Yesterday I received this email, the subject line of which read My spiritual crisis.
Hi John! I am writing you to get your insight on a struggle I am having. I grew up in a Southern Baptist Church, and loved it. I had what most Christians would call a very close “relationship” with Jesus. Then I went to college. I started questioning things and decided that some of the things I had been taught just were not right. I became extremely more liberal in my views, but still very much involved in my Church and “strong” in my relationship with Christ.
Then I got married and tried for three long years to get pregnant. Three long years of painful, expensive, invasive fertility treatments. I can not even begin to explain to you the emotional sorrow that infertility caused me. It also caused me a huge spiritual crisis. How can an all-loving God bless drug addicts with babies that they don’t even want, while I sat crying with empty arms? Had I not been a good and faithful follower pretty much all my life? Why was I being passed up on the blessing of growing a family? I could not, and still do not understand it.
I eventually found a medication that worked for me, and was able to conceive a son. He is now three years old. For a while the joy of having him overshadowed what I had been through, but now it has been another three years of infertility, and I am going through it all over again to have another child. Only this time, it is worse in a couple of ways. This time, we have no insurance coverage for infertility and no money to afford treatment, so I am left feeling even more helpless than before. Worse than that, however, is that this time, I know firsthand what I am missing out on, so it seems to hurt even more if that is possible. Every time a friend or family member shares their good news that they are pregnant, a small part of me is happy for them, but I mostly just feel the sting of disparity. God is supposed to be fair and just… but I have a really hard time seeing it the longer I live. I would greatly appreciate your thoughts on this. Thank you!
Dear woman who wrote me this:
I’m uncomfortable answering your letter, because I don’t think you’ll like my response. Nontheless:
1. You did have a child. Clearly God fought you pretty hard on that, but ultimately you did receive the very blessing you desired. I’m not sure how not being granted the same amazing blessing twice serves as evidence that God is unfair and unjust. If you knew a poor man who begged, pleaded and prayed to God to bring him a million dollars, and then he got a million dollars, what would you think if he later claimed that God was unfair and unjust for not bringing him a second million dollars?
2. You believe that God has made you infertile; you believe that being a mother is God’s highest desire for you; you know that there are babies out there who need a mother at least as desperately as you want another baby. So maybe adoption might be something for you to look into?
Love to you. I know you’re suffering. But do consider the idea that if God blocks one path for you, it’s because he’s got something even better waiting for you down another.
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God does not have a plan for anyone’s life. That’s fiction to make people feel significant. Anyone who thinks children are a reward or punishment for our behavior needs to enter the Age of Enlightenment ASAP. Fertility is biological, as Brian McHugh says above, and is affected by brain and glandular chemistry.
A decision to have a child is a personal choice, and not a stranger’s business. If you choose not to have children, be my guest.
Letter Writer, I’m really sorry for your pain and your struggle. You totally have a right to feel what you feel.
I tend to think that it’s not helpful to look at every situation in your life as God either punishing or blessing you. Both because God can bring good out of bad situations and because it can make you wonder “What did I do? Why is God mad at me?” when the thing that’s happening isn’t about that at all. I think one of the big lessons from Job is that bad things that happen to you are not necessarily punishment, or the result of anything you’ve done. They just are.
I wish I had a good answer for you on “why” because I know “these things just happen sometimes” isn’t much comfort.
Christ, I hope the writer is feeling strong when she reads these comments- or better, doesn’t read them at all!
God seems to have given us our instincts for the survival of our species, rather than our individual satisfaction. I frequently experience my own in relation to those of others as conflict. It is because God’s way is not my way that I need to pray “Thy will be done.” When I am an infant, many of my infantile desires are God’s will for me, but as I mature, I adapt more to the situation in which I am placed. One of 5 women is Chinese and adapts to having one child, so that there will be sufficient provisions for all the children. This is not done by instinct alone.
Wow. There are some mean people on here. No one has any right to tell her that her feelings aren’t valid, and that is what half if you are doing. Stop being jerks. she came here for spiritual support and got criticized. Pathetic.
Doesn’t it seem that part of the Christian journey is coming up against a blank wall? We ask, pray, beg for what we want, and God seems silent. Oh, this is so hard! Waiting is hard. Learning to listen is hard. Not getting your way is hard. Giving up your sense of control is hard. Dealing with disappointment is hard. Trusting our lives to God is hard. But these hard times can turn us toward God, if we will let them. Reading God’s words in the Bible for comfort and strength (for example, Romans 8, or the book of Psalms), and spending time listening to God will develop your character and will help you to have courage and hope during your distress. Most of the time, there is no sudden cure, no miracle, just a tough slog through grief, pain, and worry. And then one day, probably not very soon, but still, you will come out the other side, having lived through it, and having gained priceless gifts which you won from the struggle. This is your crucifixion. Will you go through it to the resurrection?
Beautiful
I kind of wish I would have just posed a question about blessings since that is what this is really about to me. What is a blessing? “To be blessed” means ‘to be favored by God’. That statement in itself shows God as being unfair – that he favors some people more than others . . . and I want to know why. Or are things actually just pretty random like it seems most the time. Thats what this whole thing is really about to me. One person commented that asking why will only drive you constantly crazy. So what am I supposed to do? To me, this goes to the very nature of God and I quite honestly do not want to believe in a God that plays favorites for no reason. I see people saying I have a sense of entitlement or that I expect that God should bless Christians, etc. Well… yes, and no. I believe it is in the book of Psalm that it says “Children are gift from the Lord”. Philippians 4:6 says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Psalm 37:4 says “Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart”. I don’t know. I am going all over the place again. Its hard for me to stay focused on this issue because my feelings are all wrapped up in it. I will say, I am very thankful for my son, and I certainly do enjoy him everyday. The joy that he gives me is certainly one reason that I desire to have another. I do not feel I am “owed” another child. I think everyone should be able to have as many children as they want and are able to care for. Speaking of that, I will quickly address another comment suggesting that if I can not afford treatment or adoption, I can not afford to raise another child. This is not true. The difference is money upfront to afford treatment/adoption vs. money made over a lifetime to raise a child. Again, I am all over the place, but I hope you are able to understand what I am generally trying to get at.
Hi Dear!
I’ll be frank, I am a one kid mom, and I love it. But that’s me. I’m sorry that you are going through this struggle. And you need to understand that this is exactly what it is. It’s not a punishment from anything. It’s a biological issue that people go through a lot. Why? Well, I think it could be artificial things we consume, but again….that’s me. These struggles are what it is to be human. It sucks. It hurts, and it sometimes royally pisses me off. And in those times, we get to turn to God and ask Him why. Then he usually tells us something through our thoughts, or scripture, and sometimes it’s just something in front of our face. Whatever it is, God’s voice isn’t going to tell you to get a grip like someone said earlier. It’s going to say “here’s my shoulder. Lean on me and trust me with your burden.”
Whether or not that faith in leaning on Him gives you a baby or not, I can’t answer that. What I do know is that the procedures you have done have not been in vain, and if you get the chance to try for treatment again, wonderful! But if God wants to open a door with other options, then just sit and listen for that voice. Maybe He’s seeing that you’re up to the challenge of something different! But it is NOT a punishment. Prayers for your journey to whatever God has in store for you!
