Lately we’ve been diving a bit into the swirling dark waters of Christian fundamentalism (The fundamentally toxic Christianity, yesterday’s She’s terrified of her growing attraction to Christ.) Ugh. Talk about wanting to put on a wetsuit and bring your own oxygen.
Check out this letter I got in just this morning. The subject line of the email was So ****ing isolated.
I left fundamentalism a few years ago. I started learning about sexual abuse (as well as emotional/spiritual/physical abouse) in the churches I’d left behind. I became energized and enraged and active against fundamentalism and abuse. As a result I’ve lost my extended family, who are fundamentalists. But at least I had the other former and recovering fundamentalists. We spoke the same language. We connected online and sometimes in person. At least I had them, right?
Wrong, as it turns out. I’ve been burned by other ex-fundamentalists who don’t understand how ugly the black/white, good/bad thinking is. You can’t disagree with them—and if you do they “separate” from you, like good fundamentalists do. They bully people, but people keep following them because at least it’s better than isolation. No one seems to know how to stand alone. We moved a number of times in the last few years. I don’t know how to make friends, because friendships always formed at church. I have been so innocent and trusting that after being hurt so often I don’t know how to recognize a good person from a dangerous person, and so now I have trust issues. I am not normal. I don’t know how to relate to the PTA moms or anyone else, really. I’ve moved far to the left of almost everyone I know. I am so lonely. I have nothing to show for my life. I don’t trust myself, so projects fall to the wayside. I’m not suicidal or anything. I just wanted someone to hear me. (Moses was a late bloomer. So there’s that.)
“Moses was a late bloomer. So there’s that.” Oh, man. I mean … how does that not at once break your heart and crack you up?
Would you guys please please please show this woman some love? Just a word or two here to let her know that we’re out here, that we’re listening, that she’s not alone.
This is the [bad word]ing nightmare of fundamentalism. People think that once a person has gotten up the nuts to leave fundamentalism, they’re sort of necessarily good to go. But leaving fundamentalism is at once a gloriously brave culmination and a dismantling, terrifying beginning. Fundamentalism thoroughly skews you. To you up is down and down is up and everywhere Satan droolingly awaits your weakness. Your sense of self is … embryonic, basically. Especially if you’re a woman raised in that mess. Talk about starting the race with weights on your legs.
The. Very. Best. Thing.
You have the truth, sister. Cling to it—insist on it—and soon enough your path will be clear. Just hang tight, stay low, let things flow as they do. If people betray or hurt you, let ‘em have the last word, curl yourself into a ball, let that crap roll off your back, and then straighten up and keep going.
Oh, and here’s a truth: being driven to have something to show for your life is completely detrimental to actually having a life. Show me someone with a huge list of worldly accomplishments and I’ll show you someone almost guaranteed to bore the crap out of me. Anything that you can show is rarely worth seeing. Again: the truth is the only thing worth having. And that you hold in the only place it can be held, which is in your heart. Which is yours, and yours alone, and subject to no display at all.
![John Shore on The Huffington Post](http://johnshore.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/huffpost.jpg?w=120 "John Shore on The Huffington Post\")
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To the Writer:
I hear you. I do.
You ask what you have to show for your life? Here is what you have accomplished: You survived the gates of hell. You stood up to a family that wanted to keep you there. You had the courage to step into your own new life and you refused to be kept in place. You became a threat to anyone who wanted you weak–and those folks will spew like Vesuvius. Now some other exes want to tell you how to be. Listen: You have gained the ability to recognize bullies and you only get better at it the more you see it. They might have left fundy land, but they have brought some of its worst characteristics with them. You know this. It is in your letter. Get a good therapist to help you learn even more–and not one trained at the nearest Bible college. Slowly build up the true self that could never really show itself in a fundamentalist atmosphere. Let that person live. You are already well on your way. It is exciting to see!
I took a big step today and invited a school parent and her daughter over for brunch. Whew. Would not have done that without the encouragement I found here, which has reverberated into my brain these last couple of weeks.
Ok…I am fighting a cold and my reply to you looks like it posted to Steve’s posting from a couple weeks ago. Sorry. I think I need some tea and my sofa.
I am massively proud of you. I am in tears. I know what it’s like to be there. This is a big deal. Like I said in my other post, you are on your way–though you may not fully realize it.
