Well, school is upon us. Not upon me, but upon many.
Speaking of school being upon people, when I was seventeen I lost my virginity to one of the teachers at my high school. She was then twenty-four.
One Thursday night this teacher called me at home. “I’m out of cigarettes,” she said. “Could you do me the biggest favor, and come bring me a pack? My roommate’s out of town, and my car’s not working. And I’m just dying for a cigarette.”
After hanging up the phone I told my step-mother where I was going, and why.
“You’re gonna have sex,” she said.
“What? What makes you think that?”
“No woman calls a guy at night and tells him to bring over some cigarettes unless she wants to have sex with him. Pffft. Cigarettes. She’s not even trying to be original.”
“Do you really think that’s why she called?”
“There’s no question about it.”
I really disliked my stepmother. But, as it turned out, she actually knew some stuff.
And sure enough: by the time the sun rose the following morning, so did I.
I found the porch of the teacher’s home in total darkness. Upon answering the knock upon her door she was lit from behind: all I could see was the silhouette of her body in this … I don’t even know what they’re called. Like a bathrobe, but made of, like, see-through silk? I’m the worst at lingerie names; I have no idea what any of that stuff is called. A gown, I guess? But not like a hospital gown. Like a sex gown.
And that’s when my entire right leg started vibrating like it wanted to hop away and start a whole other life somewhere.
I liked this woman. I’d never taken a class from her. Our relationship consisted entirely of me hanging around her trying to be funny and charming, while she was being so beautiful it cracked me up to even think of trying to impress someone so impressive. That’s why I could flirt with her at all: when there’s no way you can win you’ve got nothing to lose.
“Do you have my cigarettes?” she said softly. Something in her tone made this message appear on the movie screen inside my mind: SHE DOESN’T REALLY CARE ABOUT THE CIGARETTES.
“I do!” I said, wiggling a little brown paper bag. “Winstons.”
“My hero,” she said. She stepped back and pulled her door further open, her gown gently swaying along with her. I saw she was holding a large half-empty glass of wine. “Come on in.”
Soon she was reclining on the white sectional couch in her living room, with me on the carpet before her, sitting hard upon my leg in a determined effort to quash its violent shaking.
“So where’s your girlfriend tonight?” she fairly cooed.
“Oh, she’s at the library,” I said. My voice quivered like a musical saw. I took another sip from the glass of wine she had poured me. I didn’t have a girlfriend just then. I had no idea what she was talking about. I barely understood the meaning of the words I had just heard myself say. My whole nervous system was fizzing and sparking like a blaring radio dropped into bathtub.
Anyway, yada, yada, yada you couldn’t stop me with a fire hose and the next day I was late to my first class.
I was a sexually active teenager, but up until that night had always stopped short of full consummation, because I wanted to make anyone pregnant like I wanted to croak from a heart attack. But this woman clearly knew what she was doing, and so I wasn’t afraid of her becoming pregnant. And she wasn’t a girlfriend of mine, which, relative to this particular matter, I felt a plus. So, for me personally, it was just the perfect way to lose what was left of my virginity. She was great. During the summer before the next school year she moved out of state to take a better job. During the time I knew her intimately I thought of her as a friend, and have considered her a friend ever since.
As we all know, there are lots of terribly dismal stories about when, how, and to whom people lost their virginity. Mine is not one of those.
(Follow-up post: Should I feel remorse over my pre-Christian “sinning”?)
![John Shore on The Huffington Post](http://johnshore.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/huffpost.jpg?w=120 "John Shore on The Huffington Post\")
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John, if it’s the teacher I’m thinking of, I remeber her – dude you would have been a god around school had we known. Of a student body of 2,500 kids, she picked you, you stud you!!
You appear to be assuming that he was the only one.
Agree, so true, she probably had carnal knowledge with a few willing teenagers….
I respect those who have brought critique to this post. As well as those who mentioned the gender biases in our society. I’m well aware of the fact that this could have royally screwed you up (I guess the jury’s still out, right?).
However, the 17 year old boy inside of me (at least the one who was up late looking at porn, not the one who wore a purity ring) just stood up and applauded you.
I believe a “sex gown” would be properly called a negligee.
I love the term “sex gown” though. I think that’s just great!
No, she wasn’t. Promise.
Very well written; You have a great sense of humor ! I thought it was a great interpretation of your experience (apart from the legal ramifications of your story).
I thought it was fascinating how you wrote “So, for me personally, it was just the perfect way to lose what was left of my virginity.” It seems like having sex completed the final step for losing your virginity. Interesting definition of virginity.
There’s a website called LostMyV – http://lostmyv.com/ – where people share their stories about their first sexual experiences.
They are trying to gather the wide variety of experiences that are out there. I encourage you to submit your intimate and unique story as it would be very enlightening to everyone. Thanks, and best of luck with everything!
Change the genders in the story and let the howling begin.
If you want to overlook the sexual misconduct, fine … but this woman should have been strung up by her thumbs for encouraging a minor to buy cigarettes.
no teachers like that when I was 17…I got screwed! and not in a nice way..,
seriously “sex gown” bahahahaha that was too funny lost mine on my wedding night
You lost your sex gown on your wedding night? Did you ever find it? I keep mine balled up and pressed in a quart-size Baggie. It’s not good for it, but there are some issues I’d just rather not face. Or remember.
My story isn’t nearly as interesting. Thanks for a good read!
OK, everything else aside, I just love the term "sex gown."
Negligee.
While we're chatting about sex with minors… would some of you please check out the following:
http://www.news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_upshot/20100903/us_ybl...
And if, perhaps, some of you think it's necessary to call these people on their behavior, please check out:
http://www.protect.org
No child should be exploited.
