Hi John -
Though I live in New Jersey and work in New York City, I’m just now writing you from Lynchburg, Virginia. I’m visiting my four kids, who live here with their mom, who is my ex-wife.
As you may know, Lynchburg is the home of Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University. It’s pretty much ground zero for American fundamentalist Christianity.
Writing to you has been on my bucket list for quite some time now. I’ve been following you on Facebook for awhile now, and I just recently received your book UNFAIR. (I appreciate the autograph and message inside the book, btw.) I’m probably half-way through it. I’m loving every word.
I’m compelled to write you on this summer evening from my Lynchburg hotel room, which is located right across from Liberty University. As I am writing my two daughters (ages 8 and 6) are on the bed playing with dolls. I’m writing you now, I suppose, because I’m sort of “in the moment.”
Your recent blog about fundies [I've loved me some gay-condemning fundies] actually made me tear up as I was reading it.
I’m smack dead in the center of it all when I’m here in Lynchburg. There are still so many sad reminders that I face all the time of my life, my upbringing, the changes in my life, and of course the big changes in my children’s lives, and how they are coping with it. All four of my kids attend Liberty Christian Academy.
My ex-wife and I both went to Liberty University in the late 80′s – early 90′s. We were married in 1992 here in Lynchburg, right out of college. My ex-wife has family here. So she and the kids moved back here two years ago after our divorce was final.
Right after turning 40 I finally came out as a gay man. It is still so weird for me to read that sentence. When I see those words, I can’t help but feel radically separated from the world in which I’ve always lived. I feel unequal. And for the first time in my always-privileged-white-kid life, I know what it feels like to be a minority.
So I guess it’s the visit here in Lynchburg that, as usual, has drained me emotionally. Often when I’m here I’ll see someone from my college days, or will run into an ex-brother-in-law or some other ex-family member. It’s weird. I can’t quite describe it. I guess it’s just that weirdness of being an outsider, of knowing that there are whispers about you swirling about. (And sometimes I wish they were just whispers. Not too long ago someone wrote about me on Facebook, “What man could ever leave that beautiful wife and those beautiful children?”)
I’m actually on good terms with my ex. We just had ice cream with our two daughters. And it’s always a good way for us to catch up on what’s going on in everyone’s lives, particularly my two oldest sons (15 & 13), neither of whom speak to me. They’re still angry about the divorce, and about dad being gay.
The good news is that they are thriving academically and socially. Tears welled up in my eyes when my ex, Janet, told me about how compassionate our sons are with regards to kids in their school that are not popular, that are a bit on the outside. She told me how our youngest son had recently stood up to two older boys who were bullying an overweight kid at school. That made me so proud.
I hope that one day my sons will be able to accept and love me just as I am. Despite the conservative environment they’re in, they are huge fans of Glee and Lady Gaga. So there’s hope.
Anyway, my point with this letter is to say thanks. Thank you for your tireless crusade and message that I believe is having an impact in our American culture. Thank you for speaking up, for calling these crazy Christians on the carpet. More of us need to speak up. It really saddens me that there are still so many people out there that will end up getting married to someone of the opposite sex justy because they lack the courage and/or support to live as they truly are.
I can’t help but look at most of these “biblical” Christians that I see and think how ridiculous they are—but then have to remind myself to “forgive them, for they know not what they do.” And sometimes I’m even at odds with that thought, because they really do know better. They know what harm and pain their words cause. I’ve certainly been deeply wounded by so many “Christians” who couldn’t wait to condemn me. I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of “loving judgment and spiritual concern” from my longtime Christian friends, their view of the Bible now so vastly different than mine.
Being removed from church membership because of my “lifestyle choice,” for instance, was such a painful and surreal experience.
I know firsthand how being treated as I have been can put one in the grips of depression and despair: thoughts of suicide can even completely take over. For me it has all made for a long and brutal road. And I sense it’s going to remain that way for quite some time. I honestly fight it on a daily basis. A former boss/friend of mine recently texted to ask how I’m doing. I replied, “You know, God gives me just the right amount of grace each day.” True that, but I could use just a wee bit more, please.
