The largest Protestant denomination in the United States, the Southern Baptist Convention was founded in 1845 in protest against growing anti-slavery sentiment in America. For most of the 20th century the SBC served as spiritual ground-zero for Christian white supremacists.
In 1995 the SBC finally apologized for its appalling past, and announced to the world that they were no longer racist.
Last month the SBC elected its first African-American president.
The next day the SBC overwhelmingly passed a resolution affirming the belief that marriage is “the exclusive union of one man and one woman” and that “all sexual behavior outside of marriage is sinful.” The resolution further asserted that “homosexuality does not qualify as a class meriting special protections, like race and gender.”
Once can’t help but wonder how long it will be before the SBC elects its first gay president. I’m going to guess fifty years (though it may not take that long). I’m further going to imagine that at that time we will see something like this release issued from SBC’s headquarters:
The Southern Baptist Convention
Heroicaly battling history since 1845
July 2, 2062
The Southern Baptist Convention herbey announces that just yesterday we elected a DEFINITE HOMOSEXUAL as the new President of us.
This move tells the world that the Southern Baptist Convention have now officially ended our perceeved discrimination against
darkiesbaby-makersjewsthe gays.“Despite all the hangings and bullying and all that, we never did feel nothing but love and respect for all the people outsiders was always accusing us of hating,” said Clerve Mintoon, our president before
the fagour new president. “And that’s why right now we are super excited about this historianic event. It’s gonna bring us a whole lot more members. Which is great, because we don’t really have all that many left anymore. So we’re sure hoping this helps with that.”Even though we are now officially okay with people being gay, the Southern Baptist Convention still wants all it’s members to know that we will valiently continue in our nobel and traditional quest to make all of humanity the same and good. That is why we are also announcing today that from now on we will be looking to in every way call into question the relationship between our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and the following categories of peoples:
- Orientals
- Muslimites
- “Mentally handicaped” people
- People who limp
- Left-handeders
- Married people with no kids
- Vegetarians
You will get from us soon information and updates about these exiting new initiatives. We pray that you will help us help God realize His plan for all mankind by donating to us very generously.
May God bless you and keep you a strong and righteous defenderer of the Faith!
![John Shore on The Huffington Post](http://johnshore.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/huffpost.jpg?w=120 "John Shore on The Huffington Post\")
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When this occurs it will no longer be a newsworthy event,now, if it happens in less than 10 years,i would be willing to say the Lord works…
no way. I know it is hot as Hell outside, but I didn’t notice it freezing over…
About as likely as women being ordained.
That deliciously goes both ways, since it’s nearly impossible to believe in the Roman Catholic Church ordaining women this century, but the Anglicans and Episcopalians have been doing it for decades.
Anyone who doesn’t think that the Baptists don’t already have (closeted) gay people in positions of authority isn’t paying attention.
Confuse me much John?
It is a new day!!
Whew! ROFLOL! John, you are too funny. Unbelievable? Yes!!! 50 yrs. or less? I don’t think so! 50 times 3 ???
@Logan Judd: I believe that the top three are Roman Catholic, Southern Baptist and United Methodist.
It gets difficult with some of the looser Protestant groups — some would say Pentecostals outnumber Methodists because there are so many independent congregations that come from that tradition, even though they are not part of an organized denomination. On the other hand, there are a substantial number of “Southern Baptist” churches that are not affiliated with the national Southern Baptist Convention.
Note: that will probably be considered good english in 2062. Just so you know.
I used to go to a Southern Baptist church, but never knew the official stances… From what I’ve heard and taken, “Baptists” can pretty much open up a church anywhere and not really listen to the ur-head-authority. Of course, this makes me wonder what kind of weird, false assumptions people had of me when I said I went to a Southern Baptist church… (“We think gay is sin” would be a *true* assumption for my old church, but racism would not be – we were a pretty diverse group. Also weird. And not prone to following strict symbolic authority. Most church study services were us doing Bible reading and asking questions and proposing theories).
That said… 2062? Really? I found myself last night reading a bunch of articles on the Psychology Today website and skimmed past one that announced “Religion Will Be Gone in 2038!” – I didn’t read the article, as I’d already read a couple by the same author and knew I’d be reading more of the same on his “theory of affluence.” I did see a bit of the article summary as I was skimming that gave me pause; “Religion will go the way of horse-travel.” and I blinked and thought “Up until recently, I *worked at a barn.* What did I clean up after for two and a half years?” – and I can drive a couple of counties over to find people using horses and buggies as actual necessities. I got to thinking about all the things and ideas that are considered “obselete” now that people actually do still use. I have a disk of emulated Atari 2600 games (if you’re a gamer, you know that’s not just dinosuar, that’s Pre-Cambrian…) My guy’s sister makes chaimail, has spinning wheels in her home and wants to learn now to flint-knap….
