Seven Reasons Women Stay in Abusive Relationships and How To Defeat Each One of Them

by John Shore on April 6, 2010 · 178 comments

Since its publication thousands of women have used John Shore’s revelatory Seven Reasons Women Find Themselves in Abusive Relationships to completely and permanently turn around their lives. Penetratingly clear and breathtakingly insightful, Seven Reasons is a must-read for any woman ensnared in a physically or emotionally abusive relationship. Such a relationship is like a frighteningly dark cave; Seven Reasons carefully, directly, and lovingly walks any women trapped in such a cave back out into the light. As surely as any abused woman will recognize herself in the seven reasons Shore gives for why people first get attracted to and then stuck in such relationships, she will find salvation in his prescription for defeating each one. A women in an abusive relationship has lost something core to herself; Seven Reasons restores it to her.

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Seven Reasons Women Stay in Abusive Relationships, and How To Defeat Each One of Them, paperback edition, 6 x 9 in., softcover, signed by John Shore and inscribed per your request. (Each book also comes with one of John’s utterly bookmark-worthy business cards, signed and dated on back.) $7.99.

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Praise for Seven Reasons:

This is a very detailed and extremely supportive article about the reasons women tell themselves they need to stay put in abusive relationships. —

An excellent piece of writing that speaks very practically about the reasons someone stays in a bad relationship. Worth looking at, even if you are not someone, nor do you know someone who is abusive. The answers John gives helps us understand how it is that we may do things that do not seem like it’s in our best interest. It is a wonderfully well written, easy to understand and non-clinical approach to answering the question, “Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?” —

Whether this is a problem for you now, or for someone you know, it impacts people too often. There are many reasons we stay in abusive relationships. Shore’s insights, understanding, wit and humor can help all of us—male and female. —

From readers:

“Thank you…your post has helped me finally leave a emotionally abusive relationship with a man. Thanks for describing this dynamic. I’ve never heard it done so eloquently.”— Heather.

“I credit 7 Reasons with changing and saving my life” — Lisa E

“John, as someone who works with DV (domestic violence) victims, I’d like to thank you for this great resource. There is an amazing amount of good, solid information out there on emotional/physical abuse. But your short blogs go right to the heart. Thank you so much for caring about women, encouraging us, and sharing your ideas. You’re right on.” — Anonymous

“Bless you, John Shore.” — Mindy

“John Shore – what comes through the most in these writings is your love and tender-hearted care for women. Wow. It’s amazing. Thank you.”— Rkerstetter1

“I sit here with my mouth wide open in amazement at the way John describes to a ‘T’ the reason why I cannot move “him” out of my life … I don’t really know if I am glad that I have read this or if I am in shock …” — Anonymous

“This is fantastic. Thank you. Mr. Shore, please keep up your beautiful, empowering, compassionate, thoughtful and passionate advocacy of women!” — Lara

“Thank you so much. You deserve an award for posting this info! Great info indeed.” — Anonymous

“I have really, really appreciated finding this.” — christinej

“BRILLIANT! Oh bravo, bravo!!!” — Freda

“Thank you John, for opening your heart to take in some of the pain of we who carry such vile memories deep inside our still struggling and shaking psyches and emotions. You’re a true brother.” — Anonymous

“Are you really a woman? LOL You nail abusive relationships. Thanks for getting it.”– Strong.

“This article is just what I needed to read, just when I needed it! Thank you.” — TS

“Most helpful, strong stuff I have read in a long time. Very sobering.” — Anonymous

“BRAVO BRAVO BRAVO!! Just had to shout.” — Laura W.

“This is an amazing article that I have to view as an answer to prayer. I’ve never before seen your blog or articles and was amazed at the clarity of the truths you’ve written about so well.” — Anonymous

“I posted the link to this wonderful article on my Facebook page, and my son (20) sarcastically commented … ‘I think you should listen to that dude, Mom.’” — Anonymous

“I wish I had discovered your article years ago.” — Sylvie.

“John – Thank you so much for this! I really related to Reason #4 – Old Family Tapes. This site is extraordinarily helpful and I will recommend to my friends dealing with the same issues. Thanks so much!!!” — Maren S.

“I agree very much with what you have said here John.” — Anonymous

“Thank you for posting this information. Thank you a million times. I read it almost daily to keep myself out of the “marinade” that my soon-to-be ex-husband tries to douse me with constantly.” — April

“Having worked in a local women’s shelter, I absolutely applaud your latest opus!!!” — Anonymous

“Wow. Thank you. Thank you for your affirmation.” — Deb.