On the other hand, I’ve discovered a Jesus that I never really knew nor appreciated. It’s his life and words that inspire me to keep on going. As well as people like you, John.
I’m so grateful to the Universe and God for the Internet, and for how we all connect for the greater good.
Christians against homosexuality! Be afraid!
Hide your children!
Mobilize your legislators!
Call upon the very wrath of God!
Or, you know: rethink the Bible’s clobber passages, free yourself and those it harms from your bigotry, and start insisting upon a newer, better Christianity.
![John Shore on The Huffington Post](http://johnshore.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/huffpost.jpg?w=120 "John Shore on The Huffington Post\")
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I can’t stand that attitude from the people at my Christian high school and Liberty Univ. There’s too much pressure for gay women and men to get married. In the end, it causes heartache for loving spouses and children. These churches need to change their approach to the subject.
I’m the letter writer, and well, I’m also lame for not responding to all of the many wonderful people, and their loving comments. Several things struck me as I read through the comments. I always knew that my story wasn’t unique at all, but hearing from so many others out there simply reinforced that. Which of course, saddened me too. And which also makes me think of the other thoughts that I didn’t address necessarily, but want to add in. It’s not just me that has gone through the ringer — so many others. My lovely ex-wife, my wonderful kids, my parents, my friends — all discovering a part of me that they never knew. And as I shared with many of them how my point of view on the issue of Christianity, the Bible, and homosexuality had changed, their worlds were rocked and turned upside down in ways as well. The other thoughts that I wanted to convey & confess — I was terrible at times in the things I did, the betrayal, the things I said. I wish I could go back in time and erase — and behave differently — handle the situation in a much better way. But I can’t. But I’m asking for forgiveness.
So, it’s not just my loved ones, but so many other peoples’ loved ones go through this same turmoil. I was struck by how many of you on John’s post and thread are so loving, compassionate….and articulate and intelligent. Grateful for John’s messaging out here as well as so many others that are creating a voice to help educate our world. So a very big thanks to you all that took time out to write back such insightful and informative responses. Wish I could give you all a big hug.
I also believe that, if there’s any beauty or any learning through truly hitting rock bottom, one gains a far greater understanding and sense of compassion, for those that are hurting and in need. Whether it be someone that is homeless, suffers from depression, or has experienced loss — I have had my eyes and heart opened wide. And for that I’m truly grateful — it has made me a very, very different person. Someone commented on another of John’s posts this past week, and what she said really underscored what it’s all about.
Blessings – and peace and the love of Jesus to you all.
I am a little late to this post, but I was touched by it as I grew up in Lynchburg. My family was not part of the group we call, “Falwellites,” but you couldn’t help interacting with them everywhere. (I’ll never forget one summer job with L.U. students in which a co-worker who wanted to be a minister said she couldn’t be because of Paul, and as sad as that made her, she never picked and chose pieces of the Bible. I think her faith was quite shaken when I gave her the standard list of Leviticus craziness that no modern Christian adheres to.)
I also have known other LU graduates who have gotten married and had kids and subsequently come out of the closet. I just want you to know that you are not alone and that there are quite a few people who went to LU who realized later in life that sometimes Rev. Falwell did not speak for God. I wish you luck in the future, and next time I am back visiting Lynchburg, I will think of you and your family.
I loved this letter. My prayers go out to this man and his family.
btw John, I love the original title as it reads in my google reader.
For anyone feeling inclined, one of the biggest companies on the planet makes a formal commitment to help decriminalize homosexuality and eliminate homophobia throughout the world.
Check it out:
http://www.google.com/diversity/legalise-love.html#pride
Letter writer– I am SO glad this was posted today. I am YOU! Separate by a few years and a couple of kids…but a gay L.U. survivor who came out at 36!
Married for 14 years, two kids, and feeling the isolation of it all once coming out. I wonder how long you’ve been out? For me, it was more of a “Ok, I just went from being the guy who ‘struggles with his same sex attractions,’ worthy of a good ‘how to be a good little ex-gay’ seminar” to, “Yep, I’m gay.” After my wife’s second affair in particular, it was clearly time to call a spade a spade, even though she knew as well the whole time—guess we were just both trying to force a life that we thought we wanted, but was clearly inauthentic and void of any true fulfillment.