I think God gives us these kind of struggles to soften our hearts. Don’t we say in church: “The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away?”
Think about it. If you had simply conceived three children without treatment, one right after the other, what kind of compassion could you have for an infertile friend? Very little, I’d imagine. It’s not that you’re a bad person, just that we as human beings find it hard to imagine things we’ve never experienced. But you’ve gotten the best of both worlds. You have indeed received a desire of your heart, but not without painful struggle, and you can reach out to others in your situation.
I don’t know, I’ve just found that I find myself paradoxically grateful for the struggles in my life. What you have separates you from the have-nots. But compassion builds bridges.
And I’m sorry if I was less than kind with my earlier comment. It was an angry reaction, but I need to be responsible for my feelings.
Hi, woman who wrote this. Thanks for coming out from behind John’s Wizard-of-Oz curtain and engaging commenters directly. I’m going to skip everyone else’s story. Clearly, this is an emotional issue for many of us. I’ll just share mine.
I’m an only daughter of an only daughter. Her parents were blue-collar, and she earned the money for her undergraduate degree herself. She waited until she was 36 to have me. I, too, want a child. I always have. I’m 38 now. I have no reason to think I can’t bear and raise a child later in life, like my mother. I should probably start with getting health insurance.
But your last comment, “I can not afford to raise another child. This is not true. The difference is money upfront to afford treatment/adoption vs. money made over a lifetime to raise a child,” bothers me. My parents were both educators. My mom taught alternative ed – first offenders, pregnant teenagers, potheads – when I was very young. There were no security guards; she and one other woman would demand guns and knives from kids and they’d hand them over. Many would consider that inappropriate exposure for nursery-school-age me, but for Mom it was just another day at the office.
My mother and father (he was a copy editor and journalism professor) worked two and three jobs for twenty years in order to pay for my education. It was important to them. It was their definition of how to raise a child properly. It meant I went to computer and piano and ballet lessons. I went away to performing arts camp by 7. I went to the gifted program at their alma mater every summer starting at 9. (Mom was a little worried I read The Autobiography of Malcolm X that early.) They were all cost-prohibitive for most families.
At 12, I made my first “adult” decision and insisted on going to a public high school. They were ready to pay for private school, and by “ready” I mean they had the tuition in their savings accounts and the research on their desks. They allowed me to overrule them because, as educators as well as parents, they trusted my reasoning ability. That public high school, brand new and dirt poor when I started, now has three Grammy awards and a Westboro Baptist Church protest to its credit. The friends I made there are second only to my parents in shaping who I am today.
From there, I went to Carnegie Mellon, arguably the best theatre conservatory in the country; Sarah Lawrence, a liberal arts college founded on the Oxford model and still the most expensive school in the country; and Oxford itself. My parents paid the tuition for all of them. They started with a financial plan before I was born. In 1996 dollars, when I graduated college, that meant $100K. Today, it would be $200K. Those schools would have been out of reach had I not been an only child. Schools like that are options I want to give my child.
I’m the first to admit education is not a panacea. My parents’ devotion to education before all else had drawbacks. I was a lonely latch-key kid. I still don’t play well with others. Most of my closest friends attended lesser universities and are far more successful than I. But, for my parents, raising someone who could think critically and appreciate the arts was paramount. They did it once. Whatever your personal priorities are, please don’t wait until later to figure out how you’re going to pay to raise your child(ren).
Just a general comment–not necessarily specific to your situation. One of the things I’ve been taught is that we are blessed to be a blessing. In other words, the blessings that we receive are meant to be shared with others. It isn’t that God likes some people better than others. It’s that God blesses specific people with the understanding that these people will bless others with their blessings. Like I say, this may not be pertinent to your situation, but it is what I have been taught.
I guess I just don’t understand why people have to keep having babies. In my opinion, there are too many already! http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Voluntary-Human-Extinction-Movement-VHEMT/158547474186448
I was there myself seven years trying to get pregnant. It is very painful. I can say now 20 years after starting the journey to becoming a mom I would that I would not change a thing. .! (maybe a memo from God telling me what was to come, although I probably would have tried to tweek the plan if I knew and Gods plan is always better than mine). We have 5 kids all adopted we did one private adoption which is pricey and the money from the organization we used went to charitable things as well as counceling for us and the birth mom etc… Our kids all Rock. We have been foster parents and that has been awesome and adoption through foster care was cost free. Our kids would not be who they are as well as me being the mom my kids need because of the Journey we had. Our life is way better than my plan was. We also have the gift of birth families in our lives. I can not explain what a joy it is to have this connection. I can’t speak for anyone else only myself and my life is awesome. Up down and all around sometimes. Today I am more than ok with not having biological children. I had to let go and let God. We are truly blessed!
Several years ago, before I made the final step to embracing my atheism, I was in throes of infertility. One of the worst things ever said to me during that time was “If god wants you to have a child, he will give you one”. The message I took from that was “Even god doesn’t think you would be a good mom”. Not very comforting. In any case, science stepped in and gave me two fantastic boys.
“One of the worst things ever said to me during that time was “If god wants you to have a child, he will give you one”.”
I’m so sorry someone said that to you. I’m not infertile (as far as I know- I haven’t tried yet and have never been married) but I have had a very debilitating chronic illness for almost 15 years now. I just turned 33, so that’s almost half my life. Before I got sick, I was a dancer and very sports oriented. Many people (other Christians) have said, “You’re just not praying hard enough”, “if you just believed enough”, “if you had enough faith”, and yes, “if God wants you to be well, he’ll heal you.” Those kinds of things are the worst things to say to someone who is suffering, physically or emotionally. I’m sure some people throw those things out there to move on to a more “happy” subject, but some I think really believe those things based on their experience and really ARE trying to help. Sometimes sitting in silence with someone who is suffering is better.
I am so happy that you had your two boys, though!
*sitting in silence with you Lissy*
Thank you, Jill!
“God” has nothing to do with infertility. Human biology is human biology. Period. Sometimes it “works” and sometimes it doesn’t – human biology isn’t “perfect”. Get a grip.
Even though you have different views than the woman who wrote this letter, callousness and rudeness is never called for.
I truly mean no disrespect, and I will concede immediately that my comment may come across as insensitive or lacking understanding, but I am a seemingly fertile woman that chooses not to have children (for reasons that are my own). I don’t have the experience of pregnancy hormones to empathize either, but I do have another side of the coin.
I found myself a bit incredulous—the comment was a trigger for me—at the statement that the letter writer does not have insurance or money to afford more treatments. My opinionated opinion is that perhaps then you don’t have enough resources to raise another child right now.
I know from whence I speak, raised in a poverty-stricken, single parent home with 2 siblings. It SUCKS having the fear of not knowing how your parent will make sure you have the necessities of life at age 6. Not making assumptions of your finances, just extrapolating from what you have said.
I don’t know what God is saying to you specifically in this situation, but there are other valid perspectives to take as to why pregnancy is not happening instead of being ‘God’s unfairness’. I’m merely suggesting that the space of gratitude for what you do have opens more doors to abundance and richness of life than does disappointment for what you feel you lack. I completely understand what it’s like to desperately desire things that you cannot seem to grasp. I truly wish you peace on your journey.