“Really empowering. Life changing. Something I’ll come back to again and again.” — Anonymous

“Rereading this today, and sending it out to any woman having trouble saying ‘Things Ain’t What They Used to Be.’” — Helen Winslow Black

“Wow. Great stuff. This will be worth several reads.” — Erica H.

“Thank you SO MUCH for posting this … funny stuff, but oh-so true! I’ve only scanned over the article once, but I can already see there is SO MUCH GOOD STUFF that will help me and I think will also help my kids!” — Anonymous

“I just discovered this this morning and I honestly can’t tell you how much they mean and how serendipitous it was that I found them today of all days….Thanks again for your help in all this, it is greatly appreciated.” — Anon.

“Thank you very much for such an insightful article.” — Jose

“WOW. Amazing. So true.” — CJ

“Once again, John, you have truly and bravely spoken words that many are afraid to voice. You can’t even imagine how much your blog-site on this very subject is ministering to women in this situation.” — Anonymous

“John, What a wonderful article and there are so many women going though the deep angst you talk about.” — Lain

“Powerful and profound insight into the nightmare of abusive relationships and the people who inhabit them…..the most loving and thoughtful exposition I’ve ever read about the dynamics of domestic abuse.” — Not AVictim

“John: thank you thank you … so needed to be said.” Anonymous

“Very good summary. I left my 15 years of hell 5 years ago. You WILL survive. You WILL feel better than you ever thought possible. This article is insightful and accurate.” — Flanders

“I very much approve of your way of writing things. I very much approve of your common sense and the priorities you set.”— Jule

“Thanks for the part about power. It has explained a lot.” — Diane

“This is one of the most powerful bits of writing on abuse I’ve read.” — Anonymous

“Thank you for this.” — MHD

“Oh my goodness you couldn’t be more right! I’m going through this right now. Thanks for the help” — Anonymous

“I found your insights helpful in my counseling service to battered women. You are doing amazing work here.” — Greta

“I love the comparison of an abusive man to a rabid dog, it is an excellent one. I have a friend who was in an abusive relationship for about a year. This series has helped me understand her better.” — Melinda

“Wow! this is what I needed to hear, right now. stuff I haven’t heard before about men & power in this context. really, really thank you. only wish I’d known it sooner. thank you John, this has given me new understandings I can really use NOW.” — Merk

“Words can not express how proud/happy/beaming I am that you said what you said John. Just wanna fly to America and give you a big hug!!! Keep preaching preacher, we all love you.” — Anonymous

“Your comments here are sure to help a lot of people, not just women.” — Anonymous

John, why do you understand this subject so well? It’s hard to believe you’re not really a woman.” — HJ

“Thank you John, gonna download this now, know a few people who need to read it. Thank you so much for these posts, you have hit the nail on the head so many times, something I have to say I have never read/heard/seen a man do effectively on this topic before.” — CB

{ 178 comments… read them below or add one }

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Nathalie campoverde December 3, 2013 at 5:10 am

Maybe this can relate to something I learned in psychology class something called the halo effect which is a type of cognitive bias in which our overall impression of a person influences how we feel and think about his or her character. Essentially, your overall impression of a person (for example : “He is nice!”) impacts your evaluations of that person’s specific traits (“He is also smart!”).


DR August 11, 2013 at 8:00 pm

I wasn’t aware that John was running a non-profit, he’s an author. Are you used to paying for books others write for free?


Katharine I. Weaver October 6, 2012 at 12:56 pm
Sharon September 30, 2012 at 5:57 am

As a licensed mental health professional who’s worked with numerous survivors of domestic abuse, I just want to thank you for doing what you can to help women (and men) take responsibility for and regain control over their lives. The more people understand how coercion, violence, and abuse get started and know that they can and deserve to be treated better, the more our society will prosper. Keep up the great work!


John Shore September 30, 2012 at 9:26 am

Thank you, Sharon; I really appreciate this.


Darlene February 10, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Thank you for writing about this topic. Over three million incidents of domestic violence are reported each year, and that includes men as well as women. One-fourth of U.S. women and one-third of women worldwide will experience violence in her lifetime.


Jackson Westbrook February 3, 2012 at 2:26 am

I really liked your blog.Thanks Again. Keep writing.


John Shore via Facebook October 13, 2011 at 8:41 pm

That’s lovely. Thank you.


Laura Green Chaplinski via Facebook October 13, 2011 at 4:57 pm

I have my two teens read most of your work, hoping generations to come learn to use more logic. Besides your funny


Crystal E. Long via Facebook October 13, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Sharing :)


Sarah Moon via Facebook October 13, 2011 at 4:14 pm

This was definitely one of the best/most helpful articles about abusive relationships I’ve ever read.


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