I commend you for your courage—I know what it’s like in particular to be both a believer, an ex-ex-gay, to have kids, and to come out when you’re past the “ok to rage” age! We are definitely few and far between. I deal with feelings of isolation all the time. But, I continue to just plug into new, accepting communities, and even though I may feel the loneliest at night, it’s nowhere even close to the isolation, desperation, hopelessness, and isolation that I felt when lying next to a person with a wall in between us & I was living a lie.
I have my kids, 6 and 2, with whom I am tremendously blessed, and I have opportunities that others only dream about. And now I am actually PRESENT for them. Peace, love, joy—yeah, I get it now….the Holy Spirit is NOT out to get me, or you. Yahoo!
If you haven’t already, read “The Velvet Rage: Growing up Gay in a Straight Man’s World.” A friend gave it to me; changed my life.
Thank you again for sharing your story.
Ezekiel 16:49
For THIS was the sin of Sodom: She was arrogant, overfed, unconcerned, and did not help the poor and needy.
To the letter writer:
Well… Same thing here. I was married for 10 years. As a matter of fact, it was the 10 year anniversary coming up at the time that made me really start to think (about 6 months before) that it was time that I be more truthful with myself, with her, and with everyone who knew me… The story is almost cliche. Grew up in an Assembly of God Church. My mother, I think, knew on some level… and as a blunt New Orleans woman, often found places to inject her thoughts on the issue of homosexuality, and of course all negative and all stereotypical.
My now Ex and I met in college deep in The South, both sharing the same major and circle of friends. She WAS my best friend, both before marriage and during our marriage. We were intellectual equals who had a undeniable attraction to one another for a variety of reasons. On that, we found what we both felt was a rich love. We shared a life together, had a child together, formed careers together, and were each seeking that amazing level of happiness that everyone seeks… together! I had been deeply in love with her, and in ways that any physical attraction could not measure or surpass… although, in retrospect, I can say now that I knew that attraction was there… I just ignored it. I wasn’t important. Only she was. Everyone knew us as a couple, and we even worked together in very visible positions in the public school system. However, like what may happen to anyone, as one-half of any type of couple, somewhere along the way I lost my true love for her…
She is a wonderful person, and deserved better. Some may say she deserved better even when I did feel as though I was “in love” with her, but… alas, we were VERY good together. We made each other better people. I know that while she is still very hurt by me, by even the sight of me, that she too would admit that.
What I wish I knew how to explain to her, is that I too am/was hurt by me… by the path that I took… I hurt myself… as I am the type of compassionate person who dreaded the thought of inflicting pain of any type on anyone, especially someone whom I’d once felt deeply in love with. That day of “doom” was the source of nightmares in the latter days of my resolution to tell the person whom I’d built a life with about a part of me that I’d kept veiled from everyone. I knew that EVERYTHING would change.
We are deep in the “Bible Belt” here where we both live. I too now pop over into the adjacent town where she lives to pick up my daughter or run an errand, and I can feel the stares of people. I can literally hear them talking about me in the grocery store while I am shopping with my daughter. I have resigned my highly visible position in the school system, and am headed out of state to start fresh.
I hope that one day, for the sake of our 6-year old daughter that we can again learn to be “friends” in the way that we were that first drew us into a relationship in the first place. I hope that she can find it in her heart someday to know that on some level, I will always love her. That I never wanted to hurt her… I thought that our love and “fit” with each other could override this part of me… I want her to find someone who “fits” with her in EVERY way…
Things are easier now… sort of. I’m in debt up to my ears due to taking my half of our assets (debt), and also attempting to put a sufficient roof over my head. The nightmares have stopped. There’s nothing in the back of my head anymore. Everyone I know has “heard about” me, because in The South we “fellowship” with information about others. We don’t gossip. Most people are “OK with me,” as if I am supposed to be concerned with what/how they think… Some have disappeared from my social and occupational web of acquaintances.
