believe this type of guy would make up this kind of story YESTERDAY.
Hilarious.
If the Christian publishers don't want you writing for them, then they don't have any taste. Have you ever thought of appealing to Anne Lamott's publishers. She writes on faith based issues, and she isn't sanctimonious or stuffy or preachy or…theologically or politically conservative. (Horrors!) If there's a market for her, then there's a market for you, probably a larger one than these people are smart enough to understand.
Well, it's not so much that they don't want me writing for them, as it is that when you ARE writing for them, you have to be more careful than you might be otherwise not to … offend them. Which is fair: they don't want your name on the front of their books if you're going to be out in the world acting like someone whose name they wouldn't want on the front of one of their books. I dunno. That whole industry is insane, basically. And yes, as you say, the Way of Lamott would be a good way for me. Except I've basically had it with writing about God or Christianity or whatever. It makes people too crazy. None of MY readers, of course—who are the greatest, sanest readers anywhere, from what I can tell–but … too many other people, basically. But you've been very kind! (And who knows? If, out in the real world, I find myself unable to make a living writing—like, say, if my novel fails [which it won't because it's awesome]—then maybe I'll be back in the world of Xtian publishing, sniffing around for anyone to throw me a nut.)
I think Jim Wallis over at sojourners has nuts….
I KNEW IT!!!! I knew all those stories HAD to be false.
I'd be curious to know if the stories coming from women are just as false though…
God, I hope not.
Nah, the ones for woman are true…the question we should ask is…are the letter from woman REALLY letters from women….
I'm guessing this article is circa 1980 or so because that's the last time I can recall "stewardesses" being willowy, young, flirtatious, or even female. These days it takes a real man to pass out peanuts and check for tray tables in the upright and locked position.
No, it wasn't that long ago. I'd say I wrote it … gosh, 12, 13 years ago? But you're right: it was those now pretty old-school type letters I had in mind when I wrote this. Those kind that in the 80's DID seem to be quite the rage amongst the degenerate literate set.
john i am a new reader,
that was funner than s**t..
i almost peed.
just soz ya know
It was funnier than "spot"? What's "spot"?
Oh, well. The important thing is I almost caused you to suffer from a urinary dysfunction. Cool!
And thanks.
"But I am (apparently: it’s a long story) now done writing books for Bethany House Publishers and/or Steve Arterburn,…"
So, will you be doing a post on this eventually or would that cause more problems than it's worth?
Hi, Diana. I really, really, really want to shut up about the whole thing. And I KNOW I should.
So I probably won’t.