I’ve been there and the responses seem a bit harsh. I have two children, whom I thank God for every day. I loved being a Mom and wanted one more, but after 5 miscarriages I had to stop trying…it was the most painful time in my life. John, I disagree, you don’t know this pain unless you’ve been there, it’s not the same as empathizing with gay people or abused women. I really don’t think a man can completely understand, sorry, but you’ve never been pregnant, you’ve never nursed a baby, you don’t have the same hormones running through your body. The fact that she has one child does not make it any easier, it just makes it hard to reach out to the infertility support groups of people who don’t have even one child. She has all my sympathy.
Why is abuse and sexual orientation not a barrier to empathy, but gender-specific hormones somehow make it impossible?
my question exactly, Christine. i am not trying to be judgmental, just trying to wrap my brain around it.
good question, Christine. there’s a lot of entrenched sexism about parenthood/motherhood even among liberals, i’ve observed. i’m not commenting about the original post because i don’t feel like having my head bitten off.
Probably for the best John, since it’s tough being a woman in this conversation.
Almost off-topic, but not really:
Many years ago, my dad had his first heart attack and started his road to eventual death. For much of his life, he had been a hearty, healthy construction worker. Now all of a sudden, he couldn’t even eat his food without having it cut up for him. If he cut his own food, he no longer had the strength left to eat it. Keep in mind that all this was in the late sixties, early seventies, when notions of gender roles were even more entrenched than they are now. My dad had worked for a living since he was 11 years old. Now, he couldn’t work and was completely dependent on my mother. Can you imagine the humiliation? He used to say to my mom “I’m no longer a man.” My mom would say “What do you mean you’re no longer a man? You’ve had five kids–of course you’re a man.” But to my father, the fact that he couldn’t work for a living, couldn’t even cut his own food, meant that he was no longer a man.
For women (a lot of us, at least) the ability to have a baby is what it means to be a woman. This may be silly, but it’s how we feel. To then not be able to have a baby is devastating. A woman might find herself thinking or feeling “I’m no longer a woman,” or “I’m not really a woman,” just like my dad didn’t think he was a man anymore because he couldn’t work for a living.
I’m afraid I have very little sympathy for the letter writer. It’s as you said, John: While her pain is great, her sense of entitlement is high.
I’m sorry, this one touched a nerve. Maybe it’s just me thinking about all I will have to go through just to have and raise child of my own. I apologize If I’m more acidic than usual, and if I’m out of line just let me know.
Letter writer: You are where you are. They (other people) are where they are. Asking “Why?” constantly will only drive you crazy. Enjoy your son (I mean this kindly)–I’m sure he is a beautiful light in your life.
As an infertile woman who only ever managed to get pregnant once in years and years of trying and then lost the baby at 8 weeks, I completely agree with John.
Of course the desire to have a child is a deep desire as we are biologically programmed to want children. And there was a very painful time when I grieved for the children I couldn’t have. But my whole relationship with God is that he does not give me what I want just because I want it. And indeed, not everything that happens to me is in fact about me. God has a whole world he is taking care of and you may very well have a completely different purpose than giving birth.
Life is not fair. But that doesn’t mean that God has cursed or forsaken us. He has not forsaken the child with terminal cancer, he has not forsake the veteran missing both his legs, he has not forsaken the young woman with a brain aneurysm that paralyzed her whole body. And he certainly has not forsaken the infertile women in the world.
Of course a person doesn’t want to hear this. In the midst of the normal grieving process you do not want to hear that you should not feel what you feel. Because of course you should feel angry, depressed, and disappointed. These are justifiable and valid feelings and you will never get to the point of acceptance without going through them. But at some point you must get to acceptance, and then open your heart to hear what God wants from you.
I’m really curious about all the comments about the high cost of adoption there. I found that very surprising. Is this just the result of paying for medical care for the mother? (I’m from Canada where the government provides healthcare) Or are there actually large fees associated with adoption there? I have an adopted niece. My brother and his wife adopted her internationally, which of course was rather pricey, but they could afford it and did so to circumvent the ridiculously long wait list to adopt an infant or toddler locally. There were no large fees associated with a local adoption but the wait list was another matter standing at I believe 12 years when they looked into it versus start to finish of the process for the international adoption being about 2 years.
I’ve been told by friends that the usual cost is about 40k. That’s for international. If you want a domestic white baby, it ain’t happening, but you can adopt a domestic black or mixed race baby for about the same.
A. Wildly disturbed at race being a determinent for how much babies cost.
B. Wildly disturbed that babies “cost” anything.
C. 40k+?? Whose actually making money off this?
D. You’re just talking babies, right? All those kids in foster care aren’t waiting for propestive parents to first raise essentially their annual income, right?
There are grants available to adopt foster care kids. It’s as close to free as you can get.
The adoption agencies are making a disgustingly large amount of money. Particularly internationally. If you think some poor Chinese woman isn’t being pressured to give up her child by the agency making a fortune, you’re in a fantasy land.
Foster care is its own thing. Generally they pay you. But becoming a foster parent with the intention of adopting is not a good idea. Foster children generally have parents, and the child is not yours to keep.
There are many foster kids without parents who are waiting to be adopted. Google the Dave Thomas Foundation for more info.
Yeah, but you did mean adoption within the US, right? It is just a free-for-all there on private adoption? Is adoption big business within the US? (Not that that should surprise me, I suppose… but selling babies does seem a new low.)
And can’t people adopt older kids in the system? I mean, without fostering, just adopting?
They can, and sometimes do. But generally foster parents are offered first crack at adoption when the CYS agency (or DSS, or DYFS, or whatever it’s called where you are) finally goes for termination of the parents’ rights–Allie is correct that this is considered under the law a last resort. I kind of object to the suggestion that people shouldn’t foster because it doesn’t always result in adoption, though. Isn’t that putting the selfish desire to “be a parent” over the more Christian end of providing unconditional love to a child in need?
Yes, it is selfish to refuse to foster because it doesn’t always result in adoption, but for some people, it’s just too painful to have a child come into their lives, fall in love with that child and then have that child go back to biological parents who may or may not have resolved the issues that lead to the child being put into the foster care system in the first place.
You can’t be serious? That has to be like a black market fee? I can’t see how $40K for adopting children can possibly be any thing other than buying babies. It cost my brother and his wife all of about $10K to adopt from Thailand and that included the roughly $6K they spent on airfare. Since that time the Thai government has gone the route of other international adoption destinations and added a government fee to the cost (I think it’s around $8K, which is sad considering the number of children in orphanages in Thailand and the pretty much non-existent rate of local adoption) but even with that added fee it would still be less than half the cost of what you are telling me someone has to pay to adopt a somehow less desirable baby within the US. (I can’t express how disturbing I find the concept that a black or mixed-race baby would be less desirable in the first place, much less that a monetary amount could be put on how much less desirable.)
Dear Letter Writer,
I had one bio kid, at great expense to my health. After his birth, for various long and complicated reasons, I am left with a chronic illness and I could not have any more children.
To be honest, the loss of being able to have another bio kid was a non-issue for me. I was so grateful just to have one healthy child, when I knew many other women will never be able to do so. And I was thankful that I was alive, and he was healthy, as my underlying illness could have really messed up both of us.