My mother continues to refer to this as “the choice that I made.” Yes… because I would have “chosen” this. I try to explain to her that I was chosen; I have just stopped running from myself.
As for my relationship with Our Savior. I love him as I always did, stronger now than before. I still believe that he loves me and everyone like me… and I now know more than ever that the people who spew the hate-speech, these so-called “Christians” know nothing truly about the love of Christ.
Jarod
Powerful story Jarod, and thank you for sharing it so honestly. How true we all make ‘choices’: whether to live gay or straight, whether to live an obvious church-going lifestyle, whether to stay close to a family that doesn’t want to see you for who you truly are, etc, etc.
The challenge always remains for each of us, I think, to determine what our True North is and take daily steps to follow it. Even when that sometimes means leaving people we have loved behind.
The god I’m down with gave me my path–good and bad– and all I can do is honor that path the best I’m able. And that’s all I can ask of others in my life.
I feel so sad…I hate it when I hear/read the word ‘suicide’.
To our dear “letter-writer”,
I truly hope you have at least one good, true friend that hears and accepts your plight. Someone who will walk along side, before, and behind, to support and love you. I hope that you hear/read all these words of love and encouragement, and can find some sense of comfort. I can’t bear to think of your isolation and torment. Please, please don’t give up. It sounds as though you have a relationship with Jesus. Try to stay in tune with HIS love and mercy. Let His quiet whispers touch the deepest, darkest parts of your pain. Let His strong arms hold and protect you from the constant onslaught of evils fears and accusations. Let HIS promises fill your mind with visions of ‘tomorrow’, a land with no tears. Oh dear letter-writer…you’re loved! Please know that!
What an inspiration you are to your sons, your children. Though they don’t quite understand that yet, as you persevere through this horrific nightmare, your strength, love, forgiveness, and compassion are going to bring such comfort and power to their lives. They may not see it now, but one day, their hearts will be enlightened, and they’ll see you as the brave, and courageous man that you are. On that day, their embrace will soothe the weeping wounds of your broken heart. You’ll know then, that your life has impacted them in such amazing ways. And that impact will grow, and live on not only in them, but in your grandchildren. What an wonderful heritage you have to pass on to them. Please hang on!
Sorry to go on and on…
I’m sure this man wants no pity, but how could anyone read this without tears? Sharing and sharing and sharing…
Thank you to the letter writer for your bravery and honesty. I hope that as your sons mature they will realize just how much courage it took for you to come out the way you did, and will forgive you and reconcile your relationship. It sounds like they are great kids, they’re just hurt and confused, and I imagine that with loving and kind parents like you and your ex wife they will come around with time.
You know, once you changed the title, it put a whole different spin on the picture.
@ Greg….
A more inclusive acronym to be used instead of LGBT
Q – Queer/Questioning
U – Unidentified
I – Intersex
L – Lesbian
T – Transgender, Transexual
B – Bisexual
A – Asexual
G – Gay/Genderqueer
Do we REALLY have to be QUILTBAGs? I mean, of course we do need to be, even excessively, inclusive – obsessively so. But that is just THE worst acronym I have probably ever heard. I just cannot muster enough PCedness to want to ever be referred to as a quiltbag. I just can’t do it. Can we not just let the Q (queer) be the umbrella term we need and leave it at that? Please?
I’m gay and “old” (51) and just emerging. I’m down with “queer.”
I really like QUILTBAG; Nice, Laury! John, I loved your book Unfair (although I have to admit I prefer the original title); and am now reading Jay Michaelson’s “God vs Gay? The Religious Case for Equality! Well Done.
I think I have to stand with Christine on this one. Thanks for the answer, however. I appreciate any attempts to be inclusive, in fact I work closely with the LGBTQIA office on the campus of UNC Wilmington. Do you have any idea on where this acronym originated? I’ve never heard it before and I’m pretty deeply involved in all kinds of activism. I do not like it, at all, frankly. Unless someone can give me some reason to like it, as in, how does it somehow speak positively of our “otherness”? Thanks!
