I got this in today from reader Mike Moore:
Hi John,
As I’m sure you and your readers know, Amendment One is on the ballot this week in North Carolina.
Today I don’t even want to get out of bed. Today is only dread.
Tomorrow, Tuesday, a.k.a. Election Day, will be worse. That is the day whereupon all hope will be lost.
Wednesday will be the worst day. That’s when all the righteous gloating will happen. On Wednesday it will be declared that God’s will has been done, that His people have spoken. Wednesday will be the day when I will know, without doubt, that our life here in North Carolina will always be a little bit—or a lot—worse.
Over two years ago, for our business, I and my husband of twenty-six years (we were legally married, in Massachusetts, in 2008: the picture is of us on our wedding day; I’m on the left) moved from loud, liberal, obnoxious, and wonderful New York, and made Asheville, NC, our primary residence. We chose Asheville because, of all the communities available to us, it seemed the most diverse and gay-friendly. And it proved to be exactly that. We have loved it here.
Asheville is still, however, in North Carolina, and North Carolinians are about to inform my husband and I precisely how much they hate us. North Carolinians are poised to inform my husband and I precisely how unwelcome we are in this state. According to all polls, tomorrow NC’ers will vote overwhelmingly that no marriage or domestic partnership, except that between a man and a woman, can be legally recognized in this state.
Anti-gay laws are nothing new. Laws prohibiting same-sex marriage are nothing new. Those laws work hard to crush our hearts and our hopes and our dreams. Those laws harm us financially and professionally. Those laws harm our families. But we are, sadly, used to those laws.
However, Amendment One is something new. Deeply malicious. Unapologetically, proudly bigoted.
You see, same sex marriage is already against the law the in North Carolina. Marriage is already off the table here. Unlike 99+% of legal marriages performed in other states, my legal marriage is already considered invalid by the state of North Carolina.
But that’s simply not good enough for Evangelicals. Baptists. Catholics. Mormons. Those laws are not enough for inbred southern [bleep] rednecks, or for well-educated upper-middle class bigoted white folk who don’t like their “noses rubbed” in the fact that people like me and my husband exist—even as they send out announcements for their daughters’ purity balls.
Denying us marriage is not good enough for that sack-of-[bleep]Billy Graham and his sacks-of-[bleep] kids. No, they’ll only be happy when any and every form of societal support for my family has been obliterated. They’ll only be happy when gay kids can be bullied without consequences to the bully. They’ll only be happy when the very fine hospital here in Asheville that Mr. Graham uses can, without fear of reprisal, deny me the right to visit my sick husband.
Sure, I know it will get better. But right now, even as someone who loves Dan Savage, my attitude is “[Bleep] that ‘it gets better’ [bleep].” Today, and for a few days to come, I’m just angry.
I know your readers are not the kind of people to support such an amendment and the animus it represents. Nonetheless, there may come a time when a Christian asks you, “Why do gays and lesbians hate us so much?” Should that happen, I hope my thoughts here will come to mind. I know the difference between you and your readers vs. those who promote these laws. However, most of my gay and lesbian friends do not.
It’s a good week to hate Christians. But know I love you and your readers. I guess it’s because I don’t really think of you as Christians, but as people who believe in Jesus.
And, John, thanks for being the one guy to whom I could this letter.
Love to you and your husband, Mike. Sorry this is happening to you.
Sorry this is happening to all of us.
![John Shore on The Huffington Post](http://johnshore.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/huffpost.jpg?w=120 "John Shore on The Huffington Post\")
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I hope no one takes what I am about to say the wrong way, because I am just speaking the truth from my heart and some of it is not pretty. It is even hard to say, but maybe it will shed a little light on why some people act the way they do.
I was raised in a very small community in a rural area of the south. I never even knew someone who was not white personally until I graduated from high school and eventually went to college and worked outside the home. I am thankful that I was raised by parents who taught me to love everyone regardless but the racist attitudes were plentiful and to be completely honest I couldn’t really say anything because I didn’t know anyone who was black. Asian or any other ethnicity. But my father’s family was almost pure Native American, my dad and uncle’s country band were not allowed to play for the dances “back in the day” because Indians were not allowed in the dance halls, so they renamed the band “Hawaiian Troubadours” to account for their brown skin.