In regard to Allie’s comment, it certainly can happen that one can adopt a healthy baby of any race. Now-ex husband and I adopted our second child domestically. We did an independent adoption. We put ads in papers all over the country. This by far was the most expensive part of the adoption. It took around 9 months of advertising until we found our son’s birthmother, and she found us. We started at $500 a month for advertising, and as the months went by, we increased the amount to $1000 per month.
If we were crazy rich, we could have spend any amount of money per month. If we spent $15,000 on the first month, it is quite possible that we might have found a birthmother who wanted to make an adoption plan. The more you can spend on advertising, the faster you can find a birthmother who wants to make an adoption plan for her unborn child. On the other hand, if one is very lucky, one might find a potential birth mother in the first month of advertising.
Our lawyer guided us through the process. Lawyer’s fees for adoption are capped in NY and at the time, I recall his fee was about $5000.
We were instructed that under no circumstances were we to give any money, or pay for any expenses for the potential birthmother. There is a way to legally pay for some of the potential birthmother’s expenses, but everything must go through the lawyer so it is all legal. We were not in the position to pay birthmother expenses, so if that had been the case, this would not have been the baby for us.
In our case, the potential birthmother was adamant that she not receive any monetary help from us. She never wanted her child to think that she “sold” him, even though we told her that any funds we provided would be for her living expenses and the like, and that they had to go through the lawyer.
All of her medical costs were covered by the state she lives in.
She chose her own lawyer to represent her, and we paid his fee. We never spoke to him. I think his fee was about $2000.
Other expenses included a trip across the country to meet potential birth mom and birth dad. We offered to visit them, in order that they could be even more comfortable with the choice of adoptive parents. Frankly, the four of us got along very well. LOL. Talk about a strange dinner – potential birth mom and birth dad, potential adoptive mom and adoptive dad, and baby-in-the-belly, for whom we were all there.
The final adoption related expenses were for our flight and hotel when we went to meet our son. As it turned out, he spent 11 days in the NICU, so I had to stay at the hospital while my husband went back to care for our other son. One could search for a potential birthmom locally if travel expenses were out of the question.
I don’t recall, but either her state or our health insurance paid for the baby’s NICU fees.
The birthmother could not sign away her parental rights until 72 hours after the baby was born. Unfortunately, she was also still in the hospital, in the ICU, due to problems with the birth. Her lawyer came to her room and went over the long and detailed forms regarding permanent relinquishment of her parental rights. She was under no pressure to sign, and her lawyer was there to make her aware of all her rights, including her right to petition the court to have the child returned to her if she changed her mind about parenting within the first thirty days.
Not that the baby would be returned to her, it simply allows her to hire a lawyer to petition the court to re-establish her parental rights. It was a nerve wracking thirty days, even though, in the end, if she contacted us and told us she wanted to parent, we would have willingly returned the baby to her – he is her birth child after all, and was are not in the habit of taking babies that have parents who are capable and desire to parent.
In the end, she has turned out to be the best birth-mom we could expect for our son. She only wants the best for him. She loves him, but she did not want to parent him. And now, she and I have friended each other on Facebook. LOL I never thought that would be the case. We are cordial and very loving towards each other. I know that she is so happy that we are the parents, and we are so happy to have our wonderful son, who can someday meet his birthmom.
That is my experience. It was stressful. But frankly, not as stressful as my high risk pregnancy and horrifically long and painful labor and delivery.
Susan in NY
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m glad it worked out so well for you and your family.
I think that sounds like the best possible way to adopt a child. I know that social workers and adoption agencies can put a lot of pressure on unwed mothers into giving up their babies, so advertising to let the birthmom contact you and having an open adoption sounds like a way of avoiding a lot of the potential for exploitation.
i have always maintained that if people who are SO vehemently opposed to abortion would expend even a tenth of the energy they expend fighting abortion rights towards finding “forever homes” for the countless children languishing in often sub-standard foster homes, their opinions would be FAR more credible.
There is good reason, after all, for the countless masses to view the stereotypical Republican/Tea Party platform as “love the blastocyst/embryo/fetus; Couldn’t care less about the child after it’s born”.
i wholly agree that the adoption process in the States is depressingly expensive and cumbersome. However, if you don’t like how the system works, the logical choice is to work towards improving the process – making it less expensive, less difficult to navigate, etc.
thankyouthankyouthankyou Jesse.
Amen to this!
Nicely stated, Jesse.
Perhaps it isn’t true as the Hebrew Bible suggests that God opens and closes wombs. Perhaps that was 1) only some wombs, or 2) in the absence of much information about conception, their closest approximation to science. (We don’t accept other such explanations; no one puts spotted rods in the stream where the pregnant sheep drink in order to make spotted lambs any more.) Perhaps there are all kinds of reasons having to do with God’s world’s being allowed to be itself that mean not everyone who wants a baby gets one and not everyone who gets a baby wants one. Rather than focusing on what God has not given, it makes sense to look around the world and ask what God is calling you to do; including, yes, adopting children or teaching them or perhaps even doing research into the causes and cures of infertility.
Fertility is not just in your ovaries–it’s in your heart and mind. There is so much that can be brought to fruition in one’s life that is as important as becoming a parent. If you continue to obsess about what you don’t have, you’ll miss everything you could have.
My husband and I tried for more than 2 years to conceive before success. I had a textbook pregnancy and gave birth to my wonderful son 16 1/2 years ago. We could not have been more thrilled. He is truly a blessing and 2 years later we decided we were ready to start trying again. In the next few years I suffered a total of 5 miscarriages. I prayed and begged God to send me another child to love over and over again. Each time I miscarried I was devastated and on occasion angry with God. People would say hurtful things meaning to help. These things included: “At least you have your son,” “God knew there was something wrong with that one,” and “at least you didn’t have to hold it and lose it.” All of these were the wrong words. I am blessed with my son; but, he isn’t the child I hoped for and lost. God gives blessings, He does not take them away. The people that intimated that are well meaning; but, at a vulnerable time it turns blame/anger toward God at a time when He is needed the most. As to the last, I held those children in my heart and it was a real loss. Infertility is a difficult and heartbreaking thing with which to deal. It is difficult to want with all of your heart a child and not have one of your own to love. Adoption was not an option for me and my husband and neither was more expensive fertility treatments since we are a family of modest means. I continued to pray for God to give another child. He answered our prayers; but, not in the way I expected. I have a cousin who has issues with substance abuse and she had a baby girl that she neglected and did not want. The state removed the girl from my cousin’s home and my husband and I stepped forward to care for her. My daughter was 18 months old when she came to live with us. In many ways her delivery was more painful and difficult than a physical birth; but, she is a gift from God we adore. Our daughter was traumatized from extreme neglect and mistreatment. She had development issues from the neglect; but, was spared the other issues that could have resulted from my cousin’s habits. Our daughter needed a family who loved her and we wanted more than anything another child to love. My son from the time he could talk would ask for a little sister and now he has one that thinks he is the greatest. God answered our prayers and if you have faith He will your prayers as well. Maybe not in the way you want or expect; but, it will happen. It maybe His plan for you is something different than caring for a child of your own; however, if you keep yourself open to His plan you will find your fulfillment. Our pain does not come from God. He will bring peace, healing and blessings to you.
Obviously I meant another child of your own.