Fear not my friend
There are strengths and weaknesses in fundamentalism. What you are noticing now are the weaknesses. Soon, you will realize that some of the interpersonal skills you have are precious and rare. You fear betrayal because you know how to trust. You shun superficiality because you know the beauty of truth. Remember that others are as fearful about the “other” as you are. We all hurt each other unnecessarily. When we’re drowning in our fears, we don’t realize that our thrashings are hurting others. But you know how to step past this with the ability to trust and patience – skills in friendship that many have never learned. Trust yourself. People will love you because of your imperfect, gentle humanity – not in spite of it.
I’ve got the t-shirt hanging in my closet too.
Very cool! It is an amazing thing when we take a leap of faith. The exiliration we feel can make us 9′ tall and bullet proof. More than that, whether the risk turned into a positive experience or not, you showed yourself you could take the risk and that is what is most important. Bravo!
I do hope it was a good visit! I love having brunch, it feels so grown up and civilized and I so rarely do myself!
I know your pain as do others here… Your life is going to be remarkably better. It is a painful process but it does get better, MUCH better. Now I close my eyes and wrap my arms around you tight and say it will all be okay. Real truth: there are many where you are in the church, they are just too afraid to admit it or leave for good reasons. But whatever there is in you has given you power and courage in the face of tremendous fear and pain to leave. Leaving see,s like running away or abandonment or cowardice, but the truth is leaving is walking towards something greater and more powerful: freedom, love, authentic life, healthy individuality, healthy open-mindedness, beautiful self discovery.
You will soon rejoice in discovering the weaknesses and vulnerabilities about yourself that led you to unhealthy religious ideologies, and also things about your personality or character that made you drawn to that and THEN you are more able to guard yourself from that in the future as well as develop new tools for learning how to love others aright as God would have you, but also love yourself and the truth of who you are. It is a lonely road sometimes, but in hindsight, those were moments where only God could give me the truth and comfort I needed; tge affirmation to know that I am good and safe where I am and that place I left was toxic and killing me. Patience and tenacity are required but you’ll be amazed by where you’ll draw your strength. Continue visiting blogs like this and other survivor sites. You’ll learn a lot and learn to trust again. It is good to relearn what trust looks like and that it should be earned. Healthy people won’t force themselves into your life but will wait patiently to be invited and respect you where you are.
Life and liberty to you!
Oh friend!
Take heart! It is a long and often difficult journey you are on…..I “officially” left fundamentalist in October of 1996 when I was confirmed in the Episcopal Church. But I really left about four years earlier when I moved away from my home area. It is nearly 20 years ago now and I am still dealing with issues that come up. It seems at times that I will never be free from the influence of my time in fundamentalism.
Yes, you are different. You have had a large part of your life taken from you (all in God’s name). You are grieving the loss and may continue to do so for a long time. You may want to scream and yell at the God who “let this happen to you.” My advice: Do it. God is big enough to handle your “tantrum” and then let you know that you are so loved! He/She/it understands how you are hurting and how you have a hard time trusting HIm and other people. You are groaning and growing. You are loved. There are so many people out there who know exactly what you are talking about.
The passage of grief is as individual as you are. Let is happen and know that God is not only waiting for you at the end, but with you in the middle. I could go on for a long time, but again know that you are loved!
Dear Masterpiece-in-Progress,
What I have learnt is that who we are is never set in stone. We are dynamic beings who are always changing, always on a path to becoming more fully who God created us to be.
Our past, all the things we have done, all the things we have suffered, have been the chapters leading up to where our personal story is now. It may be a difficult process, but we need to make peace with our past, to embrace it, because it is has brought us to where we are now. The trials we have experienced have made us stronger. The pain we have felt will make us more compassionate towards the pain of others.
Go forward into your dynamic, changeable, exciting, potential-filled, not-yet-written future, and know that you are loved and accompanied every step of the way.
May love and laughter and light be with you. My thoughts and prayers will be
john is soooo right. fundamentalism stunts you as a person. then, you get really pissed off, because you feel cheated. don’t know if i have anything to say, other than, yes! everything john said! i would just add that being embryonic isn’t entirely a bad thing. try to find people who can help you change the way you’re looking at your situation. you’re a grown woman who, as a result of where you’ve been, can still see the world as a child does. everything’s new! get out there and experience it! read books you’ve never read. listen to music you’ve never listened to. watch movies you’ve never seen. it’s never too late to begin your life. this is going to make you stronger. i know that’s so hard to see now. just hang in there and keep following your heart. bless you. a book keeps coming to my mind. it’s called the spiral staircase by karen armstrong. it’s her own story about leaving nunhood. a very good, very comforting read. she ends up coming to the conclusion that her experiences have indeed made her a little weird, but, that’s okay. she goes on to find a niche for herself in this world. it’s possible. and many people (including myself) know exactly how you feel. take care, and keep your head up.
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