Maybe that is why I survived the prejudice that surrounded me. But I think it was because once I left my “safe little world” and actually met people of other races, I found out quickly, we were all the same. But I was still afraid and had I not had the parents I had I can see how I could have very easily fell in line with my peers with the jokes and the remarks or at least kept quiet.
The same was true for gays and lesbians, I didn’t really know any personally (at least I didn’t know that until much later) but when I finally got to work with and became close friends with some wonderful couples I realized they were just like me and I would trust my own children and grandchildren with them any day of the week. I wondered what I had been so afraid of or why I had sat quietly in church while they were doomed to hell every Sunday. I know ignorance is not an excuse. There is no excuse. But human beings had rather damn something than take the time to find out for themselves. Unfortunately many are raised to believe this is the ultimate abomination in our churches from the time we are old enough to walk and talk. It does not surprise me what is going on, but it still makes me very sad and a lot angry. When we know better, we should do better. I ask for forgiveness for ever pre-judging another person because they are different from me in any way. God Bless you Mike and Your Loved One..I wish I could say more but if you can find it in your heart one day….forgive them for maybe they really do not know what they do. And let’s all continue to pray one day they will. Blessing to you my friends.
Hi SquirrelyGirl, (great name)
Unlike you, I grew up in a very diverse community. There was one (kinda) black guy in our high school. There were Goldwater Republicans, and there were also Reagan Republicans. And we had both kinds of music, country AND western.
In other words, I get where you’re coming from.
People like you, and so many of John’s readers, are the reason Mike (yes, my husband’s name is also Mike, ugh) and I were able to be married. You are the people who glimpse the world around them and embrace it, enjoy it, and open their minds to possibilities our world has to offer.
You are one of those people who can look in the mirror and say, “the world is a better place because I’m in it.”
thank you.
Thank you Mike! I am an eternal optimist and I truly believe the more we speak out the more people will know the truth and some will do better…maybe many will do better. Let’s keep trying anyway!
Wow, did we go to the same high school?
It’s scary to realize how much prejudice you’ve unconsciously absorbed before you’re even old enough to think about it for yourself.
Kelly that is so true and then you wonder did you somehow pass that on to your children without even knowing it…I am so thankful that I had pretty open minded parents for their time. My mother was as baptist as they come…or so I thought, but I hate to think what she would say about what is happening in the name of Jesus today…it would not be nice…lol I think she was a rebel in her time and didn’t even know it.
I too sometimes hate Christians, or at least those folks who have hijacked that word in spite of the fact that they really are just selfish, mean and frightened people hiding behind God because they don’t believe they could just force others to do their will. Oddly enough I am a priest too, albeit an Episcopal priest (and the Catholics don’t even believe we’re real priests). So I am with you brother.
I’m trying over here (if the link does not show up for you, message me)
http://www.facebook.com/Vote4MarriageNC/posts/449961961685115
Dear Mike and Mike’s Beloved…
Hi. My husband and sister and I will be getting in a cab in 30 minutes to vote Against this monstrosity of an amendment. I will never hold with legislating hatred into the constitution.
No matter what happens, know that we love and care about you, and will work to see it not pass. If it passes, we will work to see it Overturned. It’s a shame we have to even put common decency to a vote…
Nessie
Why is it OK to point out how some Christians violate the words of Jesus and then hate them? He said “love your enemies and pray for them.” Sorry but you totally lose any moral high ground promoting hate. Admitting a temptation or struggle with hate us one thing but it’s not good to promote.
Oh. So you’re perfect enough so that you can judge others. Wonderful! Thanks for sharing.
No one’s promoting hate. Mike is justifiably venting. Rather than judging him, why not reach out in love and understanding? Bad enough to step on someone’s neck. But even worse to then tell that person that s/he doesn’t have the right to be angry about it.