Unforutnately, I think discrimination is one of those things that never really goes out of style, too – only the targets change.
I don’t think they’ll ever discriminate against a good flint knapper!
I still have an original Ninetendo system and about 15 games. I don’t feel so bad now.
Those are like… collector’s items among the geek-set! Seriously. I regret giving my old NES away to my sister’s kids and now have some emulations of old games for more modern systems (such as the Legend of Zelda classic collection disk for GameCube – even GameCube is considered a bit dinosuarish now…) Over on the Zelda forum I go to, I like giving stuck people tips on playing and beating “Adventure of Link” – second in the series and considered one of the *hardest* games Nintendo ever made. I’ve beaten it more than once, but it’s weird to go back to something like that after seeing new computer-based stuff. I just got back from the movies – the latest Pixar thing and it’s like… yeah, wow computer graphics have advanced in my lifetime, but sometimes, I still like the old clunky stuff. Hobby. Nostalgia.
Off topic.
I know next to nothing about how Baptist run things, but haven’t I heard pretty consistently about the SBC booting gay-affirming congregations from fellowship?
Wow, John, you certainly got my attention! One day, a hundred years from now…
Way too many people actually Believe this as true… Its NOT,,,,,unfortunately.
ill have you know, my daddy kin spell. he went to a babtist cemetary.
HAR!!!
I hope that the SBC doesn’t exist in 2062.
LOL!
Yeah, John
Hysterical! Love the in-line edits. Most of all, thanks for calling the SBC on their “historic” event. Please.
it’s NOT TRUE…AT ALL. They elected their first Black President. The very next day they reaffirmed their ‘ Marriage is for one man , one woman’ stance.
LMFAO!! I am completely filled with big platonic homo love for you.
The next time you’re out in North Carolina, I’d like to take you and your wife out to Cracker Barrel (emphasis on “cracker”) for Sunday lunch.
Done! (Got your “fear” email, Mike. Great thought. Will probably adapt for next podcast.)
Honestly, I couldn’t do that to you and your wife. Or me. (too many Southern Baptists, and more importantly, the “Barrel” don’t serve liquor.) We’ll hit Grove Park.
Regarding podcast, please remember that just because my Dad was a D.C. warlord who spent 30+ years building bigger, better, and faster (got it down to about 45 minutes, I think) ways to destroy every living thing on this planet, it doesn’t make him a bad person.
No, I wasn’t going to talk about your dad. Just the whole fear thing generally.
wasn’t too worried.
btw, a couple of my friends have listened to your podcasts … lots of love coming your way.
Oh, really? That’s nice to hear. I’ve been wondering if that thing is just too lame to even keep doing. I’m so … NOT a radio guy. But I do enjoy it. So I appreciate the encouragement. Thanks again.
what’s the old line, “he’s got a face made for radio?” JK. I can’t offer industry/professional insight, but my friends agree, they think you’ve got a great voice and style for radio.
Any radio producers out there? Anyone? Anyone?
Arrrgh! Say it ain’t so, John! I’m subscribed, and I listen to you instead of doing housework or answer annoying telemarketer calls.
If I didn’t have your podcast, I’d have to deal with all that sh*t instead. Not to mention it’s inspiring and stuff… so don’t give up on us!
It is not lame. It is no place close to lame. Don’t you dare stop doing your podcast–unless, of course, you really want to.
No no, they are so good!!
I kind of hate podcasts in general, but I like yours. You’ve got a great informal delivery, it reminds me of talking to a friend on the phone.
DO IT. I’m behind on my podcast listening but just listened to the one where you got kicked out of church and it was great! You have a good voice for it and a good conversational tone. Don’t give up! Lots of folks listen who you will never hear from. I have a podcast, and I know for every person who calls or emails, there are lots who just listen. So, as long as you enjoy it, keep it up! We’re listening.
Um…by “DO IT” I meant keep podcasting.
I laughed OUT LOUD.
I connot believe it!
I bet it was incredibly difficult to write as a Southern Baptist, but you seem to have nailed it.
It DID take me an insane amount of time. Cuz I HATE the ol’ Southern-people-are-stupid canard. But … so … I did search for that impossible balance. So thanks.
Wow… I was shocked, wondering if this was actually true, but not at all surprised to see it was a joke!
people of ornamental origin?..well that rules out trophy wives.
I actually just changed that, SD, back to “Orientals.” (I wasn’t sure people would make the jump from “ornamentals” to “orientals.” My wife was fully voting for “Ornamentals,” but …. ?)
Actually I at first read Oriental, then realized what it really said, then started laughing even harder.
Oh, really?? So Cat (wife) was maybe right! Again.