This reminds me of why I don’t want a new acronym. I came to know of it as “LBGT” issues/rights because of the name of the group on campus where I went to university – where my gay friends went when I was fundy. Then “LBGT” or “GLBT” issues/rights in the news through protests, parades and court rulings. Through winning on gay marriage. “LBGT” means something to me – it resonates. You can’t just replace something that has so much meaning for people. That OUR term. It belongs to us. I’m all for adding new letters, but I don’t want to lose the feel of the original.
It’s basically a memory trick for remembering all those letters in LGBTQIA with the addition of ‘u’. The problem with lgbt is that it leaves a lot of gender and sexual minorities out. “Queer” as an umbrella term is problematic with the older generation who never encountered the word except as a prelude to a beating until fairly recently. It’s also a rather othering term.
I suppose QUILTGAB works as well, but suggests a gathering to discuss quilts.
Yeah, how about not turning a whole community’s experience into a nemonic device?
I mean, can you imagine how far we would have gotten fighting for “quiltbag rights”? Who would have taken us seriously?
Just put in the effort to remember the letters (which, let’s face it, keep changing). Seems like a small sacrifice.
In the perfect world we wish we lived in there would be no need for a term to describe anyone’s “otherness”. I have used LGBT and GLBT (with and without the Q) . Maybe it’s just that I see a “QUILTBAG” as a bunch of fabric squares waiting to be interwoven into one beautiful piece of artwork, that can be wrapped around my shoulders to make me feel warm and comfortable. I still like it, just make it plural and you’ve covered everyone! (I think. . .)
Yes, in a perfect world, we wouldn’t need it. But in this imperfect world, we should make an effort to call people by the labels they prefer.
It amazes me how a child could disown their parent, especially for being honest about who they are. I hope they grow up, and learn what Christianity is really about. It is encoraging to see a supportive ex-wife.
Your sons will grow up, eventually, but right now they are children. What they thought was a brick-and-mortar family foundation has been wiped out. When they no longer are having their own private pity-party, they’ll come around and ask you for forgiveness and inclusion. They are just kids!
Brian
Im right there with you brother. I was married for 14 years. I didnt have any children but I know what your saying about ex family members, being shunned from your church and dealing with life being a gay man here in Southern Missouri. I spend most of my time feeling out of place and a little alone. I came out about 3 years ago now and things are getting better as time goes by. I have no regrets other then the fact that I lost so many years not being true to who I was, slowly I am coming to terms with it. Stay strong!
Sometimes true acceptance has to start with ourselves before others can accept us. Hang in there. It’s a beautiful universe.
As a divorced parent, I’d just like to say to the writer to give your older sons time…if they are as compassionate as they sound, accepting your sexuality will probably be the easiest part of the healing process. Older kids, in my experience, are very angry at their parents when they divorce, particularly the parent whose life changes might be the reason for the divorce to happen. Their once-stable world has deen destroyed, through no fault of their own. If if they are able to rationally understand why it had to happen, they still need to come to terms with their anger and grief. Even if they have compassion for LGBT people, they may still be mad at YOU for being gay because you are supposed to be married to their mom FOREVER. PERIOD. END OF STORY.
I think my children will always want me to reconcile with their dad, even though I’m now very happily remarried to a man they both adore.
Divorce is just tough on kids, even when its a divorce you can’t really avoid.
I believe your sons will eventually come to terms with their feelings about you and the divorce and your sexuality. Your former church…likely not, may God forgive them. Kudos to you and your former spouse for maintaining a friendly relationship. Its such an adult thing to be able to do and I know so many couples who can’t. I wish my ex was able to be friendly with me, but he just isn’t. It makes it harder for the kids.
I have a hard time with just a little bit of anger every time I go through Lynchburg. I see Fallwell Airport and think of all that money spent honoring someone whose chief contributions seem to be hate and educating other on using that hate all while making tons of money for himself and other rich people. I get upset when a Bretheren church camp has a majority of its counselors come from Liberty or when a father will only give his son money to go to college if he goes to Liberty to “learn the Bible.” I find it hard not to say something snide or mean or even simply “Liberty is not where you can learn about Jesus teachings.” I want to say “are they even accredited as a legitimate college or was that rating system bought off too?”