It's interesting that we live in a country that says 17 year olds are old enough to serve their country (a.k.a., shot and kill another human being), yet some think THIS experience would be too traumatizing. I myself became an adult at age 14. Not by choice, just had to to survive.
As a college professor, many of my students were very near in age to me when I first started. And many of the young men in my classes were interested in me– probably less because I was cute, but more because I spoke to them of more consequential things than many of their peers. Thats is because it was my JOB. There is a level of "cool" that is granted by your students if you are not boring, are young, somewhat attractive, and have a sense of humor.
It is a little bit flattering at first, and you do certainly recognize physical attractions, but you still don't act on it. Regardless of the age difference, there is a power difference. Subtle, maybe, but still there, and still a relationship based on an image of me that was a little bit worshipful. I don't think for an instant think that my students would have regretted a fling had I allowed it. But as their teacher, I would have been creepy. As I get older I still have worshipful students, even if I am not "cute". The sense of "wrongness" is even more obvious. I just hope that your teacher got out of the profession, or at least entered one more suited to her unique "needs".
It’s distressing to me how little we trust seventeen year olds these days. (Take that at face value, please, and don’t make it more of a statement than it is.)
Coercion, assault, lies/manipulation are not okay in sexual relationships at any age. But to say that age automatically and unconditionally makes this encounter wrong is, I feel, to insult John’s agency and autonomy. John seems to have no regrets, and it also seems that he knew what he wanted. I’m frustrated with the patronizing attitude taken towards teenagers and sexuality a lot of times these days.
I’m not saying I think it was a wise choice on the part of John’s teacher. Or even a morally okay one. I’m not making a moral judgment here, because I wasn’t involved, John was, and he’s happy with the way things worked out. But I am saying that the US has a problem with the way it frames the sexuality of teenagers. It’s viewed as illegitimate or nonexistent, and IMO that’s insulting to a population that deserves more credit than they’re given.
I really liked how you phrased your response. I imagine you would be a good advocate for people, especially teenagers:)
Ah … sanity. Thank you.
I think the real problem is that with teenagers, emotional and intellectual development and maturity is ALL OVER the map.
There are some mature 15 year olds out there who are as capable of making decisions for themselves as adults, and there are some 17 year olds who are still mentally/emotionally hanging out in the 5th grade. Most high school students fall somewhere in between those two extremes.
The laws we have against under-18's having sex are meant to protect the weaker members of the group, I think. And that's not necessarily a bad thing.
At any rate, the courts do not have the ability to discern the "adult" teens from the "kid" teens, so you have the system we have.
If there are "kid" teens, it's because we have created them through laws like these. The notion of adolescence, the very concept of a teenager, is something that's developed only in the last century. And it's to everyone's detriment.
If we stopped telling people aged 13-18 that they're still children, that they can't be trusted, that they need massive books of rules and laws to define what they're allowed to do, that they are incompetent? We will get exactly what we've predicted. Treating them high schoolers like competent individuals who are responsible for the things they do and say will create high schoolers who are competent and responsible, at least better than our current system does.
There are 27 year old men who are mentally/emotionally hanging out at around the 5th grade. But it's not socially acceptable, and we don't give them a free pass or pass restrictive laws defining what they can do because of that fact. If it weren't socially acceptable (almost socially mandated) that "teenagers" be children? They wouldn't act so much like children. We're doing this to them.
There is no difference in the eyes of the law between a three year old and someone who's a day away from their eighteenth birthday, with the exception of driving. I understand that any age of majority is going to be arbitrary, but I think that our arbitrary age is several years too high. That's what I believe.
Recently I’ve been learning about brain development and emotional maturity and what historically in the Judeo culture was expected of young people. At 13, they came into maturity and social standing as someone who was capable of discerning right from wrong and being held accountable for their actions – however, decisions were still made with the guidance of parental management. Before the age of 13 is called the “Age of Directives” where the parents tell them what to do and how to recognize right from wrong. They also learn it from watching their parents model the appropriate behavior and stories are passed down that teach right from wrong and the consequences of the choice one makes and how it affects the community and the individual.
At the age of 30, they come into the “Age of Decision.” That means they are no longer need guidance from their parents or elders. But from the age of 13 until 30, the young members of the community are given guidance and feedback from parents and elders and this is called the “Age of Parental Management.” The elders pass down their wisdom and help the young people make “good” decisions that will serve them and their communities well and limit strife and ill-will among the community and promote responsible actions and uphold values and shared beliefs about social norms and constructs that bind people together and create an atmosphere of well-being.
I agree with much of what was written about expecting more responsibly mature actions on the part of young people, but I don’t think that’s what the problem is. I think our young people aren’t being held responsible or having to face any social consequences for their choices. We have an attitude today that we should just allow them to do whatever they feel like doing and we accept and forgive them even when they do things that are wrong and irresponsible. Also, there is too much anonymity and too many adults who are immature because they didn’t have anyone to hold them accountable or model appropriate behavior and healthy boundaries and discipline over their emotions.
Let’s not forget John having sex with his teacher was irresponsible and wrong, too. The teacher was absolutely wrong. Having casual sex is wrong. Does it happen, yes. But that doesn’t make it right.
I don’t know, though. I don’t know how casual it was. We were pretty close.
Teens and adults are held responsible for their actions in our culture; every demographic study of our discipline systems from detention hall to super-max shows that the poor and minorities do indeed pay for their misteps. The children that power forgives, perhaps too easily, are its own. Good thing we’re all children of God.
Interestingly the same laws did not protect my husband from signing up to fight in a war for four years starting at the age of 17, or my father in 1944 from doing the same at the age of 16. Make no mistake, the law is not about protection for THEM. It’s about control for US. We want young men and women to get killed in wars; we don’t want them to have babies. So we pass laws making it legal to do one and illegal to do the other.
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