Get thee behind me, Santa!

Don’t we Christians want the primary focus of Christmas to be Christ? Yes we do. And don’t all the pagan Party People pestering us with their perniciously pervasive propaganda promoting puerile, pea-brained positivity want the primary focus of Christmas to be Santa Claus? Yes, they do.

And doesn’t that make Santa Claus the anti-Christ?

Why yes, it does.

Ho, ho, ho, indeed!

The gall of the Prince of Darkness, pretending to be jolly!

Santa’s true identity being Satan certainly explains a lot. It explains the red suit, for one. And also the flying reindeer. Remember how totally frightening the flying monkeys were in The Wizard of Oz? Clearly making mammals fly is an earmark of the deeply malevolent. And what would you rather have flying over your head: 15-pound monkeys or 500-pound reindeer? The Wicked Witch of the West’s wide-brimmed hat might protect her from skyborne monkey droppings, but she’s going to need a bomb shelter when “Santa” and his reindeer start flying around in the air above her head.

I don’t see how we can avoid the conclusion that Santa is uber-evil.

And what about the elves? Please. An elf is nothing more than a gnome with PR. And everyone knows that gnomes are deviants who thrill at creating havoc. I used to live in a beautiful little cabin in the woods that became infested with gnomes. Believe me, that is not something you want to happen. And if it ever does happen to you, here’s a tip: forget using Raid’s GnomeMotel.™ That product is useless. I put one in a corner of my living room one night, and woke up the next morning to find those bowlegged little pests had built on to the thing. There was a little jacuzzi attached to it—and a freakin’ deck. I mean, c’mon. And the workmanship was just awful. And no wonder: typically, there were all these little airplane-size bottles of booze left lying everywhere on the floor.

Terrible. I had so many gnomes I finally had to borrow my neighbor’s two crazed rottweilers.

Boy. Talk about getting the job done. Yikes.

Anyway, the point is that Santa is Satan. Look how closely they spell their names! That right there is proof enough. And Santa/Satan isn’t the only diabolic anagram going on between the two names. Rearrange the letters in “Saint Nick” and what do you get? That’s right: Sick Taint. Evil! Do the same with the letters of “Kris Kringle,” and you get nothing less than Sir Grinlekk—which only a fool wouldn’t agree sounds like it could totally be the name of a wizard from one of the Harry Potter books. Which of course settles that.

Santa Claus. Satan’s Cause. Satan’s claws.

I mean, please. It’s not even subtle.

Plus, everyone knows that Satan’s whole thing is to make people believe the exact opposite of the truth. And as we all know Hades is about as far south as it gets. So where, conveniently, does “Santa” live?

But of course: the North Pole.

Pffft. Any drooling child is trickier.

Speaking of children, do I even need to mention how wrong it is to teach kids to associate getting great things for free with breaking and entering? How long is it before any Christmas-inculcated child with any initiative at all thinks to himself, “Hmm. Santa goes down chimneys while people are asleep. I could go through windows while people are on vacation. Why shouldn’t every day be Christmas for me?” Not long at all, I say.

The Christmas season is now officially upon us. Let us become ever more vigilant against the evil that tries to distract us from its true meaning. Christmas is about Christ—period. And that is why I, for one, will be prepared throughout this entire Christmas season to, at any given moment, stand proudly straight, point accusingly, and cry at the top of my lungs, “Get thee behind me, Santa!”

You should do the same. They can’t arrest all of us.