Please don’t suggest a moral equivalency. Yes, sometimes we lose that struggle in the face of the astonishing, mundane hatred directed at us. I don’t see promotion of hatred-in-kind here so much as simple acknowledgment that a limit is sometimes reached.
Lawrence, you need to understand that people being *angry* with you is very different from *hating* you. Those who are violating the words of Jesus in this instance are getting a direct face-ful of the rage, grief, anger and pain that their decision to do so is causing. They are being told the truth, and they are being held accountable for their impact.
As a Christian, I want to hear the impact of my actions on others, even if I don’t intend to hurt anyone. You should be open to hearing the reality of how your choices, your words and your beliefs impact others.
I’m responding the headline “a good week to *hate* Christians” what if it said “a good week to hate Jews” or “a good week to hate Muslims” etc etc or “LGBT people”….( maybe it’s not Mike who chose the headline……………)
That’s hardly the point, Lawrence. If you.read the title in.context of what’s happened this week and recent blog posts, you wouldn’t see it that way.
Pointing out that something is hurtful and expressing the hurt, especially when that hurt is very personal, isn’t expressing hate. It’s expressing pain. Telling the truth about the pain we experience or the pain others experience isn’t giving up the moral high ground.
“Moral” is not the same as “nice.” And, for that matter, I haven’t seen anyone here even not be “nice.”
When did disagreement on significant moral issues become labeled hate?
I am so not in the mood for sanctimonious scolding today.
I am with you, my brother.
The question is: can we be Scotch Buddies? (it’s like being Facebook Friends, only with liquor.) I prefer Scotch that is old enough to drink Scotch.
Scotch Buddies? You betcha!
to John’s brilliant comment writers: sincerely, thanks for your kind and thoughtful words here, you are such good people and way more patient than I.
I was just gonna tell Lawrence to fuck off.
Fuck off Lawrence.
Signed,
Friend of Mike and his husband.
It’s cruel and judgmental to hassle people who are being hurt for expressing that hurt. Or for expressing it in ways you don’t approve of. Please knock it off.
Also, not that it’s about us straight Christians (because wow is it ever not), but we need to see this hurt and this anger that’s the direct result of harm Christianity has done and continues to do. So that we can’t stand around claiming we’re persecuted and ask “Why do they hate us?” And so maybe we can work on fixing it.
It’s a bit about you straight Christians. I understand why in context of this discussion, you aren’t willing to say it, because it will sound like you think it’s all about you, but I’m a gay man, so I can say it. You absolutely allowed to feel hurt and angry, and feel harmed yourself – not because you are a victim of this anti-gay crusade, but because YOUR credibility as a Christian has been damaged by these people. You are forced to either let people assume that you’re the kind of Christian they claim you all are, try to downplay that you are Christian, or constantly be having to do damage control with people who assume you’re complicit in all this.
I’d be enraged. Feel free to mix in some, “and furthermore, how DARE you claim to speak for all of us” while you are telling them they’re wrong about hurting LGBT people.
Frankly, I’d be saying, at least occasionally, “Why do they hate us? Heck, a lot of the time, I’m starting to hate us.”
sorry…all fixed!
Thanks, Dan and John!
You’re set now. It was a little snafu tied up with our trying to get rid of that fundie troll who uses the spamming program.
Thanks, John. If Dan’s reading this, I suppose it has something to do with the IP address, right? Because I’ve tried all sorts of things for the email, tried putting a different name, tried different browsers, and it keeps saying the same thing.
I don’t know what’s happening there, MT. I’ve asked Dan, my Webby Jedi, to check it out. Sorry about that.
I’m really sad right now. I just want to cry.
How come others are able to post on the very same page? I know that I entered valid emails, so are they suddenly too long or something to be accepted by the blog?
Every time I try commenting right now, I get an error saying “ERROR: please enter a valid email address.” But I tried it with both yahoo and aol emails and from two different laptops and two different web browsers.
This is just so sad and maddening. Our children and grandchildren will remember us as fondly as we remember George Wallace and Jim Crow.
And while that thought does make me feel a bit better, I agree with Mike: Today and tomorrow, especially tomorrow, sucks.