I would’ve known.
My mom like to try and make my head explode by saying “ornamentals.” I promise, though, she only says it to me.
REALLY? Hmm. So how common do you think that is? Do you think MOST people would get that joke–would get that it’s a mispronunciation of “Orientals”? (Which of course in and of itself is so lame I KNOW it works. But … “ornamentals” IS funnier, if that leap gets made. But it’s not funny at all if it doesn’t, of course.)
As the mother of two lovely Ornamentals, I am concerned that the SBC is planning on striking an initiative against them. I am more concerned, however, about what will happen to SBC headquarters when friends of said Os find out about this.
I LOVE Ornamentals. I may start using it at home.
Well, mom is 74, so I don’t know. I honestly think a lot of folks would get it, especially after reading Mindy’s comment.
So how long will it be before us left-handed married people with no kids are fully accepted?
Never. Heathen.
*snarffle*
No KIDS?!?!?! Dear freakin’ lord, Dan! What the hell did you get married for??? Sheesh. And you want protection from a church. What is WRONG with people like you????
Cats. I have cats.
What I would like to know is how many of us, really, are going to be all THAT surprised to discover that God is a cat?
It would be conclusive proof that the Bible is not completely inerrant. There is no way a cat created humanity in its image and ended up with us.
On the other hand, that is just the sort of thing a cat would say to keep us from figuring out what’s really going on.
“There is no way a cat created humanity in its image and ended up with us. On the other hand, that is just the sort of thing a cat would say to keep us from figuring out what’s really going on.”
Heehee!!
I am the chief litter box cleaner and food bowl filler of three cats. And believe it or not I managed to figure (probably from all the cat hair I inhale) the divine nature of cats and wrote my own religion around that concept. The rules exist on my blog.
Oh, i like that.
Cats are so zen (except when they totally flip out, but always for what is to them a good reason.)
Huzzah for furbabies!
I have two.
Mindy, it’s perfectly responsible for left-handed people not to want to pass that curse onto another generation. Sure, they can adopt, but who’d want them raising kids?
Yeah we’re ambidextrous (more or less) in this house and… Keeping cats is definitely safer.
Well crap! I’m hopelessly left handed.
AND I bet your spell check was miffed at you when putting that proclamation together.
Me, too! I am in big trouble. My right hand serves for nothing more than balance.
I also have curly hair. I imagine we’ll be targeted eventually.
Wait, myopia wasn’t on that list was it? I certainly hope not because I need glasses to find my glasses. Heaven help us all if I tear a contact and I’m not near a replacement.
Myopia is right next to Europia, right? And that’s over near them Muslins and Ornamentals.
I remember saying “I hope it doesn’t take them 150 years like it did for slavery”, but you wrote this article so much better.
year 2062! funny!
As a former Southern Baptist, I think you’re being exceedingly optimistic with your estimate of 2062. I could, of course, be wrong – I often am, and being wrong in this instance would make me very happy.
I thought the United Methodists were the largest denomination in the U.S.?
Baptists are the largest. Southern Baptist is the largest sub-group with just under a third of all members. In my state Methodists fall in fourth place in members, behind the SB’s the Church of God and the Pentecostal Holiness.
I think the Methodists used to be….maybe before they started marginalizing people…..
The Methodists were the largest denomination in the USA at the beginning of the twentieth century. Eventually, the Catholics became the largest denomination (mostly due to immigration and fertility rates), but the Methodists were still the largest Protestant denomination until sometime in the mid-1970′s. Starting in about the 1960′s, though, the “mainline” Protestant denominations started losing membership while Evangelical, Pentecostal, and Charismatic denominations began expanding rapidly. Thus, today, the Southern Baptist Convention is the largest Protestant denomination and the Methodists are in the middle of the pack (they are still probably the largest of the “mainline” denominations, if that term even means anything anymore. If you lump the “non-denominational” and “independent” churches that nevertheless hold to Baptist and Pentecostal doctrine in with the organized denominations, the numbers are even more skewed.)
There are many reasons why many people abandoned the mainline denominations for conservative churches, and gallons of ink have been spilled over them. But, contrary to what Carol said, I believe that it had a lot to do with the mainline groups not marginalizing enough. For a lot of people, it is not enough to be told that they are Good, and therefore Loved–they also want to know that people not like them are Bad, and therefore Hated. The sad truth is that one sure-fire way to get people into the pews is to elaborate how everyone not in those pews is lost, and must be found, and of course anyone who resists being found (because they don’t want to pay the price of sitting in that pew) is evil. Many of the “mainline” churches resist this logic, on the grounds that while it might be good business, it is not good religion.
That is, pardon the expression, funny as hell.
Did I just hear the Earth split open???
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