Honestly, just thinking about it makes me angry right now. Not all people in Lynchburg thing this way though. Some are truly good liberals who follow the teachings of Christ in action if not by name. Some conservatives are good people too that are just misguided. And my anger only makes others angry. I pray I can get over that anger I feel as a knee-jerk response to all the self-serving conservatism that exists here in Virginia and elsewhere in the U.S. now. That same self-serving conservatism used to be rejected while the term liberal was a compliment, even within my lifetime. Now, the reverse is true. God, help me get over my anger or at least, don’t let it upset me so much. If possible, can I affect a positive change in one person outside my family too?
If it makes you feel better, Falwell airport is not named after Jerry, but rather his brother. From what I understand the two sides of that family were quite different in their beliefs.
This actually does make me feel better.
What a horrible contradiction and destruction he had to live through. Not that his sexual orientation was a sin but that he denied it for so long and that caused damage to other and himself. That is so hard to live through and he is brave for finally coming to terms with it. Why can’t conservatives see that this prejudice does such destruction? Because that would be to admit they are wrong about so many things and that the flaw is in themselves.
Touching letter, I wonder though if the writer always knew he was gay and was he living a lie when he met, presumably fell in love with, married and fathered 4 kids with his ex, or is he living a lie now? Most letters and posts I read on here from gays claim they “knew” they were always gay or born gay. When I read letters like this, I end up scratching my head and wonder how it can take nearly 40 years to “come out” when someone was always gay. I guess it was fundamental Christian manipulation /brainwashing for nearly 40 years. My heart does go out to him when I read how his sons have cut off all communication with him, perehpas with time, that relationship can be healed, by God’s grace.
The Christian culture (particularly the Fundamentalist Christian culture–but even the more mainstream Christian culture has been slow on this issue) tells people gay, straight and in-between that homosexuality is a sin–that if you’re sexually/romantically drawn to a person of the same gender, it’s because Satan’s got a hold on you and that you need to fight this “temptation.” Up until recently, there’s been no leeway given for the findings of science or the real experiences of the GLBT (etc.) community. So, a young Christian, finding within his/herself, these impulses will seek to deny them, suppress them, drown them in heterosexuality–whatever it takes to make them go away. Only, they don’t.
This is why the kindest thing we can do for all concerned is to make it safe for the QUILTBAGs to come out. The truth is, gender and sexuality are far more complicated than we’ve been lead to believe in the past. The sooner society comes to terms with this and quits trying to force square pegs into round holes, the easier it will be for all people to be themselves instead of trying to force themselves to be what they are not.
“QUILTBAGs”? Please inform me of the meaning of this odd acronym? My own story is nearly identical to the man who wrote this letter to John, except that I don’t have any children. And, now I pastor a very progressive church mostly made up of LGBTI persons. Still, I find myself clueless as to the meaning or origination of this acronym… Greg
Don’t worry. I’ve only ever seen “QUILTBAG” on this site. It’s aweful. Please feel free to let it die a painful death here.
Sorry. I’ll stop using it.
No apology necessary. It’s used here and the was no reason for you to think anything wrong with it. But it would actually make my day to think it won’t ever be refered to as a quiltbag again.
Most words with “bag” at the end applied to a person would sound insulting. Saying “accept the quiltbags” sounds no better than “we’re stuck with the douchebags/dirtbags/nutbags, so we might as well deal”. It’s, well, mean-sounding.
True, especially regarding the fact that adding the word “bag” is now an effective way to turn any word into an insult. That’s too bad because the word “bag” in itself is pretty harmless. Oh well. Such is life!
Personally, the term has always conjured up an endearing image for me.
I once worked at an arts/craft store and one of the things that we sold were these handbags and shoulder-bags that were popular with the grandma set. They were colorful-paisely and they were quilted. They sold out quickly every time we had them because, well, people thought they were cute. I regret not ever getting one for myself – though I’m too young for it to be fashionable for me. They were quilt-bags! And they were cute!