Yeah…I’m not looking forward to tomorrow. If this wins as predicted, the crowing and boasting is going to be nauseating. And the worst will be the inevitable claims that God was somehome involved and supportive of this vile act of man. The smart thing would be to go deep and put myself on a news fast. Will I do that? Do I EVER do that? No. Ugh.
Somehow, not somehome. Double ugh.
You wouldn’t have to go cold turkey from it for a month or anything, but it’s probably good in general every bit that one can reduce any excess in 24-hour news-cycle bread—which full of the yeast of the Pharisees and feeds the masses through media sorcery, while hardly providing anything of any substantive value to the body (but potentially contributing to unnecessary weight gain through increased stress hormones. Tomorrow is a Wednesday—a good day for a Christian to fast according to the earliest practices of the church (and maintained by hard-core Eastern Orthodox to this day), and in accordance with these (though really more for other reasons) might I recommend beginning at sundown.
It’s also traditional, by the way, that fasting be accompanied by prayer and acts of charity—And how much more time one has to devote to these things when fasting!—as fasting by itself really does one nothing (except when for medical reasons), while together the three spiritual disciplines can show us (if done with our hearts in the right place) what is for us to grow in faith (demonstrated in prayerfulness), hope (demonstrated in a temporary fast), and love (demonstrated in the giving of alms).
Furthermore, fasting tends to dull the passions (and too strong of passions very often really do us no good, only interfering, rather, with reasoned understanding regarding the object of our passions).
I think I’ll just drink Scotch all day. That usually does the trick.
“media sorcery”
LOVE that phrase!
Dear Mike, My heart breaks for what you, and so many others, are going through. I hope it helps in some very small way to know that you have support from all over the country.
Fondly,
Kathleen
John, this letter really breaks my heart. I wish I had more eloquent words, like some of the people who commented on your blog page, but right now I’m just too angry and sad at the hatred and bigotry that seems to be getting worse in this country.
When my atheist friends claim that Christianity has caused more suffering in this world than it has alleviated, THIS ballot proposition is exactly the kind of thing they point to. I am running out of arguments. Buehler?…..Buehler?….
Yeah, that’s where I am, too. All I can offer is that they are thinking of Christianism, not Christianity. I’m afraid this distinction is almost always lost.
Don’t argue. Sympathize.
The fact is that Christians have caused more suffering in Western History because most people in Western History have been Christian, at least since we got technology to the point of making inflicting misery really efficient.
If the Romans had won the cut, most of this would be happening in the name of Zeus. And it isn’t like secular groups like the Russian and Chinese communists had such a great human rights track record.
What’s really obnoxious is that some of the same people hurting others in the name of Christ point to everyone else and say how Satanic they are because they hurt people.
The answers is to stop buying into discussions that speak about Christianity as though it is a single organism that does anything. Christianity has never hurt anyone. It has never helped anyone. People did, acting individually or collectively. Stop having that discussion. Atheism hasn’t done jack, either. People do.
And, left to their own devices, people can be pretty crappy to each other sometimes. Like now.
There are also now some early indications of election fraud going on:
http://www.prop8trialtracker.com/2012/05/08/what-to-expect-today-in-north-carolina-and-colorado/
Basically, there are some special ballots for people who are over 17 but will be 18 by the November election, because they can vote in the primary, but not for things like Amendments. And in several areas that are expected to vote heavily against the Amendment, people over 18 are getting the ballot that doesn’t include the Amendment, so they aren’t able to vote against it. Of course, it’s too early to tell just what’s going on, but it smells bad.
Love, support, and apologies to Mike and his husband from an NC resident who voted AGAINST. I am afraid of the same outcome but I do know so many people who felt as I did and we tried really hard to educate people. Maybe we will be pleasantly surprised.
From your lips to God’s ears, Cheryl. I guess some of us are feeling a little fatalistic today. I know I am.
I am. I’m just massively depressed.