Lana, that is a beautiful story. Thank you so much for sharing it. People say really stupid things to suffering people. Perhaps the best response is to hold hands and weep together.
You know…Hannah thought the same thing, I’m sure…and then God gave her Samuel, and he went on to become one of the most important Old Testament judges. Except Hannah waited much longer than 3 years… and look at Sarah. She was in her 90′s before she finally had Isaac, her firstborn – and look what came of that. God can use and has used women with fertility issues to accomplish great things.
I’m having a problem with the writer’s reasoning about why she should be granted her desires. It seems to be centered around believing that God should give “deserving” people (i.e. Christians) what they ask for; non-deserving people (i.e. drug addicts) should not get those things instead. It features God as a benevolent but capricious Santa Claus.
Obviously the writer is in real pain over this – a particular pain I am not capable of sharing because I’ve never wanted children, not ever. But I have wanted things very, very badly that I didn’t get, things that simply were not going to happen. It was heartbreaking to lose people in my life, to have people treat me badly, to be at the center of horrible situations I strongly felt I did not deserve.
Those miseries and losses were emotionally crippling at the time. But eventually time passes – because it always does – and for better or worse, I learned to accept what happened. I stopped wanting those things because it was utterly pointless to continue to want it. Eventually I was able to start facing life beyond those things I had wanted. I’m not going to say, “And everything is just great now!” There are losses that are still profound, people who cannot be replaced, feelings damaged severely that are still somewhat raw.
But I see now the things that were allowed to happen that would never have had a chance without those terrible times behind me. I won’t say I look back on the worst pits of depression and sadness fondly, or with a wry shake of my head. I do keep moving forward, though; focusing on “Why was he so mean? Why did she have to die? How could they have done that to me?” is continuing to dig the same hole over and over again.
Is it possible that God did not want her to be infertile? I mean, people have all kinds of terrible diseases and disabilities and it is not because God wanted them to have them. I think there is a chance that as humans, we have created an environment where things go wrong and people have physical issues that really suck. I think that Gods heart is breaking for her. I think that God knows her pain and is not inflicting it on her for some reason that has yet to be seen.
Yes, maybe God hopes she can find fulfillment in adoption or working with other peoples kids, etc… but it would be pretty shitty of him to break her heart, over and over again, on purpose, just to have someone who will volunteer with the youth group.
It is okay to be heartbroken. It is okay to want your own children. I do not think she should be made to feel guilty for these feeling because we all think she should just go adopt.
But, lady who wrote this letter, I think that God is holding on to you, with both hands and will never let go. I think he feels your tears and is sorry that your body is not cooperating. It seems easy to think that if God loves you, he would just give you a baby. But it doesn’t work like that. We are never promised that things will go easily for us. In fact, I think the Bible says that things are going to be pretty tough. What we are promised is that God will not leave us. God loves us and even in our sorrow, is always there. No matter what.
I hope you are able to have another child. I also hope, that if that does not happen, that you are able to take solace in God and know that he cares.
No, I don’t think that God would MAKE a person infertile so they can do just about anything else. But if the circumstances of their life is that they are infertile (in my case it’s my husband who is infertile, due to some past misbehavior on his part, most likely), God can work in that situation to bring about good. I don’t believe that we’re infertile so that I can work with others’ kids. But I think that the good of the situation is that I’m able to do that work because we don’t have kids of our own, so it’s God bringing some good out of something that was heartbreaking.
Thanks, John, for your response. Though, I admit that when I was struggling with infertility the first time, I would have hated someone like me now complaining about not being able to have a second child.. all I can say to that is the grass is always greener on the other side, until you get to the other side and you realize it isnt! Anyway, I guess I didn’t really clearly communicate my feelings in the letter. They are very deep feelings, and they are hard to express. First, I will say, I would love to adopt, but as one person has already commented, it is ridiculously expensive, and I can not afford it. As far as my logic about God’s fairness, I see your point. However, there still seems to be no standard for how he blesses people. I mean, some people are clearly blessed more than others and it seems pretty random to me. I know that I might have great rewards in store for me in heaven, but that is not what I am talking about. Here, now, on Earth, there is such disparity. I don’t just mean in how many children God blesses you with. I mean in everything. I guess almost everyone struggles with something, and my struggle in infertility. I don’t understand how an all loving God can allow His children to hurt so much. Repeatedly. I know I am all over the place with this. Again, this runs very deep for me, but hopefully this clarifies somewhat.
You can adopt through the Dave Thomas Foundation. It’s not free, but it’s about as close as one can get.
As I said in response to someone else’s comment, I’m not infertile (as far as I know) but I have had a very debilitating illness (I’m basically housebound) for almost half my life. After living life as a dancer and very active person. I understand your “why”s. It is gut-wrenching. Perhaps the best comment I’ve read here is “It is okay to be heartbroken. It is okay to want your own children. I do not think she should be made to feel guilty for these feeling because we all think she should just go adopt.” It seems again that some people commenting here are telling you not to feel the way you’re feeling. That’s insulting. Like you, I know all the Christian “answers” and advice. And the non-Christian “answers” and advice. Not every day is horrible. I am blessed in many ways as you are. But on THOSE days (you know the ones I mean), nothing makes sense. There’s a grief and emptiness that won’t go away, even on the good days. I don’t have the words to make you feel better. I wish I did. So I will send you an internet hug and say your suffering is real.
Lissy – THANK YOU and hugs back to you!
Uh oh… John, I think I have read why you do not have children. Can I suggest that since this was not so much a choice you made as a result of the way you are / the childhood you had, that…umm… you do not know what this dear lady is going through.
Sorry. I think highly of you, but…
Being a childless adult whose body, mind and soul is screaming for the fulfillment of a child (first or second) probably is not so very different to being a completely closeted person who is screaming on the inside for an authentic life.
I have been over 35, childless and MISERABLE about it. Like cold, hunger, homesickness and sexuality, there is no fulfillment or alternative to the one you crave.
The prayer of the infertile? Not so different to the prayer of the-still-believing-it-can-be-fixed closeted gay: “Dear God, please cure me of this desire or TAKE IT AWAY”. And as with the struggling gay, that desire is strong and it is not going away.
Adoption is outof reach for many because of the cost – thousands of dollars and an emotional rollercoaster.
This lady cannot choose or control her feelings.
You know what made mine better? A baby. And then another baby.
yes! You nailed in on the head! Thanks so much for this! If nothing else, I feel less alone in my feelings, and extremely validated!
I don’t think not getting it is specific to John. (I don’t know specifically what you are referring to re: why John doesn’t have kids, but…) There are plenty of people of want kids and have every reason to want kids who are perfectly satisfied with adopted children only or only one biological child. I’m not saying it means the letter writer should be, too, but the idea that John doesn’t understand her because he’s messed up or something seems really weird.
I am a woman, likely fertile (though not in a fertile couple), of child-bearing age who wants and plans to have children. The not-fertile-couple part will mean it’s more difficult and complicated to get pregnant, but I plan to. Once. And when we want more, we’ll adopt. I do want the experience of being pregnant, of giving birth, and passing on my genes, of my kid looking like me. But once will give me that experience. The desire to have a big family can be achieved just as well by giving children in need a home. And I will find my adopted kids to be no less mine and no less fulfilling, I am sure.