Just goes to show how different words bring different associations to people’s minds depending on their experiences. Oh well!
Which is simply why communities need to name themselves.
Maybe if selling these quilt-bags was part of being a sexual/gender minority, then QUILTBAG would be the ultimate acronym! The label needs to match our experience.
I read a comic called that, so I was familiar with the term. However I doubt such a mess of alphabet soup will ever catch on. It’s also by no means a given that all people with non-vanilla sexuality want to be grouped together.
I consider myself the “A” in the list – Asexual. I’m one of those “too old to be a virgin” people who is, by choice, because of indifference. Of course, when I’m asked if there’s something “wrong” with me, I bring up my wonky brain chemistry, so I have an “excuse,” I guess.
I don’t think it would be fair to lump me into a big “Queer” crowd. I used to spout the crap I heard from preachers like this place’s trolls use some years ago, so even though I’ve changed, I don’t feel the “right” as it were. I also do not feel particularly persecuted for my (lack of) sexuality – on the same grounds that people don’t have unicorn-hunting parties or feel the need to ban marriages between elves. Being “nonexistant” in the eyes of most of society can actually be a good thing. You remain relatively un-discriminated against simply for flying under the radar.
This is a good point, Shadsie. Arguing for LBGTQ rights is something specific, often legal, which is different from the challenges of the Is and As.
I’ve heard it on this site and here’s what I think it stands for:
Q=queer
U=undecided
I=intersexed
L=lesbian
T=transgender
B=bisexual
A=asexual
G=gay.
That said, I note Christine’s objection to the term so I will stop using it. My point remains: gender and sexuality are far more complicated than we’ve been lead to believe in the past.
Hi Brian,
I know that I cannot speak for the writer of this letter, but I can speak from my own experience. When you are raised in a environment that expects certain things from you, you live into those expectations ( I myself was raised very strict Roman Catholic). Although I had feelings towards other men at an early age, I could not reconcile this within myself; it could not truly be me. I was ashamed and afraid of who I might be and so I pushed all of those feeling deep down inside but the shame and guilt was still there. I was so ashamed of who I was, there was no way I could admit it to another person….because I could not admit those feelings to myself. I am lucky because my sons accept me and my partner for who we are and we have a great relationship with them now, even when their mother was alive we all had a good relationship.
What we learn as a child can and does affect us for many years….I know I wished it was different but the reality is in the process of my coming out I still hurt those I cared about the most, my children and their mother.
Diana and Patrick,
Thanks for your thoughtful replies, always learning…..always learning….
Brian: get to know ONE gay man who was married for, say, 15 years or more, and who then came out. (You’d have no problem meeting and getting to know such a person; they’re everywhere.) You’ll never again ask how such a thing could be true. (And/or read my book UNFAIR. One of the reasons I collected the letters from gay Christians I therein present was by way of definitely answering your exact question.)
Will do John
The idea of “born this way, always this way” comes from the idea that gayness is a discrete, separate category from the rest of humanity–it’s leftover from the days when homosexuality was “diagnosed” by psychiatrists, without input from the person whatsoever. We still act out this “diagnosis” nonsense–ever heard of gaydar?
There is enormous pressure on LGBT folks to “always know,” otherwise we’re “fake” or “just seeking attention.” Our genders and sexualities, immensely private and personal parts of ourselves, become instead a set of characteristics we need to check off in order to be taken seriously or even treated fairly.
But at the same time, the majority of us grow up in communities that have no space for us, no peers like us. There aren’t even WORDS to describe us, sometimes. It’s only natural that many of us (including me) would choose the path of least resistance–be straight, be the gender you were born as. And there are always other considerations in our lives–being LGBT doesn’t define us, and there may be things that mask or cover it up as well.
I have no doubt that the letter writer was sometimes happy and even content with his previous life, and that he loves his children and ex-wife (that much is obvious in his letter). It makes it infinitely harder to step out of that comfort zone to live an authentic life that’s wonderful but scary and unknown.