I’ve been thinking about this letter a lot this morning. Instead of just shooting from the heart hip that prone to do. I’d love to understand what kinds of specific support those of you who are GLBTA find. Omforting and encouraging in the face of this vote today. I hope you will let us know so we can give it
I met the man of my dreams in 1991. We fell in love, we moved in together and then we had our own private “commitment ceremony” at a beachside house in Sea Ranch, California in 1992. In August 2008 we were legally married in California. On election day that November, we watched in shock as Proposition 8 was passed. Our marriage survives, but it was a stunning rebuke to gay civil rights and I honestly can’t express here how that made us feel. So, I think I know how Mike Moore and his husband feel. It is indescribable and something heterosexuals will never experience. My husband and I were talking about it last night after watching news coverage of Vice President Biden and Arne Duncan stating their support for marriage rights. (Note to President Obama: EVOLVE ALREADY!)
My husband Reed is the more thoughtful, ponderous (in a good way!) and analytical one. I am the hothead. Reed takes the long view that the ballot measure in NC and others around the country are the loud but last death throes of a culture that is shifting and growing. Systems resist change. I hope he’s right. I want to go to NC and start burning churches down.
So, I suppose what people like us need from our loving and supportive communities on a day like this is patience as we vent our absolute fury. That fury may express itself in a way that might look like the very hatred we see coming at us, but…it’s a process. We will get beyond the rage soon enough. We’ll deal with this, as we have dealt with hate and bigotry for generations. We will pick ourselves up, move forward and turn that angry energy into positive action. We ALWAYS do. Moving away from North Carolina or, in my case Atlanta, doesn’t solve anything. We know that. We’ll howl and threaten to move to Canada, but the truth is that in spite of our anger and mistrust we still really do love our country. We believe in it and its promise in spite of the haters like the state legislature of North Carolina.
Done.
Ask.
In real life, tell the gay people you know that this hurts and ask if they want to talk about it. Take no for an answer, if that’s what’s given, and don’t be surprised if any given gay person isn’t up on the news, especially if it’s out of state news. It often amazes me how little some people follow current events, but at the same time, it’s disheartening to hear a seemingly endless series of bad news.
But I know that every time something like this happens, I draw in, and distrust straight people just that much more for a while. Which ones, among all those pleasant smiles and nods and polite greetings just voted to reinforce that I’m not even a person?
It also reinforces how alone we are. Why bitch to another gay person? They already know and share the pain, and they can’t do anything about it. Why bitch to a straight person, who doesn’t care and probably doesn’t understand, or worse, might react hostilely? One thing I’ve talked about with other gay friends is how little our straight friends really understand, because most of us went through the worst of our pain when we were in the closet, and by the time we came out, it was important to us to put on a good face, prove we weren’t irreparably damaged and wallowing in victimhood.
So, often, even our closest friends, especially if we met them after we came out, have never heard our stories. That may be less true for younger people, I don’t know. All the rules are changing. But in my experience, for the most part, we don’t share unless we are specifically asked.
I love you Lymis.
This is very helpful. I’ll do it.
What in the hell is a purity ball?
http://johnshore.com/2011/11/02/when-the-purity-ball-ends-occupy-your-body/
Thanks, John.
Oh…my…dear…lord. That is one of the most twisted things I’ve ever heard of.
Right? And some of the comments to that post were a real eye-opener!
The obsession with a young girl’s sex life is very, very disturbing.
I love his closing line: “I guess it’s because I don’t really think of you as Christians, but as people who believe in Jesus.” My new mantle!
Most Christians today give Jesus a bad name.
powerful letter and conclusion: “It’s a good week to hate Christians. But know I love you and your readers. I guess it’s because I don’t really think of you as Christians, but as people who believe in Jesus.”
Would it help to know that all the friends I have in NC are voting against this? I know it isn’t enough to swing the percentages, but there are at least 40 people I know personally who are on your side.
Depends on what you mean by help. I know that for me, any sign of progress, and any sign of support, “helps.” I know you don’t mean something fuzzy and cuddly like “will it make it all better?” And please understand what Gordon said upthread, that this kicks us in out guts, and you supporters are likely to be the people we vent to – our fellow LGBT folks are fellow victims, and as for our opponents, well, venting to them is both pointless and dangerous.