I feel all these things, and I don’t get the letter-writer’s sorrow either. My thoughts were almost exactly like John’s words. My first instinct was it was terrible to lose the experience pf pregnancy, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have children by adopting. And then “So you did get pregnant? And do have a biological child? So, not totally infertile, then?”
Don’t misunderstand. I can read the deep pain and distress from the woman who wrote. I’m totally convinced the pain is real. But I also completely don’t understand. It isn’t just John. So many bad things happen to good people – infertility isn’t God’s judgement. Indeed, there is such disparity in the world. And to me, someone being blessed with one biological child doesn’t seem to be on the wrong side of that disparity.
Christine, I think what you and John are missing here is that it’s an instinctive, physical, hormonal part of the human experience. Saying that one child will give you the experience is like saying that you plan to have sex once, and then when you know what it’s like, you won’t bother a second time. Some women just really, really like being pregnant and having babies and being mothers of young children (which also hits you with hormones that don’t happen to mothers of older children.) There’s beginning to be some evidence that women who really like maternity are physically and mentally different from women who don’t.
The thing is, we’re still dealing with that mess Victorian glorification of motherhood left us. There’s nothing inherently noble or wonderful or god-sent about that instinct. It’s an instinct. I’ve known a drug addicted prostitute child abuser who really, really loved being a mother and would fight to the death to keep her children. The instinct towards motherhood is no more, and no less, sacred than any other human instinct.
First, I’m really not missing it altogether. I talked about my own desires to have my own biological child because i want to put it out there that I do feel instinctive desire. No doubt.
What I hear you saying is that there are some people (the small minority, apparently, given birth rates) of people who feel they need to be pregnant or have small children essentially all the time. Or that having children if never enough and they need to keep having children. That, I do not understand. I expect that my desire be pregnant and have children will, like for most people, be fulfilled by getting pregnant and having children. What you seem to be saying is that this women might just be wired differently than most other people (which would make more sense to me). I reiterate that this doesn’t seem to be about John.
The idea of having only one child being like only having sex once is absurd. You might have a talented partner between the sheets, but it only lasts so long. Having a child is (hopefully) for the rest of your life.
AG and Allie: I don’t think I’m “missing” anything at all. First, the yearning to have children is a phenomenon hardly exclusive to women. Second, if it’s true that one can’t comprehend the emotional dynamics at play in a situation unless one has personally experienced that very situation, then … well, then I should stop writing about gay people and abused women, for starters.
Well, yes, that. I think I got side-tracked by having the first response to me saying I want my own biological kid being that I just have no mothering instinct and so can’t understand what it’s like to want two biological children. (!) It was a touch insulting.
Can’t really help it that you got insulted. You said that once will give you the experience of being pregnant and giving birth. I stand by my statement that saying that indicates that you don’t understand what you’re talking about. No one said anything about your instinct or lack of it. I also don’t think John understands what he’s talking about, since there are very few men who feel a desperate need to be pregnant and give birth.
Allie: Really? You’re sticking with the desire of a woman to give birth is so unfathomable to men that it automatically renders invalid anything a man might have to say concerning that desire? Then it follows that you must also hold that men have at least one special yearning so unique to men that anything a woman says about it can only be an expression of ignorance–even though that desire defines men as much as the desire to give birth defines women. Right? Or in your book do women have that much more insight into the male psychology than men can ever hope to have into women’s? Surely you don’t think the two halves of our species so unevenly matched.
I’m a straight man who loves children. What is it at work in my mind and soul that is so inaccessible to you–so absolutely foreign to anything in your experience–that you can’t even begin to comprehend it, much less comment intelligently upon it?
Allie, I agree. Given the level of sensivity usually shown by commenters here I’m pretty shocked by the lack of empathy being shown to this writer.. you don’t have to have to have had the experience to show empathy but many of the comments do seem to demonstrate a lack of understanding.
To say that those here who may be offering another side of the story are wholly lacking understanding is to say that none of us here have been children, have wanted to be parents, have wanted to have better, more loving parents– to want out of life the most basic human needs to feel fulfilled. I must object.
I have my own personal struggle and life-altering need for change, and God has not brought me that specific blessing ever. Not once. I’ve been praying for it since I was maybe 9 years old, and I’m reaching 40.
I have blamed God for it–that was what my agnostic stint during my twenties was about. I did the right godly things, found out I didn’t earn the treatment I received as a child, and still I couldn’t get God’s attention for the emptiness that dogged my heels every day.
I no longer point toward anyone for the important things I lack. I do my best to appreciate what is, and I live around what isn’t.
Since then other blessings have occurred in my life instead, and no, these have not taken away the overwhelming craving for what I’m still chatting to God about– but I have been helped to find the abundance in what I do have and understand my time table may not be the same as God’s.
We human beings all share the need for personally important needs to be filled. It’s a tough pill for me to swallow the notion that God parses out blessings based on what some of the talk has been about ‘fair and just’. What exactly about life is promised to us to be fair? That doesn’t mean that God isn’t noticing…and caring…and holding us up through our pain.
“Since then other blessings have occurred in my life instead, and no, these have not taken away the overwhelming craving for what I’m still chatting to God about– but I have been helped to find the abundance in what I do have and understand my time table may not be the same as God’s.”
Perhaps the letter-writer is not at a point where acceptance is. I’m sure she finds joy in her child and at other things, but if the grief process, you have to get to a certain point where you can accept and move on. For some people (not that they are better or worse, or their situation is better or worse than others) the process takes longer.
Agreed. If anything, my awkwardly written comment was intended to differentiate between an assumption that only a select handful of women have empathy to this challenge and all the rest of us who are also asked to shoulder a burden we would never have chosen for ourselves. This inherently didn’t need to become an ‘us’ and ‘them’ dialog.
It is hoped that the compassion found in John’s post and in my comments and others were not completely lost by a difference of direction.
That’s my thought as well.
Jill- There is one thing that I do dislike about the internet- you cannot see facial expressions, hear tones, or feel the energy of those you are speaking with. This (at least for me) has caused many misunderstandings, and because writing requires words, we have to choose the right ones to convey our feelings. A difficult task when sometimes we can’t think of the words or a situation defies words. When this happens, if we can keep our cools and keep talking, a lot of things can be worked out as I see things happening here. Sometimes there’s just no substitute for a good hug!
I think you’ve inflated your emphathy with the letter-writer into something existential or universal when it isn’t. The seemingly common experience is for people’s desire to have children (men or women’s) being fulfilled by actually having them. John and I and other not getting it is not something deficient in us, nor does this mean emphathy would be impossible. Instead, I am trying to understand the condition you are describing, which you admit is something uncommon and specific to women who seem, by your description, to have an addiction-like desire to be pregnant or care for infants. I’m not disputing whether this is real or valid. I do dispute your claim that emphathy or understanding from anyone not experiencing this exact (minority) condition is invalid.
Whoops… That comment was from me.
Ok, so another guy (and a gay guy at that) jumping in here could be less than wise. I can’t talk about your feelings, but I can say I’m bothered by the response that “this is like a gay person still in the closet asking the pain to be taken away.” And I have a problem for this reason–your infertility is a medical problem–quantifiable and treatable and the like, and my being gay is not a problem.