In short: He is so incredibly brave there are no words
.
I’m probably a bit older than the letter writer, at 52. But I don’t think a lot of people understand, looking at the way things are today what they were like not all that long ago.
I always knew I was different, and it didn’t take me very long to realize that different was bad, and that it was desperately important to figure out fast how to not be different and to stay as visibly not different as possible. It felt as if my life depended on it, and since I succeeded more or less reasonably well, I never had to find out whether or not it really did.
There were no positive gay role models. Period. Nobody on TV. Nobody in politics. Nobody out in public. Nobody who was that wonderful gay couple next door. The year I was born, sodomy was still illegal in every US state. I didn’t find out there was a word for what I was until 7th grade, and even then I didn’t make the obvious connection that if there was a word for it, I couldn’t be the only one.
Pre-internet, the only sources of information about homosexuality were the public library and porn. And in most communities, especially in the south, the library was certainly not going to carry much information, and access to gay porn was pretty abysmal until the 80′s.
So “those people” were universally horrible. “They” were monsters, and everyone knew “they” were mostly interested in little boys, anyway. They were completely anti-social, never had any friends, couldn’t possibly be members of any church, had no social contact with members of the opposite sex, and they were always sad, damaged, and on the fringe of society.
And absolutely everyone knew it was a choice.
So even if you did know, or dimly sensed, what was going on, even if you knew that it was men who attracted you rather than women, if you were a relatively happy, well-adjusted person who went to church, had female friends, loved God, and didn’t wear pastel pink and frilly neckscarves, well then, whatever the hell you were, you weren’t “one of them.”
Believe it or not, it really was perfectly possible to know that you were only attracted to men and not to realize you were gay.
And remember, even to this day, most Christian denominations absolutely forbid sexual activity until after marriage. The further back in time you go, the more they meant it, and the more practically able they were to have it be real. Put stronger social pressures against premarital sex in place, keep people from adolescent access to even straight porn, much less any gay porn, and it’s entirely possible for someone never to really consciously make the connection that they’d rather have sex with someone of the same sex.
All of society shares the blame for this, but conservative Christians more so than most. Because even once homosexuality did come up on people’s radars, they doubled, tripled, and quadrupled down on the idea that it was simply a particularly grievous sin, and to this day many completely deny that there is even such a thing as sexual orientation. The cure it to pray and to get married (to someone else’s daughter, not mine, thanks) and let Jesus make it all go away.
Besides, sex isn’t supposed to be all that important, anyway, and sex for pleasure is suspect in and of itself. So as long as you are procreating, whether you are happy or not is completely unimportant. And most gay men can be great best friends with women and love them dearly.
For someone raised in that environment, including what sounds like exclusively Christian schooling, it actually ends up being a fundamental denial of one’s religion, one’s belief in the inerrancy of the Bible (as taught to these people) and a rejection of Christianity itself to even consider the idea that you yourself might be gay, wired that way, and incapable of change. For a lot of us, it isn’t until we actually are willing to let go of all of that, often because we hit a crisis point that it’s letting go or literally dying, that we can even begin to consider, much less believe, that there isn’t a conflict between being gay and loving God, and never was.
This is where I am at exactly (including my age!) and very well said. I found the courage to come out at age 46, married and father of one. Also employed by a church (!). I have been more fortunate than most, as my former wife and I love each other dearly, as well as our son, and my church, though it went through some very rough times, did not fire me. The “inner work” necessary is what will take longer for me, I think. I remain grateful for so many people willing to share their stories, and for our “straight allies” in our churches and communities.
yes, I always knew, but I’m with Diane. The problem was that it was never an option. The choices were: be straight, or go to hell. You see the categorically reason for suicidal thoughts there?!
Until the fundies get their hateful heads out of their hateful butts, the bullying, depression, condemnation, and judgment will continue….all I can do is live the Truth, in courage and love…being authentic to who I am and not making any apologies.
Ezekiel 16:49
For THIS was the sin of Sodom: She was arrogant, overfed, unconcerned, and did not help the poor and needy.
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