So, yes, it helps. I know you know that it would help more if the question was how to help us celebrate a win.
Hugs and Love to both Mike and his husband! You need to know that the ignorance that breeds the hate that you are feeling is not true of everyone! I wish you guys the best, and as you know, TRUE Love conquers through all the hate you may endure! Keep your head held high, and your eyes focused on what is true! You and many like you are in the thoughts of loving people throughout America today!
Mike – I’ve been sitting here for the past hour, trying to find the words… I’m so angry, sad, and frustrated! I live just south of the line in SC. Know and love Asheville. Breaks my heart for all of us. The only good for me here is knowing I’ve got you and your husband as neighbors.
I was very fortunate to be raised by a man who followed Jesus; a man who was motivated by love. At one point, he told me that if I eloped and only had a contract with the government for my marriage, he would *not* recognize it. He also said that if I made a marriage covenant with someone and with God without the government contract, he *would* recognize that. He believed whenever two are joined in His name, He will be there and He was the center of a marriage. When I divorced my first husband, he stood by me and simply said that he did not think God put us together but, we put ourselves together. When I married another, the first time Dad saw us together, he told me that this was the man God chose for me.
All the above is part of who I am today. I live in Florida and was thoroughly disgusted when that idiot amendment passed here. It was a day to be sad and angry.
Mike, I know that this has to be awful for you. Remember, God put you and your husband together and gather strength and peace from that.
My heart really goes out to Mike and his husband. I lived for 27 years in Asheville, leaving in 1998 for the Piedmont of NC. Asheville is a warm, caring, accepting and inclusive community. I never felt demeaned or unwelcome or hated while living there. I felt totally accepted and comfortable to be who I am. Since moving to the Piedmont I have experienced hate, contempt, angry words, threats and the worse, betrayal from those who pretended to accept and support me. Amendment One has done nothing but to divide the community more and spread hate. Mike be thankful that you and your husband chose Asheville, don’t let the haters win.
One of the things that I find the saddest about this is that, even though the Amendment very clearly states that if it passes, marriage between a man and a woman will be the only legally recognized domestic relationship in the state, the majority of the voters don’t realize it will ban civil unions.
When they ask people if they would vote for an amendment to ban gay marriage, they say yes by a sadly sizeable majority. When asked if they would vote to ban civil unions, support drops by over 20 points and this amendment would fail.
So not only are the supporters of this amendment banning both gay marriage and civil unions, they are deliberately clouding the issue – in many cases, outright lying – about what it does, so that it will get passed.
If this plays out the way it has in so many other states, the moment it passes, people will start saying “we had no idea it would do that! Sorry! (But, now that it’s the law we have to follow it.)”
Amendment 1 seems like sound and fury, signifying nothing. It might be good to remind any gloaters that they still have a black President. This is the real burr under the saddle of these right wingers. Don’t forget to vote in November. Get a good nights sleep. Let the angry haters do the fussing. Let them think they’ve won something. They know their ship is sinking.
Oh, but those people made it absolutely clear (after spending the whole election year threatening to move to Canada if a n***** was elected President) that Obama is only HALF black, so the claim that Obama is America’s first black President is just Liberal hyperbole….
[dons Sarcasmo cape and flies away]
Ummm… no. Half his ancestry is not African. We’ve seen pictures of him in swimsuits. He’s pretty much black all over.
He’s multiracial, not a zebra.
Lymis, there are Christian Identity types who claim that the only black people who have ever accomplished anything did so because they had white blood, because black people are basically animals.
You know this, and I know this, but this is really how some folks sought to lessen the liberal victory. That, and claiming that he’s not a US citizen, and claiming he’s Muslim, etc. I think Allie kind of hit on it: from some racists’ perspectives, the only qualified black man is a black man who’s not all black.
Are you sure, Lymis? I heard that he *is* a zebra, and one from Kenya to be exact.
Oh, and from what I understand, zebras are ignorant of God; they worship America’s chickens or something like this (no, really, it was caught on tape)!!
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