I also find that emotions are controllable in a real way, but over a long period. It is a matter of perspective.
And I guess I don’t know how anyone would blame God for this. Even if it is God doing the denying, and I doubt that directly, but if it is, there is a reason. Why can’t you volunteer at a shelter that serves women and children? What other gifts do you have that you might exercise? How has only having the one child, and struggling over it, made you a better mother? Also, adoption through foster care liscensing, depending upon where you live, can actually result in net positive income to you depending on where you live (I have an aunt who has adopted 15 special needs or troubled kids over the years and is working on numbers 16 and 17 through the foster care system in Arizona).
The pain has to be real–I know already that I want to be a father and that I’ll have to make the money to adopt. I’m glad I have this clarity, and I’m sorry that you have the difficulty. I just don’t want these two things equated directly. You and those like you are in my prayers.
Tim,
Good questions. Let me see if I can explain better what I meant… When an adult has a growing desire to have a child of their own, or a child by adoption, that growing desire is not a choice. It comes form within some people and it does not come from within other people. The ‘not a choice’ to be a person who yearns deeply for children VS a person who does not year is the bit I was trying to equate to ‘not a choice’ of being gay. It’s the desire of the heart I was equating.
And fertility is not always fixable. Even if you are deeply rich, spending tens of thousands of dollars on IF treatments does not guarantee a baby at the end. I am not trying to equate the issue (infertility VS gay) I am trying to equate the emotions and the inability to control and deny and oppress the emotions. The infertile and yearning person (as opposed to childless and happy) feels that their only authentic life is parenting. Teaching / caring for other peoples kids does not fill that gap.
In my opinion, saying to an infertile and yearning person ‘Oh, deal with it! Fill your life with something else’ is not so different to saying to the gay person “Oh deal with it – be celibate or get into a mixed orientation marriage!’ Both sets of people – the gay and the infertile – know in their hearts what they really want and need and nothing else is going to fill that gap.
So… if you are infertile, why not adopt? A lot of people would, if they could. But there are a lot fewer babies available than couples waiting. And at what point does the infertile person let it go? When to take yourself off the calendar of trying and on to the waiting list of adoption? And – yes – the next question might be “So why not take an older child out of foster care?” Back to the heart… if the heart is yearning for an infant, an older child is not what is being yearned for.
My experience with the other big losses in life is that they were more absolute. You lose a person when they die or leave you. But when do you accept that you will not get that baby? At 25, 30, 35, 40? After1,2,5 years of trying? One thing that makes it harder is that there is always hope, always next month. Always hope, followed by despair, followed by hope…
No AG, generally ALL people have a desire to be in an intimate, romantic relationship, just like most people have a desire to have children.
Being gay doesn’t in the slightest bit make that desire less or greater. Being gay is no comparison to infertility.
Much less, being in the closet is *absolutely NO* comparison because being in the closet is about having to hide. When this woman is afraid for her job or housing or safety because she merely admitted she wanted kids, then we can talk comparison. Not before. She isn’t being told that her desire for children is inherently sinful and she will go to hell if she manages to conceive,
You could compare infertility to unrequited love/wanting to find a spouse. These things are both about that emotional yearning you describe – for gay and straight. (But again, this woman has a child… so maybe it’s more like to the widow/er who can’t find a new spouse.) Being in the closet or being gay is not about that at all.
Christine, Agree totally. “ALL people have a desire to be in an intimate, romantic relationship, ”
My comparison was between the yearning infertile person being told. “Get over it – take a substitute or put it behind you” and the yearning gay teenager in an oppressive home/church being told “Get over it. This is NOT what you want. There are other things that will make you happy.”
I did not intend to compare infertility to out and proud, emotionally healthy and self respecting adults. I was trying to draw a parallel between the yearning infertile heart and the fragile not-yet-self-accepting heart of a gay person self-denying because of their religion. Neither will just get over it.
Thanks, AG. Again, though, it becomes a very narrow, ineffective comparison. It is comparing the rudeness of telling an infertile woman and a gay teenager to just get over it.
But in the first case, you mean to describe the yearning and inability to have a child – not the insensitivity that comes with it.
And for the gay teenager, people saying to get over it would be only one of such a (potential) myriad of debilitating problems, especially if they can’t accept themselves – none of which compare to the experience of infertility.
I think the analogy losses the exact thing it is trying to compare.
With agreement that the comparison is troublesome and inappropriet, AG appears to be comparing situations transformed from “curse” into “blessing” with acceptance. Paradoxically, it is often our full submission to suffering that ends our perception of it as such.
I can’t understand that for sure. I guess I would respond that no situation is absolute. There are always differences between people.
I guess it is hard to quantify such things. Biology probably isn’t everything about it, but then again, the anti-gay stuff is the same in many ways. It is also my experience via family and friends that you are right that babies are more rare and in more demand than older children.
I for one can’t stand infants/toddlers. I raised a younger sister to 8 because my Dad and Grandparents were ill and/or neglectful. I’m lucky to not have done her some harm by 5. After that, I had a bit of a blast.
I guess I just don’t know what to make of the comparison. It makes more sense now, but I’ll have to digest it to be sure of the parallel.
AG, again you have explained so well things that I feel and so often think about. People often tell me that I just need to move on with life. I would LOVE to know how to do that. How do I turn off that constant desire? As you said, there is no absolute to it. Hope is always there every month, no matter how hard I try not to think about it.
It is especially hard when I see my friends and family with their children. It seems all of them have at least 2 children, several with 3 or more. They are well meaning I am sure, but it hurts when they say, “so when are you going to have another?” or “what are you waiting for? you dont want your son to be an only child do you? you know what they say about only children!” and various other hurtful things.
At any rate, I don’t expect people who havent experienced it to understand. Its just one of those things that I don’t think you can “get” otherwise.
In some way, I understand the urge to say people just can’t get it unless they experience it. We need to absolutely give primacy to people’s actual experiences of what they go through. But, when those experiences can’t be explained, when “you haven’t been there” starts to come in lieu of an explanation, if just feels like a cop-out.
But you don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you feel the way you do. You aren’t asking anything of us. So, if you’re satisfied that some of us just don’t get it, then so am I.
Speaking from what relevant experience I have, writer, you move on by putting one foot in front of the other. You never forget, you never “get over it”, but you grow and move past it.
One could say the same thing about many other things–I’m 26 and almost all of my friends are engaged or married. Being a gay guy in Western Kansas, I really have no options, and I kind of have to complete this Masters before I move anywhere. Do I want someone, with much the same intensity? You bet I do, but each day I simply have to say to myself “not at this moment, when it is time, if it is ever time, my preparation and work on myself will pay off.” But even with the hope, you do have to resign yourself to the fact that it may never happen.
As to your “friends and family” they are no friends and family if they are so insensitive when you have told them, or if you are too worried to confide in them. I assume you don’t run in rich circles, so your friends and fam probably wouldn’t pony up the $40k to make the adoption happen and all, but you would think they’d be more loving/understanding and ensure that if your son is the only child, he has plenty of friends/family who understand and is never alone. Just saying.
A couple of thoughts:
Regarding moving on with life: what if you were to deliberately set aside a certain amount of time each day in which you gave yourself permission to do nothing but think about how much it sucks that you are probably not going to get pregnant again–say no less than 15to min., no more than an hour. At the end of the allotted time, you deliberately put those feelings back into their metaphorical box, knowing that you can come back and think about them again tomorrow. When those feelings and thoughts come up at other times of the day, you can write them down and say to yourself “I will think about this during my mourning time later.”In this way, you’ll be giving time and space to your feelings without allowing them to dominate your life.
Part 2: regarding those people who keep making insensitive remarks about how you should hurry up and have another child–have you leveled with them about your infertility issues? If you have, and they’re still making these kinds of insensitive remarks, it’s time to jettison them–for they are not good for your emotional and mental health.
Diana A, b0th comments are beautiful.
Thanks Jill!
“But when do you accept that you will not get that baby? At 25, 30, 35, 40? After1,2,5 years of trying? One thing that makes it harder is that there is always hope, always next month. Always hope, followed by despair, followed by hope…”
Yeah, I can see that. To my knowledge, I am fertile but I have refrained from having children because I am both unwealthy and unmarried. Now I am in my mid-forties and even if I do get married and/or get a decent income, I’m not sure it would be in the best interests of any child who might result for me to get pregnant.
I’m most okay with this. I’ve come to terms with the fact that having a baby just may not be in the cards for me. But when I see other women having babies, I admit to feeling jealous.
I left the “ly” off of “mostly.” Grrrrrrr!
I’m not sure it would be in the best interests of my child, either. I’m mostly okay with it. I love my friends’ babies with my whole heart. I’ve accepted that may be as close as I get to my own. It was a long grieving process.
Yes, there is that empty space that doesn’t completely fill. I do get that. And I don’t know what is the secret, the magic to alleviating the constant longing for something we cannot seem to grasp. If I ever do, I will be sure to share it.
As the adopted child of infertile parents…
I wonder what God is protecting you from, or trying to offer you, not what he is punishing you for.
I have struggled with fertility also. It is an extremely hard road. My first pregnancy, after a long time and fertility treatments, was a boy/girl twin pregnancy. I thought I had hit the fertility jackpot. Then we lost our son to stillbirth at 36 weeks. Our daughter was born healthy. What a struggle that was (and still can be 9 years later). I have been blessed with two other living children after surgeries and further fertility treatments…..none of it has come easily. But here I am with three beautiful living children and a beloved son in heaven.
Through my struggles I have chosen to draw closer to God. It hasn’t always been easy. Relationships take work and they are about making choices. God has been an amazing source of strength for me. I wish the same for this woman and anyone who longs to become a parent. Lean on God. You have my prayers and good wishes.
My response pretty much echoes #2 of John’s response. There are thousands of children out there who need and deserve a loving stable home. If my life were stable and I had the space, even being single, I’d adopt (an older child, not a baby) in a heartbeat. I’m one of those “weirdos” who has chosen to not reproduce. I’m at the upper edge of my childbearing years and I’m totally happy with my choice. I know many women want lots of children. Take a good look at the children out there who need homes. You could provide a wonderful home to one or even two of them. So many siblings get split up in foster care or adoptions, so if you can afford it, take a couple siblings… give them a chance to grow up together.
There’s my two cents…
As someone who plans to adopt, I have to put it out there that adoption is not cheap. If they have no money to spend on infertility treatments, they may not have the money needed to adopt, either.
I see a lot of people saying this. I don’t live where you do. Can you explain why it is so expensive?
The cost of an adoption varies based on a variety of factors such as where you live, what type of adoption (private, public, etc.), and often the age, gender, race, and location of the child. For example, newborn adoptions are generally much more expensive than older children, and international adoptions generally cost the most. In the US, the range is $0-$40,000+, with an average private adoption costing around $10,000.
Up to $40,000 *within* the US? What exactly are you paying for?
But I *do* notice that the price starts a $0. So it is possible to adopt without the price tag?
friends of mine tried to adopt foster children and had their hearts broken…twice they were told a child was available to adopt and then the decision was reversed and the child was given to relatives (once after the child had lived with them for 1 1/2 years). This is the way they could afford to go through adoption, but it never worked out for them.
Can you not adopt kids in the system without fostering?
I think it is very unusual to adopt newborns without fostering. Parental rights have to be terminated before the child is free for adoption. And I don’t think it is usual for parental rights to be terminated at the time of the baby’s birth.
I know people who have adopted from foster care, and yes, their hearts were broken through the process. But your heart can be broken in all sorts of terrible ways when it comes to babies.
Susan in NY
Oh, one other thing. The phrase “child of your own” grates on me. The more PC terms are biological child and adopted child.
Potential birth mothers “choose to make an adoption plan” or “choose to parent”. It really is not nice to say that they “gave up” the baby or “put up” the baby for adoption.
Both adoptive parents and birth parents are real parents. My adopted son is a child of my own, as is my bio son.
Thanks for reading.
Susan in NY
My son and his wife struggled (as did the whole family) with infertility as well.
Michigan has a program called “Safe Haven” where a birth mom can either go to a hospital, have her baby safely, and leave with no questions asked, or within 90 days of birth, drop off an infant at any public service facility.
Today, my son and daughter in law, have two beautiful boys…one “adopted” and one “biological” (a final effort at IVF after countless attempts) There is only gratitude to the birth mom of the oldest boy for her courage in giving him to people she will never meet. There is NO difference in the feelings we felt when 1) They got the phone call which said: “Your son has just been born; you can come and take him home tomorrow” and 2) The one that said: “Mom…sit down….we’re pregnant!”
The thought of that sweet boy being abused or abandoned is unfathomable…my point being that they are both “biological” children: one grew under my daughter-in-law’s heart, the other grew IN all of ours….
Not legally.
Interesting letter that…
I understand the woman’s pain. My wife and I have been struggling with this ourselves. There is nothing wrong with my wife but there are issues with me and because of that we have not been able to have a child of our own. It’s funny that her first thought is how unfair God is, I wrote a post just today that expressed my grief about our current situation but my first thought is to point the accusing finger at myself. My doubt isn’t so much in God it’s moreso in whether I’m really understand what God wants, or worse. that I’m so broken that God wants nothing to do with me. I don’t normally like to ‘spam’ other peoples blogs with my own posts but with your permission John I will leave this.
http://findingthebliss.wordpress.com/2012/08/17/im-sorry/
This broke my heart. I’m glad you shared it, but it broke my heart.
Thank you for taking the time to read it. It wasn’t easy to write and I debated as to whether I should or shouldn’t but I did. Thanks again.
Seriously, Mike, this is a must-read post.
I dunno about that Elizabeth, what I do know is I am grateful you took the time to read it. Thank you.
My husband and I are infertile. We asked many of the same questions, because I know that we’d be good parents. (He has children from a previous marriage, so this may be harder on me than on him.) At this point the only answer that I can come up with is that if I had kids of my own, I wouldn’t be as free to spend a week counseling at camp, spend my evenings leading youth groups for, other folks’ kids. In a way they’re all “my” kids. It isn’t the same, of course, but perhaps that’s the good God has brought out of the heartbreak of infertility. (I won’t say that God allowed us to be infertile so that this would happen, just that God can bring good out of bad.)
This is lovely. You are amazing, Sharla. You’re shining the love of Jesus over all those children.
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